Regionalizing Southeastern Massachusetts

Life should be easier. That said, there sure are a lot of towns in Massachusetts. I'm not even considering the irrelevant parts out past Worcester. Eastern Massachusetts is bad enough.

I grew up in Duxbury, and eventually moved to Monponsett. Prior to my move to Monponsett, I had never heard of Monponsett. You could write that off to me being a moron, and you wouldn't be the first... but it also speaks to the theory that there are too many towns in eastern Massachusetts for a reasonable man to keep track of.

It didn't used to be this way. Various kings of England didn't have the ability to commit memorization time to all of those piddling towns in the Massachusetts swamps. The king was a busy man, and needed his memory for more pressing matters. Memory is finite. If a man who is obliged to breed within a limited pool of people knows where Rehoboth is, it means that he may not know who that pretty girl at his coronation is. He might mess around with the royal scepter and become his own uncle or something.

You are most likely playing for lower stakes than that, but it's still a pain if you have some auto parts or pizza or something to deliver, and neither you nor your GPS can really say whether you are in Marion, Wareham or Mattapoisett.

How would Henry VII handle that problem? Simple. Eliminate some variables, just like one of those mathematician guys. You gotta know stuff like that to be the king.

A man doesn't have to know where Wareham or Marion is if Wareham and Marion don't exist. Call the whole area "Rochester"... yeah, that's the ticket. This also saves a monarch the bother of learning how to spell "Mattapoisett." Just think regional.

Similar regional logic applied around the area eliminates bothersome memory issues in town-sized hunks. Not sure where Mansfield is? Sha-ZAM!!! No more Mansfield. Think that Cape Cod has too many towns? Ka-POW!!! Not any more.

Queen Anne probably didn't spend part of her thirties pumping gas, so I assume that she most likely had more on the ball than your faithful author here does. When she thought about her Massachusetts colonies, how did she visualize them?

This map may help:

We use the same basic map to describe this website's coverage area, although we refuse to give up Weymouth and Hull. I've had some luck dating in Weymouth, and Hull is just too damn cool to give up without a war. We even claim parts of Quincy. If the website makes more money or if we get an eager and well-located intern, we'll include the Islands.

This map of Plymouth Colony is very concise. 17 towns fill up what is now Plymouth, Britsol and Barnstable Counties. Bristol County has 20 towns today. It gets bothersome quickly. Honestly, can you really tell me where Berkley is? (Editor's Note: South Coast readers can substitute "Rockland" or "Holbrook" for "Berkley") You can see why the royals did what they did.

Would this work today?

Some problems do show up immediately. I'm sure that Brockton residents would love paying for Duxbury Beach seawall repairs. Padanaram residents would most likely not align politically with the meaner parts of Fall River. Plymouth seems too big, as does Middleboro, Dartmouth and Taunton. Governance of these areas would be unwieldy at best.

Other things stand out when pondering a shift to colonial-era town maps:

- Freetown, a backwater these days, is one of the Big 17 in this alternate reality. Rehoboth also seems to have extraordinary influence.

- Freetown (and parts of Fall River and Assonet) was purchased from the Wampanoags for "20 coats, two rugs, two iron pots, two kettles, one little kettle, eight pairs of shoes, six pairs of stockings, one dozen hoes, one dozen hatchets, and two yards of broadcloth."

-  Plymouth looks a bit like Brazil.

- Scituate and Duxbury both enjoy a unique status as America's first suburbs. Building there was most likely spurred by the Great Colonial Hurricane... which is too bad, because we liked the idea of Duxbury being founded because 1636 Plymouth was getting just a little bit too crowded for one Myles Standish.

- Cape Cod is reduced to five towns with this map... Eastham, Sandwich, Barnstable, Yarmouth and Falmouth.

- Swansea, a tiny town these days, was also tiny then. They would have nearly doubled in size if a dispute with Rhode Island was worked out in their favor. They were also serving as a buffer zone with the Wampanoag-dominated area of Mount Hope, sort of a colonial Latvia.

- I'm not sure how they had the Worcester area worked out, but let the record show that Southboro was (and still is) north of Middleboro.

- The Mayor of Duxbury Beach claims rulership over Duxbury and all lands west to (and including) Bridgewater State University. She refuses to accept the various actions of incorporation of the western towns.

- Brockton used to be part of Duxbury.

- I think that Marshfield's borders have been unchanged since a 1640 dispute with Duxbury over Green Harbor was ironed out.

- Taunton could have built a Norton/Easton/Mansfield-sized casino within their original borders.

- Route 3 would have touched Scituate in this political (map) climate.

April Storm Tide, Final Snow Of Season?

Fans of the stormy weather will enjoy this weekend's entertainment, if they are situated well enough and don't mind staying up all night.

A storm will slide south of New England tonight, and her northern fringe may give the South Coast and Cape Cod a bit of snow. An inch would be the high end figure, and the snow would be more notable for being a strong candidate for the last snow of the year.

April snow isn't that crazy. We've had a blizzard on April Fool's Day, I saw nearly two feet in Worcester on April 28th once, and the Boston record is May 10th.

However, April snow falls at a time when we are tired of winter and looking forward to spring. The last thing a New Englander who doesn't write about weather for a living wants in April is snow.

