Payback Time: Vote to Give Officer MacDonald His Retirement

There is a very important matter up for a vote at the May 2nd Town Meeting that we ask you to consider.

Last year, a man named Adrian Lima murdered an ex-girlfriend and shot the ex-girlfriend's current girlfriend as well. Doubling down, he then fired upon the Bourne Police Department when they arrived to investigate. Lima was eventually taken into custody.

Before they gaffled him, Lima managed to shoot a Bourne Police officer, Jared MacDonald. MacDonald was hit in the back, just under his protective vest. The gunshot resulted in critical injury to MacDonald, and he is now unable to do his job.

Normally, if you get a debilitating injury on the job, the job has to take care of you. It's a no-brainer, one of the chief coups of the organized labor movement spawned during the Industrial Revolution.

However, there are differences between an injured cop and, say, an injured factory worker. The factory worker, if he suffers an injury, can almost always tie it to either employee or employer negligence.... "He stuck his head under a piledriver" or "The shabby scaffolding collapsed." It makes for an easier determination of Fault.

With cops, there is an additional variable. Very few factory workers are shot by crazy people. Police? They sort of dabble in crazy people as a trade. Sometimes, crazy people get guns, and sometimes they manage to shoot a cop.

That doesn't change the scenario much for an injured police officer. He showed up for the job, did what he was supposed to do, but still suffered an injury.  That much is easy. However, his status as a public servant with essentially 20,000 people as his employer means that the town has to vote to give him benefits.

That vote goes down at the Monday, May 2nd town meeting, at Bourne High School. 7 PM, citizen.

This should be a no-brainer. I'm technically a criminal, but I am not only voting for the policeman to get his retirement, I'm writing an article urging you to do so as well. That's a fairly strong endorsement right there, albeit one coming from the proverbial Low Road.

Cops are unique people, tasked with a ridiculously dangerous job. If your baby is trapped in a burning building, a cop will run into the building to get it. If the building has explosives in it, is surrounded by a leopard pen and guarded by ISIL... the cop is still going in. You can argue that with me, but I have a Bourne cop with a bullet in his back as Exhibit A.

You get that sort of bravery for a relatively minor salary... many people give close to as much money to Bob Kraft, Walt Disney or Rihanna over the course of a year as they pay in taxes to employ a cop.

There is a flip-side to that low salary. If the cop gets a debilitating injury, the community should take care of him. If I were a Bourne cop and watched the town vote against giving benefits to a fellow cop who was shot protecting Bourne's citizens... well, let's say that I might wait for some backup before I run through the theoretical Taliban's leopard pen to get that baby out of the burning building.

However, many cops would STILL run the gauntlet after such a vote, but that would be because they are brave, principled or both.... which is even more of a reason to vote to take care of your own.

"Officer MacDonald's retirement needs to be voted on because he was shot in the line of duty making him eligible to receive a specific retirement above the standard medical retirement. This retirement package is the same as other officers in the state that have been shot in the line of duty. This retirement package has to be approved by the town." (Get Well Bourne Police Officer Jared MacDonald Facebook page)

Taking care of an injured cop/soldier/firefighter/EMT is perhaps our most solemn unspoken social contract. They run into Hell to rescue you... you can run down to the high school Monday night (May 2nd, at 7 PM) and cast a vote to show that you appreciate it.

Picture stolen borrowed from Get Well Bourne Police Officer Jared MacDonald Facebook Page

Bourne, Fishing And Stan Gibbs

Bourne is a nautical town. We are where the state decided to put her Maritime Academy. We're the first clam shacks and fish huts you see when entering Cape Cod. We're named after a guy who was named after a harbor... in fact, the harbor may actually be named for him, I've got to Google that some time.

Not only are we surrounded by water, we're divided by water. You can't go from Sagamore to Pocasset without dealing with that Canal. However, Bourne residents love their little man-made ocean river, even if it sort of curses us with gridlock every weekend.

One of the reasons we love our Canal is that it has some superb fishing. It is essentially a river between Buzzards Bay and Cape Cod Bay, and all sorts of beasts (fish, whales, squids, sharks, tunas, dolphins, seals, and even, as far as we can tell, at least one bear) swim through it. You can make a case that, once accessibility is factored in, the Cape Cod Canal is the best surfcasting spot in Massachusetts.

If you had the right tools and the necessary will, you could fish a LNG tanker out of that Canal. It would require Herculean strength and Napoleonesque game-planning... but if it could be done, the Cape Cod Canal is where you could be doing it it. It is also the only place that a particularly deft surfcaster could snatch the cap off of a millionaire from 100 yards away as he piloted his Sea Limo through the Canal. You actually get a bench along the Canal named after you if you do that, it's in the small print of the Town Charter.

And if anybody could have pulled that off, it would have been Stan Gibbs, but we'll get to him in a second.

Those fish have filled many a tummy over the years, as the locals soon figured out that the Canal was essentially a Fish Funnel that could be tapped again and again and again. Her reputation grew, and it is now a Grade A surfcasting spot. 

