Sunday Drive Gas Prices, Cape Cod

The life experiences of staff motivate much of what turns up in this column. That is the case today, as the void left by the end of Football Season has fully asserted itself and it is not unusual for your author to take to the streets.

That costs money, because to get gasoline you must have dead organisms (mostly plant life, but yes, dinosaurs too) get buried under layers of stone and dirt, have it heated and pressurized by the functions of the Earth, wait 10 million years, have a bunch of PLO looking dudes move in over it, have someone figure out that you can burn this stuff in a manner that heats homes and powers machinery, subjugate the PLO guys, extract, refine, ship and distribute it.

It takes a lot of time and money to do all of that, so don't be too unhappy if gas costs $2 and change a gallon. It beats walking to Boston. That said, a reasonable person doesn't want to pay more than necessary to drive the beater around.

We're here to help you with that. We check with the Massachusetts Gas Prices website, set the search engine there for "last 36 hours," and tell you the best and worst listed prices in town. After that, it's on you to decide if it is worth driving across the Bourne Bridge from where you live to save 25 cents a gallon.

A few notes on our methodology:

Gas prices can change at the drop of a hat. I pumped gas for a few years (I was never happier at a job, to be honest), and we usually changed over on Friday, before the weekend commute. There was a great deal of gouge-the-tourist behind this, but it is also when most people are getting their paychecks and filling their tanks.

We'd write this column on Friday night, but these gas price websites are user-driven, and it takes a while for the info to trickle in. Sunday is a good driving day (see intro), and with no tourists at this time of year, many/most stations don't lower the prices on Monday to favor the locals.

Note that, in this political climate, gas prices could suddenly spike. An oil company executive is our Secretary of State, and a simple "Those damned Iranians need to die 100,000 at a time. Pathetic!" social media message from the wrong orange-tinted president could double gas prices overnight.

Wareham is part of Cape Cod in this scenario, as is mainland Bourne.

If you see a lower/higher price in town that we didn't list, use our comments feature below to correct us. If there is more than one Shell in your town, it's on you to drive enough to find the cheap one.

National Average Gas Price: $2.228

Massachusetts Average Gas Price; $2.259

Price per barrel, crude oil: $53.57

GAS PRICES BY TOWN

Provincetown:
Wellfleet:
Truro:
No Prices reported

Orleans
Best: $2.37, Cumby's, Speedway
Worst: $2.39, Mobil

Eastham
Best: $2.35, Tedeschi

Chatham
$2.37, Shell

Brewster
Best: $2.32, Cumby's
Worst: $2.38, Mobil

Dennis
Best: $2.11, Mobil
Worst: $2.35, Sav-On

Yarmouth
Best: $2.16, Speedway
Worst: $2.39, Shell

Barnstable
Best: $2.19, Mobil
Worst: $2.29 Citgo

Hyannis
Best: $2.06, United
Worst: $2.19, Excel

Mashpee
Best: $2.26, Stop & Shop
Worst: $2.29, Shell(s)

Falmouth
Best: $2.23, Intergas, also same price at Johnny's Tune and Lube
Worst: $2.31, Mobil

Sandwich
Best: $2.24, Shell
Worst: $2.35, Speedway

Bourne:
Best: $2.09, at both Speedway and Super
Worst: $2.22, Bourne Rotary Cumby's

Wareham
Best: $2.23, Mobil

If you're going ashore soon, we'll have South Coast and South Shore articles up soon enough. We've got you covered, almost anywhere you go.

Tropical Storm Watch For Cape Cod, Islands, South Coast, (parts of) South Shore

The situation is going downhill quickly, as they say.

Tropical Storm Hermine emerged off of the Carolina coast as a strong tropical storm, and is forecast to regain hurricane status as it meanders around just south of us.

We could be in for several days of high surf and beach erosion. Like a nor'easter, this storm will aim 4-8 mean tides at Massachusetts beaches.

The National Weather Service has issued a Tropical Storm Watch (meaning that Tropical Storm conditions are possible within 48 hours) for all of the South Coast, both islands, Cape Cod and extreme Southern Plymouth County.

Plymouth, Kingston, Duxbury and points north are not currently under any watches or warnings from the NWS, but that could change with their 5 PM update.

We urge our readers to take whatever precautions are necessary, especially if you are on the coast. Seas will build for several days, and will have some fierce winds behind them.

It's looking like a Sunday night arrival, with a terrible Monday, a rotten Tuesday, and an improving but still coastal-floodish Wednesday and perhaps Thursday.

