It's time once again for the Cranberry County Magazine NFL Mock Draft! The real draft is going down soon, so we're here to help you with the process.
We're linking to the DC Pro Sports Mock Draft Database.
Our panel of experts (Stephen, Stacey, Abdullah, Jessica, Cranberry Jones) split the teams up between them, loaded up on Marylou's Coffee, locked themselves away, created a cloud of smoke and went to draft-war against each other.
We're only going 3 rounds, mostly because the bottom falls out of the Patriots' draft after that. We also have only-so-many jokes about large men pushing each other about.
If you only care about the Pats and want to skip down and find out who we think they'll be adding to the squad next year, scroll down to Round 2 and Round 3 (60, 61, 90, 96). That should be easy enough for you, slacker!
The fact that no NFL expert of any sort has noted that we regularly kick Mel Kiper's ass all over God's jolly green earth should not deter you from accepting this mock draft as absolute football Gospel. If the actual real draft goes differently than what we tell you here, it means that They f*cked up and not Us... with the exception of Belichick, of course.
Round 1
1. Los Angeles Rams (from Tennessee Titans)... Jared Goff, QB
If, in a few years, you see California sports pages with jokes like "They've developed a really bad Goff" or "retired, now playing Goff," this pick may have just doomed football in Los Angeles.
2. Philadelphia Eagles (from Cleveland Browns)... Carson Wentz, QB
This pick was looking very Cleveland, i.e. "Well, Johnny Football blew up in our faces, let's draft this big stiff out of Somewhere Dakota State." I was kinda shocked to see the Brow pick up a king's ransom instead. The "gaggle of picks for one guy" trades usually work out for the gaggle-of-picks guys. Again, if headlines in the future ask "I wonder where Carson Wentz," I wouldn't want to be in Philadelphia.
3. San Diego Chargers... Jalen Ramsey, DB
An OT would be nice, but they seem to think they're All Set there. If that's the case, we'll shore up their secondary.
4. Dallas Cowboys... Ezekiel Elliot, RB
Tony Romo will have a hard time getting injured if he's handing the ball to this guy often enough. I may have missed them adding someone, but sans Ezekiel, they have a Darren McFadden/Alfred Morris tandem.
5. Jacksonville Jaguars... Myles Jack, LB
They have a few holes to fill in New Jack City, but "Jack, from Jacksonville" has a nice ring to it.
6. Baltimore Ravens... Laremy Tunsil, OT
A potentially great left tackle drops into their laps. He'll make sure that No Whacko smokes Joe Flacco like Toe-Bacco.
7. San Francisco 49ers... DeForest Buckner, DE
At 6'7", even if he can't get sacks, the other teams' QBs will probably have 3-6 passes a game deflected by his head if he's positioned well.
8. Cleveland Browns (from Philadelphia Eagles, Miami Dolphins)... Corey Coleman, WR
Philly climbed through this team to get a QB. Cleveland trades away the chance to get a QB so that, once the dust settles, they end up getting a fine guy for their non-existent QB to throw to.
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers... Joey Bosa, DE
"Joey Bosa" sounds like the guy who comes looking for you if you f*ck up a loan and fail to pay off a certain influential Sicilian businessman.
10. New York Giants... Ronnie Stanley, OT
"Two Manning brothers with neck injuries," sounds just fine and dandy to me, but I'm not running the Giants.
11. Chicago Bears... Vernon Hargreaves, CB
They have some prominent QBs throwing on them twice a season, so they could use some talent in the secondary.
12. New Orleans Saints... Shaq Lawson, DE
LSU did OK with the Shaq that they had, so we'll see if the Shaq Effect carries over to the pros.
13. Miami Dolphins (from Philadelphia Eagles).... Jack Conklin, OL
They have a hole at Guard, as well as a potential hole behind fragile OT Brandon Albert.
14. Oakland Raiders... William Jackson, CB
If you don't look like a good bet to score many points against Denver, you may as well try to keep Denver from scoring points. Make it all come down to a field goal, the little kicker people make the potential European viewers happy.
15. Tennessee Titans (from Los Angeles Rams).... Taylor Decker, OT
This would give them bookend Taylors on the offensive line.
16. Detroit Lions... Sheldon Rankins, DT
They let two first-round DTs go last year, and it made them soft in the middle.
17. Atlanta Falcons... Leonard Floyd, LB
They get a Georgia kid, which will please the local yokels.
18. Indianapolis Colts... Jarran Reed, DT
Indy was, is, and may always be the easy whore of Mister Touchdown, U.S.A for all of eternity. Jarran Reed at least won't be easy.
19. Buffalo Bills... Reggie Ragland, LB
He's a good name to know if you get a lot of Rs and Gs from a Scrabble bag.
20. New York Jets... Paxton Lynch... QB
I wonder what Sam Bradford costs?
21. Washington Redskins... Chris Jones, DL
It never hurts to build along the lines.
22. Houston Texans... Andrew Billings, DT
They could use a better guy up front with Vin and JJ. I'd bet that JJ would enjoy mentoring the young fellow.