Again, this storm will mostly precipitate on the fishes, with only the Cape and the extreme South Coast getting any Siberian Marching Powder. Nantucket and the Outer Cape look like the best bet to get enough to make a snowball with.

The South Shore may get left out of the snowfall, but they'll have a shot at some coastal flooding overnight. The storm will produce heavy winds (gusts well over tropical storm force), and they will be coming N/NE at the time of high tide.

Those tides will be very high. Seriously, look:

Duxbury Beach, 1:43 AM, 12.2 feet

Scituate Harbor, 1:52 AM, 11.5 feet

Brant Rock, 1:56 AM, 11.7 feet

Hull Bay, 1:55 AM, 12.2 feet

Manomet Point, 1:40 AM, 12.2 feet

Scusset Beach, 1:44 M, 12.2 feet

Sandwich Town Beach, 1:43 AM, 12.2 feet

Cold Storage Beach (Dennis), 1:46 AM, 12.2 feet

Provincetown, 1:56 AM, 11.8 feet

The storm won't be on us long enough or hard enough (some winds will be more N than the more feared NE) to really tear up the coastline, but splashover tides are bad news in low-lying coastal neighborhoods. When I lived on Duxbury Beach, we used to run the sump pumps 24 hours in a row for a few days during the April high tides, and that was without a storm piling up water onto the shore.

 A 12.2 foot high tide means that, if you stood stock still with your toes at the edge of the water exactly at low tide, you'd be under 12.2 feet of water in the same spot at high tide. The average tide is about 8 or 9 feet, and this waning new moon tide of 12.2 is trouble.

The winds will make a 1-2 foot storm surge on top of all that moon tide stuff, and the worst of it will be along a Hull-to-Bourne-to Orleans run. Let's guess at a Scituate-to-Duxbury epicenter.

Again, never clean up coastal yards until late April at the earliest, Landlubber.

If you live on the coast and are up at that hour, feel free to send us a pic at our Facebook page, we'll maybe do an article Sunday morning if I get out at that wicked time of the night.

We'll also be getting what is presently believed to be the last freezing weather in SE Massachusetts.

This little cold snap has been the result of a polar vortex sending Canada air down to us. As that vortex breaks down, we start getting Oregon air... which doesn't sound that great until you recall the Santa stuff we've been getting every time it snows in April.

From what I see on the Accuweather month-long forecast for Buzzards Bay, there will be no more days where the temperature falls below freezing. When that skim coating of snow on your lawn melts, winter will be over by every conceivable measure.

Look a this way... Opening Day at Fenway is Monday. The Boston Marathon is a week after that. Memorial Day is six weeks after that. Summer is about 3 weeks after that.

You can handle this.

South Coast-al Flooding Tonight, Snow Saturday Night?

It sure has been a wild weather week, and it will only get worse as we head through the weekend.

Remember, it snowed earlier this week. That was an April snow, and it was a top 20 event for April snow in some locales. We then ad our temperatures plunge, which also approached some records. After that, the wind kicked in.

I'm watching a tree in my neighbor's yard, and it looks 50/50 on toppling. I'm sort of East of it, and it looks like it will topple North. If this column ends suddenly on, that's probably what happened.

We have a Gale Warning for the ships at sea, and a Wind Advisory for the landlubbers. Winds will gust from the S/SW near 50 MPH today through about 9 PM or so. This wind could take down some tree limbs and cause isolated power outages. It would be worse if there was snow, but we'll get to snow in a moment.

We also have a Coastal Flood Advisory for south-facing beaches and the people who love them. High tides will be between 8:30 and 9:30 for most spots. This is the spring new moon tide, always trouble for anyone on the coast, especially if there is a big wind.

Minor to moderate coastal flooding is possible, as the winds are really making the seas angry, my friend. This flooding won't knock down your house, but it can still cause all sorts of trouble. a 2 foot storm surge is possible, thanks to Wendy Gust.

As always, we do try to remind coastal residents in our coverage area to never do yard work until (at the earliest) late April. Having to hustle to get the yard ready for Mother's Day or Memorial Day sucks, but it's harder to do the job twice when we get one of those Ides Of April storms.

After that, we get a night's rest, and then we can start worrying about the snow that may be coming Saturday night. One of those Alberta Clipper things will streak south of us, and her northern fringe may put us in the powder on April friggin' 9th.

It may start as rain, but it should turn to snow as the storm pulls away from 'Murica and the cold air piles in behind it. We could be in the 20s overnight Saturday.

Opening Day at ol' Fenway is Monday. The Boston Marathon is a week from Monday.

This won't be a snowstorm that buries you to the point where somebody has to go get a St. Bernard dog. It would most likely be a coating to an inch, and that indeterminate total will mostly fall south of Boston.

The snow, should we get it, would be notable more for her timing than her ferocity. We're taking April 9th into April 10th, folks. Wishing for a beach day, getting a snow day.... ayup.

Here's a forecast map of the Clipper going off the coast on Saturday, with most of MA already getting snow:

Sonic Expanding Into Massachusetts

Smithfield, RI

I have friends who don't eat fast food in any form. They're the smart ones, no doubt, and nature should reward them with longer lives and slimmer waistlines. Pulling into one of these fast food joints literally takes minutes from your lifespan... but we're all dying at some point, right?

