Sunday, February 26, 2017

Sunday Drive Gas Prices For South Shore, Plymouth County


The life experiences of staff motivate much of what turns up in this column. That is the case today, as the void left by the end of Football Season has fully asserted itself and it is not unusual for your author to take to the streets.

That costs money, because to get gasoline you must have dead organisms (mostly plant life, but yes, dinosaurs too) get buried under layers of stone and dirt, have it heated and pressurized by the functions of the Earth, wait 10 million years, have a bunch of PLO looking dudes move in over it, have someone figure out that you can burn this stuff in a manner that heats homes and powers machinery, subjugate the PLO guys, extract, refine, ship and distribute it.

It takes a lot of time and money to do all of that, so don't be too unhappy if gas costs $2 and change a gallon. It beats walking to Boston. That said, a reasonable person doesn't want to pay more than necessary to drive the beater around.

We're here to help you with that. We check with the Massachusetts Gas Prices website, set the search engine there for "last 36 hours," and tell you the best and worst listed prices in town. After that, it's on you to decide if it is worth driving to Whitman from where you live to save 25 cents a gallon.

A few notes on our methodology:

Gas prices can change at the drop of a hat. I pumped gas for a few years (I was never happier at a job, to be honest), and we usually changed over on Friday, before the weekend commute. There was a great deal of gouge-the-tourist behind this, but it is also when most people are getting their paychecks and filling their tanks.

We'd write this column on Friday night, but these gas price websites are user-driven, and it takes a while for the info to trickle in. Sunday is a good driving day (see intro), and with no tourists at this time of year, many/most stations don't lower the prices on Monday to favor the locals.

Note that, in this political climate, gas prices could suddenly spike. An oil company executive is our Secretary of State, and a simple "Those damned Iranians need to die 100,000 at a time. Pathetic!" social media message from the wrong orange-tinted president could double gas prices overnight.

If you see a lower/higher price in town that we didn't list, use our comments feature below to correct us. If there is more than one Shell in your town, it's on you to drive enough to find the cheap one.

Mobil has the worst price in 10 of 20 towns that had both a high and low price reported. They also had the worst price on the South Shore, a Gimme The Loot price of $2.69 at the Norwell Mobil.

National Average Gas Price: $2.228

Massachusetts Average Gas Price; $2.259

Price per barrel, crude oil: $53.57

Best Price in this article: $2.05, Prime Energy and Diamond Fuel in Whitman

Worst Price: $2.69, Mobil in Norwell.


GAS PRICES BY TOWN

Plymouth
Best: $2.11, BJs
Worst: $2.49, Gulf

Carver
Best: $2.13, at both Eagle Gas and Geko
Worst: $2.15, Mobil

Middleboro
Best: $2.06, Petro Max
Worst: $2.23, Mobil

Lakeville
Best: $2.13, Shell
Worst: $2.15, Mobil

Bridgewater (East, West and Everything Else)
Best: $2.10, Tri Town
Worst: $2.46, Mobil

Halifax
Best: $2.16 Cumby's
Worst: $2.27, Mobil

Plympton
Best: $2.15, Plympton Gas and Convenience

Kingston
Best: $2.15, Super Petroleum
Worst: $2.25, Gulf

Duxbury
Best: $2.29, Bennet's
Worst: $2.35, Gulf

Marshfield
Best: $2.14, Public Petroleum
Worst: $2.27, Shell

Scituate
No Prices Reported

Pembroke
Best: $2.18, Cumby's
Worst: $2.39, Mobil(s)

Hanson
Best: $2.13, at both Cumby's and Speedway
Worst: $2.35. Main Street Auto

Brockton
Best: $2.06, Montello's Express gas
Worst: $2.29, Sunny's Auto Care

Whitman
Best: $2.05, at both Prime Energy and Diamond Fuel
Worst: $2.09, at both Whitman Gas and Stop & Shop

Abington
Best: $2.07 Route 18 Superstore
Worst: $2.19, Abington Gas and Auto Repair

Rockland
Best: $2.15, at both Mutual and Steve's Auto Service
Worst: $2.25, BP

Hanover
Best: $2.13, Super Petroleum
Worst: $2.29, Sunoco

Norwell
Best: $2.47, 7-11
Worst: $2.69, Mobil

Cohasset
Best: $2.29, Stop & Shop
Worst: $2.31, Mobil

Hingham
Best: $2.17, Mobil
Worst: $2.39, Gulf

Hull
No prices reported

Weymouth
Best: $2.17, at both the Towne Pump (hey nowwwww) and Super Petroleum
Worst: $2.49, Mobil

Quincy
Best: $2.15, Super Petroleum
Worst: $2.47, Mobil

Be sure to check our Cape Cod and South Coast versions of this very same article.


Sunday Drive Gas Prices for Bristol County


The life experiences of staff motivate much of what turns up in this column. That is the case today, as the void left by the end of Football Season has fully asserted itself and it is not unusual for your author to take to the streets.

That costs money, because to get gasoline you must have dead organisms (mostly plant life, but yes, dinosaurs too) get buried under layers of stone and dirt, have it heated and pressurized by the functions of the Earth, wait 10 million years, have a bunch of PLO looking dudes move in over it, have someone figure out that you can burn this stuff in a manner that heats homes and powers machinery, subjugate the PLO guys, extract, refine, ship and distribute it.

It takes a lot of time and money to do all of that, so don't be too unhappy if gas costs $2 and change a gallon. It beats walking to Boston. That said, a reasonable person doesn't want to pay more than necessary to drive the beater around.

We're here to help you with that. We check with the Massachusetts Gas Prices website, set the search engine there for "last 36 hours," and tell you the best and worst listed prices in town. After that, it's on you to decide if it is worth driving to Seekonk from where you live to save 25 cents a gallon.

A few notes on our methodology:

Gas prices can change at the drop of a hat. I pumped gas for a few years (I was never happier at a job, to be honest), and we usually changed over on Friday, before the weekend commute. There was a great deal of gouge-the-tourist behind this, but it is also when most people are getting their paychecks and filling their tanks.

We'd write this column on Friday night, but these gas price websites are user-driven, and it takes a while for the info to trickle in. Sunday is a good driving day (see intro), and with no tourists at this time of year, many/most stations don't lower the prices on Monday to favor the locals.

Note that, in this political climate, gas prices could suddenly spike. An oil company executive is our Secretary of State, and a simple "Those damned Iranians need to die 100,000 at a time. Pathetic!" social media message from the wrong orange-tinted president could double gas prices overnight.

We go to "prices reported in last 48 hours" if we need data, we'll try to remember to tell you when we do.

If you see a lower/higher price in town that we didn't list, use our comments feature below to correct us. That's why we list towns when we have no prices for them, in hopes that you- yes, YOU- intervene.

If there is more than one Shell in your town, it's on you to drive enough to find the cheap one.

