Super Bowl Ratings, Betting Lines, Silly Bets

The Super Bowl is today, and it hits with the force of a national holiday. 111 million watched the game last year, making it the third most-viewed Super Bowl of all time... which also makes it the third most-viewed TV show ever put on the tube.

The highest non-Super Bowl TV show ever was 105 million watching the final episode of M.A.S.H., and M.A.S.H. was only able to hold the title until Super Bowl 44. Of the 20 most viewed programs in US History, 19 are Super Bowls and one is the M.A.S.H. finale. You need 88 million viewers to even sniff that list. Trump and Hillary's first debate scored 84 million. Seinfeld's last episode scored 76 million. The last Johnny Carson version of The Tonight Show did 50 million.

If you need an idea about how twisted TV ratings get... the fact that population grows yearly doesn't dilute the shock of realizing that the last episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show was beaten by the last episode of ALF. Ranked #20 overall on the list of TV show codas, ALF also outscored the final episodes of Breaking Bad (ALF doubled them), Bonanza, Murphy Brown, Letterman, Sex In The City, Will And Grace, Twin Peaks and Melrose Place.

YouTube is changing everything. Like I said, Donald Trump's inauguration drew 30 million TV viewers. I'm In Love With The Coco, on YouTube, drew 190 million.

If you need a lead on how powerful the Super Bowl is... the Super Bowl postgame show did 76 million viewers. That's what the final Seinfeld garnered, as well as the Ed Sullivan show with the Beatles. It's is about twice as many viewers as the Academy Awards got, a bit less than twice of what Obama's inauguration drew, more than twice as many viewers as Trump's inauguration had, and about triple of what the Charles/Diana wedding drew in the US.

The only thing that can beat a Super Bowl is a British royal wedding, and you have to go Worldwide viewership to get that 750 million number. Only 30-40 million foreigners watch the Super Bowl, which may just explain why the US wins all of those World Wars.

Not a lot of people bet on the Royal Wedding, but that's not a problem for the fan of American F***ing Football. You can bet on every single aspect of the game, and we shall explore some of those aspects in today's column.

The basic betting lines, and the ones where most of the money will be wagered, is like thusly:

2/5 6:30 ET New England -3 Atlanta 58.5

This means that New England is favored to win, by 3 points, a game that is going to get 58 or 59 points.

We did a whole article about how we thought that this betting line was going to work itself out, although we spent most of the article talking about Mongols, General Sherman and physically destroying the city of Atlanta.

However, there are hundreds of bets you can make on the game. Here's a few of them, with little asides where we give you advice on how we'd handle it:


Odds to win Super Bowl MVP

Tom Brady: 3/2
Matt Ryan: 7/4
Julio Jones: 11/2
Field: 10/1

Anything could happen here. Legarrette Blount might punch in 4 touchdowns. Vic Beasley might sever Tom Brady's spine. Mohammed Sanu might catch a TD and throw for one. The field goal kickers may do all the scoring. Devin McCourty may get a pair of pick-sixes. If you feel that something like that will happen, choose "Field."

If you think that Hotlanta will win, and that they will win because Matt Ryan throws 4TDs to Julio Jones (his momma named him that), you have to make up your mind.

On the other hand, if the Pats win, you're pretty much handing the trophy to Champagne Tom.


O/U total points at halftime: 29.5...  O/U total points after three quarters: 43.5

The Patriots start slow in Super Bowls. The Falcons scored on their first possession like 8 times in a row or so.

Keep in mind, if one team goes up big, they'll run the ball in an attempt to eat the clock. That is mostly a 4th quarter matter, but it all factors in if you're banking on the 59 point Over for the game. You could also have a close game where the teams trade repeated strikes in the 4th quarter.

I tend to view games as Wholes, and usually avoid this kind of bet.


Odds a kicker misses an extra point: 7/3

It's been happening a lot this year. That said, we have two pretty clutch kickers working this game, which is being played in a domed stadium. That's kicker Nirvana,


Odds there is a completed Hail Mary: 66/1

When you may have a mortgage payment riding on whether someone throws a Hail Mary and hits it,  try to bet on the team who has Danny AMENdola.

If you have to use ALL CAPS to force through the Amen part of the joke, the joke probably wasn't funny... but the What's Funny book was written during the Bob Hope era, well before the Internet.


Odds to rush for the most yards

LeGarrette Blount: 9/4
Devonta Freeman: 5/2
Tevin Coleman: 3/1
Dion Lewis: 6/1
FIELD: 28/1

Old School wagerers think "Kenny King," a relatively obscure back who cranked out an 80 yard TD catch to screw up a 1980 receiving version of this bet.

You want to go Blount here. Freeman, Lewis and Coleman are more likely to catch the ball than be handed it in most scenarios.


Odds to score the first TD

Julio Jones: 9/2
Devonta Freeman: 5/1
LeGarrette Blount: 6/1
Mohamed Sanu: 7/1
Martellus Bennett: 9/1
Chris Hogan: 11/1
Julian Edelman: 11/1
Tevin Coleman: 14/1
Dion Lewis: 16/1
FIELD: 12/1

I'd be taking Blount all day with this, except that 1) Atlanta scores on their first possession a lot, and B) Julio Jones is a freak of nature, and 3) FIELD is a group that includes the other 98 players involved in the game.


Over/Under height of the tallest player to score a TD: 6’3″

Jones is listed at 6'3". Blount is under. Brady is over. Bennett is over. Lewis, Freeman and Coleman are under. Ryan is 6'4".  Both Atlanta tight ends and Bennett are over 6'4". Every defensive back is under 6'3", in case you're counting on a pick-6.

Over/Under weight of the heaviest player to score a TD: 249.5 lbs

Blount is over 250 pounds. If you're banking on keeping him out of the end zone, you may as well spend all of your money betting Atlanta and the Under.


Odds the opening coin toss comes up…

Heads: 1/1
Tails: 1/1

I could say "flip a coin" here, but that would be redundant.


Odds on what color Gatorade will be poured on the winning coach:

Orange: 7/2
Blue: 15/4
Clear/Water: 4/1
Purple: 6/1
Yellow: 13/2
None: 10/1

"Yellow" is the popular bet in this Mr. Trump-goes-to-Moscow era.

I do know that I worked in a factory for many years, the company kept Gatorade up all the time for us, and we always wanted the Green. Green isn't on this list, which is funny because we'd always bitch and moan if we got Red, which also isn't on the list.


Odds on what color hoodie Bill Belichick wears

Blue: 4/11
Grey: 3/1
Red: 40/1
Field: 50/1

I will say that, if he shows up in a suit, it will be his last game. If he's ever going to dress up for a game, it will be that one.