Once you go all in and commit, part of the fast food lifestyle is discriminating between different brands. Some people have no brand loyalty at all. Others will deliver an Eff Wendy's rant while holding a quarter pounder that, when you peel the bun off of it, looks like that Noriega guy who used to run Panama.

What kills the fast food lifestyle for many is the paucity of choices. You have the King, you have Wendy, and you have Ronald. If your town or mall rules, you may also have a KFC or a Taco Bell... maybe even both in one store! The presence of a KFC/Taco Bell nearby was a selling point for me when I moved to Buzzards Bay, although this was before I met Jessica and started getting food that comes from the stove and so forth. A man can get used to that.

You still have to pull off the highway and get lunch in 3 minutes sometimes, and I cook poorly enough to invoke a situation where a Happy Meal is a safer nutritional choice than me trying to not burn chicken. At worst, Logan can at least make money suing McDonald's.

Now, Logan will also have the opportunity to get salmonella or Legionnaire's Disease from a new restaurant. Sonic Drive-In is setting her sights upon the virgin territory of New England.

Also known as Sonic, the Oklahoma burger joint has been spreading across the nation since her 1950s inception. She has been slow to come to New England, with just 4 stores in Massachusetts (Peabody, Lawerence, Wilmington and Stoughton) and one in Smithfield, Rhode Island. That ish is about to change, Big Man.

Sonic is expanding the franchise to Somerset, Massachusetts. My sources tell me that the new store opens on April 13th, just one week from when I'm typing this. You'll have to leave pretty early to beat me there. I've never even seen a Sonic, despite going to Florida recently (the only low-rent meal I had there was at a strip bar right when we got off the plane), and I'm long overdue.

I'm being told just now that they also have one working for nearby Swansea. Fall River and New Betty can't be far behind, at that point. Somerset was a bit behind schedule.

The chain has plans to open 36 franchises in the Greater Boston area. "Greater Boston" technically means the eastern third of Massachusetts sans the South Coast and Cape Cod, but it can mean whatever you need it to mean if you think that one will hit it big in Hyannis. I've even read estimates as high s 40 in some articles.They also plan for a smaller amount of franchises in New Hamster and Maine.

You'd better bring a lot of green to the Sonic man if you want to open a franchise. Don't even bother calling unless you have two milly in the bank. My people tell me that it would cost a million to build one up from the ground, or a half million to turn a financially-faltering Wendy's-type building into a Sonic.

If you hurry and establish one before anyone else within 50 miles does, you could have a novelty hit on your hands. Buzzards Bay should try to get one, it would really help their Main Street out.

From what I can see on the Sonic menu, it's the same garbage that you see at the other joints. Burgers, chicken strips, chicken sandwiches, hot dogs, fries and so forth.

They seem to have 8 different burgers, the most impressive being one mashed between two pieces of Texas toast. They also have 8 different kinds of hot dogs, each worse than the last.

They do have cool side order options, including chili fries, onion rings (a must in SE Massachusetts and extra-especially in Rhode Island)  and mother-loving tater tots. They seem to be shake and slush focused for drinks, although I'm sure that you can get a Coke if you need one.

They also have a Taco Bell-ian/Burger King-ish breakfast menu, but you gotta draw the line somewhere, kids.

If your burger sucks (and if you're armed), why not see if you can throw it into the face of the guy in the car next to you?

UPDATE: This column went to the Smithfield Sonic! We had just taken Twin River for a quick $150, and decided to live large for a meal.

You can go inside, or you can pull up to an individualized service screen parking spot. They have people who skate the food out to you... or run it out if you go when it's raining, like we did.

I do wonder if enough kids roller skate these days to fully staff a Sonic in a small ton. At least the Somerset one is within skating distance of Fall River.

If you eat inside, they take your order, give you a number, and run it out to you when it's ready.

I felt just like Richard Petty!

The food blows pretty hard, like the mighty North wind. We only have ourselves to blame, as we just got a Coney (what they call hot dogs), fries and a strawberry-banana shake. The shake was really good, I wish that I had another right now.

The food?

The hot dog was around the quality of what you'd get at a Food Mart-style gas station if you were fortunate enough to grab one right when it neared optimal temperature. The french fries had a Wal-Mart Great Value sort of taste and appearance, but they're edible if you hide them in ketchup. I did have a seagull refuse one, a first for me.

It stayed down, which is saying something. I can see a lot of this food being regurgitated out of a car window on side streets in Smithfield by people who stopped at a Sonic after a day spent defeating a 30 pack.

Mobil-riffic!

That's why they grow the more powerful strains of marijuana, folks.

I don't believe that they are endorsed by the hedgehog from the video game, although it seems that he'd work cheap and would be a natural. He might be in PETA or something.

Some franchises never take off in New England. Krispy Kreme is the most famous example, as New Englanders violently prefer Dunkin' Donuts. You also don't see Papa John, Domino's or Pizza Hut survive here long... we have too many serious Italians and Greeks running house-of-pizza shops around here to tolerate processed pizza. Taco Bell, however, usually does well wherever they put it.

How will Sonic fare? Only time will tell. I hear that Smithfield does 500 orders a day. I have no idea if that is a profitable rate.