Two important things to keep in mind:

1) Hurricane Irene barely touched us, and some places had no power for 2 weeks.

and

2) A slight, and I mean slight westward jiggle of the track gives us a direct hit of a powerful tropical storm on Nantucket, and a slightly northern jiggle gives in a Barnstable/Chatham landfall.

Happy Labor Day! We'll be back with many updates.

Add caption

**TROPICAL STORM WATCH IS IN EFFECT FOR THE SOUTH COASTS OF RHODE
ISLAND AND MASSACHUSETTS INCLUDING THE ISLANDS**

NEW INFORMATION
---------------

* CHANGES TO WATCHES AND WARNINGS:
- A TROPICAL STORM WATCH HAS BEEN ISSUED FOR SOUTHERN BRISTOL
MA...SOUTHERN PLYMOUTH MA...BARNSTABLE MA...DUKES
MA...NANTUCKET MA...SOUTHEAST PROVIDENCE RI...EASTERN KENT
RI...BRISTOL RI...WASHINGTON RI...NEWPORT RI AND BLOCK ISLAND RI

* CURRENT WATCHES AND WARNINGS:
- A TROPICAL STORM WATCH IS IN EFFECT FOR SOUTHERN BRISTOL
MA...SOUTHERN PLYMOUTH MA...BARNSTABLE MA...DUKES
MA...NANTUCKET MA...SOUTHEAST PROVIDENCE RI...EASTERN KENT
RI...BRISTOL RI...WASHINGTON RI...NEWPORT RI AND BLOCK ISLAND RI

* STORM INFORMATION:
- ABOUT 450 MILES SOUTHWEST OF NANTUCKET MA
- 36.1N 75.2W
- STORM INTENSITY 65 MPH
- MOVEMENT EAST-NORTHEAST OR 60 DEGREES AT 15 MPH

SITUATION OVERVIEW
------------------

SITUATION OVERVIEW

TROPICAL STORM HERMINE WILL AFFECT THE RHODE ISLAND AND MASSACHUSETTS
SOUTH COAST WITH WIND...ROUGH SURF...DANGEROUS RIP CURRENTS AND BEACH
EROSION. A TROPICAL STORM WATCH IS NOW IN EFFECT FOR THE SOUTH COASTS
OF RHODE ISLAND AND MASSACHUSETTS INCLUDING BLOCK ISLAND...MARTHA/S
VINEYARD...NANTUCKET AND CAPE COD. TROPICAL STORM FORCE CONDITIONS ARE
MOST LIKELY FROM LATE SUNDAY THROUGH MONDAY MORNING. SINCE HERMINE IS
EXPECTED TO STALL SOUTH OF NEW ENGLAND...SQUALLS WITH TROPICAL STORM
FORCE GUSTS MAY AFFECT THE RHODE ISLAND AND MASSACHUSETTS SOUTH COAST
THROUGH MID WEEK.

TROPICAL STORM FORCE WINDS MAY ARRIVE ACROSS BLOCK ISLAND...MARTHA/S
VINEYARD AND NANTUCKET BY SUNDAY AFTERNOON AND SPREAD ALONG THE THE
SOUTH COAST FROM WESTERLY RHODE ISLAND TO CHATHAM MASSACHUSETTS
SOMETIME SUNDAY EVENING. WIND GUSTS BETWEEN 40 AND 50 MPH ALONG THE
IMMEDIATE SOUTH COAST AND ISLANDS MAY DOWN SOME TREES AND LARGE
BRANCHES WITH SCATTERED POWER OUTAGE. SOME TREES MAY BE MORE
SUSCEPTIBLE TO WIND DAMAGE DUE TO STRESS FROM DROUGHT CONDITIONS.

ALONG THE SHORE...DANGEROUSLY ROUGH SURF AND LIFE THREATENING RIP
CURRENTS ARE LIKELY SUNDAY INTO THE MIDDLE PART OF NEXT WEEK...
ESPECIALLY ALONG RHODE ISLAND AND MASSACHUSETTS SOUTH COAST BEACHES. A
STORM SURGE OF 2 TO 3 FEET MAY OCCUR DURING THE SUNDAY NIGHT AND
MONDAY HIGH TIDES ALONG THE RHODE ISLAND COAST FROM WESTERLY TO POINT
JUDITH. A 1 TO 2 FOOT STORM SURGE IS LIKELY ALONG THE REST OF THE
RHODE ISLAND AND MASSACHUSETTS SHORELINES. HIGH SURF ON TOP OF THE
ELEVATED WATER LEVELS MAY CAUSE MINOR TO MODERATE BEACH EROSION ALONG
THE RHODE ISLAND COAST BETWEEN WESTERLY AND POINT JUDITH INCLUDING THE
MISQUAMICUT BEACH AND CHARLESTOWN AREAS. MINOR BEACH EROSION IS
POSSIBLE ALONG THE REST OF THE OCEAN EXPOSED RHODE ISLAND AND
MASSACHUSETTS SHORELINES.