Otherwise, I'm only comfortable when he wears the grey one.


Odds a fan throws a _____ on the field:

flare 15/1
slightly deflated football: 19/1
dildo: 45/1
dead falcon: 300/1

The flare may come from Bobcat Goldthwait's "He threw a lit flare into my car" bit from When Your Team Wins The Super Bowl. The football joke would only make Champagne Tom angry. The dil gets chucked on the field now and then, and is probably the safest bet on the list. I do not know whether it counts if the team has a pet Falcon who dies of fright when the New England Football Mil-ish-ee- uh gets to bangin' away with those muskets.

I can think of very few winged creatures who got involved with high profile sports games and didn't regret it immediately. The Randy Johnson/dove story is worse than the Dave Winfield/seagull story, and trails only Michael Vick hanging dogs and Kerry Von Erich giving a cat the Iron Claw. I'd bet against the dead falcon.


O/U on the number of times Gisele is shown on screen: 1.5

Giselle is never going to hurt any broadcast with a visual medium. Take the over.


O/U references to Deflategate/Spygate: 4.5

Again, the big theme of the game is Brady being judged innocent by God in a Trial of Ordeal relating to the Deflategate fiasco. Take the over. Remember, someone in the mob thinks that it's a fairly good bet that people will be throwing deflated footballs onto the field.


Odds Dan Quinn wears a hair piece during the game: 50/1

I read an article about Clive Rush, who coached the Pats during a bad season. He was later institutionalized.

One day, he was going up against Paul Brown, one of the all-time great coaches. He's who the Cleveland Browns are named after, and you'd have to check with Jim Brown's momma to make sure that Jim Brown isn't named after him as well.

"Paul Brown is a genius," Rush told his players. "Anything logical that I might try today, he has already anticipated it and developed a counter for it. Therefore, we shall do illogical things."

His big move was having guys run into the huddle, stay for 3 seconds, then run off the field at the last second. "He'll notice it, no doubt," said Rush. "I'm counting on that. He'll wonder why I'm doing it, and waste time he should waste thinking about me trying to solve that riddle instead.""

The Brown team (I think it was Cincy at that point) won by 35 points, as I recall.

That sort of logic, designed to confuse Bill Belichick, is the only way I see Quinn wearing a rug. Bald is beautiful, IMHO. Let it shine.


 O/U on the length of the broadcast: 215.5 minutes

Any number of things can drive this total up or down. I'd avoid this one like a leper whore, but I put the numbers up there for you to bet on.


O/U on the number of times FOX show stars are shown in the crowd during the broadcast: 1.5

If this were the 1997 Super Bowl, you could watch Ally McBeal binge-n-purge on some hot dogs.

I don't watch much normal TV, so- sadly- that is the most recent reference I can think up on this topic.


Over/Under number of sideline reports from Erin Andrews during the game broadcast (between the opening kickoff and the final play): 5.5

The only way you can see more of her is if you aim a camera into her hotel room, wokka wokka wokka...


Odds there is a halftime show wardrobe malfunction: 2/1

When Janet Jackson was disrobed by the NSYNCH kid during the halftime show, I was actually reaching down to dip a Tostito into some salsa. This was at a point in my life that I wasn't seeing many breasts. Sometimes, the world is a cruel and unjust place.

If we get a Lady Gaga warbrobe malfunction, does it count if she does it on purpose? I keep seeing her doing a "Grab THIS pussy, Donald!" type of protest. It's not always a bad thing to be on the Ugly list in some places, especially if 110 million people see you work your way onto it.


O/U on the number of guest performers during the halftime show: 0.5

Someone, be it Mick Jagger or Rihanna or Bey Bey or even Jimmy Page, is joining her for a song. You only need one with this bet.

I am curious if, should she bring out a midget, what a half a person counts as.


Odds on Lady Gaga’s opening halftime show song

The Edge Of Glory: 3/1
Perfect Illusion: 7/2
Born This Way: 4/1
Other: 2/1

The only Gaga song I know is the one that goes "La la la-la la," which I also am being told by Stacey's kids is every one of her songs.

Little Known Cranberry County Magazine fact... this column was originally a town reporter column on Cape Cod TODAY, we covered the town of Bourne, and we called it Bourne This Way. I had no idea it was a Gaga song for several of the years we were writing that column (I wanted the more Kubrickian "Bourne To Kill"), until Jessica finally explained it to me. The IP address on our Facebook page still says "Bourne This Way."


Odds Lady Gaga gets booed during the halftime show: 9/1

A very, very liberal performer who might 1) have a lip synch failure a la Ashley Simpson or Mariah Carey, or who might 2) make some sort of anti-Trump statement in a stadium full of can-afford-$2500-a-ticket Texas football fans... it's a lot like what they say about passing the football- three things can happen, and two of them are bad.


Odds on which company will air the first commercial (after the coin toss):

Bud Light: 25/1
Lexus: 30/1
Intel: 30/1
Skittles: 30/1
Wix: 30/1
TurboTax: 33/1
Avocados from Mexico: 35/1
Mr. Clean: 35/1
Hyundai: 500/1

I don't know what a Wix is, so I'd probably bet on the Bud Light.

Running an ad during the Super Bowl will cost you $5 million for 30 seconds.

"See it on the TV/any given Sunday/Win the Super Bowl, drive home in a Hyundai..."


O/U commercials parodying Donald Trump: 1.5

Does a White House press conference count? Those oily bastards might repeal Obamacare during the middle of the second quarter.


Odds on who is more likely to host Saturday Night Live following the Super Bowl:

Tom Brady: 1/19
Julio Jones: 25/1
Matt Ryan: 50/1
Bill Belichick: 5,000/1

The odds on Belichick (who would be superb at it, the perfect straight man for a Sandler/Farley/Belushi type of character) may be conservative.

"None of them" is the best option.


Odds Luke Bryan wears cowboy boots and blue jeans: 4/1

Your author, who won $50 once when Christina Aguilera wore pantyhose during a different National Anthem, should know the answer to this, but I don't know who Luke is and don't know how he dresses.

I assume that he's a country guy, and they don't wear anything but jeans and cowboy hats. What else is he going to wear? A full pimp outift? Camo? Hezbollah?


Odds of Lady Gaga making an anti-Trump political statement during her performance (visual or vocal): 10/13

This is a juicy one. Gaga is a fluff performer, known as much for her legs as her lungs. She did a perfectly nice National Anthem in the last Super Bowl without editing anything into the Francis Scott Key classic.

She could instantly change her image into something far more serious by taking a shot at Cheeto Jesus.

When betting money on this, please make sure that the line is clearly defined on"making an anti-Trump political statement" and "getting that anti-Trump political statement past the censors," especially if her protest involves soft furry things that Trump likes to grab.