23. Minnesota Vikings... Josh Doctson, WR
I went to Bridgewater State, and was going to buy a BSU jersey for all of those games I don't go to. However, a Bridgewater jersey from the Vikings would be cool to show up in. My boy needs someone to throw to, though.
24. Cincinnati Bengals... Sterling Shephard, WR
They take him because there isn't a player named "Stop Taking Stupid Penalties In Playoff Games."
25. Pittsburgh Steelers... Vernon Butler, NT
The Patriots dominated the NFL with #1 picks on the front end of 3-4 defense, why wouldn't it work in Pennsylvania?
26. Seattle Seahawks... Ryan Kelly, C
They traded away their center to get Jimmy Graham last year, and they try to wipe that mark off the board with this pick.
27. Green Bay Packers... A'Shawn Robinson, DL
A run-stopper never hurts in a division with AP.
28. Kansas City Chiefs... Will Fuller, WR
They need people to catch the ball, and even a short-throw QB needs a speed guy. Shoot, even I can throw it 20 yards, and if this dude is fast enough, he should be all alone after 20 yards.
29. New England Patriots (Forfeited)
Grrrrr....
29. Arizona Cardinals... Eli Apple, CB
They stole our pick! Well, not really...
30. Carolina Panthers... Germain Ifedi, OT
Unless I was trippin' balls during what I thought was the Super Bowl, Carolina needs help on the OL.
31. Denver Broncos... MacKenzie Alexander, CB
It never hurts to be covered in the event of an Aqib Talib injury.
Round 2
1 (32). Cleveland Browns... Darron Lee, LB
If he gets a back injury, they can play it like Bewitched and just find another Darron somewhere.
2 (33). Tennessee Titans... LaQuon Treadwell, WR
"Ole Miss" sounds like what you'd call an elderly neighbor when you are beyond the range of her hearing aid.
3 (34). Dallas Cowboys... Jaylon Smith, LB
"Jaylon" would rhyme with "Whale On" with a Texas accent.
4 (35). San Diego Chargers... Noah Spence, LB
He can make two separate tackles at the same time if the ball carriers are of the same species.
5 (36). Baltimore Ravens... Rashard Higgins, WR
They may as well groom a WR, seeing as Steve Smith is nearing 50.
6 (37). San Francisco 49ers... Pharoh Cooper, WR
"Pharoh" is my favorite name in the draft so far, although we may work a "Scooby" into the top 100.
7 (38). Jacksonville Jaguars... Cyrus Jones, CB
"Cannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn you dig it????"
8 (39). Tampa Bay Buccaneers... Robert Nkemdiche, DL
pronounced "Nkemdiche."
9 (40). New York Giants... Kevin Dodd, DE
If he has all ten of his fingers, that's a plus.
10 (41). Chicago Bears... Hunter Henry, TE
Their best TE plays for New England, so they may want to look into the position on Day 2.
11 (42). Miami Dolphins... Kenneth Dixon, RB
Miami has a giant hole in the backfield, and they can just truck this kid over from LSU.
12 (43). Tennessee Titans (from Los Angeles Rams, Philadelphia Eagles)... Kalan Reed, CB
TT gathers up some booty from the #1 overall pick.
13 (44). Oakland Raiders... Shilique Calhoun, DE
This gives them a Khalid and a Shilique on the edges, something you don't see at Duxbury High School many years.
14 (45). Tennessee Titans (from Los Angeles Rams)... Nick Martin, C
If you took a QB at #2 overall like TT did last year, you want to give him 1) a LT to watch his back (check), a WR to throw to (check), and a guy to hike the ball to him (check). They took the cornerback to keep the defense guys from complaining.
15 (46). Detroit Lions... Leonte Carroo, WR
There will never be another Calvin Johnson, but there probably aren't a lot of guys named Leonte Carroo walking around, either.
16 (47). New Orleans Saints... Sheldon Day, DL
If the whole football thing doesn't work out for Sheldon, they can always use him to plug a hole in a levee.
17 (48). Indianapolis Colts... Joe Schobert, LB
You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry... why? Joe Schobert is comin' to town.
18 (49). Buffalo Bills... Cody Whitehair, OG
Buffalo needs a young OL guy for Richie Incognito to bully.
19 (50). Atlanta Falcons... Michael Thomas, WR
Matty Ice needs some more people to throw to.
20 (51). New York Jets... Jason Spriggs, OT
He's a project, but they'll probably let him learn on the job while the future QB learns from the safety of the bench.
21 (52). Houston Texans... Joe Dahl, OL
He could be a tackle, a guard or even a center.
22 (53). Washington Redskins... Paul Perkins, RB
Better call Paul!
23 (54). Minnesota Vikings... Emmanuel Ogbah, DE
His last name looks like "bog" spoken by someone who doesn't 100% understand Pig Latin.
24 (55). Cincinnati Bengals... Austin Johnson, DL
It never hurts, when you get into the business of drafting large men, to get one who is named after a city.
25 (56). Seattle Seahawks... Johnathan Bullard, DT
DT is a job on the field where it is good to have it filled by someone with "Bull" in his name.
26 (57). Green Bay Packers... Jihad Ward, DL
You won't have to worry about Intensity when you draft someone named "Jihad."
