Sunday, April 24, 2016

Gunfire Erupts In Duxbury


What the fuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?

For the second time in recent memory, there has been a shooting in Duxbury.

Details are sketchy, but a man in a car was randomly shooting people as he wheeled around the swanky South Shore suburb.

A man was shot as he drove past a car on Tobey Garden, and another one was shot as he walked his dog. I'm hearing "shotgun," "Impala, Maine plates," "non-life-threatening injuries" and "they almost had him after shooting #1, and got him right after shooting #2."

Duxbury's finest already have the man (25 y/o Lucas McPherson) in custody, so you can go about your business, citizens.

See more from FOX-25.

Duxbury is normally a quiet town. The only shooting is of Bull.

They did have a rapper (Benzino) get shot recently.

"It's getting to be like Brockton-by-the-sea," as Cape Codders say of Hyannis or Wareham now and then.

.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Hulk Smash(ed)!


I'm not a Trump supporter, and would vote for him only for economic reasons (i.e. "We get paid to write comedy on this website"). However, I'm here today to speak out against a damaged Trump sign.

I would vote for Trump if I was told to do so by The Incredible Hulk, of course... also for economic reasons ("I can't afford the hospital bills were I to be smashed into pulp by a big green gamma ray monster"). Vote early and often, my friend.

A home in Halifax had a TRUMP sign damaged last night, right in their own front yard. We're not cool with that. If you hate a candidate or the sitting President, hit back by peaceful means. Vote against him, aid the campaign of his/her rival, start a blog and mouth off all day... that's all good.

If your hatred leads you to invade and destroy someone's private property... well, you're an @ss clown.

My man in Halifax had a sign up... hanging off of what looks like a ten foot high Incredible Hulk statue. Because it's in Halifax, the Hulk had a really cool hat, too.

My friend decided to hang his TRUMP sign off of his Hulk statue, probably to attain greater visibility and probably not to reference the Trump SMASH! meme. He doesn't get in the streets and yell at people, nor does he go to rallies and sucker-punch Bern victims. He just hung a political sign off of his 10 foot Incredible Hulk statue, just like the Constitution says he can. I actually checked with the police, and found that 0.00 people were harmed by this sign.

That respect was not returned to the Hulk. Some butt-munch, most likely striking when a calmed Hulk was in his more-easily-messed-with Dr. David Banner personification, tore the sign down. Because the sign was tied to the statue by something stronger than what the statue was made off, the villain(s) tore the feet off of the statue in the process.

If you did this vandalism, here's why you suck.

The Hulk actually pre-dates Donald Trump in my friend's yard by a few years, and most likely viewed Trump as a potential VP candidate during the brief time that they shared the yard. The reason that the Hulk hangs around a Halifax front yard is because a mother took a lot of time to stitch the Hulk together. She did so because she had a child, a guy we'll call MADD MIKE.

(Editor's note: We're not sure if MADD MIKE is a drunk driving reference, and we don't plan to ask)

MADD MIKE passed away, and the Hulk was left up as a sort of tribute. A tribute to a lost son, in case we didn't hammer the point home hard enough earlier.

Now, someone who prefers Hillary or Ted Cruz might snatch a sign here and there. "Hey, what harm could it do?" or "How was I to know that the sign was something special to a grieving family?

Well, that's why you don't destroy the sign, pal. You never know...

There is a reward for information leading to the identification of the people responsible. I'm hoping that the owner of the Hulk, who I can assure you is not a man to be trifled with, understands the difference between an "A reward will be given if an arrest is made" legal bounty and an "A reward will be given once I break this kid's jaw" agreement (known among people who specialize in these matters as a "blood money contract") which the detectives will visit his house for.

Just to play it safe... if you know something, talk to the Halifax Police. You can reach them at 781-294-8713. If you worry that the police won't rough the perp up... understand that this is a small town, know that word gets around small towns, and karma is a bitch Hulk.



Multi-Vehicle Accident On Bourne Bridge



Traffic is jammed as the authorities work to clear a multi-vehicle accident off of the Bourne Bridge.

I just crossed, it took me 25 minutes to get over.

There were two cars involved, one with the tire smashed off, one with the front end caved in. It may have been a head-on, although the vehicles were a few dozen yards apart.