It may add to your enjoyment of the National Anthem to know that it is a rewritten English drinking song, akin to Roll Out The Barrel. The guy who wrote it, Francis Scott Key, later had a son who was killed by a jealous husband. The killer, Union General Daniel Sickles, got acquitted by running the first Insanity defense in US legal history.

Sickles later had a leg blown off at Gettysburg, and is said to have refused pain-killing ether because lighting a cigar around ether may cause an explosion... and, uhm, first things first, mate.

- Abdullah

Super Bowl LI Prediction: Marching Through Georgia (In Texas)...

Football is known for military analogies. Football teams blitz, throw bombs, sack, flank, feint, perform end runs... you know, all that Soldiering stuff. Even the game itself is basically military in nature, in that you forcibly take territory from an adversary.

Some people look down on that, but not Cranberry County Motherlovin' Magazine. We think that football should be what it is. It's a brutal game, played by brutal men to entertain brutal fans.

This flaw in our collective personality only gets worse when the New England Patriots get into the Super Bowl against the Atlanta Falcons, like they are this weekend.

We meant to write several small articles to give you insight into the game, maybe a little Steve on Monday, some Stacey on Wednesday and Abdullah as the weekend anchorman. Instead, there was a lot of military history being read on Cape Cod's borderlands this week, and it is with the mind of a Conqueror that Cranberry County Magazine took the Sports Desk to Houston this weekend.

Prior to invading Galilee, the Mongol khan Hulagu gave Egypt the chance to avoid hostilities. He sent envoys with a reasonable peace offering to the Mamluk Sultan in Cairo, and these poor men- who were decapitated moments later- stood before Qutuz to proclaim:

"From the King of Kings of the East and West, the Great Khan. To Qutuz the Mamluk, who fled to escape our swords. You should think of what happened to other countries and submit to us. You have heard how we have conquered a vast empire and have purified the earth of the disorders that tainted it. We have conquered vast areas, massacring all the people. You cannot escape from the terror of our armies. Where can you flee? What road will you use to escape us? Our horses are swift, our arrows sharp, our swords like thunderbolts, our hearts as hard as the mountains, our soldiers as numerous as the sand. Fortresses will not detain us, nor armies stop us. Your prayers to God will not avail against us. We are not moved by tears nor touched by lamentations. Only those who beg our protection will be safe. Hasten your reply before the fire of war is kindled. Resist and you will suffer the most terrible catastrophes. We will shatter your mosques and reveal the weakness of your God and then will kill your children and your old men together. At present you are the only enemy against whom we have to march."

I shouted that as I stepped off a 737 jet at George Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston, much to the consternation of the airport security, who I now know will run your stuff through the metal detector thing after you get off of a plane if you are acting strangely enough. It is also not what they want to have shouted off of a balcony at the Hotel Derek in downtown Houston, although they just send a bellhop up to talk to you if you do it there. They don't understand that there may be Georgians around, and that I wanted them to be intimidated.

We're here to analyze the game and offer our advice on how you might want to deal with it if you are maybe talking to a bookmaker. If we were here for the World Ice Dancing Championships, it might not be necessary to assume a military mindset to properly do our jobs. We would instead speak of things like Grace, Precision, Talent... things that would only get in the way of our NFL work.

Tom Brady, who has a Brazilian supermodel wife, a billion dollars and a football team to quarterback, probably doesn't devote a lot of his time to studying military history. However, his mission is very much like the mission assigned to General William Tecumseh Sherman in the Civil War. Sherman and Brady had the same basic goal, making Georgia suffer.

Sherman's job was, in a nutshell, to bisect the Confederacy and eliminate their ability to wage war. He did so by embracing the concept of Total War, fought not just against the military, but the civilians who supported them. He did so by cutting a 50 mile wide swath of devastation through the heart of Georgia, from Atlanta to Savannah.

He did one hundred million in damages, about a billion and a half in today's dollars. His soldiers burned barns, torched warehouses, slaughtered livestock, fired up cotton, downed telegraph lines, destroyed 300 miles of railroads, confiscated ten million pounds of corn and "generally set about to smashing things." A fraction of the seized goods went to practical use feeding his army, the rest was "simple waste and destruction."

Sherman's efforts doomed Georgia to poverty for a generation, and left Atlanta as a smoking ruin. He felt badly, but it was what he had to do. "My aim, then, was to whip the rebels, to humble their pride, to follow them to their inmost recesses, and make them fear and dread us. Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. " When he needed to be brief, he just said, "I will make Georgia howl!"

The Patriots, although operating in Texas, have the same basic mission. They have been undergoing a Trial of Ordeal since NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell inflicted the unjust penalty of Deflategate upon them. When the shadowy NFL commish has to hand the trophy to Bob Kraft, he will know in his crooked soul that his very God has judged against him.

I know this like I know that the sun will set this evening. So, working from that end, we can reverse-engineer how we come to that result.

Atlanta has a potent offense. Matt Ryan has Julio Jones to throw to, and he has two terrific running backs to work the ball to. It is an offense that made Matty Ice the MVP candidate, and it whipped up on Green Bay and Seattle like they were talking about their mom. The defense, once a joke, was fearsome in the NFC title game. They are probably a really good draft away from being a title contender for a generation.

Still, it's really 4 guys against a dynasty. The Pats neutralized LeVeon Bell last weekend, and he's better than Devonta Freeman and Tevin Coleman combined. We can blanket Julio, and see if "Tom Brady says 'Thanks, sucker' as he takes the NFL trophy from Goodell" is a more likely outcome than "Super Bowl MVP Mohammed Sanu."

If there's anyone who can neutralize Ryan/Jones/Freeman/Coleman, it's Bill Belichick. If there's anyone who already has a copy of Atlanta's playbook, it's Belichick. If there's anyone who could make it snow inside a Texas domed stadium, it's Belichick.

I'd feel a lot better if Gronk was playing, but that's just how the cookie crumbles, friends. Atlanta will score enough to make it interesting, but they "might as well appeal against the thunder-storm." New England is both establishing their destiny and proving their innocence. Atlanta is just the next clown out of the car in a circus that they are merely bit players in.

New England doesn't have a Super Bowl win of greater than 3 points, but that changes this year.

New England 34-24

NFL Conference Championships Schedule, Betting Lines

1/22 3:05 ET At Atlanta -5.5 Green Bay 61    FOX

A 61 point over/under is ridiculous, indicative of a shootout. The funny part is that it may be conservative.

While Green Bay's defense does their level best, both teams are pretty much the easy whore of Mister Touchdown, and will give themselves to him all day. You could very well see more points than a Seurat painting.

That 61 points seems conservative, unless you are betting on Green Bay winning in a rout, 46-14 or something like that.

