Kansas City is pretty much textbook Middle America. You can sail into town on the Missouri River. The thing they are best known for is barbecue food. Walt Disney, Ginger Rogers, Tiny Archibald, Amelia Earhart and Walter Cronkite lived there. Hostess and Hallmark are both headquartered there. They even have a cool theme song.
Its tough to hate them. I'm going to try, however.
You see, Kansas City is the home of the Chiefs. The gods set things up so that these Chiefs are the first team who your Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots have to stomp on to continue being your Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots. No other rubric by which one can judge Kansas City matters. Therefore, an entire American city must be fed into the Hate Machine.
Where to begin?
- Why isn't Kansas City in Kansas? They managed to get New York City in New York, right? It should be automatic... Kansas City, Kansas.
Kansas City is the difference between a C+ and B- on a middle school Geography test. God ony knows how many kids who might have made a difference in the world were instead kept out of AP classes because their mind did the logical leap from Kansas City to Kansas state?
With all the blood that has spilled in Missouri over the years, shouldn't someone have raised a musket to put Kansas City in the right state? Or at least force a change to Missouri City? Am I wrong on this?
- The football team is like the Von Erich curse of the NFL. It's a death ship.
Joe Delaney, a promising young running back, drowned trying to save kids who got in over their heads. He was brave enough that he tried to save them without knowing how to swim.
Derrick Thomas, one of the best linebackers ever, decided to drive 100 mph through a snowstorm without a seat belt on, and he was dead a month after the accident.
Jovan Belcher shot his girlfriend, drove over to the Chiefs practice, and then shot himself in front of Scott Pioli.
Promising youngster Mack Lee Hill died during knee surgery back in the 1960s.
Stone Johnson didn't even get to the regular season before dying of a spinal cord injury.
Hey, our players kill someone now and then, maybe deflate some balls, sometimes peek at the other team's signals... but KC has a body count.
- The Chiefs have been very impolite to Champagne Tom in the past. Bernard Pollard hit Tom Brady in the knee during the very first game of the season after Tom had sh*t on the NFL for 50 TDs. It happened during what ended up being one of the last good seasons Randy Moss had left, too.
Now, they have several guys who could also do a number on Tommy Cool. Justin Houston, who doesn't play for Houston, has about 40 sacks in the last two years. Tamba Hali is known for crushing QBs. Dontari Poe, who isn't related to Edgar Allen but who does weigh about 350 pounds, is also someone who I would not like to see get a hold of the Brady Bunchden.
New England's offensive line has been oft-ineffective this season, and Saturday's game would be a bad time for them to play down to their lowest level.
- For the reputation they enjoy as a barbecue Mecca, Kansas City's most well-known restaurant chain is friggin' Applebee's. I may be skipping something prominent, but I think that their biggest barbecue-related export is KC's Masterpiece, a C- economy sauce.
Of course, that is somewhat cancelled out by KC having 90 barbecue joints in her metropolitan area, a fact that makes me think that I should stop Chief-hatin' and start clean-platin'... but f*cking Applebee's, man? Someone should get a smack for that.
- Their best player is injured... but before he got injured, I had him on my fantasy team. You' the ace of spades, Jamaal Charles, the g*ddamned ace of spades!
- They got the wrong historical Thomas Hart Benton guy.
Senator Thomas Hart Benton was one of a kind. He shot Andrew Jackson, but later counted him as a friend. He also gave us one of the better quotes about ass-kicking, delivered with his proclivity for saying "Sir" every 5 words or so.
"I do not quarrel, Sir, but I fight, Sir, and when I fight, Sir, a funeral follows, Sir."
THAT version of Thomas Hart Benton settled in St. Louis. Kansas City instead got Thomas Hart Benton, painter. I doubt that he threatened anyone with a funeral.
- The Chiefs were founded because the NFL didn't want to water down their product just as they were beginning to compete on even terms with Major League Baseball. This led to the AFL, where the New England (then Boston) Patriots also came from.
The Chiefs were originally the AFL's Dallas Texans, but when the NFL brought the Cowboys to Dallas, the Texans had trouble keeping up with them. Kansas City was able to steal them away. They very nearly ended up in Atlanta or Miami.
- The "Chiefs" name has nothing to do with Native Americans. The team was named for the Mayor (Harold Roe Bartle) who helped get the team there. Bartle was a great organizer, and everyone called him "the Chief."
- No, I don't know why they have an Arrowhead mascot as opposed to a pudgy, nerdy but well-organized white politician mascot.
- The team name was taken from fan suggestions. It is unfair to say "contest," because the two names to get the most votes were "Mules" and "Royals." They later hung the Royals name on their baseball team.
-Owner Lamar Hunt, son of H.L.Hunt, sketched the design for the team's logo (an arrowhead with "KC" in the middle) onto a napkin.
- The coolest name in Missouri belongs to the "St. Louis Blues." The worst is hung on the "St. Louis Rams," who
- The Chiefs have a terrible playoff history, which is ironic because they were the first powerhouse AFL team. Joe Namath's Jets just beat them to the title of First AFL team to win a Super Bowl. Their curb-stomping of the Minnesota Vikings in Super Bowl IV was bad enough that the NFL accepted a merger, just ahead of talk that the NFL was no match for the AFL any more.
Their win over the Houston Texans last week was their first playoff win since 1993, when they beat now-retired Warren Moon's now-defunct Houston Oilers. They went most of the 1970s wthout making the playoffs, had a brief resurgence in the 1980s under the dirty rotten rhymer Marty Schottenheimer, got the tail end of Joe Montana and Marcus Allen's careers, had the best Nigerian player ever, and never won Ditka.
- The Chiefs started this season 1-5, and then won 10 straight games to sneak into the playoffs. They destroyed Houston, and now they are the next clown out of the car for New England.
- Know that the Chiefs labor under the Curse Of Hank Stram.
Stram, their first coach, won a Super Bowl, but then the team stagnated. He was fired shortly after the Chiefs lost to Tampa Bay, who had dropped 26 straight games. He resented his firing, and subsequently cursed the team by saying they'd never make it to the Super Bowl until he wore Chiefs red again. Stram died without ever donning Red.
They haven't come close since.
Hopefully, this Saturday, we'll keep it that way.