UPDATE: ALL CLEAR


Monday, April 18, 2016

The Battle Of Marshfield


As we approach April 19th, it is easy to view the American Revolution as a US vs. England thing... even if most of the Americans still thought of themselves as English (Paul Revere never shouted "The British are coming!" during his ride, entirely because of this phenomena. Paul actually was shouting the less poetic "The regulars are out!") when the fighting started.

The US/England thing is easy to understand now, a few hundred years after the fact. What is less-known is that there existed considerable static between towns during the pre-revolt period.

The basic cause of this discord was the issue that would launch the Revolution. Some people thought that the colonies should break free from the crown, while others thought that we should remain in the kingdom. As that famous American we know as Mel Gibson once said, "an elected legislature can trample your rights just as easily as a king can." 

Others disagreed with Mel, and there was thick tension in the air throughout the 1760s and 1770s. If you voiced the wrong political opinion at the wrong tavern, you might be chased from the town by a mob.

Here are a few examples of what would happen to you if you failed to say "Screw The Crown" quickly enough in pre-war New England. Its a lot of reading, but it should prove entertaining.

- "At Taunton also, about 40 Miles from Boston, the Mob attacked the House of Daniel Leonard, Esqr.,3 one of his Majesty’s Justices of the Peace; & a Barrister at Law. They fired Bullets into the House & obliged him to fly from it to save his Life."

- "Peter Oliver Esqr., a Justice of the Peace at Middleborough, was obliged by the Mob to sign an Obligation not to execute his Office under the new Acts. At the same Place, a Mr. Silas Wood... was dragged by a Mob of 2 or 300 Men about a Mile to a River in Order to drown him, but, one of his Children hanging around him with Cries & Tears, he was induced to recant, though, even then, very reluctantly."

- "The Mob at Concord, about 20 Miles from Boston, abused a Deputy Sheriff of Middlesex, they making him pass through a Lane of them, sometimes walking backwards & sometimes forward, Cap in Hand, & they beating him."

- "All the Plymouth Protestors against Riots, as also all the military Officers, were compelled by a Mob of 2000 Men collected from that County & the County of Barnstable to recant & resign their military Commissions. Although the Justices of the Peace were then sitting in the Town of Plymouth, yet the Mob ransacked the House of a Mr. Foster, a Justice of the Court of Common Pleas, a Man of 70 Years of Age, which obliged him to fly into the Woods to secrete himself, where he was lost for some Time and was very near to the losing of his Life."

- "A Jesse Dunbar, of Halifax in the County of Plymouth, (was) ordered it into a Cart, & then put ... into the Belly of the (slaughtered) Ox and carted him 4 Miles, with a Mob around him, when they made him pay a Dollar after taking three other Cattle & a Horse from him. They then delivered him to another Mob, who carted him 4 Miles further & forced another Dollar from him. The second Mob delivered him to a third Mob, who abused him by throwing Dirt at him, as also throwing the Offals [innards] in his Face & endeavoring to cover him with it, to the endangering his Life, & after other Abuses, & carrying him 4 Miles further, made him pay another Sum of Money. They urged the Councilor’s Lady, at whose House they stopped, to take the Ox; but she being a Lady of a firm Mind refused; upon which they tipped the Cart up & the Ox down into the Highway, & left it to take Care of it self. And in the Month of February following, this same Dunbar was selling Provisions at Plymouth when the Mob seized him, tied him to his Horse’s Tail, & in that Manner drove him through Dirt & mire out of the Town."

- "In November 1774, David Dunbar of Halifax aforesaid, being an Ensign in the Militia, a Mob headed by some of the Select Men of the Town, demand[ed] his Colors [flags] of him. He refused, saying, that if his commanding Officer demanded them he should obey, otherwise he would not part with them: upon which they broke into his House by Force & dragged him out. They had prepared a sharp Rail to set him upon;12 & in resisting them they seized him (by his private parts) & fixed him upon the Rail, & was held on it by his Legs & Arms, & tossed up with Violence & greatly bruised so that he did not recover for some Time. They beat him, & after abusing him about two Hours he was obliged, in Order to save his Life, to give up his Colors."