I don't think Atlanta is all that. I was amazed that they beat Seattle, who I am happy to see out of the playoffs. That was the only game I blew last week.

Thusly, I see Green Bay going way the hell up early, with Atlanta scoring enough to keep you from losing interest. However, the outcome will never be in doubt.

Green Bay, 38-24


1/22 6:40 ET At New England -6 Pittsburgh 50.5    CBS

There's a big nor'easter heading towards New England, which I wish would be a foot of snow but will probably be an inch of rain.

(Please note that the Weather Desk and the Sports Desk at Cranberry County Magazine sometimes disagree, and that the Weather Desk thinks that the rain will hold off until the ride home from Foxboro. However, there is a belief at both Desks that, if he really needs to, Bill Belichick can exert some influence on the weather.)

We also have our spies about, and they tell me that the flu/stomach bug is running wild in the Pittsburgh locker room. LeVeon Bell may indeed get 175 total yards, but still have an Uta Pippig ending.

Expect many ROG-ERRRR chants, as the NFL Commish is cowering in Georgia. He is going to hand us that trophy this year, and he's going to learn to like doing it.

Not having Gronkowski is tough, but I get the sense that the Pats are going all the way this year, and Pittsburgh is just the next clown out of the car.

New England, 27-24

NFL Divisional Playoff Schedule, Betting Lines

NFL SCHEDULE, LINES, BROADCAST INFO

1/14 4:35 ET At Atlanta -5 Seattle 51.5,  FOX

If there's ever a time to bet a Road Dog, it's when Matty Ice is hosting. 

If you're betting Seattle to win, it may be wise to bet on the game being  low-scoring affair, a dangerous bet with an Atlanta team averaging 30 points a game.

Atlanta has a poor history of defending itself against northern invaders. I do believe that General Sherman (or, to be fair, perhaps beaten rebel troops) burned that ish to the ground in the Civil War.

William Tecusmseh Sherman was confident as he marched into the Peach State, practicing Total War, fully intent on wrecking everything in his path. "I will make Georgia howl," cried Sherman. "My aim then was to whip the rebels, to humble their pride, to follow them to their inmost recesses, and make them fear and dread us. 'Fear of the Lord' is the beginning of wisdom."

Seattle cornerback Richard Sherman, a Stanford man, should feel the same way.

Seattle, 27-13

1/14 8:15 ET At New England -16 Houston 44.5,  CBS

Let's stick with Civil War generals. General Sheridan was charged with occupying Texas after the Civil War. He hated the climate. When asked how he liked Texas, he replied, "If I owned Hell and Texas, I'd live in Hell and rent Texas."

We took these guys to the woodshed earlier in the season with our third string QB, and- while they have improved- they aren't the team who is going to knock us out of the playoffs. 

I wish that the blizzard we got last weekend was happening this weekend instead, but that's the way the rookie rumbles. We don't need the snow to handle these guys... which is a good thing for them, because there are those in the sportswriting community who believe that Bill Belichick is able to exert some form of control over the weather.  

It matters not. We will whip them like they were mouthy serfs. They'll wish that their mothers had never met their fathers. 

I'm betting the Over, and I don't expect one team to even reach double digits.

Pats, 38-7

1/15 8:20 p.m ET At Kansas City -1.5 Pittsburgh 44,  NBC

A second Road Dog to wager my wages on!

Pittsburgh walloped KC earlier in the season. Maybe that's how this goes, or maybe KC is in the playoffs for a reason.

I think it's the former. I'm taking the Under in  44 point game, and I expect Pittsburgh to score 31 points. That's what Kansas City gets for not being in Kansas.

Pittsburgh, 31-10

1/15 4:40 ET At Dallas -4.5 Green Bay 52.5,  FOX

Dallas can slowly run it down the field on anyone. Green Bay is more of an aerial show who can move the ball quickly. 

That said, I have great doubts about Dak Prescott needing to move the ball by the air in hurry. If this or any game turns into a shootout, bet on whoever you think can move the ball 80 yards in 80 seconds when they really have to. I don't think that Dallas can do that.

Green Bay, 28-27

ODDS ON WHO PLAYS IN THE SUPER BOWL

Dallas vs. New England +$250 (5 to 2)

Atlanta vs. New England +$450 (9 to 2)

Green Bay vs. New England +$450 (9 to 2)

Seattle vs. New England +$800 (8 to 1)

Dallas vs. Kansas City +$1,200 (12 to 1)

Dallas vs. Pittsburgh +$1,200 (12 to 1)

Green Bay vs. Pittsburgh +$1,800 (18 to 1)

Atlanta vs. Kansas City +$2,000 (20 to 1)

Atlanta vs. Pittsburgh +$2,000 (20 to 1)

Green Bay vs. Kansas City +$2,000 (20 to 1)

Seattle vs. Kansas City +$3,000 (30 to 1)

Seattle vs. Pittsburgh +$3,000 (30 to 1)

Dallas vs. Houston +$10,000 (100 to 1)

Atlanta vs. Houston +$15,000 (150 to 1)

Green Bay vs. Houston +$15,000 (150 to 1)

Seattle vs. Houston +$25,000 (250 to 1)

Latest 2016 MVP Odds 

Matt Ryan -$400 (1 to 4)

Aaron Rodgers +$450 (9 to 2)

Tom Brady +$500 (5 to 1)

Ezekiel Elliot +$7,500 (75 to 1)

Dak Prescott +$7,500 (75 to 1)

LeVeon Bell +$10,000 (100 to 1)

Derek Carr +$15,000 (150 to 1)

Roger Goodell Banned From Cape Cod!

Roger Goodell has been on the hot seat lately. Whether it's players punching out women on camera, where-do-I-live-again concussion issues or coaches issuing bounties on players, the NFL commissioner has a lot on his plate.

Recently, Goodell brought about controversy via his decision to punish both the New England Patriots and Tom Brady over some spurious accusations regarding underinflated footballs.

The Patriots had a first round pick- most likely an All Pro caliber player- taken away from them. Tom Brady, in the home stretch of what might be the greatest career of anyone who ever picked up a football, was suspended for a quarter season.

Running the king of sports leagues is no easy job, and there will always be some bumps on the road. As we said, Mr. Goodell has a lot on his plate. Great power entails great responsibility, and uneasy is the head that wears the crown... or however that goes. Cape Cod is sympathetic.

That's why, effective at 9 AM on May 1st, Roger Goodell is banished from Cape Cod.

"It's a complicated legal issue," said Randy Hunt, the state representative from Sandwich. "This is unprecedented. Remember, even Benedict Arnold wasn't banned from America. We had to go back to the Holy Roman Empire, and the concept of an Imperial Ban."

