Super Bowl Ratings, Betting Lines, Silly Bets

The Super Bowl is today, and it hits with the force of a national holiday. 111 million watched the game last year, making it the third most-viewed Super Bowl of all time... which also makes it the third most-viewed TV show ever put on the tube.

The highest non-Super Bowl TV show ever was 105 million watching the final episode of M.A.S.H., and M.A.S.H. was only able to hold the title until Super Bowl 44. Of the 20 most viewed programs in US History, 19 are Super Bowls and one is the M.A.S.H. finale. You need 88 million viewers to even sniff that list. Trump and Hillary's first debate scored 84 million. Seinfeld's last episode scored 76 million. The last Johnny Carson version of The Tonight Show did 50 million.

If you need an idea about how twisted TV ratings get... the fact that population grows yearly doesn't dilute the shock of realizing that the last episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show was beaten by the last episode of ALF. Ranked #20 overall on the list of TV show codas, ALF also outscored the final episodes of Breaking Bad (ALF doubled them), Bonanza, Murphy Brown, Letterman, Sex In The City, Will And Grace, Twin Peaks and Melrose Place.

YouTube is changing everything. Like I said, Donald Trump's inauguration drew 30 million TV viewers. I'm In Love With The Coco, on YouTube, drew 190 million.

If you need a lead on how powerful the Super Bowl is... the Super Bowl postgame show did 76 million viewers. That's what the final Seinfeld garnered, as well as the Ed Sullivan show with the Beatles. It's is about twice as many viewers as the Academy Awards got, a bit less than twice of what Obama's inauguration drew, more than twice as many viewers as Trump's inauguration had, and about triple of what the Charles/Diana wedding drew in the US.

The only thing that can beat a Super Bowl is a British royal wedding, and you have to go Worldwide viewership to get that 750 million number. Only 30-40 million foreigners watch the Super Bowl, which may just explain why the US wins all of those World Wars.

Not a lot of people bet on the Royal Wedding, but that's not a problem for the fan of American F***ing Football. You can bet on every single aspect of the game, and we shall explore some of those aspects in today's column.

The basic betting lines, and the ones where most of the money will be wagered, is like thusly:

2/5 6:30 ET New England -3 Atlanta 58.5

This means that New England is favored to win, by 3 points, a game that is going to get 58 or 59 points.

We did a whole article about how we thought that this betting line was going to work itself out, although we spent most of the article talking about Mongols, General Sherman and physically destroying the city of Atlanta.

However, there are hundreds of bets you can make on the game. Here's a few of them, with little asides where we give you advice on how we'd handle it:


Odds to win Super Bowl MVP

Tom Brady: 3/2
Matt Ryan: 7/4
Julio Jones: 11/2
Field: 10/1

Anything could happen here. Legarrette Blount might punch in 4 touchdowns. Vic Beasley might sever Tom Brady's spine. Mohammed Sanu might catch a TD and throw for one. The field goal kickers may do all the scoring. Devin McCourty may get a pair of pick-sixes. If you feel that something like that will happen, choose "Field."

If you think that Hotlanta will win, and that they will win because Matt Ryan throws 4TDs to Julio Jones (his momma named him that), you have to make up your mind.

On the other hand, if the Pats win, you're pretty much handing the trophy to Champagne Tom.


O/U total points at halftime: 29.5...  O/U total points after three quarters: 43.5

The Patriots start slow in Super Bowls. The Falcons scored on their first possession like 8 times in a row or so.

Keep in mind, if one team goes up big, they'll run the ball in an attempt to eat the clock. That is mostly a 4th quarter matter, but it all factors in if you're banking on the 59 point Over for the game. You could also have a close game where the teams trade repeated strikes in the 4th quarter.

I tend to view games as Wholes, and usually avoid this kind of bet.


Odds a kicker misses an extra point: 7/3

It's been happening a lot this year. That said, we have two pretty clutch kickers working this game, which is being played in a domed stadium. That's kicker Nirvana,


Odds there is a completed Hail Mary: 66/1

When you may have a mortgage payment riding on whether someone throws a Hail Mary and hits it,  try to bet on the team who has Danny AMENdola.

If you have to use ALL CAPS to force through the Amen part of the joke, the joke probably wasn't funny... but the What's Funny book was written during the Bob Hope era, well before the Internet.


Odds to rush for the most yards

LeGarrette Blount: 9/4
Devonta Freeman: 5/2
Tevin Coleman: 3/1
Dion Lewis: 6/1
FIELD: 28/1

Old School wagerers think "Kenny King," a relatively obscure back who cranked out an 80 yard TD catch to screw up a 1980 receiving version of this bet.

You want to go Blount here. Freeman, Lewis and Coleman are more likely to catch the ball than be handed it in most scenarios.