A FEW HEAVY DOWNPOURS ARE POSSIBLE SUNDAY NIGHT INTO EARLY NEXT WEEK
ACROSS RHODE ISLAND AND SOUTHEAST MASSACHUSETTS...BUT FLOODING OF
STREAMS AND RIVERS APPEARS UNLIKELY AT THIS TIME.

POTENTIAL IMPACTS
-----------------

* WIND: PREPARE FOR DANGEROUS WIND HAVING POSSIBLE SIGNIFICANT
IMPACTS ACROSS THE SOUTH COAST. POTENTIAL IMPACTS IN THIS AREA
INCLUDE:

- SOME DAMAGE TO ROOFING AND SIDING MATERIALS, ALONG
WITH DAMAGE TO PORCHES, AWNINGS, CARPORTS, AND SHEDS. A FEW
BUILDINGS EXPERIENCING WINDOW, DOOR, AND GARAGE DOOR FAILURES.
MOBILE HOMES DAMAGED, ESPECIALLY IF UNANCHORED. UNSECURED
LIGHTWEIGHT OBJECTS BECOME DANGEROUS PROJECTILES.

- SEVERAL LARGE TREES SNAPPED OR UPROOTED, BUT WITH GREATER
NUMBERS IN PLACES WHERE TREES ARE SHALLOW ROOTED. SEVERAL FENCES
AND ROADWAY SIGNS BLOWN OVER.

- SOME ROADS IMPASSABLE FROM LARGE DEBRIS, AND MORE WITHIN URBAN
OR HEAVILY WOODED PLACES. A FEW BRIDGES, CAUSEWAYS, AND ACCESS
ROUTES IMPASSABLE.

- SCATTERED POWER AND COMMUNICATIONS OUTAGES,
BUT MORE PREVALENT IN AREAS WITH ABOVE GROUND LINES.

* FLOODING RAIN:
LITTLE TO NO IMPACTS ARE ANTICIPATED AT THIS TIME ACROSS
SOUTHERN NEW ENGLAND.

* TORNADOES:
LITTLE TO NO IMPACTS ARE ANTICIPATED AT THIS TIME
ACROSS SOUTHERN NEW ENGLAND.

PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS
----------------------------------

* EVACUATIONS:

IF YOU ARE EXCEPTIONALLY VULNERABLE TO WIND OR WATER HAZARDS FROM
TROPICAL SYSTEMS, CONSIDER VOLUNTARY EVACUATION, ESPECIALLY IF
BEING OFFICIALLY RECOMMENDED. RELOCATE TO A PREDETERMINED SHELTER
OR SAFE DESTINATION.

IF EVACUATING AWAY FROM THE AREA OR RELOCATING TO A NEARBY
SHELTER, LEAVE EARLY BEFORE WEATHER CONDITIONS BECOME HAZARDOUS.

* OTHER PREPAREDNESS INFORMATION:

NOW IS THE TIME TO CHECK YOUR EMERGENCY PLAN AND TAKE NECESSARY
ACTIONS TO SECURE YOUR HOME OR BUSINESS. DELIBERATE EFFORTS SHOULD
BE UNDERWAY TO PROTECT LIFE AND PROPERTY. ENSURE THAT YOUR
EMERGENCY SUPPLIES KIT IS STOCKED AND READY.

WHEN MAKING SAFETY AND PREPAREDNESS DECISIONS, DO NOT FOCUS ON THE
EXACT FORECAST TRACK AS THERE ARE INHERENT FORECAST UNCERTAINTIES
WHICH MUST BE TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT.

IF YOU LIVE IN A PLACE THAT IS PARTICULARLY VULNERABLE TO HIGH WIND,
SUCH AS A MOBILE HOME, AN UPPER FLOOR OF A HIGH RISE BUILDING, OR ON
A BOAT, PLAN TO MOVE TO SAFE SHELTER. TAKE ENOUGH SUPPLIES FOR YOU
AND YOUR FAMILY FOR SEVERAL DAYS.

