Super Bowl Ratings, Betting Lines, Silly Bets

The Super Bowl is today, and it hits with the force of a national holiday. 111 million watched the game last year, making it the third most-viewed Super Bowl of all time... which also makes it the third most-viewed TV show ever put on the tube.

The highest non-Super Bowl TV show ever was 105 million watching the final episode of M.A.S.H., and M.A.S.H. was only able to hold the title until Super Bowl 44. Of the 20 most viewed programs in US History, 19 are Super Bowls and one is the M.A.S.H. finale. You need 88 million viewers to even sniff that list. Trump and Hillary's first debate scored 84 million. Seinfeld's last episode scored 76 million. The last Johnny Carson version of The Tonight Show did 50 million.

If you need an idea about how twisted TV ratings get... the fact that population grows yearly doesn't dilute the shock of realizing that the last episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show was beaten by the last episode of ALF. Ranked #20 overall on the list of TV show codas, ALF also outscored the final episodes of Breaking Bad (ALF doubled them), Bonanza, Murphy Brown, Letterman, Sex In The City, Will And Grace, Twin Peaks and Melrose Place.

YouTube is changing everything. Like I said, Donald Trump's inauguration drew 30 million TV viewers. I'm In Love With The Coco, on YouTube, drew 190 million.

If you need a lead on how powerful the Super Bowl is... the Super Bowl postgame show did 76 million viewers. That's what the final Seinfeld garnered, as well as the Ed Sullivan show with the Beatles. It's is about twice as many viewers as the Academy Awards got, a bit less than twice of what Obama's inauguration drew, more than twice as many viewers as Trump's inauguration had, and about triple of what the Charles/Diana wedding drew in the US.

The only thing that can beat a Super Bowl is a British royal wedding, and you have to go Worldwide viewership to get that 750 million number. Only 30-40 million foreigners watch the Super Bowl, which may just explain why the US wins all of those World Wars.

Not a lot of people bet on the Royal Wedding, but that's not a problem for the fan of American F***ing Football. You can bet on every single aspect of the game, and we shall explore some of those aspects in today's column.

The basic betting lines, and the ones where most of the money will be wagered, is like thusly:

2/5 6:30 ET New England -3 Atlanta 58.5

This means that New England is favored to win, by 3 points, a game that is going to get 58 or 59 points.

We did a whole article about how we thought that this betting line was going to work itself out, although we spent most of the article talking about Mongols, General Sherman and physically destroying the city of Atlanta.

However, there are hundreds of bets you can make on the game. Here's a few of them, with little asides where we give you advice on how we'd handle it:


Odds to win Super Bowl MVP

Tom Brady: 3/2
Matt Ryan: 7/4
Julio Jones: 11/2
Field: 10/1

Anything could happen here. Legarrette Blount might punch in 4 touchdowns. Vic Beasley might sever Tom Brady's spine. Mohammed Sanu might catch a TD and throw for one. The field goal kickers may do all the scoring. Devin McCourty may get a pair of pick-sixes. If you feel that something like that will happen, choose "Field."

If you think that Hotlanta will win, and that they will win because Matt Ryan throws 4TDs to Julio Jones (his momma named him that), you have to make up your mind.

On the other hand, if the Pats win, you're pretty much handing the trophy to Champagne Tom.


O/U total points at halftime: 29.5...  O/U total points after three quarters: 43.5

The Patriots start slow in Super Bowls. The Falcons scored on their first possession like 8 times in a row or so.

Keep in mind, if one team goes up big, they'll run the ball in an attempt to eat the clock. That is mostly a 4th quarter matter, but it all factors in if you're banking on the 59 point Over for the game. You could also have a close game where the teams trade repeated strikes in the 4th quarter.

I tend to view games as Wholes, and usually avoid this kind of bet.


Odds a kicker misses an extra point: 7/3

It's been happening a lot this year. That said, we have two pretty clutch kickers working this game, which is being played in a domed stadium. That's kicker Nirvana,


Odds there is a completed Hail Mary: 66/1

When you may have a mortgage payment riding on whether someone throws a Hail Mary and hits it,  try to bet on the team who has Danny AMENdola.