Odds to score the first TD

Julio Jones: 9/2
Devonta Freeman: 5/1
LeGarrette Blount: 6/1
Mohamed Sanu: 7/1
Martellus Bennett: 9/1
Chris Hogan: 11/1
Julian Edelman: 11/1
Tevin Coleman: 14/1
Dion Lewis: 16/1
FIELD: 12/1

I'd be taking Blount all day with this, except that 1) Atlanta scores on their first possession a lot, and B) Julio Jones is a freak of nature, and 3) FIELD is a group that includes the other 98 players involved in the game.


Over/Under height of the tallest player to score a TD: 6’3″

Jones is listed at 6'3". Blount is under. Brady is over. Bennett is over. Lewis, Freeman and Coleman are under. Ryan is 6'4".  Both Atlanta tight ends and Bennett are over 6'4". Every defensive back is under 6'3", in case you're counting on a pick-6.

Over/Under weight of the heaviest player to score a TD: 249.5 lbs

Blount is over 250 pounds. If you're banking on keeping him out of the end zone, you may as well spend all of your money betting Atlanta and the Under.


Odds the opening coin toss comes up…

Heads: 1/1
Tails: 1/1

I could say "flip a coin" here, but that would be redundant.


Odds on what color Gatorade will be poured on the winning coach:

Orange: 7/2
Blue: 15/4
Clear/Water: 4/1
Purple: 6/1
Yellow: 13/2
None: 10/1

"Yellow" is the popular bet in this Mr. Trump-goes-to-Moscow era.

I do know that I worked in a factory for many years, the company kept Gatorade up all the time for us, and we always wanted the Green. Green isn't on this list, which is funny because we'd always bitch and moan if we got Red, which also isn't on the list.


Odds on what color hoodie Bill Belichick wears

Blue: 4/11
Grey: 3/1
Red: 40/1
Field: 50/1

I will say that, if he shows up in a suit, it will be his last game. If he's ever going to dress up for a game, it will be that one.

Otherwise, I'm only comfortable when he wears the grey one.


Odds a fan throws a _____ on the field:

flare 15/1
slightly deflated football: 19/1
dildo: 45/1
dead falcon: 300/1

The flare may come from Bobcat Goldthwait's "He threw a lit flare into my car" bit from When Your Team Wins The Super Bowl. The football joke would only make Champagne Tom angry. The dil gets chucked on the field now and then, and is probably the safest bet on the list. I do not know whether it counts if the team has a pet Falcon who dies of fright when the New England Football Mil-ish-ee- uh gets to bangin' away with those muskets.

I can think of very few winged creatures who got involved with high profile sports games and didn't regret it immediately. The Randy Johnson/dove story is worse than the Dave Winfield/seagull story, and trails only Michael Vick hanging dogs and Kerry Von Erich giving a cat the Iron Claw. I'd bet against the dead falcon.


O/U on the number of times Gisele is shown on screen: 1.5

Giselle is never going to hurt any broadcast with a visual medium. Take the over.


O/U references to Deflategate/Spygate: 4.5

Again, the big theme of the game is Brady being judged innocent by God in a Trial of Ordeal relating to the Deflategate fiasco. Take the over. Remember, someone in the mob thinks that it's a fairly good bet that people will be throwing deflated footballs onto the field.


Odds Dan Quinn wears a hair piece during the game: 50/1

I read an article about Clive Rush, who coached the Pats during a bad season. He was later institutionalized.

One day, he was going up against Paul Brown, one of the all-time great coaches. He's who the Cleveland Browns are named after, and you'd have to check with Jim Brown's momma to make sure that Jim Brown isn't named after him as well.

"Paul Brown is a genius," Rush told his players. "Anything logical that I might try today, he has already anticipated it and developed a counter for it. Therefore, we shall do illogical things."

His big move was having guys run into the huddle, stay for 3 seconds, then run off the field at the last second. "He'll notice it, no doubt," said Rush. "I'm counting on that. He'll wonder why I'm doing it, and waste time he should waste thinking about me trying to solve that riddle instead.""

The Brown team (I think it was Cincy at that point) won by 35 points, as I recall.

That sort of logic, designed to confuse Bill Belichick, is the only way I see Quinn wearing a rug. Bald is beautiful, IMHO. Let it shine.


 O/U on the length of the broadcast: 215.5 minutes

Any number of things can drive this total up or down. I'd avoid this one like a leper whore, but I put the numbers up there for you to bet on.


O/U on the number of times FOX show stars are shown in the crowd during the broadcast: 1.5

If this were the 1997 Super Bowl, you could watch Ally McBeal binge-n-purge on some hot dogs.

I don't watch much normal TV, so- sadly- that is the most recent reference I can think up on this topic.


Over/Under number of sideline reports from Erin Andrews during the game broadcast (between the opening kickoff and the final play): 5.5

The only way you can see more of her is if you aim a camera into her hotel room, wokka wokka wokka...


Odds there is a halftime show wardrobe malfunction: 2/1

When Janet Jackson was disrobed by the NSYNCH kid during the halftime show, I was actually reaching down to dip a Tostito into some salsa. This was at a point in my life that I wasn't seeing many breasts. Sometimes, the world is a cruel and unjust place.