ALWAYS HEED THE ADVICE OF LOCAL OFFICIALS AND COMPLY WITH ANY ORDERS
THAT ARE ISSUED. DO NOT NEEDLESSLY JEOPARDIZE YOUR LIFE OR THE LIVES
OF OTHERS.

WHEN SECURING YOUR PROPERTY, OUTSIDE PREPARATIONS SHOULD BE CONDUCTED
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE BEFORE CONDITIONS DETERIORATE. THE ONSET OF
STRONG GUSTY WINDS AND HEAVY RAIN CAN CAUSE CERTAIN PREPAREDNESS
ACTIVITIES TO BECOME UNSAFE.

BE SURE TO LET FRIENDS AND OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS KNOW OF YOUR
INTENTIONS AND WHEREABOUTS FOR SURVIVING THE STORM. FOR EMERGENCY
PURPOSES, HAVE SOMEONE LOCATED AWAY FROM THE THREATENED AREA SERVE AS
YOUR POINT OF CONTACT. SHARE VITAL CONTACT INFORMATION WITH OTHERS.
KEEP CELL PHONES HANDY AND WELL CHARGED.

BE A GOOD SAMARITAN AND CHECK ON THOSE WHO MAY NOT BE FULLY AWARE OF
THE SITUATION OR WHO ARE UNABLE TO MAKE PERSONAL PREPARATIONS.

VISITORS TO THE AREA SHOULD BECOME FAMILIAR WITH NEARBY SURROUNDINGS.
IF YOU ARE A VISITOR, KNOW THE NAME OF THE COUNTY OR PARISH IN WHICH
YOU ARE LOCATED AND WHERE IT IS RELATIVE TO CURRENT WATCHES AND
WARNINGS. IF STAYING AT A HOTEL, ASK THE MANAGEMENT STAFF ABOUT THEIR
ONSITE DISASTER PLAN. LISTEN FOR EVACUATION ORDERS, ESPECIALLY
PERTAINING TO AREA VISITORS.

CLOSELY MONITOR NOAA WEATHER RADIO OR OTHER LOCAL NEWS OUTLETS FOR
OFFICIAL STORM INFORMATION. LISTEN FOR POSSIBLE CHANGES TO THE
FORECAST.

* ADDITIONAL SOURCES OF INFORMATION:
- FOR INFORMATION ON APPROPRIATE PREPARATIONS SEE READY.GOV
- FOR INFORMATION ON CREATING AN EMERGENCY PLAN SEE GETAGAMEPLAN.ORG
- FOR ADDITIONAL DISASTER PREPAREDNESS INFORMATION SEE REDCROSS.ORG

NEXT UPDATE
-----------

THE NEXT LOCAL STATEMENT WILL BE ISSUED BY THE NATIONAL WEATHER
SERVICE IN TAUNTON MA AROUND 230 PM, OR SOONER IF CONDITIONS WARRANT.

Naming Post-Secession Mainland Cape Cod

When the traffic gets bad enough and pols start talking about making residents pay tolls to cross a theoretical third bridge, people who live in the mainland areas of Bourne and Sandwich start getting angry. When that anger boils up enough, you even hear talk of secession.

"We lost any financial benefits from Cape traffic in 1985. Start our own town, demand financial concessions from Cape Cod for the traffic, and dump both bridges into the Canal if the Cape says no" is the general tone of secession talk.

I'm not going to support the "dump the bridges" talk, as it is terrorism and might kill someone. I'm also not here to push Secession. It's a fun conversation piece, and it might get me some site visits, but I'm simply not the man with the answers you'd need if you wanted to get the movement going. I'm not sure how it would be done, nor am I sure if it is even a good idea.

I'll leave those questions for a future article, most likely one written in August when I just took 90 minutes to get through the Belmont Circle rotary. Instead, I will take on something that I am completely capable of doing... naming the post-secession town.

We're going to work from a fictional scenario where Buzzards Bay, Bournedale, Sagamore Beach and Scusset Beach have all broken away from Bourne, Sandwich and perhaps even whatever parts of Wareham and Plymouth (why not go for everything east of Red Brook and all of the Great Herring Pond area?) we could get our hands on.

The resultant bow-tie shaped town would need many things, but the main thing it would need is a name. We've kicked around a few, and we'll share some of them with you now. There's no ranking, even if the staff have their own personal favorites.

- Gridlock

"Gridlock" would be a form of protest. It would speak of the new town's plight, while concurrently scaring away tourists who would otherwise clutter up our roads. It would be easy to remember, it would gain us amazing name-recognition value, and might invite investment.