If you have to use ALL CAPS to force through the Amen part of the joke, the joke probably wasn't funny... but the What's Funny book was written during the Bob Hope era, well before the Internet.


Odds to rush for the most yards

LeGarrette Blount: 9/4
Devonta Freeman: 5/2
Tevin Coleman: 3/1
Dion Lewis: 6/1
FIELD: 28/1

Old School wagerers think "Kenny King," a relatively obscure back who cranked out an 80 yard TD catch to screw up a 1980 receiving version of this bet.

You want to go Blount here. Freeman, Lewis and Coleman are more likely to catch the ball than be handed it in most scenarios.


Odds to score the first TD

Julio Jones: 9/2
Devonta Freeman: 5/1
LeGarrette Blount: 6/1
Mohamed Sanu: 7/1
Martellus Bennett: 9/1
Chris Hogan: 11/1
Julian Edelman: 11/1
Tevin Coleman: 14/1
Dion Lewis: 16/1
FIELD: 12/1

I'd be taking Blount all day with this, except that 1) Atlanta scores on their first possession a lot, and B) Julio Jones is a freak of nature, and 3) FIELD is a group that includes the other 98 players involved in the game.


Over/Under height of the tallest player to score a TD: 6’3″

Jones is listed at 6'3". Blount is under. Brady is over. Bennett is over. Lewis, Freeman and Coleman are under. Ryan is 6'4".  Both Atlanta tight ends and Bennett are over 6'4". Every defensive back is under 6'3", in case you're counting on a pick-6.

Over/Under weight of the heaviest player to score a TD: 249.5 lbs

Blount is over 250 pounds. If you're banking on keeping him out of the end zone, you may as well spend all of your money betting Atlanta and the Under.


Odds the opening coin toss comes up…

Heads: 1/1
Tails: 1/1

I could say "flip a coin" here, but that would be redundant.


Odds on what color Gatorade will be poured on the winning coach:

Orange: 7/2
Blue: 15/4
Clear/Water: 4/1
Purple: 6/1
Yellow: 13/2
None: 10/1

"Yellow" is the popular bet in this Mr. Trump-goes-to-Moscow era.

I do know that I worked in a factory for many years, the company kept Gatorade up all the time for us, and we always wanted the Green. Green isn't on this list, which is funny because we'd always bitch and moan if we got Red, which also isn't on the list.


Odds on what color hoodie Bill Belichick wears

Blue: 4/11
Grey: 3/1
Red: 40/1
Field: 50/1

I will say that, if he shows up in a suit, it will be his last game. If he's ever going to dress up for a game, it will be that one.

Otherwise, I'm only comfortable when he wears the grey one.


Odds a fan throws a _____ on the field:

flare 15/1
slightly deflated football: 19/1
dildo: 45/1
dead falcon: 300/1

The flare may come from Bobcat Goldthwait's "He threw a lit flare into my car" bit from When Your Team Wins The Super Bowl. The football joke would only make Champagne Tom angry. The dil gets chucked on the field now and then, and is probably the safest bet on the list. I do not know whether it counts if the team has a pet Falcon who dies of fright when the New England Football Mil-ish-ee- uh gets to bangin' away with those muskets.

I can think of very few winged creatures who got involved with high profile sports games and didn't regret it immediately. The Randy Johnson/dove story is worse than the Dave Winfield/seagull story, and trails only Michael Vick hanging dogs and Kerry Von Erich giving a cat the Iron Claw. I'd bet against the dead falcon.


O/U on the number of times Gisele is shown on screen: 1.5

Giselle is never going to hurt any broadcast with a visual medium. Take the over.


O/U references to Deflategate/Spygate: 4.5

Again, the big theme of the game is Brady being judged innocent by God in a Trial of Ordeal relating to the Deflategate fiasco. Take the over. Remember, someone in the mob thinks that it's a fairly good bet that people will be throwing deflated footballs onto the field.