A celebration of that Canal would be very problematic without Fishing placed up in the front row. After that, Natural Beauty and Ease Of Transporting Goods, the Canal sort of becomes a Catastrophic Traffic Issue... and, in an emergency of the right sort, a veritable Line Of Death.

But enough of that talk. We're talking about fishing today, and we're celebrating the Sea Dog, the surfcaster, the angler, the old salt... The Fisherman. 

A state stands in Buzzards Bay.. It honors the fisherman, and it has a very clever Rembrandt/Hemingway sort of title... The Fisherman.

The statue was funded via donations from private citizens (mainly the Stan Gibbs Fisherman’s Classic Fishing Tournament people), and it stands 10 feet tall. It was made by Hyannis sculptor David Lewis, and was bronzed in Arizona. It is placed near Buzzards Bay Park, by the railroad bridge. It will be surrounded by roses, fountain grass, and will even have a compass rose. As near as I can tell, the statue will be "aimed" at Sagamore.

The text reads:“The Fisherman. A tribute to past, present and future striped bass fishermen of the great Cape Cod Canal, inspired by local fishing legend Stan Gibbs." It cost $80K.

The statue depicts Stan Gibbs, and a famous photograph of Gibbs served as the model for it. I'm not the one to make the call on whether Gibbs was the best fisherman ever on Cape Cod and the Islands (I'm pretty sure we are where Quint and Captain Ahab are from, at least Movie Quint), but he certainly owned the Canal.

Gibbs was born in Easton, but the sea drew him to Sagamore. He was a giant man, but also a creative man. He became world-famous for the fishing lures he created, many of which (Polaris Popper, Casting Swimmer, Pencil Popper, Needlefish, and Darter) are still being copied and mass-produced by whatever companies make fishing stuff. His family (I think) still runs the business he created out of his love of fishing, Gibbs' Lures.

Check the Salt Water Fishing Lures Collection Club convention, at the Canal Room of the Trowbridge Tavern in Bourne.... just off the Bourne Rotary. It's going on today.

He also pioneered the use of numbered poles to mark his fishing spot. To this day, Canal anglers will say "254 was on last night" and so forth. I was completely unaware of this before I went out the other day and started bothering local fisherman.

Bothering the local anglers also provided the meat of this Story Sandwich... his legendary accomplishments. All legends need mythology, and Stan Gibbs has some amazing stories floating around about his skills. The possibility that locals were teasing a girl with ridiculous fishing stories can't be disregarded. I welcomed that, to be honest. Stan's dead, by the way, so he wasn't feeding me this stuff himself to sell lures. Primary sources are excellent and essential for real history, but they only get in the way of Legend Building. 

Here is what I've heard about Stan Gibbs, and mind you that I wasn't out collecting stories that long:

- The state catch limit on stripers is known as the Stan Gibbs Rule.

- Stan's record for Speediest Catch was 17 seconds, and that included beaching it.

- At least 20 people told me that Stan could cast completely across the Canal if someone put a C Note down on him not being able to do so.

- Stan knew the Canal's bottom well enough that he had names for certain troublesome spots.

- Stan not only fished during Hurricane Bob, he executed a 120 yard cast into the teeth of the wind. When he was casting with the wind at his back, he was somehow catching deep-sea fish.

- On a dare, Stan could snap-cast and hook a fish like an arrow shot if he had a clear visual and it wasn't windy. It required a special spear-lure that Stan refused to produce commercially.

- Stan could fish holding poles in each hand, and often did so just before Good Fridays during the Depression if the Salvation Army was planning a big supper. See "catch limits," above.

- Not only did Stan never tangle his line when fishing near others, but he could disentangle crossed lines with what I will describe as the same hand motion you use when winding up to shoot some dice.

- Stan didn't catch and release every fish in the Canal once just to intimidate them, but he liked to propagate that rumor once he started selling lures. He did it skillfully, of course. "Customers are just another fish, dear...."

- Stan was fishing for bait, caught some, and started reeling it in. A schooly striper than struck the hooked herring, in the process impaling itself on the hook. Most fisherman would have reeled that score in, but Stan- who had done it 20 or 30 times before- waited and waited... and a bluefish attacked the striper. Stan then reeled them all in, and had them for supper.

- The hat-off-a-millionaire story was actually told to me about Gibbs, but more in a "he casted so well that he could have..." manner than as something he actually did. They do say that he had a collection of Mister Howell-style hats in his shed that was completely out of context in comparison to his other trophies, but that he never ever ever answered questions about them.

- The shark you see in the New England Aquarium was caught by Stan, on shore, with a holiday ham as bait. He had a friendly boat haul his bait out a half mile, and Stan handled the rest.

- When Stan tired of eating fish, he would sneak up near The Seafood Shanty or wherever and surfcast a cheeseburger off of the plate of a tourist. He did it enough that the various clam shacks would comp meals if this was claimed by a customer, no questions asked.

- A guy accidentally dropped his keys into the Canal while swimming in from a boat. He had only a rough estimate of where they fell into the water, and the current was strong. Local kids immediately fetched Stan Gibbs. He weighted down a treble hook, asked the unfortunate soul about 3 where/what/how far questions, and then fished his keys out of the Canal on anywhere (I heard this story a few times) between 1 and 20 casts.