"Gridock" was chosen from among several staff suggestions for traffic-related town names, edging out equally awesome but less serious contenders such as "Jam City, Massachusetts, " "Road Rage, Massachusetts," "Slow Lane, Massachusetts" and "Bumper-to-Bumper, Massachusetts."

"Bumper-to-Bumper" would have a sort of Stratford-upon-Avon sound to it, and would pair us with "Manchester-by-the-Sea" as the only town names in the state with hyphens in them. We'd also join them as the only town names with Prepositions in them.


- Ripton

"Ripton" was the name of a fictional Berkshires town that an awesome western Massachusetts pol (Editor's note: it was a UMass-Amherst professor) invented. He was able to apply for grants, and even got Ripton included in the state budget. He did Ripton's work so well, he was able to obtain state funds for the fictional community. He gave the money back, as he was less interested in Fraud and more interested in pointing out that the state government lacks Western Massachusetts awareness.

Anyhow, my financial adviser- who I will admit up front is in jail at the moment- tells me that he's "pretty sure" that state funds were collected and set aside for Ripton, and that if a Ripton should suddenly appear, they would be owed both the original sum of money and any interest accrued since Ripton's 1980s inclusion in the state budget.


- Capeside

Not a lot of TV shows were set on Cape Cod and the Islands (I can only think of one other one, Wings), but one of the best was Dawson's Creek. I don't think that I saw enough DC to tell you what it was actually about, but it launched the careers of Katie Holmes, James Van Der Beek, Michelle Williams and that other kid.

If you were a child of the 1990s and didn't arc a few to Katie Holmes... nice restraint, brother.

The "Capeside" town scenes in Dawson's Creek were actually filmed in Wilmington, North Carolina, and any Massachusetts scenery used in the show was filmed in Oak Bluffs. However, why not steal the name? As you can see from the entries above and below this one in the article, it's not like we have any better ideas.

"Capeside" edges out several other fictional town names that we wished to steal from TV, movies or literature, including "Amity," "Crabapple Cove," "Dunwich, "Wallencamp," "Peyton Place," "Gotham City," "Atlantis," "Jerusalem's Lot," "Dudleyville" and "Quahog."

- Wutham

Pronounced what-ham, it would be a goof on neighboring Wareham. We'd spell it "Whatham," but we wish to avoid GPS errors with Waltham.

We'd need Marion to change their name to Whoham in order to complete the trinity.


- Sagamore

"Sagamore" is probably the logical choice, although it would be complicated in that the actual village of Sagamore is on the Cape side of the Canal.

We might have to name the town "Scusset Beach," which would force us to  negotiate something with what would most likely be a very hostile Sandwich town government.

The "Scusset Beach" thing would be unfair to the Buzzards Bay part of the new town, while a "Buzzards Bay" naming would be unfair to Sagamore Beach.


Shark City

Assuming that we are unable to cut a concession for traffic from Cape Cod, and assuming that we lack the testicular fortitude to destroy the Canal bridges.... well, not all fights are physical.

If we can't take the physical means of going to Cape Cod away, why not attack them through tourism?

There would be no way of driving a car to Cape Cod without going past the NOW ENTERING SHARK CITY signs which we would dot the highway with. I'd even post the population on town signs, and cross it out every time someone died... you know, like they do in bad towns from cowboy movies.

Sure, most of those deaths would be Old Age, Cancer and so forth....  but you won't be thinking that when you drive past the Shark City sign.

Double Bay

One thing that this fictional town would have on every other town in the state would be the fact that we would be the only town to touch two (Buzzards Bay and Cape Cod Bay) bays.

If you count Buttermilk Bay, we could even be Triple Bay.

This one is here mostly because it would make a great Casino name. If we stole enough of Wareham's eastern and Plymouth's southern forests, we could build a mega-casino right off the highway.

Shoot, I'd leave the bridges up at that point. Who wants to go to Taunton or friggin' Everett when you can instead gamble all night in Double Bay, and then dip over to Cape Cod for some daylight beach time?

Bowtie

"Bowtie" would be a play on the shape of the new town. Yes, it sucks.

Keeping the theme, but changing the shape.... this (and the Casino) would be a big motivator for the Wareham and Pymouth land grabs. If we seize the Ponds sections of Wareham and Plymouth, we'd be shaped like a mini-Connecticut.

Squanto

"Squanto" beats out "Samoset," "Metacomet," and "Massasoit" for Algonquin tribute purposes.

Squanto has the best Q Rating, and would be the best tourist-drawing name.