If we get a Lady Gaga warbrobe malfunction, does it count if she does it on purpose? I keep seeing her doing a "Grab THIS pussy, Donald!" type of protest. It's not always a bad thing to be on the Ugly list in some places, especially if 110 million people see you work your way onto it.


O/U on the number of guest performers during the halftime show: 0.5

Someone, be it Mick Jagger or Rihanna or Bey Bey or even Jimmy Page, is joining her for a song. You only need one with this bet.

I am curious if, should she bring out a midget, what a half a person counts as.


Odds on Lady Gaga’s opening halftime show song

The Edge Of Glory: 3/1
Perfect Illusion: 7/2
Born This Way: 4/1
Other: 2/1

The only Gaga song I know is the one that goes "La la la-la la," which I also am being told by Stacey's kids is every one of her songs.

Little Known Cranberry County Magazine fact... this column was originally a town reporter column on Cape Cod TODAY, we covered the town of Bourne, and we called it Bourne This Way. I had no idea it was a Gaga song for several of the years we were writing that column (I wanted the more Kubrickian "Bourne To Kill"), until Jessica finally explained it to me. The IP address on our Facebook page still says "Bourne This Way."


Odds Lady Gaga gets booed during the halftime show: 9/1

A very, very liberal performer who might 1) have a lip synch failure a la Ashley Simpson or Mariah Carey, or who might 2) make some sort of anti-Trump statement in a stadium full of can-afford-$2500-a-ticket Texas football fans... it's a lot like what they say about passing the football- three things can happen, and two of them are bad.


Odds on which company will air the first commercial (after the coin toss):

Bud Light: 25/1
Lexus: 30/1
Intel: 30/1
Skittles: 30/1
Wix: 30/1
TurboTax: 33/1
Avocados from Mexico: 35/1
Mr. Clean: 35/1
Hyundai: 500/1

I don't know what a Wix is, so I'd probably bet on the Bud Light.

Running an ad during the Super Bowl will cost you $5 million for 30 seconds.

"See it on the TV/any given Sunday/Win the Super Bowl, drive home in a Hyundai..."


O/U commercials parodying Donald Trump: 1.5

Does a White House press conference count? Those oily bastards might repeal Obamacare during the middle of the second quarter.


Odds on who is more likely to host Saturday Night Live following the Super Bowl:

Tom Brady: 1/19
Julio Jones: 25/1
Matt Ryan: 50/1
Bill Belichick: 5,000/1

The odds on Belichick (who would be superb at it, the perfect straight man for a Sandler/Farley/Belushi type of character) may be conservative.

"None of them" is the best option.


Odds Luke Bryan wears cowboy boots and blue jeans: 4/1

Your author, who won $50 once when Christina Aguilera wore pantyhose during a different National Anthem, should know the answer to this, but I don't know who Luke is and don't know how he dresses.

I assume that he's a country guy, and they don't wear anything but jeans and cowboy hats. What else is he going to wear? A full pimp outift? Camo? Hezbollah?


Odds of Lady Gaga making an anti-Trump political statement during her performance (visual or vocal): 10/13

This is a juicy one. Gaga is a fluff performer, known as much for her legs as her lungs. She did a perfectly nice National Anthem in the last Super Bowl without editing anything into the Francis Scott Key classic.

She could instantly change her image into something far more serious by taking a shot at Cheeto Jesus.

When betting money on this, please make sure that the line is clearly defined on"making an anti-Trump political statement" and "getting that anti-Trump political statement past the censors," especially if her protest involves soft furry things that Trump likes to grab.

It may add to your enjoyment of the National Anthem to know that it is a rewritten English drinking song, akin to Roll Out The Barrel. The guy who wrote it, Francis Scott Key, later had a son who was killed by a jealous husband. The killer, Union General Daniel Sickles, got acquitted by running the first Insanity defense in US legal history.

Sickles later had a leg blown off at Gettysburg, and is said to have refused pain-killing ether because lighting a cigar around ether may cause an explosion... and, uhm, first things first, mate.

- Abdullah

Super Bowl LI Prediction: Marching Through Georgia (In Texas)...

Football is known for military analogies. Football teams blitz, throw bombs, sack, flank, feint, perform end runs... you know, all that Soldiering stuff. Even the game itself is basically military in nature, in that you forcibly take territory from an adversary.

Some people look down on that, but not Cranberry County Motherlovin' Magazine. We think that football should be what it is. It's a brutal game, played by brutal men to entertain brutal fans.

This flaw in our collective personality only gets worse when the New England Patriots get into the Super Bowl against the Atlanta Falcons, like they are this weekend.

We meant to write several small articles to give you insight into the game, maybe a little Steve on Monday, some Stacey on Wednesday and Abdullah as the weekend anchorman. Instead, there was a lot of military history being read on Cape Cod's borderlands this week, and it is with the mind of a Conqueror that Cranberry County Magazine took the Sports Desk to Houston this weekend.