National Average Gas Price: $2.228

Massachusetts Average Gas Price; $2.259

Price per barrel, crude oil: $53.57


GAS PRICES BY TOWN

Wareham
$2.23, Mobil

Marion
No Prices reported

Rochester
No prices reported

Mattaspoisett
$2.29, Mobil

Acushnet
No prices reported

Fairhaven
Best:  $2.17, Valero
Worst: $2.26. 7-11

New Bedford
Best: $2.09, Stop & Save
Worst: $2.39, One Stop Gas

Dartmouth
Best: $2.09, BJ's
Worst: $2.39, Shell

Westport
Best: $2.14, Supreme Gas
Worst: $2.23, Mobil

Freetown
No Prices Reported

Fall River
Best: $2.07, Supreme Gas
Worst: $2.47, JC Gas

Somerset
Best: $2.19, Stop & Shop
Worst: $2.24, Wilbur Gas

Swansea
Best: $2.17, Mobil
Worst: $2.19, Sunoco

Seekonk:
Best: $2.03, Stop & Shop, BJ's, Crossroads Convenience (top 20 range for prices in Massachusetts)
Worst: $2.29, Shell

Rehoboth
Best: $2.09, Exxon
Worst: $2.13, Cumby's

Dighton
No prices listed

Berkley
No prices listed

Attleboro
 Best: $2.09, NJM
Worst: $2.15, Cumby's

Taunton
Best: $2.09, Geko (but while you pump the gas, a tiny lizard nags you about your car insurance)
Worst: $2.39, Mobil

Norton
Best: $2.13, Speedway
Worst: $2.20. Mas Gas

We'll have pages for Cape Cod and the South Shore up soon enough, perhaps even by the time you read this...


Sunday Drive Gas Prices, Cape Cod


The life experiences of staff motivate much of what turns up in this column. That is the case today, as the void left by the end of Football Season has fully asserted itself and it is not unusual for your author to take to the streets.

That costs money, because to get gasoline you must have dead organisms (mostly plant life, but yes, dinosaurs too) get buried under layers of stone and dirt, have it heated and pressurized by the functions of the Earth, wait 10 million years, have a bunch of PLO looking dudes move in over it, have someone figure out that you can burn this stuff in a manner that heats homes and powers machinery, subjugate the PLO guys, extract, refine, ship and distribute it.

It takes a lot of time and money to do all of that, so don't be too unhappy if gas costs $2 and change a gallon. It beats walking to Boston. That said, a reasonable person doesn't want to pay more than necessary to drive the beater around.

We're here to help you with that. We check with the Massachusetts Gas Prices website, set the search engine there for "last 36 hours," and tell you the best and worst listed prices in town. After that, it's on you to decide if it is worth driving across the Bourne Bridge from where you live to save 25 cents a gallon.

A few notes on our methodology:

Gas prices can change at the drop of a hat. I pumped gas for a few years (I was never happier at a job, to be honest), and we usually changed over on Friday, before the weekend commute. There was a great deal of gouge-the-tourist behind this, but it is also when most people are getting their paychecks and filling their tanks.

We'd write this column on Friday night, but these gas price websites are user-driven, and it takes a while for the info to trickle in. Sunday is a good driving day (see intro), and with no tourists at this time of year, many/most stations don't lower the prices on Monday to favor the locals.

Note that, in this political climate, gas prices could suddenly spike. An oil company executive is our Secretary of State, and a simple "Those damned Iranians need to die 100,000 at a time. Pathetic!" social media message from the wrong orange-tinted president could double gas prices overnight.

Wareham is part of Cape Cod in this scenario, as is mainland Bourne.

If you see a lower/higher price in town that we didn't list, use our comments feature below to correct us. If there is more than one Shell in your town, it's on you to drive enough to find the cheap one.

National Average Gas Price: $2.228

Massachusetts Average Gas Price; $2.259

Price per barrel, crude oil: $53.57


GAS PRICES BY TOWN

Provincetown:
Wellfleet:
Truro:
No Prices reported

Orleans
Best: $2.37, Cumby's, Speedway
Worst: $2.39, Mobil

Eastham
Best: $2.35, Tedeschi

Chatham
$2.37, Shell

Brewster
Best: $2.32, Cumby's
Worst: $2.38, Mobil

Dennis
Best: $2.11, Mobil
Worst: $2.35, Sav-On

Yarmouth
Best: $2.16, Speedway
Worst: $2.39, Shell

Barnstable
Best: $2.19, Mobil
Worst: $2.29 Citgo

Hyannis
Best: $2.06, United
Worst: $2.19, Excel

Mashpee
Best: $2.26, Stop & Shop
Worst: $2.29, Shell(s)

Falmouth
Best: $2.23, Intergas, also same price at Johnny's Tune and Lube
Worst: $2.31, Mobil

Sandwich
Best: $2.24, Shell
Worst: $2.35, Speedway

Bourne:
Best: $2.09, at both Speedway and Super
Worst: $2.22, Bourne Rotary Cumby's

Wareham
Best: $2.23, Mobil

If you're going ashore soon, we'll have South Coast and South Shore articles up soon enough. We've got you covered, almost anywhere you go.


Saturday, February 25, 2017

Heavy Fog This Morning


There's a Dense Fog Advisory for the South Coast, apparently at least to Bourne.


This is Buttermilk Bay in Bourne, MA.


Here's a mooring buoy at 20 yards, in case you're wondering how thick the fog is.


It should burn off by 9 AM or so.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

George "The Animal" Steele Dies

Wrestling fans all around the world will be saddened to hear about the death of George "The Animal" Steele. George, 79, was in hospice care.

Where do you start with The Animal. Playing a rampaging mentally ill character back when you could still do that, eating turnbuckles, stalking and menacing the lovely Miss Elizabeth... what was not to love?

Steele was a schoolteacher and a coach before he became a strangler. He's in the Michigan Hall Of Fame, for coaching. I'm pretty sure that he's in the WWE Hall Of Fame, too. Steele's influence rivals Buddha's. His name turns up in rap songs released long after he retired.

We can neither confirm nor deny George's paternity regarding former wrestler Hammerin' Heather Steele, but he was probably in her hometown at some point 9 months before her birth, George got around.

21 Bell Salute on Monday Night RAW, guarantee it. The man was an icon.


Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Worst Winters, Snowfall Records For Eastern Massachusetts


(Editor: We're dipping into our archives to drop some February and Winter-type Knowledge into your dome-pieces... the article is a year old, but no new records have been established, nor have averages been altered much.)

I think that even the wimpiest of us would agree that we have had a relatively mild winter so far. It may or may not change in the coming weeks, but that's not what we're here to discuss today.

We're at roughly what I consider to be mid-winter. I may not be correct officially or technically, but it's a good working model. A little bit of November, all of December, January, February and March, plus a bit of April... February is smack dab in the middle of that.

With that in mind, let's sort through some weather facts and speculation that may get you some proper mojo for those times when you ponder the weather at great lengths.

There will be a bit of a Boston focus, as I have a lot of Boston weather data handy. Your town may be different, but it's good enough to work with. I'm leaning heavily on a Weather Channel page. I refuse to use Winter Storm Names.

- Some of our worst storms, like the Blizzard of '78, came in the shortest month of he year.