I don't know how we could do it, but maybe Johnny Depp or the Farrelly Brothers could be convinced to re-invent Squanto as an action hero. Maybe he goes all Seagal on invading Mi'kmaq, or perhaps he even kills a Sasquatch that was menacing Priscilla Alden. Squanto's story is an amazing one, but it needs more kung-fu and dinosaurs if he's getting his own town

Have Any Better Ideas? Let us know in the Comments...

Iconic Regional Businesses: Cape Cod

Marylou's, although popular on the Cape, is a South Shore brand. Never hurts to lead off with a Lou, however... especially a Sagamore one.

(Check out our SOUTH COAST and our SOUTH SHORE versions of this article. Same intro, different businesses)

Life has bounced me from Boston to Quincy to Duxbury to Worcester (back) to Duxbury to Monponsett to Cape Motherlovin' Cod. I've seen them come and go, friend.

One thing that I noticed as I hopped around was that some business chains I got used to in one spot would either not exist in another spot, or some other product in the same field would be dominant in this new region.

I'd also see businesses that started in one spot springing up everywhere. That's always nice to see, especially with something you grew up loving... it sort of affirms your sense of good taste for you.

One other phenomena I'd see is that, while my friends and I might favor one particular local place or another, we'd have a regional default option. To use an example with a powerful business not born of these parts... we both might want a burger. I like Schmuckburgers over on Main Street. You like Ye Olde Slaughtered Cow on the State Road. However, there's always McDonald's.

Massachusetts is a funny place. We like things a certain way. There is an impressive list of otherwise nationally prosperous franchises who flop in Massachusetts. Pizza Hut, Papa John, Little Caesar and Domino's all struggle in Massachusetts, as locals often prefer their town's House Of Pizza. Locals laugh, especially near the coast, if you ask where the Red Lobster is. You might get punched, especially in Italian neighborhoods, if you ask where The Olive Garden is. IHOP and Krispy Kreme may be the biggest names crossed off of the Dunkin' Donut's hit list.

Today, we shall examine a few businesses which have that sort of regional recognition. Some people explore the world. Some people explore regions of it. If you are a regional tourist, look at this as a sort of Bucket List. You should be familiar with all of these businesses we are about to discuss, You can get your Local card pulled, otherwise.

Someone who never went to the Cape as a kid might not know the Thompson's Clam Bar jingle, while someone from Harwich might think that Peaceful Meadows is a pet cemetery. View these places as a sort of Mendoza Line. Thompson's never expanded regionally, and Peaceful Meadows might be an ounce of Swagger away from being listed down below.

I broke this list up by Barnstable/Plymouth/Bristol County, although it could very easily be Cape Cod/South Shore/South Coast. I had to stretch up to Mansfield to fatten the South Coast category, but it's still Bristol, babe.

Here we go...

Barnstable County

Cape Cod Potato Chips

Cape Cod Potato Chips were first made in Hyannis, in 1980. The guy who founded CCPC had a $3,000 potato slicer, and had taken a one-week class in potato chip-making.

They use a kettle (as opposed to a conveyor belt like other chip-makers) to produce a crunchier potato chip. They were very unique in the industry when they appeared, and the business blew up like the Maine. Kettle chips are very prominent now, much because of CCPC.

They were bought out by Anheuser-Busch in 1985. They bought it back in 1996, before selling it again to Lance Inc. They do $30 million annually in sales. At one point, they were selling 80,000 bags of chips a day.

You might break off a tooth if you get one of the bottom-of-the-kettle chips, but there are worse reasons to go to a dentist.

Cape Cod Baseball League

Cape Cod doesn't have a monopoly on minor-league baseball. You can drive to Pawtucket and see higher-level minor league ball. Maine has the Sea Dogs, which is a cooler name than those used by any other local team. Brockton has or had the Rock Lobsters, and Plymouth has a team.

However, to paraphrase Ric Flair... if your team isn't in the Cape Cod Baseball League, you're playing catch-up ball, no matter what you tell yourself.

You're also sort of shorting yourself if you're on Cape Cod and not checking out a CCBBL game now and then. They've been in business since 1885, and are as integral to a proper Cape Cod vacation as swimming and lobster rolls.

They have ten teams running from Wareham to Harwich, and the season starts on June 10th.


Four Seas Ice Cream

Four Seas (not 4 Cs, that's Cape Cod Community College) Ice Cream has been in business since 1934. Cape Cod has always had a sweet tooth, even during the Great Depression.

Four Seas ranks highly on a national recognition scale, as many tourists have made sometimes daily trips to Four Seas a part of their vacation routine.