Even with a poor review from this column, it behooves the fast food ninja to make the hajj to whatever Sonic opens near your home town. I wouldn't recommend driving to Rhode Island from Plymouth to get some Sonic, unless they open one in Wareham or Kingston.

We only got Sonic because we were gambling nearby, This is important, as we knew that we were writing a Sonic article, and we weren't planning to bother with the drive from Buzzards Bay. Things worked out for the best.

April Snow On Cape Cod, South Shore

Buttermilk Bay, Bourne MA

We're getting a bit of April Snow. This won't amount to much, but it's still notable.

Coastal Massachusetts has a tendency towards not getting April snow... but when we get it, we get a lot of it (see: April Fool's Blizzard, 1997)... this is looking like an inch or two.

If we get a warm spell before a late season blizzard, it's a Strawberry Spring. Most of us know it from the Stephen King story, and I'm not sure if he made it up for the story or if he took it from local folklore. Either way, the event needs a name, and King has sort of meritorious naming rights to whatever he sets his mind to.

We may get snow tomorrow as well. Aril 4th is late for snow, but it does look like the last of the season. This snow is probably not the best of news for the Cape's blooming stuff.

Trying and failing to get pics of the snowflakes, which are getting up to near-baseball card size.

Mann Farm cranberry bog, Buzzards Bay MA... FGW wind turbine, Plymouth MA.... low visibility

From Sara Flynn, off of Pine Point on Duxbury Beach...

Little Buttermilk Bay, Bourne MA

This tree is saggin'...

Little Buttermilk Bay, sad tree, Bourne MA

NWS Snowfall Map for this storm

Snow Delay... Legion Field, Bridgewater, MA (Michelle McIssac photo)

The Great Salt Marsh (Skirt Meadow/Meadows for all of you map freaks), Duxbury MA, also by Sara Flynn...

More to come...

A Bit Of April Snow For You?

Maybe we were a bit hasty with that Last Snow headline in late March...

It seems that we have not one but TWO snow events coming at us... and that's just through Monday morning. Although some April snow is newsworthy, the real story will be the combo of wind and cold heading for us.

We were pushing 70 degrees around here on Thursday and Friday. We'll be in the 20s on Sunday, with places north of us diving into the teens.

We also want to tag in now to let you know that there is a chance of coastal flooding at the end of next week. We'll get to that in a second.

Why not let the National Weather Service explain? They just published a detailed forecast for the whole active weather period. They use ALL CAPS, so it is obviously important stuff of which they speak:

RAIN TODAY WITH THE POSSIBILITY OF ISOLATED THUNDERSTORMS ACROSS
THE INTERIOR. INTENSE STORM SYSTEM EARLY SUNDAY MORNING. BURST OF
ACCUMULATING SNOW LIKELY. HURRICANE FORCE WINDS POSSIBLE. THEN AN
UNSEASONABLY COLD AIRMASS OVERSPREADS THE REGION SUNDAY AFTERNOON
AND NIGHT WITH BLUSTERY NORTHWEST WINDS. ANOTHER LOW PRESSURE
TRACKS OVER OR NEAR THE SOUTH COAST OF NEW ENGLAND
MONDAY...BRINGING THE RISK FOR ANOTHER ROUND OF ACCUMULATING SNOW
TO THE AREA. DRYING TREND TUE BUT REMAINING UNSEASONABLY COLD.
MODERATING TEMPERATURES MID TO LATE NEXT WEEK BUT ALSO THE RISK OF
WET WEATHER.

&&

.NEAR TERM /UNTIL 6 PM THIS EVENING/...

7 AM UPDATE ...

NOT MUCH CHANGE FROM PREVIOUS FORECAST. RAIN SHIELD /MAINLY LIGHT/
CONTINUES TO OVERSPREAD RI AND EASTERN MA...WITH LITTLE IF ANY
RAIN NORTHWEST OF BOSTON TO PROVIDENCE CORRIDOR. FOR WHAT IT/S
WORTH THE 06Z NAM AND GFS BOTH TRENDED HEAVIER WITH RAINFALL LATER
THIS MORNING AND EARLY AFTERNOON ACROSS RI AND EASTERN MA. LOW
CONFIDENCE ON THIS SCENARIO WILL CONTINUE TO LEAN TOWARD LIGHT TO
PERHAPS MODERATE RAIN AT TIMES...HEAVIEST RI AND EASTERN MA WITH
LIGHTER RAIN ACROSS CT AND WESTERN-CENTRAL MA.

ONLY CHANGE TO THE FORECAST WAS TO LOWER HOURLY TEMPS A BIT AS
RAIN HAS LOWERED TEMPS CLOSER TO THEIR WET BULB VALUES. OTHERWISE
PREVIOUS FORECAST ON TRACK. EARLIER DISCUSSION BELOW.

===================================================================

INITIAL LIGHT TO MODERATE RAINFALL EVENT FOLLOWED UP BY A SWEEPING
COLD FRONT AND SOME CONVECTIVE SHOWERS.