Prior to invading Galilee, the Mongol khan Hulagu gave Egypt the chance to avoid hostilities. He sent envoys with a reasonable peace offering to the Mamluk Sultan in Cairo, and these poor men- who were decapitated moments later- stood before Qutuz to proclaim:

"From the King of Kings of the East and West, the Great Khan. To Qutuz the Mamluk, who fled to escape our swords. You should think of what happened to other countries and submit to us. You have heard how we have conquered a vast empire and have purified the earth of the disorders that tainted it. We have conquered vast areas, massacring all the people. You cannot escape from the terror of our armies. Where can you flee? What road will you use to escape us? Our horses are swift, our arrows sharp, our swords like thunderbolts, our hearts as hard as the mountains, our soldiers as numerous as the sand. Fortresses will not detain us, nor armies stop us. Your prayers to God will not avail against us. We are not moved by tears nor touched by lamentations. Only those who beg our protection will be safe. Hasten your reply before the fire of war is kindled. Resist and you will suffer the most terrible catastrophes. We will shatter your mosques and reveal the weakness of your God and then will kill your children and your old men together. At present you are the only enemy against whom we have to march."

I shouted that as I stepped off a 737 jet at George Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston, much to the consternation of the airport security, who I now know will run your stuff through the metal detector thing after you get off of a plane if you are acting strangely enough. It is also not what they want to have shouted off of a balcony at the Hotel Derek in downtown Houston, although they just send a bellhop up to talk to you if you do it there. They don't understand that there may be Georgians around, and that I wanted them to be intimidated.

We're here to analyze the game and offer our advice on how you might want to deal with it if you are maybe talking to a bookmaker. If we were here for the World Ice Dancing Championships, it might not be necessary to assume a military mindset to properly do our jobs. We would instead speak of things like Grace, Precision, Talent... things that would only get in the way of our NFL work.

Tom Brady, who has a Brazilian supermodel wife, a billion dollars and a football team to quarterback, probably doesn't devote a lot of his time to studying military history. However, his mission is very much like the mission assigned to General William Tecumseh Sherman in the Civil War. Sherman and Brady had the same basic goal, making Georgia suffer.

Sherman's job was, in a nutshell, to bisect the Confederacy and eliminate their ability to wage war. He did so by embracing the concept of Total War, fought not just against the military, but the civilians who supported them. He did so by cutting a 50 mile wide swath of devastation through the heart of Georgia, from Atlanta to Savannah.

He did one hundred million in damages, about a billion and a half in today's dollars. His soldiers burned barns, torched warehouses, slaughtered livestock, fired up cotton, downed telegraph lines, destroyed 300 miles of railroads, confiscated ten million pounds of corn and "generally set about to smashing things." A fraction of the seized goods went to practical use feeding his army, the rest was "simple waste and destruction."

Sherman's efforts doomed Georgia to poverty for a generation, and left Atlanta as a smoking ruin. He felt badly, but it was what he had to do. "My aim, then, was to whip the rebels, to humble their pride, to follow them to their inmost recesses, and make them fear and dread us. Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. " When he needed to be brief, he just said, "I will make Georgia howl!"

The Patriots, although operating in Texas, have the same basic mission. They have been undergoing a Trial of Ordeal since NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell inflicted the unjust penalty of Deflategate upon them. When the shadowy NFL commish has to hand the trophy to Bob Kraft, he will know in his crooked soul that his very God has judged against him.

I know this like I know that the sun will set this evening. So, working from that end, we can reverse-engineer how we come to that result.

Atlanta has a potent offense. Matt Ryan has Julio Jones to throw to, and he has two terrific running backs to work the ball to. It is an offense that made Matty Ice the MVP candidate, and it whipped up on Green Bay and Seattle like they were talking about their mom. The defense, once a joke, was fearsome in the NFC title game. They are probably a really good draft away from being a title contender for a generation.

Still, it's really 4 guys against a dynasty. The Pats neutralized LeVeon Bell last weekend, and he's better than Devonta Freeman and Tevin Coleman combined. We can blanket Julio, and see if "Tom Brady says 'Thanks, sucker' as he takes the NFL trophy from Goodell" is a more likely outcome than "Super Bowl MVP Mohammed Sanu."

If there's anyone who can neutralize Ryan/Jones/Freeman/Coleman, it's Bill Belichick. If there's anyone who already has a copy of Atlanta's playbook, it's Belichick. If there's anyone who could make it snow inside a Texas domed stadium, it's Belichick.

I'd feel a lot better if Gronk was playing, but that's just how the cookie crumbles, friends. Atlanta will score enough to make it interesting, but they "might as well appeal against the thunder-storm." New England is both establishing their destiny and proving their innocence. Atlanta is just the next clown out of the car in a circus that they are merely bit players in.

New England doesn't have a Super Bowl win of greater than 3 points, but that changes this year.

New England 34-24

Roger Goodell Banned From Cape Cod!