-Top Boston Snowstorms

1. Feb. 17-18, 2003: 27.6 inches
2. Feb. 6-7, 1978: 27.1 inches
3. Feb. 24-26, 1969: 25.8 inches
4. Mar. 31 - Apr. 1, 1997: 25.4 inches
5. Feb. 8-9, 2013: 24.9 inches
6. Jan. 26-28, 2015: 24.6 inches
7. Feb. 7-10, 2015: 23.8 inches
8. Jan. 22-23, 2005: 22.5 inches
9. Jan. 20-21, 1978: 21.4 inches
10. Mar. 3-5, 1960: 19.8 inches

- Three of Boston's five snowiest months (including #1 overall, with a bullet) were, as you'll see, various forms of February.

- People looking at Top Boston Snowstorms charts in the future will be like, "Damn, it must have sucked in 2015 to get 24.6 inches of snow on January 28th and then get 23.8 inches on February 7th," and they could quite possibly be completely unaware that there was also a Groundhog Day blizzard in 2015 that did like 18". We just fail to mention it, because History of any sort is full of these little nuances.

- Top Snowfall Totals For A Month in Boston, and remember that you lose about 10% of the calendar with February:
1. February 2015: 64.8 inches
2. January 2005: 43.3 inches
3. January 1945: 42.3 inches
4. February 2003: 41.6 inches
5. February 1969: 41.3 inches

- It's odd that December or March didn't force their way in the mix up there in that list. I suppose that Spring is asserting herself by March, and that the ground is too warm in December.

- April, which has had some heavy blizzard-type snowfalls, just doesn't get enough follow-up events to break into that very close (one inch of snow stands between the second worst month of snow ever and the fifth worst) pile of months that make up rankings-2-5.

- March had a 19.8 inch head-start in 1960 and failed to get near the top 5. April had about 24" by April 1st of 1997, but couldn't generate enough powda to be a true player.

- Boston does about 43.6" of snow per winter. I think that Barnstable clocks 25" or so per winter.



- Boston's 10 Worst Winters:

1. 2014-2015: 110.6 inches
2. 1995-1996: 107.6 inches
3. 1993-1994: 96.3 inches
4. 1947-1948: 89.2 inches
5. 2004-2005: 86.6 inches
6. 1977-1978: 85.1 inches
7. 1992-1993: 83.9 inches
8. 2010-2011: 81.0 inches
9. 1915-1916: 79.2 inches
10. 1919-1920: 73.4 inches

- Notice that nearly 2 feet of snow stand between #2 and #5 on this list, while 1 inch stands between #2 and #5 in snowiest months. Those were some genuinely awful winters.

- Boston got 94.4 inches of snow in the thirty days between January 24th and February 22nd, 2015. It would be the third snowiest winter overall, just those 30 days.

- Any kid about 25 years old or so who has lived here all of his life can hold his own with any old-timer, no matter how salty Gramps may be, in a discussion about difficult Boston winters. Even a 105 year old man will have only seen three other winters that would place in the top ten.

- A 128 year old man would have seen the Blizzard of 1888, albeit as a child. However, at that point, the 128 year old man himself would be more interesting than Blizzard of 1888 discussion.

- Old folks would have recourse against whippersnappers in things like Ice Storms and Really, Really Cold Weather. It generally goes without saying that this current generation has better plowing and forecasting. It also generally goes without saying that old people have a better feel for the weather, and always will.

- That said, my 9 year old has now seen snowy winters worse than anything that Old Folks can speak of.

- In 2015, Boston had a Boston-record 37" snow pack. We had 6 feet of snow fall between January 24th and February 10th, and 90" between 1/24 and 2/15. We had 4 days where we had at least 12 inches of snow (a record shared with 1978 and 1960-61). Boston had 6 days in a row with at least a half-inch of snow. They also had 28 straight days where the temperature didn't get above 20.


- Some Perspective:

Heaviest One-Day Snowfall (inches and centimeters)

Georgetown, Colorado 63 160 Dec 4 1913
Thompson Pass, Alaska 62 157 Dec 29 1955
Giant Forest, California 60 152 Jan 19 1933
Mount Washington, NH 49 125 Feb 25 1969
Millegan, Montana 48 122 Dec 27 2003
Gunn's Ranch, Washington 48 122 Jan 21 1935
Deadwood, South Dakota 47 119 Mar 14 1973
Watertown, New York 45 114 Nov 15 1900
Heber Ranger Station, Arizona 38 97 Dec 14 1967
Morgantown, Pennsylvania 38 97 Mar 20 1958
Wolf Ridge, Minnesota 36 91 Jan 7 1994

Snowiest Average Winters, (inches and centimeters)

Mt Rainier, Washington 671 1704
Alta, Utah 546 1387
Crater Lake Park, Oregon 483 1226
Brighton, Utah 411 1044
Echo Summit, California 407 1035

Most Days With Snowfall 

Mt Rainier, Paradise Station, Washington 121.4
Mt Washington, New Hampshire 118.5
Climax Mine, Colorado 104.4
Crater Lake Park Headquarters, Oregon 101.3
Shemya Island, Alaska 98.3
Yellowstone Park South Entrance, Wyoming 94.5

Snowiest Large US Cities, Average Year, (inches and centimeters)

Rochester, New York 99.5 252.7
Buffalo, New York 94.7 240.5
Cleveland, Ohio 68.1 173.0
Salt Lake City, Utah 56.2 142.7
Minneapolis, Minnesota 54.0 137.2
Denver, Colorado 53.8 136.7
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 46.9 119.1
Boston, Massachusetts 43.8 111.3
Detroit, Michigan 42.7 108.5
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 41.9 106.4
Hartford, Connecticut 40.5 102.9
Chicago, Illinois 36.7 93.2
Providence, Rhode Island 33.8 85.9
Columbus, Ohio 27.5 69.9
Indianapolis, Indiana 25.9 65.8
New York, New York 25.1 63.8


- Boston, and Massachusetts in general, rules 'Merica in one weather-related category... Wind Speed. Boston has an average wind speed of 12.4 mph. Massachusetts owns 4 of the top 5 spots when ranked among cities with more than 50,000 people. Weymouh, Brockton, Framingham, Newton, Peabody, Waltham, Quincy, Lowell, Brookline, and Lynn are all in the top 20.

Windiest US Cities (>50,000 people)

1. Weymouth Town, MA (housing) (pop. 55,419) 14.7 mph
2. Brockton, MA (housing) (pop. 94,089) 14.3 mph
3. Framingham, MA (housing) (pop. 68,318) 13.6 mph
4. Amarillo, TX (housing) (pop. 196,429) 13.3 mph
5. Weymouth, MA (housing) (pop. 54,393) 13.2 mph
6. Cheyenne, WY (housing) (pop. 62,448) 12.9 mph
7. Fort Collins, CO (housing) (pop. 152,061) 12.8 mph
8. Newton, MA (housing) (pop. 87,971) 12.7 mph
9. Casper, WY (housing) (pop. 59,628) 12.7 mph
10. Waltham, MA (housing) (pop. 62,227) 12.6 mph
11. Loveland, CO (housing) (pop. 71,334) 12.6 mph
12. Quincy, MA (housing) (pop. 93,494) 12.5 mph
13. Greeley, CO (housing) (pop. 96,539) 12.5 mph
14. Rochester, MN (housing) (pop. 110,742) 12.5 mph
15. Great Falls, MT (housing) (pop. 59,351) 12.5 mph
16. Peabody, MA (housing) (pop. 52,044) 12.5 mph
17. Brookline, MA (housing) (pop. 58,732) 12.5 mph
18. Lowell, MA (housing) (pop. 108,861) 12.5 mph
19. Lubbock, TX (housing) (pop. 239,538) 12.4 mph
20. Lynn, MA (housing) (pop. 91,589) 12.4 mph
21. Boston, MA (housing) (pop. 645,966) 12.4 mph

- Viewed in the Year Without A Sana Claus weather logic that I use in lieu of any formal meteorological training, New England is often brought up in arguments where people propose that there are actually several Misers involved in our weather. You could make a case for Warm Miser, Mild Miser and/or Seasonably Cold Miser.