SO WITH THE FIRST SYSTEM...WAVE LOW DEVELOPS ALONG THE STALLED
FRONTAL BOUNDARY OFFSHORE PARENT WITH STOUT MID LEVEL ENERGY AND
FORCING THROUGH THE OVERALL BROAD CYCLONIC TROUGH. GREATEST POP
CHANCES AND RAINFALL S AND E CLOSER TO THE SKIRTING WAVE LOW. MUCH
OF THE ACTIVITY EARLY MORNING INTO MIDDAY.

THEN SECONDLY...ATTENTION TURNS N/W WITH THE FIRST IN A SERIES OF
LOW PRESSURE CENTERS THAT BEGIN THE PROCESS OF DRAGGING COLDER AIR
ACROSS OUR REGION. IN TANDEM WITH A SWEEPING COLD FRONT WILL SEE THE
BOUNDARY LAYER COOL AND BECOME UNSTABLE UP TO H6. IF THE 24-HR HRRR
IS CORRECT...LOOKING AT CONVECTIVE SHOWER DEVELOPMENT AHEAD OF THE
FRONT ESPECIALLY ACROSS THE N/W/CENTRAL INTERIOR. STRONG LOW-MID
LEVEL FORCING TO THE TOP OF THE LAYER AROUND -20C COULD RESULT IN
GRAUPEL / SMALL HAIL WITH THESE SHOWERS ALONG WITH LIGHTNING...AS
WELL AS 20-30 MPH GUSTS. THREATS EXACERBATED IF WE SEE CLEARING
BETWEEN THE S STREAM WAVE LOW AND N STREAM SWEEPING COLD FRONT. WITH
ANY THUNDER MENTIONED IN THE FORECAST WILL APPEND GUSTY WINDS AND
SMALL HAIL. THREATS SWEEPING NW TO SE DURING THE LATER HALF OF THE
DAY INTO EVENING. INSTABILITY NOT AS ROBUST AS FRIDAY...SO THINKING
STORMS WILL NOT REACH WARNING CRITERIA.

OVERALL A MOSTLY CLOUDY AND COOL DAY IN ADDITION TO THE WET WEATHER.
HIGHS INTO THE 50S.

.SHORT TERM /6 PM THIS EVENING THROUGH 6 PM SUNDAY/...

TONIGHT INTO SUNDAY...

 * STRONG TO DAMAGING WINDS NEAR HURRICANE FORCE POSSIBLE
 * WIND ADVISORY / HIGH WIND WATCH POSTED
 * CONVECTIVE SNOWS POSSIBLE WITH ACCUMULATIONS 1 TO 3 INCHES
 * STORM FORCE WINDS ACROSS THE WATERS

SNOW BURST EARLY SUNDAY MORNING INTO MIDDAY ACCOMPANIED WITH STRONG
TO DAMAGING WINDS. WILL BE AN UNPRECEDENTED RARE EVENT INCORPORATING
RAPID CYCLOGENESIS...INTENSE LIFT...AND ACCUMULATING SNOWS AS WELL
AS THE LIKELIHOOD OF THUNDERSNOW. SHOULD SEE IMPACTS TAPER DOWNWARD
LATE AFTERNOON INTO SUNDAY EVENING. AFRAID MANY ARE GOING TO BE
CAUGHT OFF-GUARD WITH THE LATE SEASON SNOW. WILL HIT ON THE DETAILS
BELOW AS BEST AS POSSIBLE.

POTENT VORTEX OUT OF THE GREAT LAKES REGION CYCLONICALLY DIGGING S
OF NEW ENGLAND INVOKES INTENSE CYCLOGENESIS ALONG THE S-SHORELINE.
THIS WHILE DRAGGING CONSIDERABLY COLDER AIR ACROSS THE REGION WITH
H85 TEMPERATURES FALLING -10 TO -15C NEAR RECORD BREAKING PER LOCAL
SOUNDING CLIMATOLOGY. STRONG LOW TO MID FORCING ABOVE SURFACE INFLOW
AND BENT-BACK WARM FRONT WITH COLD AIR ADVECTION REARWARD RESULTING
IN THE ATMOSPHERIC COLUMN BECOMING SUPER-ADIABATIC / UNSTABLE UP TO
H6 BENEATH THE TROPOPAUSE FOLD. ENSEMBLE CLIMATOLOGICAL PERCENTILES
SHOWING THIS EVENT TO BE NEAR OR AT ALL-TIME HISTORICAL MINIMUMS...
IMPRESSIVELY ANOMALOUS.

TEMPERATURES / PRECIPITATION INTENSITY....CRITICAL WITH THIS EVENT
IS THE PRECIPITATION INTENSITY DETERMINING PRECIPITATION TYPE...AS
WELL AS 2M SURFACE TEMPERATURES. WILL DRIVE SUCH TEMPERATURES CLOSE
TO IF NOT AT THE WET-BULB DURING EXPECTED TIME-FRAME OF INTENSE
PRECIPITATION. INITIAL RAIN WHICH HAS INSTABILITY TO WORK WITH AS
THE COLUMN BEGINS TO COOL TO COULD YIELD GRAUPEL/SMALL HAIL WITH
ANY THUNDERSTORMS. BRIEF BEFORE CHANGING OVER QUICKLY TO A INTENSE
SNOWFALL.