Imperial Banishment involves:

- The banished person (known as the Geächtete, colloquially also as Vogelfreierei, "free as a bird,") loses all of his political rights

- The Geächtete suffers forfeiture of all assets and possessions

- The Geächtete is considered to be legally dead.

- The Geächtete can assume that he will be offered no protection by the law enforcement agencies, and (according to the Wikipedia) "anyone is allowed to rob, injure or kill him without legal consequences." Hunt is working to soften our stance on that one through a series of amendment riders.

Barnstable County Special Sheriff Jeff Perry has been put in charge of the Goodell banishment.

"My plan is to beat the fear of God into him," said Perry. "My deputies have been instructed to, on sight, gaffle Mr. Goodell, physically drag him to the Barnstable County House Of Corrections, lock him in solitary confinement and beat him on the kidneys with tonfas every hour on the hour."

Perry and Hunt, both Republicans, were quick to point out that the ban enjoys bipartisan support across Massachusetts. Conor Kennedy, scion of the famous Kennedy clan from Hyannis Port, stood beside Hunt as he announced the ban. Chatham mayor Em Nonesuch (D) notes that the nautical penalty would be Keelhauling.

Both Brstol County Sheriff Thomas Hodgson and Plymouth County Sheriff Joseph McDonald are also said to be considering the Imperial Ban.

Several local businesses are taking the initiative with the ban, striking before Cape Cod's official announcement. Lambert's Rainbow Fruit, a powerful Massachusetts produce giant with a store in Sandwich, has already barred Goodell from their stores.

"I'd jam a cabbage down his stupid throat," said family representative Jeffrey Lambert. "They'll be calling him Ol' Cole Slaw Head when I finish with him."

from Boston.com

Cape Cod is just a few highway exits away from Foxboro, and we count Bob Kraft among our residents. Bill Belichick has a place on Nantucket, and several of his coaching progeny have places on Cape Cod.

"Remember, Cape Cod is where a guy was pulled out of his car at a county fair and beaten with a baseball bat for the crime of wearing a Yankees hat," said Cranberry County Magazine founder Stephen Bowden. "It's worse with the Patriots. Even the local priest will punch you in the face for wearing a Peyton Manning jersey."

The atmosphere across the bridges is decidedly ugly. Goodell has been burned in effigy all over Cape Cod, and a recent anti-Goodell rally along the Cape Cod Canal culminated with a 15 story Roger Goodell pinata being smashed with a LNG tanker. Instead of candy, the pinata released 200000 bats.

Goodell may not be out of the woods just yet, either. US District Attorney Carmen Ortiz is said to be considering the possibility of prosecuting Goodell for violations of the Patriot Act. "There is some stuff in the small print of the Patriot Act that may beat a path to the gallows," said a spokesperson.

Goodell's spokesperson declined to comment.

Goodell now has a problem that .000000000001% of the world has. Imagine a scenario where Roger Goodell and his rich friends are planning vacations. Imagine how Goodell would have to react when someone suggests the go-to rich person destination of Martha's Vineyard.

"I can't go to Massachusetts. I'll be chased through the streets like the Town Fool."

(uncomfortable pause as Roger looks around the room, gauging his chances)

"Let's go to Indianapolis, instead. I'm like a God there."

Cranberry County Magazine's NFL Mock Draft

It's time once again for the Cranberry County Magazine NFL Mock Draft! The real draft is going down soon, so we're here to help you with the process.

We're linking to the DC Pro Sports Mock Draft Database.

Our panel of experts (Stephen, Stacey, Abdullah, Jessica, Cranberry Jones) split the teams up between them, loaded up on Marylou's Coffee, locked themselves away, created a cloud of smoke and went to draft-war against each other.

We're only going 3 rounds, mostly because the bottom falls out of the Patriots' draft after that. We also have only-so-many jokes about large men pushing each other about.

If you only care about the Pats and want to skip down and find out who we think they'll be adding to the squad next year, scroll down to Round 2 and Round 3 (60, 61, 90, 96). That should be easy enough for you, slacker!

The fact that no NFL expert of any sort has noted that we regularly kick Mel Kiper's ass all over God's jolly green earth should not deter you from accepting this mock draft as absolute football Gospel. If the actual real draft goes differently than what we tell you here, it means that They f*cked up and not Us... with the exception of Belichick, of course.

Round 1

1. Los Angeles Rams (from Tennessee Titans)... Jared Goff, QB

If, in a few years, you see California sports pages with jokes like "They've developed a really bad Goff" or "retired, now playing Goff," this pick may have just doomed football in Los Angeles.


2. Philadelphia Eagles (from Cleveland Browns)... Carson Wentz, QB

This pick was looking very Cleveland, i.e. "Well, Johnny Football blew up in our faces, let's draft this big stiff out of Somewhere Dakota State." I was kinda shocked to see the Brow pick up a king's ransom instead. The "gaggle of picks for one guy" trades usually work out for the gaggle-of-picks guys. Again, if headlines in the future ask "I wonder where Carson Wentz," I wouldn't want to be in Philadelphia.


3. San Diego Chargers...  Jalen Ramsey, DB

An OT would be nice, but they seem to think they're All Set there. If that's the case, we'll shore up their secondary.


4. Dallas Cowboys... Ezekiel Elliot, RB

Tony Romo will have a hard time getting injured if he's handing the ball to this guy often enough. I may have missed them adding someone, but sans Ezekiel, they have a Darren McFadden/Alfred Morris tandem.


5. Jacksonville Jaguars... Myles Jack, LB

They have a few holes to fill in New Jack City, but "Jack, from Jacksonville" has a nice ring to it.


6. Baltimore Ravens... Laremy Tunsil, OT

A potentially great left tackle drops into their laps. He'll make sure that No Whacko smokes Joe Flacco like Toe-Bacco.


7. San Francisco 49ers... DeForest Buckner, DE

At 6'7", even if he can't get sacks, the other teams' QBs will probably have 3-6 passes a game deflected by his head if he's positioned well.


8. Cleveland Browns (from Philadelphia Eagles, Miami Dolphins)... Corey Coleman, WR

Philly climbed through this team to get a QB. Cleveland trades away the chance to get a QB so that, once the dust settles, they end up getting a fine guy for their non-existent QB to throw to.


9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers... Joey Bosa, DE

"Joey Bosa" sounds like the guy who comes looking for you if you f*ck up a loan and fail to pay off a certain influential Sicilian businessman.


10. New York Giants... Ronnie Stanley, OT

"Two Manning brothers with neck injuries," sounds just fine and dandy to me, but I'm not running the Giants.


11. Chicago Bears... Vernon Hargreaves, CB

They have some prominent QBs throwing on them twice a season, so they could use some talent in the secondary.