Roger Goodell has been on the hot seat lately. Whether it's players punching out women on camera, where-do-I-live-again concussion issues or coaches issuing bounties on players, the NFL commissioner has a lot on his plate.

Recently, Goodell brought about controversy via his decision to punish both the New England Patriots and Tom Brady over some spurious accusations regarding underinflated footballs.

The Patriots had a first round pick- most likely an All Pro caliber player- taken away from them. Tom Brady, in the home stretch of what might be the greatest career of anyone who ever picked up a football, was suspended for a quarter season.

Running the king of sports leagues is no easy job, and there will always be some bumps on the road. As we said, Mr. Goodell has a lot on his plate. Great power entails great responsibility, and uneasy is the head that wears the crown... or however that goes. Cape Cod is sympathetic.

That's why, effective at 9 AM on May 1st, Roger Goodell is banished from Cape Cod.

"It's a complicated legal issue," said Randy Hunt, the state representative from Sandwich. "This is unprecedented. Remember, even Benedict Arnold wasn't banned from America. We had to go back to the Holy Roman Empire, and the concept of an Imperial Ban."

Imperial Banishment involves:

- The banished person (known as the Geächtete, colloquially also as Vogelfreierei, "free as a bird,") loses all of his political rights

- The Geächtete suffers forfeiture of all assets and possessions

- The Geächtete is considered to be legally dead.

- The Geächtete can assume that he will be offered no protection by the law enforcement agencies, and (according to the Wikipedia) "anyone is allowed to rob, injure or kill him without legal consequences." Hunt is working to soften our stance on that one through a series of amendment riders.

Barnstable County Special Sheriff Jeff Perry has been put in charge of the Goodell banishment.

"My plan is to beat the fear of God into him," said Perry. "My deputies have been instructed to, on sight, gaffle Mr. Goodell, physically drag him to the Barnstable County House Of Corrections, lock him in solitary confinement and beat him on the kidneys with tonfas every hour on the hour."

Perry and Hunt, both Republicans, were quick to point out that the ban enjoys bipartisan support across Massachusetts. Conor Kennedy, scion of the famous Kennedy clan from Hyannis Port, stood beside Hunt as he announced the ban. Chatham mayor Em Nonesuch (D) notes that the nautical penalty would be Keelhauling.

Both Brstol County Sheriff Thomas Hodgson and Plymouth County Sheriff Joseph McDonald are also said to be considering the Imperial Ban.

Several local businesses are taking the initiative with the ban, striking before Cape Cod's official announcement. Lambert's Rainbow Fruit, a powerful Massachusetts produce giant with a store in Sandwich, has already barred Goodell from their stores.

"I'd jam a cabbage down his stupid throat," said family representative Jeffrey Lambert. "They'll be calling him Ol' Cole Slaw Head when I finish with him."

from Boston.com

Cape Cod is just a few highway exits away from Foxboro, and we count Bob Kraft among our residents. Bill Belichick has a place on Nantucket, and several of his coaching progeny have places on Cape Cod.

"Remember, Cape Cod is where a guy was pulled out of his car at a county fair and beaten with a baseball bat for the crime of wearing a Yankees hat," said Cranberry County Magazine founder Stephen Bowden. "It's worse with the Patriots. Even the local priest will punch you in the face for wearing a Peyton Manning jersey."

The atmosphere across the bridges is decidedly ugly. Goodell has been burned in effigy all over Cape Cod, and a recent anti-Goodell rally along the Cape Cod Canal culminated with a 15 story Roger Goodell pinata being smashed with a LNG tanker. Instead of candy, the pinata released 200000 bats.

Goodell may not be out of the woods just yet, either. US District Attorney Carmen Ortiz is said to be considering the possibility of prosecuting Goodell for violations of the Patriot Act. "There is some stuff in the small print of the Patriot Act that may beat a path to the gallows," said a spokesperson.

Goodell's spokesperson declined to comment.

Goodell now has a problem that .000000000001% of the world has. Imagine a scenario where Roger Goodell and his rich friends are planning vacations. Imagine how Goodell would have to react when someone suggests the go-to rich person destination of Martha's Vineyard.

"I can't go to Massachusetts. I'll be chased through the streets like the Town Fool."

(uncomfortable pause as Roger looks around the room, gauging his chances)

"Let's go to Indianapolis, instead. I'm like a God there."

Know Thy Enemy: The Kansas City Chiefs

Kansas City is pretty much textbook Middle America. You can sail into town on the Missouri River. The thing they are best known for is barbecue food. Walt Disney, Ginger Rogers, Tiny Archibald, Amelia Earhart and Walter Cronkite lived there. Hostess and Hallmark are both headquartered there. They even have a cool theme song.

Its tough to hate them. I'm going to try, however.

You see, Kansas City is the home of the Chiefs. The gods set things up so that these Chiefs are the first team who your Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots have to stomp on to continue being your Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots. No other rubric by which one can judge Kansas City matters. Therefore, an entire American city must be fed into the Hate Machine.

Where to begin?