SNOWFALL...ALONG SHORES EXPECT LITTLE IF ANY ACCUMULATION ADJACENT
TO WARMER WATERS. LOW ELEVATIONS EXPECTING SLUSHY ACCUMULATIONS ON
ELEVATED / GRASSY SURFACES WITH WET ROADWAYS. AND FINALLY N/W AND
ACROSS HIGH TERRAIN WITH COLDER TEMPERATURES THERE IS A GREATER
OPPORTUNITY AND MORE CONCERN FOR SNOW ACCUMULATION ON ALL SURFACES
WITH HIGHEST SNOWFALL AMOUNTS ATOP BERKSHIRES / WORCESTER HILLS.
SNOW EXPECTED TO OCCUR QUICKLY...IN A SHORT DURATION...ON THE ORDER
OF 1 TO 2 HOURS. STORM TOTAL ACCUMULATIONS 1 TO 3 INCHES AWAY FROM
THE COASTAL PLAINS.

THUNDERSNOW...PRECIPITATION SHOULD BE INTENSE CONSIDERING THE SUPER-
ADIABATIC / UNSTABLE LAPSE RATES. BENEATH THE POTENT VORTEX YIELDING
RAPID CYCLOGENESIS...LOOKING AT LIFT OF 50 MICROBARS PER SECOND IN
SNOW GROWTH REGIONS. DEFINITELY A SIGNAL FOR THUNDERSNOW. WILL PUT
AN ISOLATED MENTION INTO THE FORECAST. INTENSE ENOUGH...WOULD EXPECT
SNOW ACCUMULATION ON A MAJORITY OF SURFACES...EVEN AT THE LOWER
ELEVATIONS. COULD SEE 1 INCH PER HOUR SNOWFALL RATES. COMPLEX TO
FORECAST.

WINDS...INTENSE PRESSURE COUPLET YIELDING HURRICANE FORCE WINDS AT
H925 ACROSS NJ / DELMARVA EXTENDING ON UP ACROSS SE NEW ENGLAND AS
THE STORM EXITS LATE MORNING TO MIDDAY SUNDAY. WITH INCREDIBLY STEEP
LAPSE RATES...UNDOUBTEDLY A MAGNITUDE OF SUCH WINDS WILL MIX DOWN TO
THE SURFACE. 35 TO 55 MPH WINDS ACROSS INTERIOR NEW ENGLAND N TO S
WITH 50 TO 70 MPH WINDS ACROSS RHODE ISLAND AS WELL AS E/SE MASS.
HIGH CONFIDENCE FOR WIND ADVISORY CONDITIONS OVER ALL S NEW ENGLAND.
LOWER CONFIDENCE ON WHERE EXACTLY HIGH WIND WARNING CRITERIA WILL
BE MET. WENT WITH A WATCH OVER E/SE NEW ENGLAND.

.LONG TERM /SUNDAY NIGHT THROUGH FRIDAY/...

HIGHLIGHTS...

* VERY ACTIVE WEATHER PATTERN NEXT 7 DAYS

* TEMPERATURES - UNSEASONABLY COLD FOR EARLY APRIL SUNDAY THROUGH
  WEDNESDAY...THEN MODERATING LATE NEXT WEEK

* PRECIPITATION - ACCUMULATING SNOW LIKELY MONDAY ALONG WITH OCEAN
  EFFECT SNOW SHOWERS EASTERN MA TUE MORNING. OTHERWISE DRY TUE INTO
  WED FOLLOWED BY WET WEATHER LATE NEXT WEEK

SUNDAY NIGHT ... MODELS HAVE SPED UP THE ARRIVAL OF THE NEXT SYSTEM
WITH SNOW POSSIBLY BEGINNING BEFORE SUNRISE MONDAY ACROSS WESTERN
PORTIONS OF CT AND MA. THUS TEMPS SUN NGT WILL NOT BE AS COLD AS
PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT. ALTH STILL UNSEASONABLY COLD. OTHERWISE DRY
WEATHER PREVAILS MUCH OF THE NIGHT WITH A VERY COLD AIRMASS IN
PLACE WITH TEMP ANOMALIES AT 925 AND 850 ABOUT -2 STANDARD
DEVIATIONS COLDER THAN CLIMO. THIS WILL RESULT IN TEMPS FALLING
INTO THE 20S REGIONWIDE ALONG WITH A FEW UPPER TEENS ACROSS
NORTHWEST MA. NORMAL OVERNIGHT LOWS SHOULD BE 30- 35 FOR EARLY
APRIL.