It may be a case where Heat Miser and Cold Miser are General Grant and General Lee, and Seasonably Cold Miser is a subordinate, Jubal Early-style figure.



Sunday, February 12, 2017

Blizzard Watch For Coastal Massachusetts, Winter Storm Warning Inland



Cranberry County Magazine is actually part of a secret government experiment where we see if you can bankrupt a website by running the same headline every 5 days. OK, maybe the government isn't involved, but here we go again with another Blizzard!

Let's just hand this to the pros, shall we?

BLIZZARD WATCH REMAINS IN EFFECT FROM LATE TONIGHT THROUGH
MONDAY EVENING...

* LOCATIONS...Cape Cod and Nantucket.

* ACCUMULATIONS...4 to 6 inches of snow.

* HAZARD TYPES...include moderate to heavy snow, as well as
blowing snow.

* TIMING...spotty light rain this morning becomes steadier and
heavier this afternoon, then transitioning to snow overnight
along with increasing winds by early Monday morning. It is
during these peak winds, that blizzard conditions are possible.

* WINDS...Northwest 35 to 45 mph with gusts up to 65 mph.

* VISIBILITIES...One quarter mile or less at times.

* IMPACTS...The combination of brief heavy snow and strong winds
may lead to dangerous driving conditions as well as scattered
power outages.

PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...

A Blizzard Watch means there is a potential for considerable
falling and/or blowing snow with sustained winds or frequent
gusts over 35 mph...with visibilities below one quarter mile...
for at least 3 hours. Whiteout conditions will be possible...
making travel very dangerous. Be prepared to alter any travel
plans.
**************************************************

Remember, folks.... a Blizzard doesn't necessarily mean that you re getting the Blizzard of '78 with 25 inches of snow. All you need is three hours of heavy snow and some high winds. Buffalo once had a blizzard where it didn't snow at all... the high winds just picked up all the fluffy snow sitting on frozen Lake Erie and blew it into Buffalo.

The coast has more NWS stuff to deal with... and you know they're serious, because they're going CAPS LOCK:

COASTAL FLOOD WATCH REMAINS IN EFFECT FROM MONDAY MORNING THROUGH MONDAY
AFTERNOON...

* LOCATION...SALISBURY TO ROCKPORT, NORTH SIDE OF CAPE COD FROM SANDWICH TO
EASTHAM, AND NANTUCKET.

* TIDAL DEPARTURE...1 TO 2 FEET ABOVE NORMAL TIDE IS POSSIBLE SALISBURY TO
ROCKPORT, AND 2 TO 3 FEET ABOVE NORMAL TIDE IS POSSIBLE ALONG THE NORTH SIDE
OF CAPE COD AND THE NANTUCKET HARBOR AREA.

* TIMING...WITHIN A COUPLE OF HOURS OF THE MONDAY EARLY AFTERNOON HIGH TIDE.

* COASTAL FLOOD IMPACTS...MINOR TO MODERATE COASTAL FLOODING IS POSSIBLE
SALISBURY TO ROCKPORT INCLUDING THE PLUM ISLAND AREA AS WELL AS NANTUCKET
HARBOR. MODERATE WITH POCKETS OF MODERATE TO MAJOR COASTAL FLOODING IS
POSSIBLE FROM SANDWICH TO EASTHAM WHERE DAMAGE TO THE MOST VULNERABLE
STRUCTURES ALONG THE IMMEDIATE SHORE AS WELL AS SHORELINE ROAD WASHOUTS ARE
POSSIBLE DUE TO THE COMBINATION OF STORM SURGE AND LARGE BREAKING WAVES.
INUNDATION OF 1 TO 3 FEET IN LOW SPOTS IS POSSIBLE.

* SHORELINE IMPACTS...LARGE WAVES OF 15 TO 20 FEET JUST OFFSHORE WILL LIKELY
CAUSE SIGNIFICANT EROSION OF OCEAN EXPOSED SHORELINES ALONG EASTERN
MASSACHUSETTS. THE EROSION ALONG THE NORTH SIDE OF CAPE COD FROM SANDWICH TO
EASTHAM, THE OCEAN SIDE OF CAPE COD FROM TRURO TO CHATHAM, AND THE EAST SIDE
OF NANTUCKET MAY BE SEVERE IN PLACES.

PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...

A COASTAL FLOOD WATCH MEANS THAT POTENTIAL EXISTS FOR MODERATE OR MAJOR COASTAL
FLOODING. MODERATE COASTAL FLOODING PRODUCES WIDESPREAD FLOODING OF VULNERABLE
SHORE ROADS AND/OR BASEMENTS DUE TO THE HEIGHT OF THE STORM TIDE AND/OR WAVE
ACTION. NUMEROUS ROAD CLOSURES ARE NEEDED. LIVES MAY BE AT RISK FOR PEOPLE WHO
PUT THEMSELVES IN HARMS WAY. ISOLATED STRUCTURAL DAMAGE MAY BE POSSIBLE.

MAJOR COASTAL FLOODING IS CONSIDERED SEVERE ENOUGH TO CAUSE AT LEAST SCATTERED
STRUCTURAL DAMAGE ALONG WITH WIDESPREAD FLOODING OF VULNERABLE SHORE ROADS
AND/OR BASEMENTS. SOME VULNERABLE HOMES WILL BE SEVERELY DAMAGED OR DESTROYED.
NUMEROUS ROADS ARE IMPASSABLE...SOME WITH WASHOUTS SEVERE ENOUGH TO BE LIFE-
THREATENING IF ONE ATTEMPTED TO CROSS ON FOOT OR BY VEHICLE. SOME NEIGHBORHOODS
WILL BE ISOLATED. EVACUATION OF SOME NEIGHBORHOODS MAY BE NECESSARY.
********************************************************
Please note and know that the greatest danger here is for people on north-facing coastlines. This means you:

Hull

Scituate Neck

Fourth Cilff

Brant Rock

Gurnet Point

Manomet

Sandwich

Barnstable Harbor

Dennis

Brewster

Provincetown

Here is a list of Tide Charts that you probably want to have a look at before tomorrow's entertainment.
***************************************************

The rest of you (meaning the inland and South Coast parts of our reading area, you get:

WINTER STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 7 PM EST MONDAY...

* LOCATIONS...include Northern Connecticut, Northern Rhode
Island, and Southeast Massachusetts.

* ACCUMULATIONS...4 to 8 inches of snow.

* HAZARD TYPES...include moderate to heavy snow, as well as
blowing snow.

* TIMING...spotty light snow early this morning will give way to
steady snow later this morning and then heavy at times this
afternoon. Snow may mix with sleet at times later this afternoon
and possibly mixed with freezing drizzle tonight before turning
back to snow Monday morning.