- Why isn't Kansas City in Kansas? They managed to get New York City in New York, right? It should be automatic... Kansas City, Kansas.

Kansas City is the difference between a C+ and B- on a middle school Geography test. God ony knows how many kids who might have made a difference in the world were instead kept out of AP classes because their mind did the logical leap from Kansas City to Kansas state?

With all the blood that has spilled in Missouri over the years, shouldn't someone have raised a musket to put Kansas City in the right state? Or at least force a change to Missouri City? Am I wrong on this?

- The football team is like the Von Erich curse of the NFL. It's a death ship.

Joe Delaney, a promising young running back, drowned trying to save kids who got in over their heads. He was brave enough that he tried to save them without knowing how to swim.

Derrick Thomas, one of the best linebackers ever, decided to drive 100 mph through a snowstorm without a seat belt on, and he was dead a month after the accident.

Jovan Belcher shot his girlfriend, drove over to the Chiefs practice, and then shot himself in front of Scott Pioli.

Promising youngster Mack Lee Hill died during knee surgery back in the 1960s.

Stone Johnson didn't even get to the regular season before dying of a spinal cord injury.

Hey, our players kill someone now and then, maybe deflate some balls, sometimes peek at the other team's signals... but KC has a body count.

- The Chiefs have been very impolite to Champagne Tom in the past. Bernard Pollard hit Tom Brady in the knee during the very first game of the season after Tom had sh*t on the NFL for 50 TDs. It happened during what ended up being one of the last good seasons Randy Moss had left, too.

Now, they have several guys who could also do a number on Tommy Cool. Justin Houston, who doesn't play for Houston, has about 40 sacks in the last two years. Tamba Hali is known for crushing QBs. Dontari Poe, who isn't related to Edgar Allen but who does weigh about 350 pounds, is also someone who I would not like to see get a hold of the Brady Bunchden.

New England's offensive line has been oft-ineffective this season, and Saturday's game would be a bad time for them to play down to their lowest level.

- For the reputation they enjoy as a barbecue Mecca, Kansas City's most well-known restaurant chain is friggin' Applebee's. I may be skipping something prominent, but I think that their biggest barbecue-related export is KC's Masterpiece, a C- economy sauce.

Of course, that is somewhat cancelled out by KC having 90 barbecue joints in her metropolitan area, a fact that makes me think that I should stop Chief-hatin' and start clean-platin'... but f*cking Applebee's, man? Someone should get a smack for that.

- Their best player is injured... but before he got injured, I had him on my fantasy team. You' the ace of spades, Jamaal Charles, the g*ddamned ace of spades!

- They got the wrong historical Thomas Hart Benton guy.

Senator Thomas Hart Benton was one of a kind. He shot Andrew Jackson, but later counted him as a friend. He also gave us one of the better quotes about ass-kicking, delivered with his proclivity for saying "Sir" every 5 words or so.

"I do not quarrel, Sir, but I fight, Sir, and when I fight, Sir, a funeral follows, Sir."

THAT version of Thomas Hart Benton settled in St. Louis. Kansas City instead got Thomas Hart Benton, painter. I doubt that he threatened anyone with a funeral.

- The Chiefs were founded because the NFL didn't want to water down their product just as they were beginning to compete on even terms with Major League Baseball. This led to the AFL, where the New England (then Boston) Patriots also came from.

The Chiefs were originally the AFL's Dallas Texans, but when the NFL brought the Cowboys to Dallas, the Texans had trouble keeping up with them. Kansas City was able to steal them away. They very nearly ended up in Atlanta or Miami.

- The "Chiefs" name has nothing to do with Native Americans. The team was named for the Mayor (Harold Roe Bartle) who helped get the team there. Bartle was a great organizer, and everyone called him "the Chief."

- No, I don't know why they have an Arrowhead mascot as opposed to a pudgy, nerdy but well-organized white politician mascot.

- The team name was taken from fan suggestions. It is unfair to say "contest," because the two names to get the most votes were "Mules" and "Royals." They later hung the Royals name on their baseball team.

-Owner Lamar Hunt, son of H.L.Hunt, sketched the design for the team's logo (an arrowhead with "KC" in the middle) onto a napkin.

- The coolest name in Missouri belongs to the "St. Louis Blues." The worst is hung on the "St. Louis Rams," who may be are leaving town anyhow. Blues is a straight A, Rams is a generous F, while both the Royals and the Chiefs are in the C range.

- The Chiefs have a terrible playoff history, which is ironic because they were the first powerhouse AFL team. Joe Namath's Jets just beat them to the title of First AFL team to win a Super Bowl. Their curb-stomping of the Minnesota Vikings in Super Bowl IV was bad enough that the NFL accepted a merger, just ahead of talk that the NFL was no match for the AFL any more.

Their win over the Houston Texans last week was their first playoff win since 1993, when they beat now-retired Warren Moon's now-defunct Houston Oilers. They went most of the 1970s wthout making the playoffs, had a brief resurgence in the 1980s under the dirty rotten rhymer Marty Schottenheimer, got the tail end of Joe Montana and Marcus Allen's careers, had the best Nigerian player ever, and never won Ditka.