- Stan once hooked a Mako Shark in the Canal, fought it for 9 hours, brought it to the rocks, slapped it in the face, and let it go."Tell the others my name..." he was rumored to have whispered to it. This act- done the summer after a fatal shark attack in Buzzards Bay- is credited by some with the lack of shark attacks on humans in this area since. I think the shark who bit the guy off of Truro a few years ago was European, and he fled town the instant he heard that this was Gibbs Country.

- "Stan" is translatable to "Satan" in Striperese.

- The first thing you actually learn as a fish when you join one of those schools is to Not F*** With Stan Gibbs. The second thing you learn is "Swimming."

- I won't say with any certainty that touching the Fisherman statue before you go fishing brings you good luck when you're fishing, but I will say that it certainly can't hurt your chances. I was raised by Catholics, and thus have a very keen understanding of superstition and so forth. I want dibs on that if people start doing it.

Wings Neck

Wings Neck doesn't have an apostrophe, and I checked more than once. It's a peninsula, which is actually a typo away from being a dirty term describing "a piece of land that is bordered by water on three sides but connected to mainland."

As near as I can tell from the Wikipedia, the big difference between a Peninsula and a Cape is that a Cape manifests itself as a marked change in the trend of the coastline. Essentially, Bourne to Provincetown is a Cape via her right angle hook, while the more Mexico-aligned Baja is a peninsula.

I think that Cape Cod is technically two Capes, with one running from the mainland to Chatham, and the Outer Cape sort of caping off of the Cape.

Keep in mind that I majored in Accounting when I am telling you all this stuff about Geography. I actually confuse Geography with Geology and even Geometry now and then, which is why I am rarely obtuse with people.

Wings Neck is a notable point where Buzzards Bay begins to narrow into the Cape Cod Canal. It is across the Buzz from Stony Point in Wareham. It's not as narrow as the Mashnee Neck/Codman Point bottleneck, but it's pretty narrow. If you've sailed north into the Cape Cod Canal, you passed Wings Neck on your starboard side.

It sort of sticks out from the mainland like a wing, hence the name. I'm guessing, and there could be some guy named Wing who may have a legitimate grievance with me.

The area was of regional importance before the Cape Cod Canal was dug out. The swampy area was rich in Iron, and the Pocasset Iron Company was powerful enough to greatly increase shipping traffic. Shipping into Wareham and Bourne/Sandwich had also increased heavily. Wings Neck merited a lighthouse by 1849. The original light was 50 feet above the water, and it cost a look-at-how-they-spend $3,251.

The first keeper, Edward Doty Lawrence, ran it almost uninterrupted through 1877. He was briefly removed in 1854 for belonging to the wrong political party. His daughter married the Keeper who followed him. John Maxim, who both replaced and preceded EDL as Keeper, was killed at Gettysburg.

Other notable Keepers were George and William Howard. The Howard brothers were noted lifesavers, and they saved 37 lives in their time running Wings Neck. One of the reasons that a U-Boat never attacked Bourne is that the Germans feared retribution from the badass Howard brothers.

It has a very lengthy history of lightkeeper's wives being the assistant keepers, doing the shift while hubby slept. At least one keeper's wife is famous for saying a prayer over her husband's newly-dead corpse, and then going up to run the light and clang the bell before the town doctor had pronounced him dead.

There was an 1878 fire that led to the 1889 construction of a new light, which had all that fancy stuff like a 1000 pound fog bell. They even floated an assistant keeper's house across the Buzz from Mattapoisett in 1923. It went from a fixed to a flashing light in 1928, and converted to electricity in 1934. This light was 44 feet above the water, and was visible for 12 miles at sea.

Wings Neck was once docked at by the US presidential yacht,Mayflower. The keeper, Wallace Eldredge, did a 21 gun salute with the fog bell for President Warren Harding. 

As a private residence, it once played host to the Von Trapp family of The Sound Of Music fame. Since former President Grover Cleveland vacationed in Bourne for many years and was an avid fisherman, he was most likely very familiar with Wings Neck. This is a ridiculous amount of clout for a literal backwater area where maybe 500 families live now.

Maps from vintage times show Wings Neck as a hazard to navigation, and it only got worse when the Canal traffic started floating by.

The lighthouse ran from 1889-1945, when it was deemed unnecessary following the construction of the Cleveland Ledge light. They then put up this Cape Cod Canal monitoring station in the picture above.

The monitoring station is the tallest thing around until you get to the Bourne Bridge. It has radar and CCTV monitoring. If you were doing some Love Boat as you were sailing up the Canal, they probably saw you. They may even have film of the act, which is why I never intend to run for President.

The station is essential to the flow of traffic through the Canal, and helps to prevent such nightmare scenarios as "LNG tanker collides with munitions ship as orphans and puppies watch from within the blast radius." Who needs to see that, right?

The hexagonal (you are either impressed that I know that word, or you know i just made it up) lighthouse still stands, and it is connected to a lovely 3 bedroom cottage by a charming breezeway.