12. New Orleans Saints... Shaq Lawson, DE

LSU did OK with the Shaq that they had, so we'll see if the Shaq Effect carries over to the pros.


13. Miami Dolphins (from Philadelphia Eagles).... Jack Conklin, OL

They have a hole at Guard, as well as a potential hole behind fragile OT Brandon Albert.


14. Oakland Raiders... William Jackson, CB

If you don't look like a good bet to score many points against Denver, you may as well try to keep Denver from scoring points. Make it all come down to a field goal, the little kicker people make the potential European viewers happy.


15. Tennessee Titans (from Los Angeles Rams).... Taylor Decker, OT

This would give them bookend Taylors on the offensive line.


16. Detroit Lions... Sheldon Rankins, DT

They let two first-round DTs go last year, and it made them soft in the middle.


17. Atlanta Falcons... Leonard Floyd, LB

They get a Georgia kid, which will please the local yokels.


18. Indianapolis Colts... Jarran Reed, DT

Indy was, is, and may always be the easy whore of Mister Touchdown, U.S.A for all of eternity. Jarran Reed at least won't be easy.


19. Buffalo Bills... Reggie Ragland, LB

He's a good name to know if you get a lot of Rs and Gs from a Scrabble bag.


20. New York Jets... Paxton Lynch... QB

I wonder what Sam Bradford costs?


21. Washington Redskins... Chris Jones, DL

It never hurts to build along the lines.


22. Houston Texans... Andrew Billings, DT

They could use a better guy up front with Vin and JJ. I'd bet that JJ would enjoy mentoring the young fellow.


23. Minnesota Vikings... Josh Doctson, WR

I went to Bridgewater State, and was going to buy a BSU jersey for all of those games I don't go to. However, a Bridgewater jersey from the Vikings would be cool to show up in. My boy needs someone to throw to, though.


24. Cincinnati Bengals... Sterling Shephard, WR

They take him because there isn't a player named "Stop Taking Stupid Penalties In Playoff Games."


25. Pittsburgh Steelers... Vernon Butler, NT

The Patriots dominated the NFL with #1 picks on the front end of  3-4 defense, why wouldn't it work in Pennsylvania?


26. Seattle Seahawks... Ryan Kelly, C

They traded away their center to get Jimmy Graham last year, and they try to wipe that mark off the board with this pick.


27. Green Bay Packers... A'Shawn Robinson, DL

A run-stopper never hurts in a division with AP.


28. Kansas City Chiefs... Will Fuller, WR

They need people to catch the ball, and even a short-throw QB needs a speed guy. Shoot, even I can throw it 20 yards, and if this dude is fast enough, he should be all alone after 20 yards.


29. New England Patriots (Forfeited)

Grrrrr....


29. Arizona Cardinals... Eli Apple, CB

They stole our pick! Well, not really...


30. Carolina Panthers... Germain Ifedi, OT

Unless I was trippin' balls during what I thought was the Super Bowl, Carolina needs help on the OL.


31. Denver Broncos... MacKenzie Alexander, CB

It never hurts to be covered in the event of an Aqib Talib injury.

Round 2

1 (32). Cleveland Browns... Darron Lee, LB

If he gets a back injury, they can play it like Bewitched and just find another Darron somewhere.


2 (33). Tennessee Titans... LaQuon Treadwell, WR

"Ole Miss" sounds like what you'd call an elderly neighbor when you are beyond the range of her hearing aid.


3 (34). Dallas Cowboys... Jaylon Smith, LB

"Jaylon" would rhyme with "Whale On" with a Texas accent.


4 (35). San Diego Chargers...  Noah Spence, LB

He can make two separate tackles at the same time if the ball carriers are of the same species.


5 (36). Baltimore Ravens... Rashard Higgins, WR

They may as well groom a WR, seeing as Steve Smith is nearing 50.


6 (37). San Francisco 49ers... Pharoh Cooper, WR

"Pharoh" is my favorite name in the draft so far, although we may work a "Scooby" into the top 100.


7 (38). Jacksonville Jaguars... Cyrus Jones, CB

"Cannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn you dig it????"


8 (39). Tampa Bay Buccaneers... Robert Nkemdiche, DL

pronounced "Nkemdiche."


9 (40). New York Giants... Kevin Dodd, DE

If he has all ten of his fingers, that's a plus.


10 (41). Chicago Bears... Hunter Henry, TE

Their best TE plays for New England, so they may want to look into the position on Day 2.


11 (42). Miami Dolphins... Kenneth Dixon, RB

Miami has a giant hole in the backfield, and they can just truck this kid over from LSU.


12 (43). Tennessee Titans (from Los Angeles Rams, Philadelphia Eagles)... Kalan Reed, CB

TT gathers up some booty from the #1 overall pick.


13 (44). Oakland Raiders... Shilique Calhoun, DE

This gives them a Khalid and a Shilique on the edges, something you don't see at Duxbury High School many years.


14 (45). Tennessee Titans (from Los Angeles Rams)... Nick Martin, C

If you took a QB at #2 overall like TT did last year, you want to give him 1) a LT to watch his back (check), a WR to throw to (check), and a guy to hike the ball to him (check). They took the cornerback to keep the defense guys from complaining.


15 (46). Detroit Lions... Leonte Carroo, WR

There will never be another Calvin Johnson, but there probably aren't a lot of guys named Leonte Carroo walking around, either.


16 (47). New Orleans Saints... Sheldon Day, DL

If the whole football thing doesn't work out for Sheldon, they can always use him to plug a hole in a levee.


17 (48). Indianapolis Colts... Joe Schobert, LB

You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry... why? Joe Schobert is comin' to town.


18 (49). Buffalo Bills... Cody Whitehair, OG

Buffalo needs a young OL guy for Richie Incognito to bully.


19 (50). Atlanta Falcons... Michael Thomas, WR

Matty Ice needs some more people to throw to.


20 (51). New York Jets... Jason Spriggs, OT

He's a project, but they'll probably let him learn on the job while the future QB learns from the safety of the bench.


21 (52). Houston Texans... Joe Dahl, OL

He could be a tackle, a guard or even a center.



22 (53). Washington Redskins... Paul Perkins, RB

Better call Paul!



23 (54). Minnesota Vikings... Emmanuel Ogbah, DE

His last name looks like "bog" spoken by someone who doesn't 100% understand Pig Latin.



24 (55). Cincinnati Bengals... Austin Johnson, DL 

It never hurts, when you get into the business of drafting large men, to get one who is named after a city.



25 (56). Seattle Seahawks...  Johnathan Bullard, DT

DT is a job on the field where it is good to have it filled by someone with "Bull" in his name.