* WINDS...North 15 to 25 mph with gusts up to 40 mph.

* VISIBILITIES...One quarter mile or less at times.

* IMPACTS...The combination of sleet and snow will lead to
hazardous driving conditions at times. There is also the low
risk for isolated power outages.

PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...

A Winter Storm Warning is issued when an average snowfall of
6 inches or more is expected within a 12 hour period...or for
8 inches or more in a 24 hour period. Travel will be slow at best
on well treated surfaces...and quite difficult on untreated
surfaces. Only travel in an emergency. If you must travel...keep
an extra flashlight...food...and water in your vehicle in case of
an emergency.
********************************

There's even a HIGH WIND WATCH for the next few days, and a SPECIAL WEATHER STATEMENT about this morning's snow.

*****************************************************
This NWS chart shows a lot of stuff,but the first three numbers after the town name equal 1) Best Case Scenario, 2) Most Likely Scenario, and 3) Worst Case Scenario

Location At least Likely Potential for >=0.1" >=1" >=2" >=4" >=6" >=8" >=12" >=18"
Boston, MA 6 14 16 100% 100% 100% 100% 93% 79% 35% 0%
Edgartown, MA <1 3 4 92% 77% 43% 10% 0% 0% 0% 0%
Greenfield, MA 10 12 15 100% 100% 100% 100% 100% 100% 46% 0%
Hartford, CT 3 4 10 100% 100% 99% 83% 48% 27% 0% 0%
Hyannis, MA <1 4 6 93% 83% 67% 34% 12% 0% 0% 0%
Nantucket, MA 2 4 5 100% 100% 88% 23% 0% 0% 0% 0%
Newport, RI 0 1 5 77% 56% 42% 21% 0% 0% 0% 0%
Plympton, MA 1 6 11 95% 89% 83% 60% 41% 27% 1% 0%
Providence, RI 2 6 11 100% 98% 93% 78% 48% 33% 4% 0%
Springfield, MA 5 8 12 100% 100% 100% 99% 83% 49% 10% 0%
Taunton, MA 2 7 11 99% 96% 89% 75% 46% 31% 3% 0%
Westerly, RI 0 2 5 81% 63% 43% 18% 0% 0% 0% 0%
Worcester, MA 8 12 16 100% 100% 100% 100% 99% 88% 42% 0%

*******************************************************************

This is a dangerous storm, and it looks like fun for both commutes Monday.
It may start of as rain, but don't fall for that. It'll switch over soon enough, and the roads will be treacherous.

I'm considering going in to work 24 hours early and just hanging around. I barely made it over the Bourne Bridge in my junker Dodge during the blizzard last week. I had to resort to Tacking, a sailing method that involves repeatedly aiming your bow in different directions to do the seemingly-impossible move of sailing into the wind. I don't know Why it worked, only That it worked.

This feat was more impressive because:

1) I wasn't in a sailboat.

2) Tacking isn't designed to move Uphill.

3) Even if it was, I wasn't on water. Well, technically I was, but you know what I mean.

4) Cars, which aren't designed to cut through the surface of an ocean, don't have bows.

5) I don't know how to sail.

6) "I was on a 25 yard wide suspended plank looking at a 200 foot fall into a coastal river in February" was my worst case scenario.

7) My second worst case scenario was to just roll back down the bridge, in the wrong lane, then try to do an Elwood Blues-style sudden spin where I ended up in the heading-onto-the-mainland lane instead of my original heading-on-Cape lane. The fact that my rear window was completely snowed over was very far down on the list of things I was worried about with this move.

8) I was going to instantly shift my focus onto move #7 once I started sliding backwards down the bridge, without a second thought.

It didn't come to that, as Tacking worked. It still took me 5 minutes at 6000 RPMs to get to the top of the Bourne Bridge.

We'll be in the Bourne and Plymouth for this storm. I'm very tempted to hide myself in my sister's house on Duxbury Beach for the high tides, but I have a graveyard shift back in Bourne on Monday night. I'm not trying to repeat 1-8.

In about two days, look for some variation of "You know you're from Massachusetts when someone says 'I wrecked my car in the blizzard,' you say 'Yesterday?" and they say "No, last Thursday" meme to start showing up.


Friday, February 10, 2017

Blizzard Snowfall Totals


MASSACHUSETTS

...BARNSTABLE COUNTY...
   1 E TRURO             10.2   645 AM  2/10  COCORAHS
   ORLEANS               10.0   849 PM  2/09  TRAINED SPOTTER
   MARSTONS MILLS         9.0   831 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO
   EAST SANDWICH          9.0   929 PM  2/09  NWS EMPLOYEE
   1 NW EAST FALMOUTH     8.7   707 AM  2/10  COCORAHS
   EAST FALMOUTH          8.5   849 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO
   POCASSET               8.0   844 PM  2/09  NONE
   WELLFLEET              8.0   539 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO
   3 E FALMOUTH           8.0   700 AM  2/10  COCORAHS
   WEST HARWICH           7.5   906 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO
   WAQUOIT                7.5   513 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO
   BREWSTER               7.0   823 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO
   BOURNE                 6.8   335 PM  2/09  TRAINED SPOTTER (the Bourne spotter- me- actually had a 10.5" measurement later that evening, but may have reported it wrong.
   1 NNE SANDWICH         5.0   700 AM  2/10  COCORAHS

The snow drives back the foot that's slow...

video

...BRISTOL COUNTY...
   1 ESE WESTPORT        13.5   700 AM  2/10  COCORAHS
   NORTH DIGHTON         13.2   607 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO
   ASSONET               13.0   753 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO
   WESTPORT              13.0   516 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO
   FREETOWN              13.0   815 PM  2/09  TRAINED SPOTTER
   MANSFIELD             13.0   815 PM  2/09  TRAINED SPOTTER
   NEW BEDFORD           13.0   850 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO
   DARTMOUTH             12.8   553 PM  2/09  TRAINED SPOTTER
   4 NW TAUNTON          12.4   753 PM  2/09  NWS OFFICE
   TAUNTON               12.3  1102 PM  2/09  TRAINED SPOTTER
   NORTH ATTLEBORO       12.3   856 AM  2/10  NWS EMPLOYEE
   NORTON                12.2   749 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO
   ATTLEBORO             12.0  1111 PM  2/09  TRAINED SPOTTER
   SWANSEA               12.0   525 PM  2/09  TRAINED SPOTTER
   ACUSHNET              10.0   630 AM  2/10  SOCIAL MEDIA
   4 N TAUNTON           10.0   700 AM  2/10  COCORAHS
   WEST ACUSHNET         10.0   812 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO
   FAIRHAVEN-POPE BEACH   9.5  1025 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO
   FAIRHAVEN              9.5   847 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO
   REHOBOTH               9.2   524 PM  2/09  NWS EMPLOYEE
   3 NW TAUNTON           9.0   339 PM  2/09  TRAINED SPOTTER

...DUKES COUNTY...
   OAK BLUFFS             5.5   839 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO

The Buzzards Bay Biggie Blizzard remix... it's amazing how a song about shooting Tupac actually sounds a bit like a Christmas carol if you have the right visual...