- The Chiefs started this season 1-5, and then won 10 straight games to sneak into the playoffs. They destroyed Houston, and now they are the next clown out of the car for New England.

- Know that the Chiefs labor under the Curse Of Hank Stram.

Stram, their first coach, won a Super Bowl, but then the team stagnated. He was fired shortly after the Chiefs lost to Tampa Bay, who had dropped 26 straight games. He resented his firing, and subsequently cursed the team by saying they'd never make it to the Super Bowl until he wore Chiefs red again. Stram died without ever donning Red.

They haven't come close since.

Hopefully, this Saturday, we'll keep it that way.

Why Not Have An October Date For The Pan Mass Challenge?

Bourne, any given summer day....

I'm about to write an article that I'm sure will be unpopular. It will strike a chord with just a few locals, and many other locals will be against it. Even I feel badly for writing it, but we have to call 'em like we see 'em here in Cranberry County.

The Pan Mass Challenge has to be moved, either physically or chronologically.

The Pan Mass Challenge is bicycle ride that goes across a lot of Massachusetts. Much like the walkathons you did as a kid, bikers (I know "bikers" makes them sound like Hell's Angels, sorry) get sponsors for their trek. The money that they donate goes to The Jimmy Fund, which in turn kicks it towards the Dana-Farber Institute for cancer research. They have made over $400 milly since they started it 35 years or so ago.

The PMC allows people to strike back at a disease that has touched the lives of everyone. In doing so, it encourages a great, energy-saving form of exercise.

What's not to like?

Oh, yeah...

There are several drawbacks to the PMC, some of which involve cars (some with sirens) and others which involve that great hydrogen bomb in the sky, our sun.

We would have to start with the elephant in the room, the traffic. Bourne is where the bridges are, as well as the rotaries, and it is where the worst traffic on Cape Cod is found. Bourne, which is a Division 4 school-sized town, has traffic comparable to central Boston on any weekend day.

It's bad enough that people in Bourne post a traffic waning every weekend morning on Facebook to the effect of "Don't leave your village." If you do, you enter a strange time warp where "a quarter mile drive to the gas station" may become a two hour-long trip where even teetotalers find it necessary to just pull over into the nearest tavern for 8 or 9 drinks.

If you went resident-to-resident and asked them what is the last thing that Bourne needs on an August weekend, the dominant answer would be "more traffic."

The PMC is a huge event, perhaps the largest of her kind in America. It all falls on Bourne, during what should be a peak of the tourist season. It takes roads that were already overtaxed and makes them essentially impassable. And it brings a different, less-spendy type of visitor than we are used to.

Instead of tourists with SUVs full of families who will need to be fed, entertained, gassed, housed and other things that leave money in the town, we get people on bikes who might carbo-load twice a day. They will then- exhausted- check into hotels that would have been booked full anyhow, and sleep away the hours we need them to be power-drinking in our taverns.

Other than families and supporters of the bikers, there is a negligible audience factor. No one is going to cheer on a wheeled walkathon, even one with Tom Brady in it. That's not to say that the PMC people shouldn't be cheered for- even the author of this slam piece feels that they are admirable. It's just that they won't draw a crowd, a crowd that would patronize our businesses. The PMC actually will drive those kind of visitors away.

That's why they used to have the Scallop Festival in September or October, kids... otherwise, it snarls traffic in the town to a crawl.

On top of all the lost commerce the bikers inflict upon us, they also overtax our emergency apparatus. We'll have to put extra cops on to deal with the bikers. Those cops will be waving traffic along, and citizens may have a bit of a wait if we need one for regular cop-like reasons... and that ETA is before we factor them having to weave their way through our gridlock traffic.

Our EMT service will be busier than a paramedic in a town full of weekend warriors heat-stroking themselves on an 85 degree scorcher of a summer day... oh wait, I'm being redundant.

That's why they have the Boston Marathon in April, kids... endurance events start to kill people in the summer months. The only time reasonable people host these events are spring and autumn.

Again, citizens who pay taxes all year for things like "availability of EMT service" may be in for a bit of a surprise to learn that their needs may not be met because all of our EMTs are giving IVs to people who really should have waited for October to take on an endurance event.

Again, like with the cops, any estimates we give on how long it will take an ambulance or- God forbid- a fire truck to get to a Bourne citizen's emergency here are given BEFORE we factor in them crawling through the bumpa-to-bumpa to get to you.

Of course, it's all for a good cause. The PMC makes $40 million a year for cancer research, raising awareness and letting people have fun while helping a good cause. Of course, these benefits can only be gained by having this particular race at this particular time in this particular town. Otherwise, they wouldn't make a red nickel. Anyone who says otherwise is pro-cancer and anti-charity.

Really?