26 (57). Green Bay Packers... Jihad Ward, DL

You won't have to worry about Intensity when you draft someone named "Jihad."



27 (58). Pittsburgh Steelers... Karl Joseph, S

They could probably use a CB more, but they have an offense that can win shootouts.



28 (59). Kansas City Chiefs... Su'a Cravens, S/LB

He's a hybrid guy who might have a hybrid first name.



29 (60). New England Patriots... Scooby Wright, LB

White guy, believe it or not...



30 (61). New England Patriots (from Arizona Cardinals)... Hassan Ridgeway, DL

New England blew open a hole on the DL when Dominique Easley Hassan played with Malcolm Brown at Texas.



31 (62). Carolina Panthers... Kendall Fuller, CB

They sort of got their hands tied when they released their best CB.



32 (63). Denver Broncos.. Connor Cook, QB

I already hate him, so this pick seems natural.

Round 3

1 (64). Tennessee Titans... Vonn Bell, S

He should invent a fake first name and use "Vonn Bell" as a last name, sort of like Van Halen.


2 (65). Cleveland Browns... Derrick Henry, RB

If they aren't going to be able to throw it, they may as well prepare to run it a lot.


3 (66). San Diego Chargers... Artie Burns, CB

You never want to have a guy named Burns at CB, but you can probably get away with it in Southern California.


4 (67). Dallas Cowboys... Malcolm Mitchell, WR

They give Dez someone to hang around with.


5 (68). San Francisco 49ers... Shon Coleman, OT

As long as he doesn't retire after a year, he'll do better than some SF draft picks.


6 (69). Jacksonville Jaguars... Xavien Howard, CB

It never hurts for a team like Jacksonville to double up on CB.


7 (70). Baltimore Ravens... LeRaven Clark, OT

That's French for "the Raven." They, or he, should get a hometown discount for that.


8 (71). New York Giants... Keanu Neal, S

You don't have to kneel if you're Keanu, you just bend backwards really slow while the bullets miss you.


9 (72). Chicago Bears... Tyler Boyd, WR

Jay Cutler needs more guys to overthrow.


10 (73). Miami Dolphins... Miles Killebrew, S

He sounds look a good guy to hit a tavern with.


11 (74). Tampa Bay Buccaneers... Braxton Miller, WR

They actually have a couple of good WRs, but V-JAX is gettin' old.


12 (75). Oakland Raiders... TJ Green, S

Oakland gets themselves some Green.


13 (76). Tennessee Titans (from Los Angeles Rams)... Jordan Howard, RB

230 pounds of running-straight-forward.


14 (77). Cleveland Browns (from Philadelphia Eagles, Detroit Lions)... Dak Prescott, QB

How can Cleveland continue to be Cleveland? Hand the ball to some guy named "Dak."


15 (78). New Orleans Saints... Joshua Garnett, OG

He went to Stanford, so all of the Southern players will tease him mercilessly.


16 (79). Philadelphia Eagles... Justin Simmons, S

BC kid.


17 (80). Buffalo Bills... Carl Nassib, DE

He comes from a football family, hes 6'7", and he comes from a football family.


18 (81). Atlanta Falcons... Christian Westerman, OG

Keeping Matty Ice upright long enough to spot Julio Jones greatly increases the chances of success in Hotlanta.


19 (82). Indianapolis Colts... Joe Thuney, OL

I think some linebacker somewhere actually took Andrew Luck's spleen as a keepsake last year.


20 (83). New York Jets... Kyle Fackrell, LB

The Jets get themselves a Brady hunter.


21 (84). Washington Redskins... Charone Peake, WR

He can't catch a cold... but if he does catch one, he runs a 4.37.


22 (85). Houston Texans... Max Tuerk, C

They draft someone to hike it to Brock Osweiler.


23 (86). Minnesota Vikings... Jordan Jenkins, LB

Minnesota stocks up on another guy to eventually replace an older starter.


24 (87). Cincinnati Bengals... DJ White, CB

Pac Man Jones can't play forever.


25 (88). Green Bay Packers... Will Redmond, CB

Green Bay is going all-D so far...


26 (89). Pittsburgh Steelers... Sean Davis, CB

Pittsburgh should have addressed this position earlier, but they I got distracted.


27 (90). Seattle Seahawks... Jerald Hawkins, OT

The fact that Russell Wilson can run around does not mean that he should be running around.


28. Kansas City Chiefs (Forfeited)

Yeah, they lose a late third.


29 (91). New England Patriots...  Kolby Listenbee, WR

4.35 in the 40.


30 (92). Arizona Cardinals... Jack Allen, C

He's a regular Jack of all trades, wocka wocka wocka...


31 (93). Carolina Panthers... Willie Beavers, OT

HAS to be southern. Has to be. I'd be funny if he were somehow a Bronx Jew.


32 (94) Denver Broncos... Willie Henry, DT

A pair of Willie's go one after another.


33 (95). Detroit Lions (Compensatory Selection)... Darrell Greene, OL

Described as "a thick ball of power" in the scouting guide I read.


34 (96). New England Patriots (Compensatory Selection)... Spencer Drango, OL

Not giving a damn what Denver and Seattle do after this pick, we drop the mic and go get Chinese food.

Much love to our host, the Massachusetts Maritime Academy...

Shadowy, Baseless Dominique Easley Speculation

A few thoughts about the release of New England Patriots DL Dominque Easley:

- Dom has an extensive injury history. He's wrecked both of his knees, has never finished an adult season healthy, and will now be someone else's problem.

- Perhaps the Pats had a look at his knees, saw something they couldn't stand, and bailed out early.

- Dominque is Easley the worst draft pick of the 2010s for Bill Belichick.

- He just converted to Islam last month. Perhaps he either turned up on the wrong Homeland Security list, or the FBI came calling about his activities? This is our wildest guess, it is an ugly guess, and I have no reason to believe it's true. We're just kicking up ideas here following the unexpected release of a 23 year old kid ranked 12th in the NFL at his position by Pro Football Focus.

- I do wonder if, when you release a player who has the FBI calling about him, you are obligated to tell potential suitors about it... kinda like when you buy a house that someone died in?

- Belichick has determined that not only will Donald Trump win the election, but that Trump will deport Muslims once he is President.

- He was in Miami on the night of the Tray Walker accident, and is often mentioned as the Patriots player that the police were interested in speaking with. After the Hernandez circus, they can't afford to have a second player turn up in a trial.

- Various player movements could speak of the Pats going back to a 3-4 defense.  If the knee won't hold up on a 3-4 D-Line and he's too hobbled to play LB, there's not much we can do with him.

- Belichick's legal people found a mistake in the wording in the penalty issued by the NFL over Deflategate which says they have to give up a first round draft pick... but not which first round draft pick.