video


...NORFOLK COUNTY...
   FOXBORO               15.4   741 PM  2/09  NONE
   SO. WEYMOUTH          13.0  1003 PM  2/09  MEDIA
   RANDOLPH              13.0   810 PM  2/09  TRAINED SPOTTER
   MEDFIELD              12.5   515 PM  2/09  BROADCAST MEDIA
   NORWOOD               12.1   756 PM  2/09  NWS EMPLOYEE
   QUINCY                11.8   910 PM  2/09  GENERAL PUBLIC
   BELLINGHAM            11.5   215 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO
   DOVER                 11.0   536 PM  2/09  BROADCAST MEDIA
   MILLIS                10.3   735 PM  2/09  TRAINED SPOTTER
   BROOKLINE             10.0   728 PM  2/09  TRAINED SPOTTER
   NEEDHAM HEIGHTS       10.0  1005 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO
   WRENTHAM              10.0   418 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO

...PLYMOUTH COUNTY...
   PLYMOUTH              16.5   832 PM  2/09  GENERAL PUBLIC
   KINGSTON              14.5   855 PM  2/09  TRAINED SPOTTER
   3 WNW KINGSTON        14.5   600 AM  2/10  COCORAHS
   2 SE BRIDGEWATER      13.5   700 AM  2/10  COCORAHS
   BRIDGEWATER           13.5   953 PM  2/09  NONE
   MARION                13.5   916 PM  2/09  TRAINED SPOTTER
   BROCKTON              13.3   527 AM  2/10  TRAINED SPOTTER
   WHITMAN               12.0   545 PM  2/09  TRAINED SPOTTER
   ROCKLAND              12.0   505 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO
   MIDDLEBORO            12.0   800 AM  2/10  CO-OP OBSERVER
   HINGHAM               12.0   700 PM  2/09  COOP OBSERVER
   HANOVER               11.0   626 AM  2/10  NONE
   LAKEVILLE              9.0   851 PM  2/09  TRAINED SPOTTER
   HULL                   8.9   930 PM  2/09  NONE


Snowbound, at a hotel... "I corrected them, Sir"

video


...SUFFOLK COUNTY...
   SOUTH BOSTON          12.0   422 PM  2/09  MEDIA
   CHELSEA               11.3   409 PM  2/09  HAM RADIO
   WINTHROP              10.9  1136 PM  2/09  NONE
   1 N EAST BOSTON       10.7   702 PM  2/09  AIRPORT
   BOSTON                10.5   535 PM  2/09  THE FENS


The better pics are from Monument Beach. Tristan and Mikina are way nicer with the camera than ol' Steve is.



Cape Cod met blizzard conditions yesterday.


They weren't joking about that Red Skies In Morning bad weather omen stuff...



Pre-blizzard sunrise


Same vantage point, 12 hours later.


Here's another Vantage Point exercise. This is at the height of the blizzard...


Same vantage point, once darkness settled in and things calmed down some...



A tree, during the height of the storm....


Same tree, from a few yards back once the whiteout lightened...


Shovel all night, go to get some refreshments, and  a dog took my favorite bar stool. Know that the Trowbridge Tavern provided a Hawaiian Pizza to the author at the height of the storm. 


Thursday, February 9, 2017

Blizzard Warning, School Closings, Snowfall Total Predictions



BLIZZARD WARNING 
REMAINS IN EFFECT FROM 9 AM THIS MORNING TO
8 PM EST THIS EVENING...

* LOCATIONS...Eastern Plymouth County...Cape Cod...Martha's
Vineyard...Nantucket and Block Island.

* HAZARD TYPES...Heavy snow...strong to damaging winds and Blizzard
conditions.

* Accumulations...Snow accumulation of 12 to 16 inches.

* TIMING...Precipitation will overspread the region between 6 and
9 am this morning and may begin as a brief period of rain. Any
rain will change to snow by late morning. The snow will then
fall heavy at times this afternoon before tapering off to snow
showers this evening.

* IMPACTS...Heavy snow and strong to damaging winds will result in
blizzard conditions this afternoon and early evening. Intense
snowfall rates of 2 to 3 inches per hour will be possible at times
this afternoon. Strong winds will create blowing and drifting snow
and near-white out conditions at times. Travel is not
recommended this afternoon and evening. In addition strong to
damaging winds may result in isolated power outages.

* Winds...Northeast 30 to 40 mph with gusts up to 65 mph.

* Visibilities...One quarter mile or less at times.

* Temperatures...In the upper 20s.

PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...

A Blizzard Warning is issued when sustained winds or frequent
gusts over 35 mph are expected with considerable falling and/or
blowing snow. Visibilities will become poor with whiteout
conditions at times. Those venturing outdoors may become lost or
disoriented. So persons in the warning area are strongly advised
to stay indoors.

**************************************************

Here is a list of

School Closings

**************************************************

Snowfall Predictions, by local TV stations, 6 AM:


WBZ... 8-14" for most of Massachusetts. 4-8" for Cape Cod

WFXT... 10-14" for most of Massachusetts, 7-10 on Cape Cod

WHDH.... 12-16" for Estern Massachusetts, 16-20" from Worcester to NE CT, NW RI, 8-12 Cape

WCVB... 12-18" Massachusetts, 10-15" Cape Cod

NECN.... 12" Cape, 15" South Shore, 18" interior SE MA

**********************************************

Coastal Flooding is a threat. The good news is that the storm won't be at full speed at the morning high tide, and will be waning (with north instead of northeast winds) for the evening high tide (11ish). It's an astronomically high tide, so keep an eye to the sea.

**********************************************

Yes, this blizzard roughly coincides with Blizzard of '78. This won't be so bad, but it may be the worst of the year... and we had a 12-18" blizzard already this season.

We'll be bopping around for much of the storm, and we'll get some pics/videos. I may not get to the shore for the storm, but you never know.

We'll be back with an update if need be.

Red skies in morning.... unless my camera disagrees, which happens now and then.


Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Blizzard Conditions Possible Tomorrow




BLIZZARD WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT FROM 6 AM THURSDAY TO
MIDNIGHT EST THURSDAY NIGHT...

* LOCATIONS...southeast Massachusetts and Rhode Island.

* HAZARD TYPES...Heavy snow.

* Accumulations...Snow accumulation of 6 to 12 inches.

* TIMING...Snow will begin early Thursday morning and last
through much of the day before ending Thursday evening. Snow
could fall heavy at times and impact both the morning and
evening commutes.

* IMPACTS...Hazardous travel due to snow covered roads and poor
visibilities. Blowing and drifting snow is possible.

* Winds...North 20 to 30 mph with gusts up to 50 mph.

PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...

A Winter Storm Warning for heavy snow means severe winter weather
conditions are expected or occurring. Significant amounts of snow
are forecast that will make travel dangerous. Only travel in an
emergency. If you must travel...keep an extra flashlight...food...
and water in your vehicle in case of an emergency.

&&

===================

SOUTHERN PLYMOUTH: (same)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Not much to add to that. There is a coastal flooding threat, and a high astronomical tide. The tide will be tempered somewhat by the timing of the storm, which will just be warming up for the morning high tide and will be blowing a wave-killing North by the time of the evening tides.