Odds Dan Quinn wears a hair piece during the game: 50/1

I read an article about Clive Rush, who coached the Pats during a bad season. He was later institutionalized.

One day, he was going up against Paul Brown, one of the all-time great coaches. He's who the Cleveland Browns are named after, and you'd have to check with Jim Brown's momma to make sure that Jim Brown isn't named after him as well.

"Paul Brown is a genius," Rush told his players. "Anything logical that I might try today, he has already anticipated it and developed a counter for it. Therefore, we shall do illogical things."

His big move was having guys run into the huddle, stay for 3 seconds, then run off the field at the last second. "He'll notice it, no doubt," said Rush. "I'm counting on that. He'll wonder why I'm doing it, and waste time he should waste thinking about me trying to solve that riddle instead.""

The Brown team (I think it was Cincy at that point) won by 35 points, as I recall.

That sort of logic, designed to confuse Bill Belichick, is the only way I see Quinn wearing a rug. Bald is beautiful, IMHO. Let it shine.


 O/U on the length of the broadcast: 215.5 minutes

Any number of things can drive this total up or down. I'd avoid this one like a leper whore, but I put the numbers up there for you to bet on.


O/U on the number of times FOX show stars are shown in the crowd during the broadcast: 1.5

If this were the 1997 Super Bowl, you could watch Ally McBeal binge-n-purge on some hot dogs.

I don't watch much normal TV, so- sadly- that is the most recent reference I can think up on this topic.


Over/Under number of sideline reports from Erin Andrews during the game broadcast (between the opening kickoff and the final play): 5.5

The only way you can see more of her is if you aim a camera into her hotel room, wokka wokka wokka...


Odds there is a halftime show wardrobe malfunction: 2/1

When Janet Jackson was disrobed by the NSYNCH kid during the halftime show, I was actually reaching down to dip a Tostito into some salsa. This was at a point in my life that I wasn't seeing many breasts. Sometimes, the world is a cruel and unjust place.

If we get a Lady Gaga warbrobe malfunction, does it count if she does it on purpose? I keep seeing her doing a "Grab THIS pussy, Donald!" type of protest. It's not always a bad thing to be on the Ugly list in some places, especially if 110 million people see you work your way onto it.


O/U on the number of guest performers during the halftime show: 0.5

Someone, be it Mick Jagger or Rihanna or Bey Bey or even Jimmy Page, is joining her for a song. You only need one with this bet.

I am curious if, should she bring out a midget, what a half a person counts as.


Odds on Lady Gaga’s opening halftime show song

The Edge Of Glory: 3/1
Perfect Illusion: 7/2
Born This Way: 4/1
Other: 2/1

The only Gaga song I know is the one that goes "La la la-la la," which I also am being told by Stacey's kids is every one of her songs.

Little Known Cranberry County Magazine fact... this column was originally a town reporter column on Cape Cod TODAY, we covered the town of Bourne, and we called it Bourne This Way. I had no idea it was a Gaga song for several of the years we were writing that column (I wanted the more Kubrickian "Bourne To Kill"), until Jessica finally explained it to me. The IP address on our Facebook page still says "Bourne This Way."


Odds Lady Gaga gets booed during the halftime show: 9/1

A very, very liberal performer who might 1) have a lip synch failure a la Ashley Simpson or Mariah Carey, or who might 2) make some sort of anti-Trump statement in a stadium full of can-afford-$2500-a-ticket Texas football fans... it's a lot like what they say about passing the football- three things can happen, and two of them are bad.


Odds on which company will air the first commercial (after the coin toss):

Bud Light: 25/1
Lexus: 30/1
Intel: 30/1
Skittles: 30/1
Wix: 30/1
TurboTax: 33/1
Avocados from Mexico: 35/1
Mr. Clean: 35/1
Hyundai: 500/1

I don't know what a Wix is, so I'd probably bet on the Bud Light.

Running an ad during the Super Bowl will cost you $5 million for 30 seconds.

"See it on the TV/any given Sunday/Win the Super Bowl, drive home in a Hyundai..."