- "A Parish Clerk was taken out of his Bed in a Cold Night & beat against his Hearth by Men who held him by his Arms & Legs. He was then laid across his Horse without his Clothes & drove to a considerable Distance in that naked Condition. His Nephew Dr. Abner Beebe, a Physician, complained of the bad Usage of his Uncle & spoke very freely in Favor of [the royal] Government, for which he was assaulted by a Mob, stripped naked, & hot Pitch was poured upon him, which blistered his Skin. He was then carried to an Hog Sty & rubbed over with Hog’s Dung. They threw the Hog’s Dung in his Face & rammed some of it down his Throat;"

- In Freetown, they used to paint Loyalists yellow, as "the Mob found that paint is cheaper than Tar and Feathers."

- "Patriots from Duxbury did kidnap Marshfield Loyalists Paul White, Dr. Stockbridge and Elisha Ford, and carted them to the "Liberty Pole" in Duxbury. There they were "forced to sign recantations" of their Tory sentiments, likely in response to mob violence."

By 1768, the crown deemed it necessary to send 4000 troops to pacify Boston, which was also getting ugly. Other than the potential for a Lexington-style suburban incursion by British troops, the countryside was (mostly) left on her own.

You know how it went from there. In 1770, the redcoats fired on the colonists, in what is known as the Boston Massacre. In 1773, the Boston Tea Party went down. In 1775, on April 19th, warfare broke out at Lexington/Concord.

As you can still see in modern occupational wars like Iraq or Afghanistan, the occupiers tend to stick to the cities. You have airports and docks to move supplies in, and cities usually sit astride rivers and highways that other trade flows through. The countryside tends to belong to the rebels.

This was the case in Massachusetts. Remember, the Revolution didn't start until the redcoats marched far enough out into the countryside to find farmers crazy enough to pick a fight with the world's best light infantry. While they may not use exactly those terms, every schoolkid in America can tell you the basics of Lexington/Concord.

What they can't tell you about (unless they read this column, of course) is the Battle of Marshfield. There's a good reason for this... there was no Battle Of Marshfield.

Brant Rock, MA
However, history is often drawn by tricks of fate, coincidence, miscalculations and itchy trigger fingers. An itchy trigger finger set off the Boston Massacre, started the Revolution, and was still happening when the National Guard went hippy-hunting at Kent State almost 200 years after the redcoats landed in Boston Harbor. If Marshfield in 1775 had been visited by ol' Mr. Finger, our history lessons would have been very different.

While an apt high school kid could tell you that Boston was occupied by the redcoats before the Revolution, they might not know that Marshfield also bore this status. Marsh Vegas, as it was then not known as, was a Loyalist hotbed. People in Vegas had no problem at all with the crown, at least the ones with the money and influence. They preferred change through diplomacy over revolt.

Even noting the fact that Marshfield patriots in 1773 had their own Marshfield Tea Party (on Tea Rock Hill), Marshfield was the most Loyalist town in New England.

This put them at odds with the neighboring towns. Duxbury and Plymouth were hotbeds of Patriot activity, and you saw with the Dunbar brothers how Halifax handled Loyalists. Not wishing to be mashed in Hog Dung, the loyalists in Marshfield sent a letter to General Gage, who was in charge of Boston. They demanded protection, and Gage complied, sending 100 men and 300 muskets on two schooners (the Dianna and the Britannia) down to Marsh Vegas in 1775. They were under the command of future Parliament member Captain Nesbit Balfour.

These redcoats disembarked at the mouth of the North River and marched 6 miles to the Nathaniel Ray Thomas estate. He was only the second most famous occupant, which is why you know it today as the Daniel Webster House. You can see a picture of it here, or you can drive down Washington Street in Duxbury to see a similar house in person. It looked like the mansion from Django Unchained.

The redcoats set up their barracks on the grounds of the estate, and proceeded to piss off the locals. They would go to taverns or private homes in Duxbury and Plymouth. They behaved well enough, but they would have been hated in Duxbury even if they walked across water to get there. There is at least one story of a mob chasing a British officer into a Plymouth store, and not letting him out until he surrendered (and they broke) his sword.

Naturally, the entertainment in Boston served to get the locals' moxie up. Duxbury had already hosted Stamp Act protests, burned a dozen Englishmen in effigy and kidnapped Loyalists for Liberty Pole parties. The presence of 100 redcoats a town over was, as they liked to say then, intolerable.

You didn't see a lot of South Shore people at Lexington. Paul Revere went west, not south. By the time that word of Lexington/Concord got to Duxbury, they would not have had time to get up to Boston for the battle. We did send some men up to Lexington/Concord, but most of the South Shore got off no shots at the redcoats fleeing Concord.