27 (58). Pittsburgh Steelers... Karl Joseph, S
They could probably use a CB more, but they have an offense that can win shootouts.
28 (59). Kansas City Chiefs... Su'a Cravens, S/LB
He's a hybrid guy who might have a hybrid first name.
29 (60). New England Patriots... Scooby Wright, LB
White guy, believe it or not...
30 (61). New England Patriots (from Arizona Cardinals)... Hassan Ridgeway, DL
New England blew open a hole on the DL when Dominique Easley Hassan played with Malcolm Brown at Texas.
31 (62). Carolina Panthers... Kendall Fuller, CB
They sort of got their hands tied when they released their best CB.
32 (63). Denver Broncos.. Connor Cook, QB
I already hate him, so this pick seems natural.
Round 3
1 (64). Tennessee Titans... Vonn Bell, S
He should invent a fake first name and use "Vonn Bell" as a last name, sort of like Van Halen.
2 (65). Cleveland Browns... Derrick Henry, RB
If they aren't going to be able to throw it, they may as well prepare to run it a lot.
3 (66). San Diego Chargers... Artie Burns, CB
You never want to have a guy named Burns at CB, but you can probably get away with it in Southern California.
4 (67). Dallas Cowboys... Malcolm Mitchell, WR
They give Dez someone to hang around with.
5 (68). San Francisco 49ers... Shon Coleman, OT
As long as he doesn't retire after a year, he'll do better than some SF draft picks.
6 (69). Jacksonville Jaguars... Xavien Howard, CB
It never hurts for a team like Jacksonville to double up on CB.
7 (70). Baltimore Ravens... LeRaven Clark, OT
That's French for "the Raven." They, or he, should get a hometown discount for that.
8 (71). New York Giants... Keanu Neal, S
You don't have to kneel if you're Keanu, you just bend backwards really slow while the bullets miss you.
9 (72). Chicago Bears... Tyler Boyd, WR
Jay Cutler needs more guys to overthrow.
10 (73). Miami Dolphins... Miles Killebrew, S
He sounds look a good guy to hit a tavern with.
11 (74). Tampa Bay Buccaneers... Braxton Miller, WR
They actually have a couple of good WRs, but V-JAX is gettin' old.
12 (75). Oakland Raiders... TJ Green, S
Oakland gets themselves some Green.
13 (76). Tennessee Titans (from Los Angeles Rams)... Jordan Howard, RB
230 pounds of running-straight-forward.
14 (77). Cleveland Browns (from Philadelphia Eagles, Detroit Lions)... Dak Prescott, QB
How can Cleveland continue to be Cleveland? Hand the ball to some guy named "Dak."
15 (78). New Orleans Saints... Joshua Garnett, OG
He went to Stanford, so all of the Southern players will tease him mercilessly.
16 (79). Philadelphia Eagles... Justin Simmons, S
BC kid.
17 (80). Buffalo Bills... Carl Nassib, DE
He comes from a football family, hes 6'7", and he comes from a football family.
18 (81). Atlanta Falcons... Christian Westerman, OG
Keeping Matty Ice upright long enough to spot Julio Jones greatly increases the chances of success in Hotlanta.
19 (82). Indianapolis Colts... Joe Thuney, OL
I think some linebacker somewhere actually took Andrew Luck's spleen as a keepsake last year.
20 (83). New York Jets... Kyle Fackrell, LB
The Jets get themselves a Brady hunter.
21 (84). Washington Redskins... Charone Peake, WR
He can't catch a cold... but if he does catch one, he runs a 4.37.
22 (85). Houston Texans... Max Tuerk, C
They draft someone to hike it to Brock Osweiler.
23 (86). Minnesota Vikings... Jordan Jenkins, LB
Minnesota stocks up on another guy to eventually replace an older starter.
24 (87). Cincinnati Bengals... DJ White, CB
Pac Man Jones can't play forever.
25 (88). Green Bay Packers... Will Redmond, CB
Green Bay is going all-D so far...
26 (89). Pittsburgh Steelers... Sean Davis, CB
Pittsburgh should have addressed this position earlier, but
27 (90). Seattle Seahawks... Jerald Hawkins, OT
The fact that Russell Wilson can run around does not mean that he should be running around.
28. Kansas City Chiefs (Forfeited)
Yeah, they lose a late third.
29 (91). New England Patriots... Kolby Listenbee, WR
4.35 in the 40.
30 (92). Arizona Cardinals... Jack Allen, C
He's a regular Jack of all trades, wocka wocka wocka...
31 (93). Carolina Panthers... Willie Beavers, OT
HAS to be southern. Has to be. I'd be funny if he were somehow a Bronx Jew.
32 (94) Denver Broncos... Willie Henry, DT
A pair of Willie's go one after another.
33 (95). Detroit Lions (Compensatory Selection)... Darrell Greene, OL
Described as "a thick ball of power" in the scouting guide I read.
34 (96). New England Patriots (Compensatory Selection)... Spencer Drango, OL
Not giving a damn what Denver and Seattle do after this pick, we drop the mic and go get Chinese food.
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| Much love to our host, the Massachusetts Maritime Academy... |
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