It went up for sale, and is now a private residence. Those private residents (the Flanagan family bought it for $13K and change in 1947) use the place as a rental. You can stay there for the following rates.

Winter: January 4 – May 3 $2,500 per week

Spring: May 3 – June 14 $3,300 per week

Summer: June 14 – September 6 $4,500 per week

Fall: September 6 – December 31 $3,500 per week

Now, that's some good scratch, but it's worth it to live in a lighthouse for a week. You always say that you want to live in a lighthouse, and that's what it costs. It's a bargain, trust me. Go stay at that other lighthouse if you don't believe me.

There are few better places to watch a good storm from. If you loved ship-watching as a kid, you owe this place to yourself. It's also a top-notch Buddha Spot. If some people I know lived there, it would have so much smoke coming out of the top, Catholics would think there was a new Pope.

I don't know if they still have the bell, or if they let you ring it if they do. I was basically trespassing for these shots.

Chic-Fil-A Approved For Hyannis

Not to be outdone by the arrival of Sonic onto the South Coast, Cape Cod is importing a national heavy-hitter for a trial run in our local fast food universe.

Chic-Fil-A gained approval from the Cape Cod Commission to open up a drive-thru/eat-in restaurant in Hyannis. The franchise will be will be Chickening Out at the corner of Enterprise Road and Iyannough Road (Route 132). The area was previously overflow parking for the Cape Cod Mall.

Chic-Fil-A (pronounced: "chick filet") is a Georgia-based 1400 restaurant chain which specializes in Chicken. Unlike most fast food joints, I didn't see a cheeseburger on their menu. They use Waffle Fries instead of regular fries. They put pickles on chicken sandwiches, a distinctly Southern thing which I approve of. They also have a chicken-dominated breakfast menu.

I have never seen one of their commercials, so I can't say if their mascot is a clown or a king or a little red-haired girl or even a Kentucky Colonel. If my girlfriend is correct, their commercials are the ones where a cow bothers people while holding a sign that says "EATZ MORE CHICKEN."

Many people only know Chic-Fil-A via their hard-line stance on opposing all things Gay. “To glorify God by being a faithful steward of all that is entrusted to us and to have a positive influence on all who come into contact with Chick-fil-A,” is the chain’s mission statement. Mumbles Menino famously banned them from Boston in 2012 or so. They only use heterosexual chickens for their sandwiches.

Local reactions have been mixed, at least from the section of the community that we sampled. "Praise be to Jesus," said Osterville interior designer Jeff Nonesuch. "I've been searching high and low for a less gay-friendly chicken sandwich." 

However, as Hyannis Port retiree (and, she added, former Southerner) Anne Teechikfila said, "I'd sooner hunt and eat seagulls, and that's before you factor in Chic-Fil-A's odious bigotry."

Chic-Fil-A branches are closed on Sundays, which should hit them in the purse in an area of Massachusetts with about a 75 day peak season.

Due to mitigation costs (mostly traffic), the place may lay an egg early if they take off too many peak business days. The Cape Cod Times says that they will have to sell over 81,000 of their $3.49 basic chicken sandwiches just to pay off their traffic mitigation costs.

I do not believe that they will be open by July 14th, Cow Appreciation Day. That's a shame, because you can eat a free meal at any Chic-Fil-A on Cow Appreciation Day, provided that you arrive in the restaurant dressed up as a cow.

We'll let you know when they post their Opening Day date.

Right Whales In Cape Cod Bay, Warning Issued

Cape Cod Bay has a group of Right Whales operating by her western shores this week.

It's sort of a rite of spring. The ocean waters get to the right temperature and the zooplankton prospers or gathers or whatever zooplankton does to attract feeding whales. The presence of this plankton draws in the whales, who feed to their content and eventually follow the plankton to the next hot spot.

The whales being drawn in are Right Whales, which are among the most endangered creatures on the planet.

Because of this, the Massachusetts Division Of Marine Fisheries is issuing a cautionary notice to boaters in western Cape Cod Bay.

There are five mother/calf pairs within two miles of shore between Duxbury and Sandwich.

Did we mention that Right Whales are very rare? Right Whales get categorized into three, uhm, categories: North Atlantic, Pacific and Southern. All are very rare, with the eastern version of the NARW numbering in the functionally-extinct teens. Our own population of Right Whales number about 400.

Cape Cod Bay (and the nearby-in-whale-terms Bay Of Fundy) are major feeding grounds for Right Whales, and they usually put in work here right around this time of year. You stand a good chance of seeing one if you prowl along any beach between Duxbury and Sandwich. If you can get some elevation, at like, say, the White Cliffs Country Club, your odds of seeing one increase substantially.

They tend to hug the coast, staying within 2 miles of shoreline. They are surface feeders, although they will dive for meals if need be. Look for their distinctive V-shaped spout, which produces corresponding V-shaped spout spray.

If one is nearby, they shouldn't be hard to see. They go about 60 feet long, about the size of a New York City subway train. The whale is considerably fatter, weighing about 100 tons.