O/U commercials parodying Donald Trump: 1.5

Does a White House press conference count? Those oily bastards might repeal Obamacare during the middle of the second quarter.


Odds on who is more likely to host Saturday Night Live following the Super Bowl:

Tom Brady: 1/19
Julio Jones: 25/1
Matt Ryan: 50/1
Bill Belichick: 5,000/1

The odds on Belichick (who would be superb at it, the perfect straight man for a Sandler/Farley/Belushi type of character) may be conservative.

"None of them" is the best option.


Odds Luke Bryan wears cowboy boots and blue jeans: 4/1

Your author, who won $50 once when Christina Aguilera wore pantyhose during a different National Anthem, should know the answer to this, but I don't know who Luke is and don't know how he dresses.

I assume that he's a country guy, and they don't wear anything but jeans and cowboy hats. What else is he going to wear? A full pimp outift? Camo? Hezbollah?


Odds of Lady Gaga making an anti-Trump political statement during her performance (visual or vocal): 10/13

This is a juicy one. Gaga is a fluff performer, known as much for her legs as her lungs. She did a perfectly nice National Anthem in the last Super Bowl without editing anything into the Francis Scott Key classic.

She could instantly change her image into something far more serious by taking a shot at Cheeto Jesus.

When betting money on this, please make sure that the line is clearly defined on"making an anti-Trump political statement" and "getting that anti-Trump political statement past the censors," especially if her protest involves soft furry things that Trump likes to grab.

It may add to your enjoyment of the National Anthem to know that it is a rewritten English drinking song, akin to Roll Out The Barrel. The guy who wrote it, Francis Scott Key, later had a son who was killed by a jealous husband. The killer, Union General Daniel Sickles, got acquitted by running the first Insanity defense in US legal history.

Sickles later had a leg blown off at Gettysburg, and is said to have refused pain-killing ether because lighting a cigar around ether may cause an explosion... and, uhm, first things first, mate.

- Abdullah

Super Bowl LI Prediction: Marching Through Georgia (In Texas)...

Football is known for military analogies. Football teams blitz, throw bombs, sack, flank, feint, perform end runs... you know, all that Soldiering stuff. Even the game itself is basically military in nature, in that you forcibly take territory from an adversary.

Some people look down on that, but not Cranberry County Motherlovin' Magazine. We think that football should be what it is. It's a brutal game, played by brutal men to entertain brutal fans.

This flaw in our collective personality only gets worse when the New England Patriots get into the Super Bowl against the Atlanta Falcons, like they are this weekend.

We meant to write several small articles to give you insight into the game, maybe a little Steve on Monday, some Stacey on Wednesday and Abdullah as the weekend anchorman. Instead, there was a lot of military history being read on Cape Cod's borderlands this week, and it is with the mind of a Conqueror that Cranberry County Magazine took the Sports Desk to Houston this weekend.

Prior to invading Galilee, the Mongol khan Hulagu gave Egypt the chance to avoid hostilities. He sent envoys with a reasonable peace offering to the Mamluk Sultan in Cairo, and these poor men- who were decapitated moments later- stood before Qutuz to proclaim:

"From the King of Kings of the East and West, the Great Khan. To Qutuz the Mamluk, who fled to escape our swords. You should think of what happened to other countries and submit to us. You have heard how we have conquered a vast empire and have purified the earth of the disorders that tainted it. We have conquered vast areas, massacring all the people. You cannot escape from the terror of our armies. Where can you flee? What road will you use to escape us? Our horses are swift, our arrows sharp, our swords like thunderbolts, our hearts as hard as the mountains, our soldiers as numerous as the sand. Fortresses will not detain us, nor armies stop us. Your prayers to God will not avail against us. We are not moved by tears nor touched by lamentations. Only those who beg our protection will be safe. Hasten your reply before the fire of war is kindled. Resist and you will suffer the most terrible catastrophes. We will shatter your mosques and reveal the weakness of your God and then will kill your children and your old men together. At present you are the only enemy against whom we have to march."