They didn't need to march to get at the regulars... they had 100 of them right there on the South Shore, sleeping on the lawn of a Marshfield mansion.

The South Shore towns had militia, and they had been training for this moment. They dropped everything on April 19th and gathered at what is now known as the John Alden House in Duxbury, under the command of  Colonel Theophilus Cotton.

No one knows what went on in the John Alden house that night, nor on the day of the 20th, when a council of war was held. What we do know is that Cotton, of Plymouth, failed to attack. He may have hoped that the British would leave on their own, or he may have feared a rabble-vs-regulars fight, or he may have been waiting for more people.

He got more people quickly enough. Companies arrived from Rochester and Plympton to join the Duxbury, Plymouth and Kingston patriots. Fishermen from various local harbors, always fixin' for a fight, threw themselves into the mix. Colonel Cotton soon had five hundred men, five times the number of the British they wished to oust from Marshfield.

They marched to within a mile of the British regiment, not without some argument.  The cautious Cotton still refused to attack. A company from Kingston (led by Capt. Peleg Wadsworth), perhaps seeking to atone for their now-unfortunate town name, advanced without orders to within firing range of the British camp. Ish was about to get hectic.

However, there were no British to kill. The British garrison, who would have surrendered if fired upon, had instead run like a scalded dog.

The schooner Hope, along with two smaller sloops (the sloops had been "prest" into service, and were two of the first AmRev prizes taken by the Brisih Navy) arrived at the mouth of the Cut River in Green Harbor. They gathered up the soldiers and whatever Loyalists they could find and fled for Boston. The citizens of Marshfield alerted the British to the arrival of the ships by firing guns from Signal Hill. These were the only shots fired in the Battle Of Marshfield.

Then, the ass-kicking began. The South Shore is interesting, if not unique, in that our violence goes down after the troops leave.


Marshfield had 1200 people at the time, and only a few of them could get on those ships. Everyone else was left to fend for themselves, as the British Army and Navy were at this point bottled up in Boston.

Marshfield, a Tory town without the necessary Tory army to keep it safe, exploded in an orgy of assaults, tar-n-featherings, jailings, property confiscation, business boycotts and exile. Whoever could afford a boat ride to Nova Scotia fled. Everyone else stayed, and suffered abuse for it.

"Our fate now decreed, and we are left to mourn out our days in wretchedness. No other resources but to submit to the tyranny of exulting enemies or settle a new country," said Sarah Winslow of Marshfield not too long after the British surrender at Yorktown. Her father said, "I was the butt of the licentious, and had received every species of insult and abuse, which the utmost rancour and malice could invent."

People were more cheerful in Patriot towns. "Returning to Duxbury fro' Brant Rock, Lt. Colonel Alden paused, and to the Delight of the assembeld militia, doth dropped Trou and thusly disparaged the grounds of the traitorous Winslow house by dropping a most malodorous and sizable Steamer near the well of the property," one Revolutionary diary didn't, but should have, said.

Those who did get away weren't always welcomed back. A ship from Nova Scotia, loaded with returning Marshfield Tories, was refused permission to disembark in the Neponset River by the town of Milton. The Tories eventually were let off at the North River, where they were promptly arrested.

Marshfield, much like someone tied to the Liberty Pole or being made to run a Gauntlet, finally caved in. Three months after the British Army was chased from Brant Rock, a town meeting resulted in Marshfield agreeing to support the Revolution. They sent their men off to fight, just like other towns.

Marshfield, for a long time, had more subdued celebrations of July 4th than neighboring towns did. Some years, they didn't celebrate the holiday at all. This sort of got played out in the 1950s and especially 1970s, as the demographics of the town were wildly altered by urban immigration. The incoming Bostonians loved July 4th, and by the time of my childhood, the Vegas coastline represented as hard as anyone.

Duxbury and the surrounding towns contributed mightily to the cause. Taking the 300 British muskets they found at the Thomas estate, they marched to Boston and joined up with George Washington. Duxbury men were involved in fortifying Dorchester Heights, which forced the British out of Boston. Unlike just about everyone involved in the Siege of Boston, the Duxbury men had already seen the British Navy flee before them once by the time the Limey Poofters sailed away from Boston.