INTERACTIVE WHALE TRACKING MAP FOR CAPE COD BAY

Win a bar bet or ten by knowing that, at about 9 feet, they win the Largest Testicles On The Planet contest. Said testicles weigh 1100 pounds, about what the entire Wyatt Family (including Brau Strowman) in the WWE weighs. This is probably why the female Right Whales only mate about every 3-5 years or so.

A contributing factor with the once-every-Presidential-Election-year lovemaking desire cycle on the part of the female may also be due to the fact that Right Whale calves are 20 feet long and weigh as much as the New England Patriots' front seven does... at birth.

She has plenty of time. While no one knows how long Right Whales live, a human-sized life span seems to be about the norm. A baby Right Whale photographed in 1935 was still kicking in the 1995, before being killed by a ship strike.

Speaking of which, you want to keep your boat far, far away from any Right Whales you see. You could injure the whale, and you could get your boat sunk.   For the safety of both mariners and whales, vessel operators in this area are strongly urged to proceed with caution, reduce speed (less than 10 knots), and post lookouts to avoid colliding with these highly endangered whales.

Right Whales get their name because they were the "right" whale to harvest during the Whaler days. Surface-skimming, lots of oil, weak fighters =  "Right."

On a sad note, a whale washed up dead on Duxbury Beach yesterday. I don't believe it was a Right Whale, it was about 15-20 feet long. I believe that the town is going to bury it.

Best Whale Songs

1) Moby Dick,Led Zeppelin

2) Nantucket Sleighride, Mountain

3) The Whale, ELO

4) To The Last Whale, Crosby/Nash

5) The Mariner's Revenge Song, The Decemberists

6) Home Of The Whale, Massive Attack

7) Shanty Of The Whale, K.T. Tunstall

8) Save The Whales, Country Joe McDonald

9) Moving, Kate Bush

10) Don't Kill The Whale, Yes

11) The Last Great American Whale, Lou Reed

12) Stove By A Whale, Scissorfight

Details Emerging In "Grand Theft Auto: Duxbury" Shootings

A shooting in Duxbury is a rare, rare event. Two shootings is even more off the chain. Three is absurd. What and why?

Lucas McPherson, for some reason that even he may not know, got in the Impala, drove to Duxbury, and spent part of Saturday night playing Grand Theft Auto: Duxbury with real bullets and real people. By the time the cops got a hold of him, he had shot at three people.

His first shooting was on Tremont Street, where he shot at a car as it passed him. He then went up Tobey Garden, where he shot a dog-walker. Both were hospitalized for non-life-threatening wounds.

At some point in his travels, he fired on a second vehicle. That person didn't report it immediately... Duxbury is the sort of town where you assume that gunfire is your car backfiring. I'd imagine that this victim came home, told her husband to fix her muffler, went to bed, got up, turned on the news, remembered the "backfire," walked out to the car, saw bullet holes and then fainted.

I may have it twisted somewhat, but the Duxbury Police saw the car speeding away after the first shooting (but before it was reported?), but lost it. They caught up to it after the Tobey Garden shooting, and took the suspect in.

His weapon of choice was a shotgun, which police found in his car.

For all the talk of cops being brutal, let it be known that Lucas jumped out of the car and went after the police with a hunting knife. Instead of killing him (which I would have done, most likely with however many bullets are in a police gun), they used the Tazer. He went after two officers at the station, too.

Duxbury cops aren't exactly battle-hardened city cops, which only speaks more of size of their Grapefruits when they bring the villain in alive. Props to the cops!

Lucas has more charges than my ex-wife's credit card. Among them are:

3 counts of Assault and Battery with a dangerous weapon
1 count of assault with a dangerous weapon
3 counts of attempted murder
1 count of discharging a firearm within 500 feet of a dwelling
1 count of carrying a firearm without a license
2 counts of malicious damage to a motor vehicle
2 counts of assault and batter on a police officer
1 count of resisting arrest

He may be doing a bit of time, in a jail, in the rubber room, or perhaps both at some point. He is presently a guest of the Sheriff at the Plymouth County House Of Corrections.

So, that's basically what happened. The one thing we need to know is Why?

Lucas McPherson is from Presque Isle, Maine. He has no criminal record.

Here's what my lawyer and I hope is his Facebook page. There's no manifesto or anything. He likes dirt bikes, may have worked as a caddy or a landscaper, listened to the now-ominous Rooney And The Revolvers rock band, and he may have liked to blaze the cheeba-cheeba. That's what I got off of his Facebook page.

I scrolled through his whole FB friends list, ad didn't see anyone from Duxbury on it... so we can table any "Who invited THAT guy over??" discussions for the time being. For all that we know, he may have just pulled off of the highway at random.

There's no Duxbury, Maine town where he could have had a grudge with someone and then had an unfortunate GPS error occur which led him to Massachusetts. There is a Duxbury, Vermont... the only place in America where the dogcatcher is elected, a fact which most likely has no bearing on this case.

Anyhow, that's what we know so far. We'll give you an update when we learn more.

Cranberry County Magazine's NFL Mock Draft

It's time once again for the Cranberry County Magazine NFL Mock Draft! The real draft is going down soon, so we're here to help you with the process.

