Football is known for military analogies. Football teams blitz, throw bombs, sack, flank, feint, perform end runs... you know, all that Soldiering stuff. Even the game itself is basically military in nature, in that you forcibly take territory from an adversary.
Some people look down on that, but not Cranberry County Motherlovin' Magazine. We think that football should be what it is. It's a brutal game, played by brutal men to entertain brutal fans.
This flaw in our collective personality only gets worse when the New England Patriots get into the Super Bowl against the Atlanta Falcons, like they are this weekend.
We meant to write several small articles to give you insight into the game, maybe a little Steve on Monday, some Stacey on Wednesday and Abdullah as the weekend anchorman. Instead, there was a lot of military history being read on Cape Cod's borderlands this week, and it is with the mind of a Conqueror that Cranberry County Magazine took the Sports Desk to Houston this weekend.
Prior to invading Galilee, the Mongol khan Hulagu gave Egypt the chance to avoid hostilities. He sent envoys with a reasonable peace offering to the Mamluk Sultan in Cairo, and these poor men- who were decapitated moments later- stood before Qutuz to proclaim:
"From the King of Kings of the East and West, the Great Khan. To Qutuz the Mamluk, who fled to escape our swords. You should think of what happened to other countries and submit to us. You have heard how we have conquered a vast empire and have purified the earth of the disorders that tainted it. We have conquered vast areas, massacring all the people. You cannot escape from the terror of our armies. Where can you flee? What road will you use to escape us? Our horses are swift, our arrows sharp, our swords like thunderbolts, our hearts as hard as the mountains, our soldiers as numerous as the sand. Fortresses will not detain us, nor armies stop us. Your prayers to God will not avail against us. We are not moved by tears nor touched by lamentations. Only those who beg our protection will be safe. Hasten your reply before the fire of war is kindled. Resist and you will suffer the most terrible catastrophes. We will shatter your mosques and reveal the weakness of your God and then will kill your children and your old men together. At present you are the only enemy against whom we have to march."
I shouted that as I stepped off a 737 jet at George Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston, much to the consternation of the airport security, who I now know will run your stuff through the metal detector thing after you get off of a plane if you are acting strangely enough. It is also not what they want to have shouted off of a balcony at the Hotel Derek in downtown Houston, although they just send a bellhop up to talk to you if you do it there. They don't understand that there may be Georgians around, and that I wanted them to be intimidated.
We're here to analyze the game and offer our advice on how you might want to deal with it if you are maybe talking to a bookmaker. If we were here for the World Ice Dancing Championships, it might not be necessary to assume a military mindset to properly do our jobs. We would instead speak of things like Grace, Precision, Talent... things that would only get in the way of our NFL work.
Tom Brady, who has a Brazilian supermodel wife, a billion dollars and a football team to quarterback, probably doesn't devote a lot of his time to studying military history. However, his mission is very much like the mission assigned to General William Tecumseh Sherman in the Civil War. Sherman and Brady had the same basic goal, making Georgia suffer.
Sherman's job was, in a nutshell, to bisect the Confederacy and eliminate their ability to wage war. He did so by embracing the concept of Total War, fought not just against the military, but the civilians who supported them. He did so by cutting a 50 mile wide swath of devastation through the heart of Georgia, from Atlanta to Savannah.
He did one hundred million in damages, about a billion and a half in today's dollars. His soldiers burned barns, torched warehouses, slaughtered livestock, fired up cotton, downed telegraph lines, destroyed 300 miles of railroads, confiscated ten million pounds of corn and "generally set about to smashing things." A fraction of the seized goods went to practical use feeding his army, the rest was "simple waste and destruction."
Sherman's efforts doomed Georgia to poverty for a generation, and left Atlanta as a smoking ruin. He felt badly, but it was what he had to do. "My aim, then, was to whip the rebels, to humble their pride, to follow them to their inmost recesses, and make them fear and dread us. Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. " When he needed to be brief, he just said, "I will make Georgia howl!"
The Patriots, although operating in Texas, have the same basic mission. They have been undergoing a Trial of Ordeal since NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell inflicted the unjust penalty of Deflategate upon them. When the shadowy NFL commish has to hand the trophy to Bob Kraft, he will know in his crooked soul that his very God has judged against him.
I know this like I know that the sun will set this evening. So, working from that end, we can reverse-engineer how we come to that result.
Atlanta has a potent offense. Matt Ryan has Julio Jones to throw to, and he has two terrific running backs to work the ball to. It is an offense that made Matty Ice the MVP candidate, and it whipped up on Green Bay and Seattle like they were talking about their mom. The defense, once a joke, was fearsome in the NFC title game. They are probably a really good draft away from being a title contender for a generation.
Still, it's really 4 guys against a dynasty. The Pats neutralized LeVeon Bell last weekend, and he's better than Devonta Freeman and Tevin Coleman combined. We can blanket Julio, and see if "Tom Brady says 'Thanks, sucker' as he takes the NFL trophy from Goodell" is a more likely outcome than "Super Bowl MVP Mohammed Sanu."
If there's anyone who can neutralize Ryan/Jones/Freeman/Coleman, it's Bill Belichick. If there's anyone who already has a copy of Atlanta's playbook, it's Belichick. If there's anyone who could make it snow inside a Texas domed stadium, it's Belichick.
I'd feel a lot better if Gronk was playing, but that's just how the cookie crumbles, friends. Atlanta will score enough to make it interesting, but they "might as well appeal against the thunder-storm." New England is both establishing their destiny and proving their innocence. Atlanta is just the next clown out of the car in a circus that they are merely bit players in.
New England doesn't have a Super Bowl win of greater than 3 points, but that changes this year.
New England 34-24
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