There is a strong possibility that the current Winter Storm Warning will be changed to a Blizzard Warning later this morning or early this afternoon.

We should certainly have the snow for a blizzard, and the winds will be up for most of the day. Both commutes should feel the pain, although I'm currently betting on the evening commute being the bonecrusher.

After ol' Mr. Blizz leaves town, we'll be in for a deep freeze.

We're looking at another snow event for Saturday. That's looking like 3-6", probably closer to the 3. Keep in mind that tomorrow's storm was a 3-6" forecast a few days ago.

We'll be back with an update if need be.







Sunday, February 5, 2017

Super Bowl Ratings, Betting Lines, Silly Bets


The Super Bowl is today, and it hits with the force of a national holiday. 111 million watched the game last year, making it the third most-viewed Super Bowl of all time... which also makes it the third most-viewed TV show ever put on the tube.

The highest non-Super Bowl TV show ever was 105 million watching the final episode of M.A.S.H., and M.A.S.H. was only able to hold the title until Super Bowl 44. Of the 20 most viewed programs in US History, 19 are Super Bowls and one is the M.A.S.H. finale. You need 88 million viewers to even sniff that list. Trump and Hillary's first debate scored 84 million. Seinfeld's last episode scored 76 million. The last Johnny Carson version of The Tonight Show did 50 million.

If you need an idea about how twisted TV ratings get... the fact that population grows yearly doesn't dilute the shock of realizing that the last episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show was beaten by the last episode of ALF. Ranked #20 overall on the list of TV show codas, ALF also outscored the final episodes of Breaking Bad (ALF doubled them), Bonanza, Murphy Brown, Letterman, Sex In The City, Will And Grace, Twin Peaks and Melrose Place.

YouTube is changing everything. Like I said, Donald Trump's inauguration drew 30 million TV viewers. I'm In Love With The Coco, on YouTube, drew 190 million.

If you need a lead on how powerful the Super Bowl is... the Super Bowl postgame show did 76 million viewers. That's what the final Seinfeld garnered, as well as the Ed Sullivan show with the Beatles. It's is about twice as many viewers as the Academy Awards got, a bit less than twice of what Obama's inauguration drew, more than twice as many viewers as Trump's inauguration had, and about triple of what the Charles/Diana wedding drew in the US.

The only thing that can beat a Super Bowl is a British royal wedding, and you have to go Worldwide viewership to get that 750 million number. Only 30-40 million foreigners watch the Super Bowl, which may just explain why the US wins all of those World Wars.

Not a lot of people bet on the Royal Wedding, but that's not a problem for the fan of American F***ing Football. You can bet on every single aspect of the game, and we shall explore some of those aspects in today's column.

The basic betting lines, and the ones where most of the money will be wagered, is like thusly:

2/5 6:30 ET New England -3 Atlanta 58.5

This means that New England is favored to win, by 3 points, a game that is going to get 58 or 59 points.

We did a whole article about how we thought that this betting line was going to work itself out, although we spent most of the article talking about Mongols, General Sherman and physically destroying the city of Atlanta.

However, there are hundreds of bets you can make on the game. Here's a few of them, with little asides where we give you advice on how we'd handle it:


Odds to win Super Bowl MVP

Tom Brady: 3/2
Matt Ryan: 7/4
Julio Jones: 11/2
Field: 10/1

Anything could happen here. Legarrette Blount might punch in 4 touchdowns. Vic Beasley might sever Tom Brady's spine. Mohammed Sanu might catch a TD and throw for one. The field goal kickers may do all the scoring. Devin McCourty may get a pair of pick-sixes. If you feel that something like that will happen, choose "Field."

If you think that Hotlanta will win, and that they will win because Matt Ryan throws 4TDs to Julio Jones (his momma named him that), you have to make up your mind.

On the other hand, if the Pats win, you're pretty much handing the trophy to Champagne Tom.


O/U total points at halftime: 29.5...  O/U total points after three quarters: 43.5

The Patriots start slow in Super Bowls. The Falcons scored on their first possession like 8 times in a row or so.

Keep in mind, if one team goes up big, they'll run the ball in an attempt to eat the clock. That is mostly a 4th quarter matter, but it all factors in if you're banking on the 59 point Over for the game. You could also have a close game where the teams trade repeated strikes in the 4th quarter.

I tend to view games as Wholes, and usually avoid this kind of bet.


Odds a kicker misses an extra point: 7/3

It's been happening a lot this year. That said, we have two pretty clutch kickers working this game, which is being played in a domed stadium. That's kicker Nirvana,


Odds there is a completed Hail Mary: 66/1

When you may have a mortgage payment riding on whether someone throws a Hail Mary and hits it,  try to bet on the team who has Danny AMENdola.

If you have to use ALL CAPS to force through the Amen part of the joke, the joke probably wasn't funny... but the What's Funny book was written during the Bob Hope era, well before the Internet.


Odds to rush for the most yards

LeGarrette Blount: 9/4
Devonta Freeman: 5/2
Tevin Coleman: 3/1
Dion Lewis: 6/1
FIELD: 28/1

Old School wagerers think "Kenny King," a relatively obscure back who cranked out an 80 yard TD catch to screw up a 1980 receiving version of this bet.

You want to go Blount here. Freeman, Lewis and Coleman are more likely to catch the ball than be handed it in most scenarios.


Odds to score the first TD

Julio Jones: 9/2
Devonta Freeman: 5/1
LeGarrette Blount: 6/1
Mohamed Sanu: 7/1
Martellus Bennett: 9/1
Chris Hogan: 11/1
Julian Edelman: 11/1
Tevin Coleman: 14/1
Dion Lewis: 16/1
FIELD: 12/1

I'd be taking Blount all day with this, except that 1) Atlanta scores on their first possession a lot, and B) Julio Jones is a freak of nature, and 3) FIELD is a group that includes the other 98 players involved in the game.


Over/Under height of the tallest player to score a TD: 6’3″

Jones is listed at 6'3". Blount is under. Brady is over. Bennett is over. Lewis, Freeman and Coleman are under. Ryan is 6'4".  Both Atlanta tight ends and Bennett are over 6'4". Every defensive back is under 6'3", in case you're counting on a pick-6.

Over/Under weight of the heaviest player to score a TD: 249.5 lbs

Blount is over 250 pounds. If you're banking on keeping him out of the end zone, you may as well spend all of your money betting Atlanta and the Under.


Odds the opening coin toss comes up…

Heads: 1/1
Tails: 1/1

I could say "flip a coin" here, but that would be redundant.


Odds on what color Gatorade will be poured on the winning coach:

Orange: 7/2
Blue: 15/4
Clear/Water: 4/1
Purple: 6/1
Yellow: 13/2
None: 10/1

"Yellow" is the popular bet in this Mr. Trump-goes-to-Moscow era.

I do know that I worked in a factory for many years, the company kept Gatorade up all the time for us, and we always wanted the Green. Green isn't on this list, which is funny because we'd always bitch and moan if we got Red, which also isn't on the list.


Odds on what color hoodie Bill Belichick wears

Blue: 4/11
Grey: 3/1
Red: 40/1
Field: 50/1

I will say that, if he shows up in a suit, it will be his last game. If he's ever going to dress up for a game, it will be that one.