MONDAY ... AS MENTIONED ABOVE MODEL GUIDANCE HAS SPED UP ARRIVAL AND
DEPARTURE OF SNOW FROM FRONTAL WAVE. 00Z GFS IS ON THE NORTHERN EDGE
OF THE GUID WITH SFC LOW TRACKING ALONG THE SOUTH COAST...RESULTING
IN PTYPE ISSUES /RAIN & SNOW/ ACROSS CT/RI AND SOUTHEAST MA.
MEANWHILE REMAINDER OF GUID INCLUDING 00Z NAM/ECMWF/GEFS AND 12Z EPS
ARE FARTHER SOUTH AND COLDER. GIVEN TIME RANGE HERE AND SMALL
FRONTAL SCALE SYSTEM A MODEL BLEND IS LIKELY MOST SKILLFUL. THUS
WILL USE A BLEND APPROACH HERE. REGARDING QPF...00Z ECMWF/GFS/GEFS
AND 12Z EPS SUPPORT POTENTIAL QPF OF 0.20 TO 0.50 INCHES ACROSS THE
REGION. PRELIMINARY SNOW FORECAST VERY DIFFICULT AT THIS TIME RANGE
ESPECIALLY WITH SMALL FRONTAL WAVE IN ADDITION TO POTENTIAL PTYPE
ISSUES. FURTHERMORE ACCUMULATING SNOW ON PAVED SURFACES IN APRIL SNOW
EVENTS /HIGH SUN ANGLE...WARM GROUND AND LONGER DAYS THAN NIGHTS/
HINGE ON INTENSITY OF QPF. IF INTENSITY IS LACKING MOST ACCUMULATION
IS CONFINED TO THE COLDER SURFACES/HIGHER TERRAIN AND SECONDARY
ROADS. JUST TOO EARLY FOR ANY INSIGHT WHERE HEAVIER SNOW BANDS
WOULD POTENTIALLY SETUP. STAY TUNED.

MON NIGHT AND TUESDAY ... VERY PROGRESSIVE SYSTEM SO A DRYING TREND
THIS PERIOD. THE EXCEPTION WILL BE OVER COASTAL PLYMOUTH
COUNTY...CAPE COD AND NANTUCKET WHERE NORTHEAST WINDS AND STEEP LOW
LEVEL LAPSE RATES LIKELY RESULT IN OCEAN EFFECT SNOW BANDS. THIS IS
COURTSEY OF VERY COLD AIR ADVECTING IN ON BACKSIDE OF DEPARTING
SURFACE WAVE. IN FACT THIS AIRMASS WILL BE JUST AS COLD IF NOT
COLDER THAN SUNDAY/SUNDAY NIGHT/S AIRMASS WITH H85 TEMPS DOWN TO -
15C 12Z TUE! OTHERWISE EXPECT A VERY CHILLY DAY TUE WITH MUCH OF THE
AREA DRY WITH THE EXCEPTION OF SOUTHEAST MA AS MENTIONED ABOVE. VERY
BLUSTERY IN THE MORNING ACROSS SOUTHEAST MA WITH DEPARTING WAVE AND
1033 MB HIGH ENTERING THE GREAT LAKES.

WED ... LOOKS TO BE A TRANSITION DAY WITH COLD ANOMALOUS TROF
MOVING OFFSHORE AND HIGH PRES BUILDING INTO THE REGION. OFF TO A
COLD START BUT AIRMASS MODIFYING DURING THE DAY. DRY WEATHER
SHOULD PREVAIL BUT RISK OF PRECIP WED NIGHT PENDING SPEED OF NEXT
UPSTREAM SYSTEM.

THURSDAY AND FRIDAY ... COLD ANOMALOUS TROUGH MOVES OFFSHORE SO
TEMPS WILL REBOUND TO MORE SEASONAL LEVELS /50S/. HOWEVER MEAN
TROUGH RELOADS OVER THE GREAT LAKES AND OH VLY. THIS RESULTS IN A
STRONG FRONTAL BOUNDARY APPROACHING THE REGION WITH STRONG WAA
PATTERN INTO SRN NEW ENG. MODELS THEN DIFFER ON LATITUDE OF FRONTAL
WAVE DEVELOPING ON THE FRONT. NONETHELESS UNSETTLED WEATHER LATE
NEXT WEEK. ALSO WILL HAVE TO WATCH INTENSITY AND DURATION OF ANY
COASTAL LOW/FRONTAL WAVE AS ASTRONOMICAL TIDES ARE VERY HIGH...12.0+
FT AT BOSTON. HENCE RISK OF COASTAL FLOODING.

Headless Alligator Found In Westport, And Alligators Up North In General

Some cold-hearted SOB cut off an alligator's head and dumped it in the woods of Westport yesterday. This is an astonishing act of animal cruelty, and the Westport police are asking for any help that the public might be able to offer. Call them at 508-636-1122 if you know something.

Why would someone own an alligator? Why would they cut off the head from it like it was MacBeth or something?

Well, I can see why someone would want to own one. Alligators are cool. Its like having a baby dinosaur. However, there is immense difficulty in having a gator around the house, and only serious people should consider it.

When non-serious people own them, they end up headless in the forest.

I did a bit of research on decapitating alligators. I thought it might be a Santeria thing, but nothing I dug up on Santerian animal sacrifices includes alligators. My sources might just have a passing interest in Santeria and not be aware of the Santeria Alligator Sacrifice Ritual, but I don't have enough to even start slurring Santeria people.

Headless alligators turn up in Florida and Louisiana now and then. Several sources are mentioned... poachers, trophy-hunters, fishermen who hooked a protected species and didn't want to talk to the park ranger about it... and even some guy who was injured (or perhaps had a relative killed) by an alligator, who now holds an Ahab/Quint-style grudge against the species in general. It could have been the work of a Florida State fan trying to send a message to his Florida fan neighbor.

Of course, not a lick of that makes sense in Westport, Massachusetts. The alligator poaching scene here is somewhat limited by the fact that alligators are not found in the wild in Massachusetts. Not many fishermen hook them up here for the same reason, and that low number is even bested by the paucity of people who come to Massachusetts looking to kill wild alligators for trophies. Ahab or Quint would know better than to hunt Gator here, and the 'Noles/Gator argument looks like a long shot.