They were a seasonal business for some time, but they began selling ice cream to various shops and restaurants, and demand soon brought about year-round work.

Cape Cod Creamery also merits a mention in this field... but when they were naming ice cream after Cape Cod towns, they gave us Bourne Butter Pecan. I can't forgive that kind of slight.

Try to not eat Chappaquidick Chocolate Chip when driving, especially with people from Hyannis Port.

Christmas Tree Shops

If you want to see a man's facial expression collapse, get one trapped in a car and bring up the prospect of a "quick" stop at the Christmas Tree Shops. Dude may throw himself out onto the pavement at 65 mph.

However, mention it to your girlfriends when you all just cashed paychecks, and you have a pretty good night out planned... as long as said plan involves a stop somewhere for vineyard-based fortification.

Girls still are the primary arbiter of where the spending money gets spent, which is why the Christmas Tree Shops expanded all over the region, and why there is 24/7/365 sports programming on the telly back home where the husband hopefully got to stay.

The CTS was founded in Yarmouth in the 1950s, and- like Four Seas- was a seasonal business for a while. That all changed, and, well... Don't You just Lovvvve A Bargain?

You can bring your dog into the CTS, as long as it's one of those wussy purse dogs. Don't show up with your Rotty, and an eager Border Collie could do thousands of dollars worth of damage in there.


Barnstable Municipal Airport

They got a TV show out of Cape Air, which trumps almost everyone (see Captain Phillips, below) on this list.

Founded in 1928, it spent World War II being used as a base for anti-submarine planes. It is now Cape Cod's major airport.

You can land a 727 there, something I was not aware of.

Cape Air has a 91 plane fleet, including 83 Cessnas.

If you want to enjoy island life on Martha's Vineyard or Cape Cod without the getting-on-a-boat stuff, you're going to have to visit the Barnstable Municipal Airport.

Business picks up in the summer, as is often the case with Cape Cod businesses. Be sure to file a flight plan and stuff.


Massachusetts Maritime Academy

The Massachusetts Maritime Academy is only one small college, but it has a ripple effect throughout the globe. They touch a lot of businesses, as Harvard does. However, MMA guys get their hands a lot dirtier than (most) Harvard guys do.

Founded in 1891, MMA cranks out Merchant Marines. They then spread out to an untold number of businesses, shipping their products across the seas.

In that sense, the single-entity MMA is actually like a McDonald's or something similar. It's just that, instead of franchising out hamburger stands, they franchise out their developed talent to anyone

Speaking of McDonald's... unless all of those Chinese-factory-made Happy Meal toys float over to America on tsunami waves, there's a good chance that you can't even run a McDonald's without a few MMA grads.

Grads include Captain Phillips of Captain Phillips fame amd Emery Rice, who is credited with firing the first American shot of World War I. Rice also picked up a Navy Cross for ramming and sinking a U-Boat.

We'll buy him a pie from Monument Beach House Of Pizza for that!

Regionalizing Southeastern Massachusetts

Life should be easier. That said, there sure are a lot of towns in Massachusetts. I'm not even considering the irrelevant parts out past Worcester. Eastern Massachusetts is bad enough.

I grew up in Duxbury, and eventually moved to Monponsett. Prior to my move to Monponsett, I had never heard of Monponsett. You could write that off to me being a moron, and you wouldn't be the first... but it also speaks to the theory that there are too many towns in eastern Massachusetts for a reasonable man to keep track of.

It didn't used to be this way. Various kings of England didn't have the ability to commit memorization time to all of those piddling towns in the Massachusetts swamps. The king was a busy man, and needed his memory for more pressing matters. Memory is finite. If a man who is obliged to breed within a limited pool of people knows where Rehoboth is, it means that he may not know who that pretty girl at his coronation is. He might mess around with the royal scepter and become his own uncle or something.

You are most likely playing for lower stakes than that, but it's still a pain if you have some auto parts or pizza or something to deliver, and neither you nor your GPS can really say whether you are in Marion, Wareham or Mattapoisett.

How would Henry VII handle that problem? Simple. Eliminate some variables, just like one of those mathematician guys. You gotta know stuff like that to be the king.

A man doesn't have to know where Wareham or Marion is if Wareham and Marion don't exist. Call the whole area "Rochester"... yeah, that's the ticket. This also saves a monarch the bother of learning how to spell "Mattapoisett." Just think regional.

Similar regional logic applied around the area eliminates bothersome memory issues in town-sized hunks. Not sure where Mansfield is? Sha-ZAM!!! No more Mansfield. Think that Cape Cod has too many towns? Ka-POW!!! Not any more.