We're linking to the DC Pro Sports Mock Draft Database.

Our panel of experts (Stephen, Stacey, Abdullah, Jessica, Cranberry Jones) split the teams up between them, loaded up on Marylou's Coffee, locked themselves away, created a cloud of smoke and went to draft-war against each other.

We're only going 3 rounds, mostly because the bottom falls out of the Patriots' draft after that. We also have only-so-many jokes about large men pushing each other about.

If you only care about the Pats and want to skip down and find out who we think they'll be adding to the squad next year, scroll down to Round 2 and Round 3 (60, 61, 90, 96). That should be easy enough for you, slacker!

The fact that no NFL expert of any sort has noted that we regularly kick Mel Kiper's ass all over God's jolly green earth should not deter you from accepting this mock draft as absolute football Gospel. If the actual real draft goes differently than what we tell you here, it means that They f*cked up and not Us... with the exception of Belichick, of course.

Round 1

1. Los Angeles Rams (from Tennessee Titans)... Jared Goff, QB

If, in a few years, you see California sports pages with jokes like "They've developed a really bad Goff" or "retired, now playing Goff," this pick may have just doomed football in Los Angeles.


2. Philadelphia Eagles (from Cleveland Browns)... Carson Wentz, QB

This pick was looking very Cleveland, i.e. "Well, Johnny Football blew up in our faces, let's draft this big stiff out of Somewhere Dakota State." I was kinda shocked to see the Brow pick up a king's ransom instead. The "gaggle of picks for one guy" trades usually work out for the gaggle-of-picks guys. Again, if headlines in the future ask "I wonder where Carson Wentz," I wouldn't want to be in Philadelphia.


3. San Diego Chargers...  Jalen Ramsey, DB

An OT would be nice, but they seem to think they're All Set there. If that's the case, we'll shore up their secondary.


4. Dallas Cowboys... Ezekiel Elliot, RB

Tony Romo will have a hard time getting injured if he's handing the ball to this guy often enough. I may have missed them adding someone, but sans Ezekiel, they have a Darren McFadden/Alfred Morris tandem.


5. Jacksonville Jaguars... Myles Jack, LB

They have a few holes to fill in New Jack City, but "Jack, from Jacksonville" has a nice ring to it.


6. Baltimore Ravens... Laremy Tunsil, OT

A potentially great left tackle drops into their laps. He'll make sure that No Whacko smokes Joe Flacco like Toe-Bacco.


7. San Francisco 49ers... DeForest Buckner, DE

At 6'7", even if he can't get sacks, the other teams' QBs will probably have 3-6 passes a game deflected by his head if he's positioned well.


8. Cleveland Browns (from Philadelphia Eagles, Miami Dolphins)... Corey Coleman, WR

Philly climbed through this team to get a QB. Cleveland trades away the chance to get a QB so that, once the dust settles, they end up getting a fine guy for their non-existent QB to throw to.


9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers... Joey Bosa, DE

"Joey Bosa" sounds like the guy who comes looking for you if you f*ck up a loan and fail to pay off a certain influential Sicilian businessman.


10. New York Giants... Ronnie Stanley, OT

"Two Manning brothers with neck injuries," sounds just fine and dandy to me, but I'm not running the Giants.


11. Chicago Bears... Vernon Hargreaves, CB

They have some prominent QBs throwing on them twice a season, so they could use some talent in the secondary.


12. New Orleans Saints... Shaq Lawson, DE

LSU did OK with the Shaq that they had, so we'll see if the Shaq Effect carries over to the pros.


13. Miami Dolphins (from Philadelphia Eagles).... Jack Conklin, OL

They have a hole at Guard, as well as a potential hole behind fragile OT Brandon Albert.


14. Oakland Raiders... William Jackson, CB

If you don't look like a good bet to score many points against Denver, you may as well try to keep Denver from scoring points. Make it all come down to a field goal, the little kicker people make the potential European viewers happy.


15. Tennessee Titans (from Los Angeles Rams).... Taylor Decker, OT

This would give them bookend Taylors on the offensive line.


16. Detroit Lions... Sheldon Rankins, DT

They let two first-round DTs go last year, and it made them soft in the middle.


17. Atlanta Falcons... Leonard Floyd, LB

They get a Georgia kid, which will please the local yokels.


18. Indianapolis Colts... Jarran Reed, DT

Indy was, is, and may always be the easy whore of Mister Touchdown, U.S.A for all of eternity. Jarran Reed at least won't be easy.


19. Buffalo Bills... Reggie Ragland, LB

He's a good name to know if you get a lot of Rs and Gs from a Scrabble bag.


20. New York Jets... Paxton Lynch... QB

I wonder what Sam Bradford costs?


21. Washington Redskins... Chris Jones, DL

It never hurts to build along the lines.


22. Houston Texans... Andrew Billings, DT

They could use a better guy up front with Vin and JJ. I'd bet that JJ would enjoy mentoring the young fellow.


23. Minnesota Vikings... Josh Doctson, WR

I went to Bridgewater State, and was going to buy a BSU jersey for all of those games I don't go to. However, a Bridgewater jersey from the Vikings would be cool to show up in. My boy needs someone to throw to, though.