Otherwise, I'm only comfortable when he wears the grey one.


Odds a fan throws a _____ on the field:

flare 15/1
slightly deflated football: 19/1
dildo: 45/1
dead falcon: 300/1

The flare may come from Bobcat Goldthwait's "He threw a lit flare into my car" bit from When Your Team Wins The Super Bowl. The football joke would only make Champagne Tom angry. The dil gets chucked on the field now and then, and is probably the safest bet on the list. I do not know whether it counts if the team has a pet Falcon who dies of fright when the New England Football Mil-ish-ee- uh gets to bangin' away with those muskets.

I can think of very few winged creatures who got involved with high profile sports games and didn't regret it immediately. The Randy Johnson/dove story is worse than the Dave Winfield/seagull story, and trails only Michael Vick hanging dogs and Kerry Von Erich giving a cat the Iron Claw. I'd bet against the dead falcon.


O/U on the number of times Gisele is shown on screen: 1.5

Giselle is never going to hurt any broadcast with a visual medium. Take the over.


O/U references to Deflategate/Spygate: 4.5

Again, the big theme of the game is Brady being judged innocent by God in a Trial of Ordeal relating to the Deflategate fiasco. Take the over. Remember, someone in the mob thinks that it's a fairly good bet that people will be throwing deflated footballs onto the field.


Odds Dan Quinn wears a hair piece during the game: 50/1

I read an article about Clive Rush, who coached the Pats during a bad season. He was later institutionalized.

One day, he was going up against Paul Brown, one of the all-time great coaches. He's who the Cleveland Browns are named after, and you'd have to check with Jim Brown's momma to make sure that Jim Brown isn't named after him as well.

"Paul Brown is a genius," Rush told his players. "Anything logical that I might try today, he has already anticipated it and developed a counter for it. Therefore, we shall do illogical things."

His big move was having guys run into the huddle, stay for 3 seconds, then run off the field at the last second. "He'll notice it, no doubt," said Rush. "I'm counting on that. He'll wonder why I'm doing it, and waste time he should waste thinking about me trying to solve that riddle instead.""

The Brown team (I think it was Cincy at that point) won by 35 points, as I recall.

That sort of logic, designed to confuse Bill Belichick, is the only way I see Quinn wearing a rug. Bald is beautiful, IMHO. Let it shine.


 O/U on the length of the broadcast: 215.5 minutes

Any number of things can drive this total up or down. I'd avoid this one like a leper whore, but I put the numbers up there for you to bet on.


O/U on the number of times FOX show stars are shown in the crowd during the broadcast: 1.5

If this were the 1997 Super Bowl, you could watch Ally McBeal binge-n-purge on some hot dogs.

I don't watch much normal TV, so- sadly- that is the most recent reference I can think up on this topic.


Over/Under number of sideline reports from Erin Andrews during the game broadcast (between the opening kickoff and the final play): 5.5

The only way you can see more of her is if you aim a camera into her hotel room, wokka wokka wokka...


Odds there is a halftime show wardrobe malfunction: 2/1

When Janet Jackson was disrobed by the NSYNCH kid during the halftime show, I was actually reaching down to dip a Tostito into some salsa. This was at a point in my life that I wasn't seeing many breasts. Sometimes, the world is a cruel and unjust place.

If we get a Lady Gaga warbrobe malfunction, does it count if she does it on purpose? I keep seeing her doing a "Grab THIS pussy, Donald!" type of protest. It's not always a bad thing to be on the Ugly list in some places, especially if 110 million people see you work your way onto it.


O/U on the number of guest performers during the halftime show: 0.5

Someone, be it Mick Jagger or Rihanna or Bey Bey or even Jimmy Page, is joining her for a song. You only need one with this bet.

I am curious if, should she bring out a midget, what a half a person counts as.


Odds on Lady Gaga’s opening halftime show song

The Edge Of Glory: 3/1
Perfect Illusion: 7/2
Born This Way: 4/1
Other: 2/1

The only Gaga song I know is the one that goes "La la la-la la," which I also am being told by Stacey's kids is every one of her songs.

Little Known Cranberry County Magazine fact... this column was originally a town reporter column on Cape Cod TODAY, we covered the town of Bourne, and we called it Bourne This Way. I had no idea it was a Gaga song for several of the years we were writing that column (I wanted the more Kubrickian "Bourne To Kill"), until Jessica finally explained it to me. The IP address on our Facebook page still says "Bourne This Way."


Odds Lady Gaga gets booed during the halftime show: 9/1

A very, very liberal performer who might 1) have a lip synch failure a la Ashley Simpson or Mariah Carey, or who might 2) make some sort of anti-Trump statement in a stadium full of can-afford-$2500-a-ticket Texas football fans... it's a lot like what they say about passing the football- three things can happen, and two of them are bad.


Odds on which company will air the first commercial (after the coin toss):

Bud Light: 25/1
Lexus: 30/1
Intel: 30/1
Skittles: 30/1
Wix: 30/1
TurboTax: 33/1
Avocados from Mexico: 35/1
Mr. Clean: 35/1
Hyundai: 500/1

I don't know what a Wix is, so I'd probably bet on the Bud Light.

Running an ad during the Super Bowl will cost you $5 million for 30 seconds.

"See it on the TV/any given Sunday/Win the Super Bowl, drive home in a Hyundai..."


O/U commercials parodying Donald Trump: 1.5

Does a White House press conference count? Those oily bastards might repeal Obamacare during the middle of the second quarter.


Odds on who is more likely to host Saturday Night Live following the Super Bowl:

Tom Brady: 1/19
Julio Jones: 25/1
Matt Ryan: 50/1
Bill Belichick: 5,000/1

The odds on Belichick (who would be superb at it, the perfect straight man for a Sandler/Farley/Belushi type of character) may be conservative.

"None of them" is the best option.


Odds Luke Bryan wears cowboy boots and blue jeans: 4/1

Your author, who won $50 once when Christina Aguilera wore pantyhose during a different National Anthem, should know the answer to this, but I don't know who Luke is and don't know how he dresses.

I assume that he's a country guy, and they don't wear anything but jeans and cowboy hats. What else is he going to wear? A full pimp outift? Camo? Hezbollah?


Odds of Lady Gaga making an anti-Trump political statement during her performance (visual or vocal): 10/13

This is a juicy one. Gaga is a fluff performer, known as much for her legs as her lungs. She did a perfectly nice National Anthem in the last Super Bowl without editing anything into the Francis Scott Key classic.

She could instantly change her image into something far more serious by taking a shot at Cheeto Jesus.

When betting money on this, please make sure that the line is clearly defined on"making an anti-Trump political statement" and "getting that anti-Trump political statement past the censors," especially if her protest involves soft furry things that Trump likes to grab.

It may add to your enjoyment of the National Anthem to know that it is a rewritten English drinking song, akin to Roll Out The Barrel. The guy who wrote it, Francis Scott Key, later had a son who was killed by a jealous husband. The killer, Union General Daniel Sickles, got acquitted by running the first Insanity defense in US legal history.

Sickles later had a leg blown off at Gettysburg, and is said to have refused pain-killing ether because lighting a cigar around ether may cause an explosion... and, uhm, first things first, mate.



- Abdullah