Queen Anne probably didn't spend part of her thirties pumping gas, so I assume that she most likely had more on the ball than your faithful author here does. When she thought about her Massachusetts colonies, how did she visualize them?

This map may help:

We use the same basic map to describe this website's coverage area, although we refuse to give up Weymouth and Hull. I've had some luck dating in Weymouth, and Hull is just too damn cool to give up without a war. We even claim parts of Quincy. If the website makes more money or if we get an eager and well-located intern, we'll include the Islands.

This map of Plymouth Colony is very concise. 17 towns fill up what is now Plymouth, Britsol and Barnstable Counties. Bristol County has 20 towns today. It gets bothersome quickly. Honestly, can you really tell me where Berkley is? (Editor's Note: South Coast readers can substitute "Rockland" or "Holbrook" for "Berkley") You can see why the royals did what they did.

Would this work today?

Some problems do show up immediately. I'm sure that Brockton residents would love paying for Duxbury Beach seawall repairs. Padanaram residents would most likely not align politically with the meaner parts of Fall River. Plymouth seems too big, as does Middleboro, Dartmouth and Taunton. Governance of these areas would be unwieldy at best.

Other things stand out when pondering a shift to colonial-era town maps:

- Freetown, a backwater these days, is one of the Big 17 in this alternate reality. Rehoboth also seems to have extraordinary influence.

- Freetown (and parts of Fall River and Assonet) was purchased from the Wampanoags for "20 coats, two rugs, two iron pots, two kettles, one little kettle, eight pairs of shoes, six pairs of stockings, one dozen hoes, one dozen hatchets, and two yards of broadcloth."

-  Plymouth looks a bit like Brazil.

- Scituate and Duxbury both enjoy a unique status as America's first suburbs. Building there was most likely spurred by the Great Colonial Hurricane... which is too bad, because we liked the idea of Duxbury being founded because 1636 Plymouth was getting just a little bit too crowded for one Myles Standish.

- Cape Cod is reduced to five towns with this map... Eastham, Sandwich, Barnstable, Yarmouth and Falmouth.

- Swansea, a tiny town these days, was also tiny then. They would have nearly doubled in size if a dispute with Rhode Island was worked out in their favor. They were also serving as a buffer zone with the Wampanoag-dominated area of Mount Hope, sort of a colonial Latvia.

- I'm not sure how they had the Worcester area worked out, but let the record show that Southboro was (and still is) north of Middleboro.

- The Mayor of Duxbury Beach claims rulership over Duxbury and all lands west to (and including) Bridgewater State University. She refuses to accept the various actions of incorporation of the western towns.

- Brockton used to be part of Duxbury.

- I think that Marshfield's borders have been unchanged since a 1640 dispute with Duxbury over Green Harbor was ironed out.

- Taunton could have built a Norton/Easton/Mansfield-sized casino within their original borders.

- Route 3 would have touched Scituate in this political (map) climate.

Sunday Drive Homework Assignment: Cape Cod Fall Foliage Picture Contest!

We had planned to get our bad selves out on the Cape for the end of the foliage season, but we are having some trouble with the Cranmobile. Unless we commandeer the CCRTA bus, we won't personally be shooting up the Cape with our cameras.

This is a shame, because Cape Cod has a stranglehold on the tail end of New England's fall foliage season. People who have been putting off their leaf-peeping for reasons good or bad have no real options left on the table.

Many people think of Cape Cod as being entirely made of sand, therefore being unaware of the Peep Options down here in Barnstable County.

We'd like to help promote Cape Cod's foliage season, which is where you come in!

Many of you Cape Codders will be out on the roads today. You will be driving through the heart of the local fall foliage. Many of you enjoy the benefits of flash photography.

Why not work towards a Greater Good?

Send us some pictures. If you can leave them in the comments section, feel free. If not, leave them in the comments section of whatever Facebook post you saw this contest advertised at. If worst comes to worst, hit us up at Monponsett@aol.com.

Be sure to tell us what town your picture is from.

Plymouth and Wareham can play, but they have to punch their way in.

We'll choose the best of the bunch, and reward the winner with some useless accumulata swag that we have kicking around. They'll also own Cape Cod bragging rights, which may get you a free beer in the right establishments.

We'll use the picture once. You own it after that. If someone tries to pay us for it after, we'll refer them to you.

The judges are me (Stephen), Jessica, and this guy we know called Cranberry Jones.

We'll take entries for a few days, and then the article will drop like the leaves themselves once the judges are satisfied.

Good luck!