24. Cincinnati Bengals... Sterling Shephard, WR

They take him because there isn't a player named "Stop Taking Stupid Penalties In Playoff Games."


25. Pittsburgh Steelers... Vernon Butler, NT

The Patriots dominated the NFL with #1 picks on the front end of  3-4 defense, why wouldn't it work in Pennsylvania?


26. Seattle Seahawks... Ryan Kelly, C

They traded away their center to get Jimmy Graham last year, and they try to wipe that mark off the board with this pick.


27. Green Bay Packers... A'Shawn Robinson, DL

A run-stopper never hurts in a division with AP.


28. Kansas City Chiefs... Will Fuller, WR

They need people to catch the ball, and even a short-throw QB needs a speed guy. Shoot, even I can throw it 20 yards, and if this dude is fast enough, he should be all alone after 20 yards.


29. New England Patriots (Forfeited)

Grrrrr....


29. Arizona Cardinals... Eli Apple, CB

They stole our pick! Well, not really...


30. Carolina Panthers... Germain Ifedi, OT

Unless I was trippin' balls during what I thought was the Super Bowl, Carolina needs help on the OL.


31. Denver Broncos... MacKenzie Alexander, CB

It never hurts to be covered in the event of an Aqib Talib injury.

Round 2

1 (32). Cleveland Browns... Darron Lee, LB

If he gets a back injury, they can play it like Bewitched and just find another Darron somewhere.


2 (33). Tennessee Titans... LaQuon Treadwell, WR

"Ole Miss" sounds like what you'd call an elderly neighbor when you are beyond the range of her hearing aid.


3 (34). Dallas Cowboys... Jaylon Smith, LB

"Jaylon" would rhyme with "Whale On" with a Texas accent.


4 (35). San Diego Chargers...  Noah Spence, LB

He can make two separate tackles at the same time if the ball carriers are of the same species.


5 (36). Baltimore Ravens... Rashard Higgins, WR

They may as well groom a WR, seeing as Steve Smith is nearing 50.


6 (37). San Francisco 49ers... Pharoh Cooper, WR

"Pharoh" is my favorite name in the draft so far, although we may work a "Scooby" into the top 100.


7 (38). Jacksonville Jaguars... Cyrus Jones, CB

"Cannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn you dig it????"


8 (39). Tampa Bay Buccaneers... Robert Nkemdiche, DL

pronounced "Nkemdiche."


9 (40). New York Giants... Kevin Dodd, DE

If he has all ten of his fingers, that's a plus.


10 (41). Chicago Bears... Hunter Henry, TE

Their best TE plays for New England, so they may want to look into the position on Day 2.


11 (42). Miami Dolphins... Kenneth Dixon, RB

Miami has a giant hole in the backfield, and they can just truck this kid over from LSU.


12 (43). Tennessee Titans (from Los Angeles Rams, Philadelphia Eagles)... Kalan Reed, CB

TT gathers up some booty from the #1 overall pick.


13 (44). Oakland Raiders... Shilique Calhoun, DE

This gives them a Khalid and a Shilique on the edges, something you don't see at Duxbury High School many years.


14 (45). Tennessee Titans (from Los Angeles Rams)... Nick Martin, C

If you took a QB at #2 overall like TT did last year, you want to give him 1) a LT to watch his back (check), a WR to throw to (check), and a guy to hike the ball to him (check). They took the cornerback to keep the defense guys from complaining.


15 (46). Detroit Lions... Leonte Carroo, WR

There will never be another Calvin Johnson, but there probably aren't a lot of guys named Leonte Carroo walking around, either.


16 (47). New Orleans Saints... Sheldon Day, DL

If the whole football thing doesn't work out for Sheldon, they can always use him to plug a hole in a levee.


17 (48). Indianapolis Colts... Joe Schobert, LB

You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry... why? Joe Schobert is comin' to town.


18 (49). Buffalo Bills... Cody Whitehair, OG

Buffalo needs a young OL guy for Richie Incognito to bully.


19 (50). Atlanta Falcons... Michael Thomas, WR

Matty Ice needs some more people to throw to.


20 (51). New York Jets... Jason Spriggs, OT

He's a project, but they'll probably let him learn on the job while the future QB learns from the safety of the bench.


21 (52). Houston Texans... Joe Dahl, OL

He could be a tackle, a guard or even a center.



22 (53). Washington Redskins... Paul Perkins, RB

Better call Paul!



23 (54). Minnesota Vikings... Emmanuel Ogbah, DE

His last name looks like "bog" spoken by someone who doesn't 100% understand Pig Latin.



24 (55). Cincinnati Bengals... Austin Johnson, DL 

It never hurts, when you get into the business of drafting large men, to get one who is named after a city.



25 (56). Seattle Seahawks...  Johnathan Bullard, DT

DT is a job on the field where it is good to have it filled by someone with "Bull" in his name.



26 (57). Green Bay Packers... Jihad Ward, DL

You won't have to worry about Intensity when you draft someone named "Jihad."