I doubt that the people who presently ride scores of miles and donate millions of dollars would be put off from their efforts if the event were switched to October. There may be a guy somewhere who will only donate to cancer research if people ride bikes in Bourne on an August weekend, but he's probably an ass clown.

There may also be a guy somewhere who was totally unaware of cancer before someone diddled by him on a bicycle. No, check that, no such person exists. The awareness-raising is a myth.

We do have open dorms at the Massachusetts Maritime Academy, just like they do in far greater numbers at Bridgewater State University and UMass-Dartmouth. I probably don't need to add that any college listed there that isn't a Maritime Academy doesn't lay across one of two ways on and off of Cape Cod during a summer weekend. I'm sure that UMass-Amherst, with all of the disposable-income kids away for the summer, could use the influx of visitors that they- unlike Cape Cod- would be incapable of luring in summer months.

I'm no urban engineer or highway scholar, but I do wonder if- on a person per person basis- less people would be put off by making a detour on the Mass Pike and isolating a 20 mile stretch of Irrelevantville for the bikers to pedal back and forth along in perfect safety than by shutting down the two roads that fill and empty Cape Cod.

Cape Cod is the wrong place for this event, at least in August.

Why not move it to October?

Like we said before, they have the Boston Marathon in April because it is too hot for endurance events in the summer. That also applies to the PMC, even before we remind you that the roads on Cape Cod tend to get jammed in the summer.

Just remember that I spoke of the safety of the bikers when I start making jokes about running over 5 of them as I look down to light a smoke. The safety issues for the bikers concern both heat exhaustion (85 degrees and blistering sun forecast for both days of the race, BTW) and exposure to Cape traffic. The PMC is big news in Massachusetts, but I doubt that it even makes the newspapers in Connecticut and New York, where half of our drivers will be coming from this weekend. They will drive very much like people unaware that some fool decided to have a wheeled walkathon along both of Cape Cod's main roads during one of the 10 top traffic days of the year.

Don't give me that "people take their vacations in the summer, and can only do the PMC then" nonsense. It's a weekend event, even Bob Cratchit would be able to get time off for it, especially if he is advertising for Scrooge's company as he does the event. If Ebeneezer demurs on that, Bob can burn a sick day.

In October, those roads won't have anyone but locals on them. There will be numerous hotel rooms available, so the cops won't have to chase stragglers off the Canal benches all night. Temperatures will be in the 60s, delightful weather to go pedal something around. The 200 or so people who can fit into MMA's dorms would be displaced, but they would have hotels offering cut rates to lure them in to what would then-and-not-in-August be unrented rooms. There's really no good reason to have the PMC in August instead of October.

Don't think that saying "They should have this event in October" makes a person pro-cancer. The guy behind the keyboard lost both of his parents to cancer. He also probably has his own dance with the Die Slow coming with a few thousand more Newports. He knows the stakes, perhaps better than you do.

The author is also not a man who dislikes charity. If you really, really hate this article, hang onto the anger until Christmas season, and you can walk right up to him outside the Christmas Tree Shoppe and pop him in the jaw as he stands outside for 10 hours a day raising money for a church charity. He hates charity so much, he had his lips freeze together once working for one.

The author does not confuse "move the event to October" with "the author hates the event." You shouldn't do so, either. He's also not writing this because he dislikes cycling and thinks that adults on bicycles look silly, even though he does feel that way.

That's not a bad resume for an agnostic pro-cancer guy who hates charity.

So, why am I writing this article? If you already know that, move on to the "So, what should we do about it?" question.

The author, doing some tireless charity work with his three nieces...

Bourne and Gettysburg have one thing in common. Both are little Nowheres that all the roads from Somewhere meet at. That leads some Big Fish into the Little Ponds that are normally towns like Gettysburg and Bourne, and it's never good for the town.

To an extent, the towns are set up to handle the influx. Bourne has hotels, gas stations and other amenities that a small town away from an ocean wouldn't have. Of course, "we bring tenants to hotels that already had tenants" is a poor argument for cementing this mess in August.

However, an October PMC would be a boon to the town. You'd have businesses who are just starting to feel the loss of summer dollars get a weekend rush in October. You could have the town really get behind the effort, angling their businesses to provide things to do for the bikers when they are unhorsed. You'd have cops and EMTs who aren't already overworked policing the town available to provide security for the event. Restaurants of the seasonal bent would be able to empty their inventories, hotels would offer cheaper rates, and every tourist trap would get one more chance to snap shut on those ol' summer dollars before the chill of winter set in.

It would benefit the PMC, as well. They'd be the only game in town, with neither Cape League games nor day-tripper traffic too weave through. People who avoid participating in the event because they don't wish to enter the Trafficpocalypse that is Bourne on a summer weekend may come out for the cause. Their riders wouldn't be struck down by high-80s temperatures or angry and confused New York vacationers. They might make MORE money than they already have.

There is no coherent reason that this event should be held now instead of in October. It presently is a drag on the town, an error that is multiplied by the fact that it would be a boon in October. Don't hate the guy who tells you that the emperor is nude.