I shouted that as I stepped off a 737 jet at George Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston, much to the consternation of the airport security, who I now know will run your stuff through the metal detector thing after you get off of a plane if you are acting strangely enough. It is also not what they want to have shouted off of a balcony at the Hotel Derek in downtown Houston, although they just send a bellhop up to talk to you if you do it there. They don't understand that there may be Georgians around, and that I wanted them to be intimidated.

We're here to analyze the game and offer our advice on how you might want to deal with it if you are maybe talking to a bookmaker. If we were here for the World Ice Dancing Championships, it might not be necessary to assume a military mindset to properly do our jobs. We would instead speak of things like Grace, Precision, Talent... things that would only get in the way of our NFL work.

Tom Brady, who has a Brazilian supermodel wife, a billion dollars and a football team to quarterback, probably doesn't devote a lot of his time to studying military history. However, his mission is very much like the mission assigned to General William Tecumseh Sherman in the Civil War. Sherman and Brady had the same basic goal, making Georgia suffer.

Sherman's job was, in a nutshell, to bisect the Confederacy and eliminate their ability to wage war. He did so by embracing the concept of Total War, fought not just against the military, but the civilians who supported them. He did so by cutting a 50 mile wide swath of devastation through the heart of Georgia, from Atlanta to Savannah.

He did one hundred million in damages, about a billion and a half in today's dollars. His soldiers burned barns, torched warehouses, slaughtered livestock, fired up cotton, downed telegraph lines, destroyed 300 miles of railroads, confiscated ten million pounds of corn and "generally set about to smashing things." A fraction of the seized goods went to practical use feeding his army, the rest was "simple waste and destruction."

Sherman's efforts doomed Georgia to poverty for a generation, and left Atlanta as a smoking ruin. He felt badly, but it was what he had to do. "My aim, then, was to whip the rebels, to humble their pride, to follow them to their inmost recesses, and make them fear and dread us. Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. " When he needed to be brief, he just said, "I will make Georgia howl!"

The Patriots, although operating in Texas, have the same basic mission. They have been undergoing a Trial of Ordeal since NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell inflicted the unjust penalty of Deflategate upon them. When the shadowy NFL commish has to hand the trophy to Bob Kraft, he will know in his crooked soul that his very God has judged against him.

I know this like I know that the sun will set this evening. So, working from that end, we can reverse-engineer how we come to that result.

Atlanta has a potent offense. Matt Ryan has Julio Jones to throw to, and he has two terrific running backs to work the ball to. It is an offense that made Matty Ice the MVP candidate, and it whipped up on Green Bay and Seattle like they were talking about their mom. The defense, once a joke, was fearsome in the NFC title game. They are probably a really good draft away from being a title contender for a generation.

Still, it's really 4 guys against a dynasty. The Pats neutralized LeVeon Bell last weekend, and he's better than Devonta Freeman and Tevin Coleman combined. We can blanket Julio, and see if "Tom Brady says 'Thanks, sucker' as he takes the NFL trophy from Goodell" is a more likely outcome than "Super Bowl MVP Mohammed Sanu."

If there's anyone who can neutralize Ryan/Jones/Freeman/Coleman, it's Bill Belichick. If there's anyone who already has a copy of Atlanta's playbook, it's Belichick. If there's anyone who could make it snow inside a Texas domed stadium, it's Belichick.

I'd feel a lot better if Gronk was playing, but that's just how the cookie crumbles, friends. Atlanta will score enough to make it interesting, but they "might as well appeal against the thunder-storm." New England is both establishing their destiny and proving their innocence. Atlanta is just the next clown out of the car in a circus that they are merely bit players in.

New England doesn't have a Super Bowl win of greater than 3 points, but that changes this year.

New England 34-24

Roger Goodell Banned From Cape Cod!

Roger Goodell has been on the hot seat lately. Whether it's players punching out women on camera, where-do-I-live-again concussion issues or coaches issuing bounties on players, the NFL commissioner has a lot on his plate.

Recently, Goodell brought about controversy via his decision to punish both the New England Patriots and Tom Brady over some spurious accusations regarding underinflated footballs.