- Dominique is somehow able to suffer knee injuries while playing Madden.

- Easley is an avid motorcycle guy with a clause in his contract prohibiting motorcycles. The Pats found out and stand a chance of getting out of a first-rounder contract with an oft-injured player.

- Check that... he likes regular bikes.

Know Thy Enemy: The Kansas City Chiefs

Kansas City is pretty much textbook Middle America. You can sail into town on the Missouri River. The thing they are best known for is barbecue food. Walt Disney, Ginger Rogers, Tiny Archibald, Amelia Earhart and Walter Cronkite lived there. Hostess and Hallmark are both headquartered there. They even have a cool theme song.

Its tough to hate them. I'm going to try, however.

You see, Kansas City is the home of the Chiefs. The gods set things up so that these Chiefs are the first team who your Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots have to stomp on to continue being your Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots. No other rubric by which one can judge Kansas City matters. Therefore, an entire American city must be fed into the Hate Machine.

Where to begin?

- Why isn't Kansas City in Kansas? They managed to get New York City in New York, right? It should be automatic... Kansas City, Kansas.

Kansas City is the difference between a C+ and B- on a middle school Geography test. God ony knows how many kids who might have made a difference in the world were instead kept out of AP classes because their mind did the logical leap from Kansas City to Kansas state?

With all the blood that has spilled in Missouri over the years, shouldn't someone have raised a musket to put Kansas City in the right state? Or at least force a change to Missouri City? Am I wrong on this?

- The football team is like the Von Erich curse of the NFL. It's a death ship.

Joe Delaney, a promising young running back, drowned trying to save kids who got in over their heads. He was brave enough that he tried to save them without knowing how to swim.

Derrick Thomas, one of the best linebackers ever, decided to drive 100 mph through a snowstorm without a seat belt on, and he was dead a month after the accident.

Jovan Belcher shot his girlfriend, drove over to the Chiefs practice, and then shot himself in front of Scott Pioli.

Promising youngster Mack Lee Hill died during knee surgery back in the 1960s.

Stone Johnson didn't even get to the regular season before dying of a spinal cord injury.

Hey, our players kill someone now and then, maybe deflate some balls, sometimes peek at the other team's signals... but KC has a body count.

- The Chiefs have been very impolite to Champagne Tom in the past. Bernard Pollard hit Tom Brady in the knee during the very first game of the season after Tom had sh*t on the NFL for 50 TDs. It happened during what ended up being one of the last good seasons Randy Moss had left, too.

Now, they have several guys who could also do a number on Tommy Cool. Justin Houston, who doesn't play for Houston, has about 40 sacks in the last two years. Tamba Hali is known for crushing QBs. Dontari Poe, who isn't related to Edgar Allen but who does weigh about 350 pounds, is also someone who I would not like to see get a hold of the Brady Bunchden.

New England's offensive line has been oft-ineffective this season, and Saturday's game would be a bad time for them to play down to their lowest level.

- For the reputation they enjoy as a barbecue Mecca, Kansas City's most well-known restaurant chain is friggin' Applebee's. I may be skipping something prominent, but I think that their biggest barbecue-related export is KC's Masterpiece, a C- economy sauce.

Of course, that is somewhat cancelled out by KC having 90 barbecue joints in her metropolitan area, a fact that makes me think that I should stop Chief-hatin' and start clean-platin'... but f*cking Applebee's, man? Someone should get a smack for that.

- Their best player is injured... but before he got injured, I had him on my fantasy team. You' the ace of spades, Jamaal Charles, the g*ddamned ace of spades!

- They got the wrong historical Thomas Hart Benton guy.

Senator Thomas Hart Benton was one of a kind. He shot Andrew Jackson, but later counted him as a friend. He also gave us one of the better quotes about ass-kicking, delivered with his proclivity for saying "Sir" every 5 words or so.

"I do not quarrel, Sir, but I fight, Sir, and when I fight, Sir, a funeral follows, Sir."

THAT version of Thomas Hart Benton settled in St. Louis. Kansas City instead got Thomas Hart Benton, painter. I doubt that he threatened anyone with a funeral.

- The Chiefs were founded because the NFL didn't want to water down their product just as they were beginning to compete on even terms with Major League Baseball. This led to the AFL, where the New England (then Boston) Patriots also came from.

The Chiefs were originally the AFL's Dallas Texans, but when the NFL brought the Cowboys to Dallas, the Texans had trouble keeping up with them. Kansas City was able to steal them away. They very nearly ended up in Atlanta or Miami.

- The "Chiefs" name has nothing to do with Native Americans. The team was named for the Mayor (Harold Roe Bartle) who helped get the team there. Bartle was a great organizer, and everyone called him "the Chief."

- No, I don't know why they have an Arrowhead mascot as opposed to a pudgy, nerdy but well-organized white politician mascot.

- The team name was taken from fan suggestions. It is unfair to say "contest," because the two names to get the most votes were "Mules" and "Royals." They later hung the Royals name on their baseball team.

-Owner Lamar Hunt, son of H.L.Hunt, sketched the design for the team's logo (an arrowhead with "KC" in the middle) onto a napkin.

- The coolest name in Missouri belongs to the "St. Louis Blues." The worst is hung on the "St. Louis Rams," who may be are leaving town anyhow. Blues is a straight A, Rams is a generous F, while both the Royals and the Chiefs are in the C range.

- The Chiefs have a terrible playoff history, which is ironic because they were the first powerhouse AFL team. Joe Namath's Jets just beat them to the title of First AFL team to win a Super Bowl. Their curb-stomping of the Minnesota Vikings in Super Bowl IV was bad enough that the NFL accepted a merger, just ahead of talk that the NFL was no match for the AFL any more.

Their win over the Houston Texans last week was their first playoff win since 1993, when they beat now-retired Warren Moon's now-defunct Houston Oilers. They went most of the 1970s wthout making the playoffs, had a brief resurgence in the 1980s under the dirty rotten rhymer Marty Schottenheimer, got the tail end of Joe Montana and Marcus Allen's careers, had the best Nigerian player ever, and never won Ditka.

- The Chiefs started this season 1-5, and then won 10 straight games to sneak into the playoffs. They destroyed Houston, and now they are the next clown out of the car for New England.

- Know that the Chiefs labor under the Curse Of Hank Stram.

Stram, their first coach, won a Super Bowl, but then the team stagnated. He was fired shortly after the Chiefs lost to Tampa Bay, who had dropped 26 straight games. He resented his firing, and subsequently cursed the team by saying they'd never make it to the Super Bowl until he wore Chiefs red again. Stram died without ever donning Red.

They haven't come close since.

Hopefully, this Saturday, we'll keep it that way.