27 (58). Pittsburgh Steelers... Karl Joseph, S

They could probably use a CB more, but they have an offense that can win shootouts.



28 (59). Kansas City Chiefs... Su'a Cravens, S/LB

He's a hybrid guy who might have a hybrid first name.



29 (60). New England Patriots... Scooby Wright, LB

White guy, believe it or not...



30 (61). New England Patriots (from Arizona Cardinals)... Hassan Ridgeway, DL

New England blew open a hole on the DL when Dominique Easley Hassan played with Malcolm Brown at Texas.



31 (62). Carolina Panthers... Kendall Fuller, CB

They sort of got their hands tied when they released their best CB.



32 (63). Denver Broncos.. Connor Cook, QB

I already hate him, so this pick seems natural.

Round 3

1 (64). Tennessee Titans... Vonn Bell, S

He should invent a fake first name and use "Vonn Bell" as a last name, sort of like Van Halen.


2 (65). Cleveland Browns... Derrick Henry, RB

If they aren't going to be able to throw it, they may as well prepare to run it a lot.


3 (66). San Diego Chargers... Artie Burns, CB

You never want to have a guy named Burns at CB, but you can probably get away with it in Southern California.


4 (67). Dallas Cowboys... Malcolm Mitchell, WR

They give Dez someone to hang around with.


5 (68). San Francisco 49ers... Shon Coleman, OT

As long as he doesn't retire after a year, he'll do better than some SF draft picks.


6 (69). Jacksonville Jaguars... Xavien Howard, CB

It never hurts for a team like Jacksonville to double up on CB.


7 (70). Baltimore Ravens... LeRaven Clark, OT

That's French for "the Raven." They, or he, should get a hometown discount for that.


8 (71). New York Giants... Keanu Neal, S

You don't have to kneel if you're Keanu, you just bend backwards really slow while the bullets miss you.


9 (72). Chicago Bears... Tyler Boyd, WR

Jay Cutler needs more guys to overthrow.


10 (73). Miami Dolphins... Miles Killebrew, S

He sounds look a good guy to hit a tavern with.


11 (74). Tampa Bay Buccaneers... Braxton Miller, WR

They actually have a couple of good WRs, but V-JAX is gettin' old.


12 (75). Oakland Raiders... TJ Green, S

Oakland gets themselves some Green.


13 (76). Tennessee Titans (from Los Angeles Rams)... Jordan Howard, RB

230 pounds of running-straight-forward.


14 (77). Cleveland Browns (from Philadelphia Eagles, Detroit Lions)... Dak Prescott, QB

How can Cleveland continue to be Cleveland? Hand the ball to some guy named "Dak."


15 (78). New Orleans Saints... Joshua Garnett, OG

He went to Stanford, so all of the Southern players will tease him mercilessly.


16 (79). Philadelphia Eagles... Justin Simmons, S

BC kid.


17 (80). Buffalo Bills... Carl Nassib, DE

He comes from a football family, hes 6'7", and he comes from a football family.


18 (81). Atlanta Falcons... Christian Westerman, OG

Keeping Matty Ice upright long enough to spot Julio Jones greatly increases the chances of success in Hotlanta.


19 (82). Indianapolis Colts... Joe Thuney, OL

I think some linebacker somewhere actually took Andrew Luck's spleen as a keepsake last year.


20 (83). New York Jets... Kyle Fackrell, LB

The Jets get themselves a Brady hunter.


21 (84). Washington Redskins... Charone Peake, WR

He can't catch a cold... but if he does catch one, he runs a 4.37.


22 (85). Houston Texans... Max Tuerk, C

They draft someone to hike it to Brock Osweiler.


23 (86). Minnesota Vikings... Jordan Jenkins, LB

Minnesota stocks up on another guy to eventually replace an older starter.


24 (87). Cincinnati Bengals... DJ White, CB

Pac Man Jones can't play forever.


25 (88). Green Bay Packers... Will Redmond, CB

Green Bay is going all-D so far...


26 (89). Pittsburgh Steelers... Sean Davis, CB

Pittsburgh should have addressed this position earlier, but they I got distracted.


27 (90). Seattle Seahawks... Jerald Hawkins, OT

The fact that Russell Wilson can run around does not mean that he should be running around.


28. Kansas City Chiefs (Forfeited)

Yeah, they lose a late third.


29 (91). New England Patriots...  Kolby Listenbee, WR

4.35 in the 40.


30 (92). Arizona Cardinals... Jack Allen, C

He's a regular Jack of all trades, wocka wocka wocka...


31 (93). Carolina Panthers... Willie Beavers, OT

HAS to be southern. Has to be. I'd be funny if he were somehow a Bronx Jew.


32 (94) Denver Broncos... Willie Henry, DT

A pair of Willie's go one after another.


33 (95). Detroit Lions (Compensatory Selection)... Darrell Greene, OL

Described as "a thick ball of power" in the scouting guide I read.


34 (96). New England Patriots (Compensatory Selection)... Spencer Drango, OL

Not giving a damn what Denver and Seattle do after this pick, we drop the mic and go get Chinese food.

Much love to our host, the Massachusetts Maritime Academy...