The Patriots had a first round pick- most likely an All Pro caliber player- taken away from them. Tom Brady, in the home stretch of what might be the greatest career of anyone who ever picked up a football, was suspended for a quarter season.

Running the king of sports leagues is no easy job, and there will always be some bumps on the road. As we said, Mr. Goodell has a lot on his plate. Great power entails great responsibility, and uneasy is the head that wears the crown... or however that goes. Cape Cod is sympathetic.

That's why, effective at 9 AM on May 1st, Roger Goodell is banished from Cape Cod.

"It's a complicated legal issue," said Randy Hunt, the state representative from Sandwich. "This is unprecedented. Remember, even Benedict Arnold wasn't banned from America. We had to go back to the Holy Roman Empire, and the concept of an Imperial Ban."

Imperial Banishment involves:

- The banished person (known as the Geächtete, colloquially also as Vogelfreierei, "free as a bird,") loses all of his political rights

- The Geächtete suffers forfeiture of all assets and possessions

- The Geächtete is considered to be legally dead.

- The Geächtete can assume that he will be offered no protection by the law enforcement agencies, and (according to the Wikipedia) "anyone is allowed to rob, injure or kill him without legal consequences." Hunt is working to soften our stance on that one through a series of amendment riders.

Barnstable County Special Sheriff Jeff Perry has been put in charge of the Goodell banishment.

"My plan is to beat the fear of God into him," said Perry. "My deputies have been instructed to, on sight, gaffle Mr. Goodell, physically drag him to the Barnstable County House Of Corrections, lock him in solitary confinement and beat him on the kidneys with tonfas every hour on the hour."

Perry and Hunt, both Republicans, were quick to point out that the ban enjoys bipartisan support across Massachusetts. Conor Kennedy, scion of the famous Kennedy clan from Hyannis Port, stood beside Hunt as he announced the ban. Chatham mayor Em Nonesuch (D) notes that the nautical penalty would be Keelhauling.

Both Brstol County Sheriff Thomas Hodgson and Plymouth County Sheriff Joseph McDonald are also said to be considering the Imperial Ban.

Several local businesses are taking the initiative with the ban, striking before Cape Cod's official announcement. Lambert's Rainbow Fruit, a powerful Massachusetts produce giant with a store in Sandwich, has already barred Goodell from their stores.

"I'd jam a cabbage down his stupid throat," said family representative Jeffrey Lambert. "They'll be calling him Ol' Cole Slaw Head when I finish with him."

from Boston.com

Cape Cod is just a few highway exits away from Foxboro, and we count Bob Kraft among our residents. Bill Belichick has a place on Nantucket, and several of his coaching progeny have places on Cape Cod.

"Remember, Cape Cod is where a guy was pulled out of his car at a county fair and beaten with a baseball bat for the crime of wearing a Yankees hat," said Cranberry County Magazine founder Stephen Bowden. "It's worse with the Patriots. Even the local priest will punch you in the face for wearing a Peyton Manning jersey."

The atmosphere across the bridges is decidedly ugly. Goodell has been burned in effigy all over Cape Cod, and a recent anti-Goodell rally along the Cape Cod Canal culminated with a 15 story Roger Goodell pinata being smashed with a LNG tanker. Instead of candy, the pinata released 200000 bats.

Goodell may not be out of the woods just yet, either. US District Attorney Carmen Ortiz is said to be considering the possibility of prosecuting Goodell for violations of the Patriot Act. "There is some stuff in the small print of the Patriot Act that may beat a path to the gallows," said a spokesperson.

Goodell's spokesperson declined to comment.

Goodell now has a problem that .000000000001% of the world has. Imagine a scenario where Roger Goodell and his rich friends are planning vacations. Imagine how Goodell would have to react when someone suggests the go-to rich person destination of Martha's Vineyard.

"I can't go to Massachusetts. I'll be chased through the streets like the Town Fool."

(uncomfortable pause as Roger looks around the room, gauging his chances)

"Let's go to Indianapolis, instead. I'm like a God there."