Roger Goodell has been on the hot seat lately. Whether it's players punching out women on camera, where-do-I-live-again concussion issues or coaches issuing bounties on players, the NFL commissioner has a lot on his plate.
Recently, Goodell brought about controversy via his decision to punish both the New England Patriots and Tom Brady over some spurious accusations regarding underinflated footballs.
The Patriots had a first round pick- most likely an All Pro caliber player- taken away from them. Tom Brady, in the home stretch of what might be the greatest career of anyone who ever picked up a football, was suspended for a quarter season.
Running the king of sports leagues is no easy job, and there will always be some bumps on the road. As we said, Mr. Goodell has a lot on his plate. Great power entails great responsibility, and uneasy is the head that wears the crown... or however that goes. Cape Cod is sympathetic.
That's why, effective at 9 AM on May 1st, Roger Goodell is banished from Cape Cod.
"It's a complicated legal issue," said Randy Hunt, the state representative from Sandwich. "This is unprecedented. Remember, even Benedict Arnold wasn't banned from America. We had to go back to the Holy Roman Empire, and the concept of an Imperial Ban."
Imperial Banishment involves:
- The banished person (known as the Geächtete, colloquially also as Vogelfreierei, "free as a bird,") loses all of his political rights
- The Geächtete suffers forfeiture of all assets and possessions
- The Geächtete is considered to be legally dead.
- The Geächtete can assume that he will be offered no protection by the law enforcement agencies, and (according to the Wikipedia) "anyone is allowed to rob, injure or kill him without legal consequences." Hunt is working to soften our stance on that one through a series of amendment riders.
Barnstable County Special Sheriff Jeff Perry has been put in charge of the Goodell banishment.
"My plan is to beat the fear of God into him," said Perry. "My deputies have been instructed to, on sight, gaffle Mr. Goodell, physically drag him to the Barnstable County House Of Corrections, lock him in solitary confinement and beat him on the kidneys with tonfas every hour on the hour."
Perry and Hunt, both Republicans, were quick to point out that the ban enjoys bipartisan support across Massachusetts. Conor Kennedy, scion of the famous Kennedy clan from Hyannis Port, stood beside Hunt as he announced the ban. Chatham mayor Em Nonesuch (D) notes that the nautical penalty would be Keelhauling.
Both Brstol County Sheriff Thomas Hodgson and Plymouth County Sheriff Joseph McDonald are also said to be considering the Imperial Ban.
Several local businesses are taking the initiative with the ban, striking before Cape Cod's official announcement. Lambert's Rainbow Fruit, a powerful Massachusetts produce giant with a store in Sandwich, has already barred Goodell from their stores.
"I'd jam a cabbage down his stupid throat," said family representative Jeffrey Lambert. "They'll be calling him Ol' Cole Slaw Head when I finish with him."
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| from Boston.com |
"Remember, Cape Cod is where a guy was pulled out of his car at a county fair and beaten with a baseball bat for the crime of wearing a Yankees hat," said Cranberry County Magazine founder Stephen Bowden. "It's worse with the Patriots. Even the local priest will punch you in the face for wearing a Peyton Manning jersey."
The atmosphere across the bridges is decidedly ugly. Goodell has been burned in effigy all over Cape Cod, and a recent anti-Goodell rally along the Cape Cod Canal culminated with a 15 story Roger Goodell pinata being smashed with a LNG tanker. Instead of candy, the pinata released 200000 bats.
Goodell may not be out of the woods just yet, either. US District Attorney Carmen Ortiz is said to be considering the possibility of prosecuting Goodell for violations of the Patriot Act. "There is some stuff in the small print of the Patriot Act that may beat a path to the gallows," said a spokesperson.
Goodell's spokesperson declined to comment.
Goodell now has a problem that .000000000001% of the world has. Imagine a scenario where Roger Goodell and his rich friends are planning vacations. Imagine how Goodell would have to react when someone suggests the go-to rich person destination of Martha's Vineyard.
"I can't go to Massachusetts. I'll be chased through the streets like the Town Fool."
(uncomfortable pause as Roger looks around the room, gauging his chances)
"Let's go to Indianapolis, instead. I'm like a God there."