That leaves one obvious answer, and one wild guess.

Wild guess first... has anybody ever had alligators fight? You know, like pits or chickens? Starve them, tell them one gator said something about the other's sister... get 'em mad enough to fight? Bet on it? Sort of like Jacco Macacco meets Wally Gator, while filming Bloodsport.

The animal lover in me beats it down, but before it goes down, the part of me that would like to see two alligators fight gets a few words off.

OK, two wild guesses... alligator meat sells for $19.99 a pound.

The more obvious answer is that somebody went all Sleepy Hollow on a pet. You can buy alligators easily enough. You can get one here (when in stock) for $149.99, no questions asked... at least not at the alligator store. Your wife or landlord may not share your enthusiasm for a pet alligator when it is as large as the sofa, eating X pounds of meat a week, sh*tting wherever the f*ck it wants, and maybe kinda possibly most likely might be responsible for the missing Schnauzer.

A decent man, when faced with that scenario, will try to sell the alligator through whatever channels used alligator sales move through. If that fails, he should man up and call the town's Natural Resources Officer to get the gator taken care of. It is illegal to own a gator in Massachusetts.

At that point, the less than decent man has to resolve the Ol' Yeller quandary... sure, you can lock Ol' Yeller out in the barn and let the rabies do him in... or you can do the humane thing, take him out behind the barn, and put a hole in his head like Dig-Dug.

I don't think that alligators get rabies, but if the wife issues an ultimatum, the effect on the gator's longevity is similar to that of Ol' Yeller. You can loose him into a Massachusetts lake in March to slowly freeze to death, or you can make the ending quick and painless.

That scenario gives too much credit to the man in the Westport case, who may also have killed it just so he could make a trophy of the head or jaws.

I have no idea, which is why they pay detectives to figure out stuff like this.

How about a quick quiz? The answers will be at the end of the article.

Which Sorts Of Wildlife Can You Own In Massachusetts?

1) Tilapia?

2) Piranha?

3) Northern Leopard Frog?

4) Fathead Minnow?

5) Red-eared Slider Turtle?

6) Boa Constrictor?

7) Reticulated Python?

8) Anaconda?

9) Ridge-tailed Monitor Lizard?

10) Komodo Dragon?

11) Emu?

12) Ostrich?

13) Southern Flying Squirrel? (I won't give it away, but owning the moose is illegal)

14) Water Buffalo?

15) Wolf-Dog Hybrids?

Imagine if the Westport alligator's owner got the speech from his girl in July, and decided to just let it loose into, say, Long Pond in Lakeville?  As we kick it around here, remember that I'm not a herpetologist, and that this is more Edutainment than an actual expert speaking to you.

Alligators, according to my 45 seconds of research, can be active in temperatures as low as 40 degrees. 40 degrees may kill weaker alligators, while a stronger one will seek a warmer microclimate in which to do his alligator stuff. When he gets chilly, he brummates... which is a sort of less torpid version of hibernating. A lake gator in Massachusetts wouldn't live long, but for a spell, he'd be unchallenged on the top of the food chain... unless he went swimming with a great white shark.

Long Pond is a warmwater pond, covering 1700 acres. It's the largest pond in our region, and one of the largest in Massachusetts. It's the drinking water for New Bedford.

Long Pond was last surveyed in June of 1990 when fisheries crews found largemouth bass,
bluegill, chain pickerel, yellow perch, white perch, pumpkinseed, white sucker, alewife, blueback
herring, brown bullhead, golden shiner, tessellated darter, lake chubsucker and bridle shiner. A few
walleyes are occasionally taken in Long Pond River. Thanks to Mass,gov for the pond map.

I have no idea how cold or warm Long Pond gets (this chart shows what sort of fish prefer which temperatures of water, and you can sort of cross-reference what the summer water temperature may be in lakes that they inhabit), although I have read tales of released pet alligators surviving in southern Ohio.

I don't know how much fish an alligator needs. I have read that a meal goes a long way with a gator, and that a 1000 pound alligator will need less food in a year than a 100 pound dog requires.

The horror movie starts when he can't catch enough fish to survive. He might be able to snatch a deer as it gets a drink, but this isn't an Africa savannah with herds of antelope all drinking at once. Deer are also nocturnal, a time when Ali Gator would be brummating. No local animal has a defense mechanism response set for alligator attacks.

There are also families living in houses on the lake. Alligators have killed 26 Americans since 1970, and have maimed even more people. Even a 7 footer is perfectly capable of dragging away and killing a full-grown man. Alligators generally flee when humans approach, but if he's hangry or something... hey, time for some People Food!

An alligator in a Massachusetts lake with an acquired taste for human flesh would launch a bigger manhunt than a Chechnya brothers APB. We would be unable to call upon Steve Irwin. We'd have to solve this problem ourselves.

QUIZ ANSWERS!

1) Illegal

2) Illegal

3) Legal

4) Legal

5) Illegal

6) Legal

7) Illegal

8) Illegal

9) Legal

10) Illegal

11) Legal

12) Legal

13) Legal

14) Legal

15) Illegal