Duxbury men served with George Washington at Valley Forge, and fought with him at Germantown and Monmouth. Washington was known to favor the fishermen of coastal Massachusetts as rowers. Duxbury men also manned a fort built out on the Gurnet. It saw no action in the Revolution, but they got to let off a few shots during the War of 1812.

It is interesting to ponder how the Brits would have reacted if Capt. Wadsworth had decided to charge the overmatched regulars. We know how the immediate battle would have worked, as Captain Balfour told us himself. The Brits would have surrendered with the first Rebel shot.

There's a difference between 100 soldiers and the entire Royal Navy, however. As we saw during the Battle of Wareham in 1812. the British would sail a squadron into town and burn every ship in the harbor for piracy. How wold they react after the loss of a whole garrison, especially if the battle which lost them turned into a massacre? Probably not well.

Duxbury did not embrace shipbuilding until after the Revolution, but they did need their harbor, and had nothing beyond a crude fort to keep the British from sailing in to set the whole town ablaze. Duxbury was a backwater, perhaps not meriting an invasion, but Plymouth was a high-profile revenge target.

Taking Plymouth would effectively cut off Cape Cod and the South Shore from contributing to the war effort, and would have the Brits very well positioned for a march on Rhode Island. The South Shore would have almost certainly got some Grey's Raid kind of action.. Never drink Earl Grey tea, it's associated with the son of the Grey's Raid captain who attacked Fairhaven, New Bedford and Martha's Vineyard.

The Battle of Marshfield may have indeed proved to be a Phyrric Phirryc Pyrrhic costly victory, and the whole war effort may have been jeopardized by the desire of some Plymouth County farmers to seize a contested Marsh Vegas front yard.

However, all of that never happened. Colonel Cotton, viewed by many as a wussy, was actually a fine leader. He went all Sun-Tzu on the English, not moving to attack until victory was assured. He cleared out one of the two English-occupied towns in Massachusetts, and he did so without wasting an ounce of gunpowder.

Colonel Cotton is actually twice-famous, as he led a group of patriots in 1774 who tried to move Plymouth Rock to a better viewing area. He split the Rock while doing so, and you can still see the split today. That's a story or another day.

So, as you do something 'Murica today to commemorate the Patriot actions in Boston, Lexington and Concord, lay back and twist one in honor of the 500 South Shore bad-asses who chased the British away.
Old Glory flying on Duxbury Beach, facing Marshfield.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Massachusetts Signature Sandwiches, By Region


Massachusetts tends to be associated with seafood, and perhaps rightfully so. But very few people sit down to lunch and have some haddock. We're sandwich people.

Each region of Massachusetts has a local favorite as far as sandwiches go. Sometimes, the association is direct, such as Somerville and the Fluffernutter. Sometimes, a sandwich wins by being the last major one we have to use and getting paired with the last part of Massachusetts we haven't hit yet, like the Fried Baloney out in the Berkshires.

No one is saying "Only in Hampden County can you get a really good PB&J sandwich," except for our map... and our map doesn't really even mean it.

We'll explain our reasoning in a moment, but here is the color-coded map. The smaller areas will be explained in the text


Too Small To Label = Fried Bologna (central Berkshires)

Some regions are not won in a landslide. Many regions will be assigned a signature sandwich that may not dominate locally. Steak and Cheese or Tuna Salad may outsell Linguica in Fall River, but the Linguica will still represent disproportionately to the extent that it colors the region.

Offhand, I'd imagine that Italian, Steak & Cheese, Meatball and Chicken Parmesan all sell about the same in most places, and could have been put anywhere on our map. We used about 5% demographics and 95% randomness to decide where stuff should go. That's how we operated in any region without a clear winner, and we tended to default West until we hit a border.

Basically, everything past that 495 snow line you see on TV weather is sort of a Best Of thing... they're out of our coverage area, so eff them. Some blogger in Longmeadow can call us Chowderheads or Swamp Yankees, it all evens out in the end.

The argument about "If we only feel that eastern Massachusetts has signature sandwiches, why not just do an EMASS article?" was an easier one to solve than the arguments we were going to have over leaving out sandwiches like PB+J, Steak & Cheese and so forth. Trust me, this article is over 2 weeks old as I'm editing it, and 11 days of that was pure Argument among the staff.

Let this be more Edutainment for you than an iron-clad basis for culinary law. Here is how we score things.




CAPE COD AND THE ISLANDS... THE LOBSTER ROLL

Cape Cod has the only seafood-based sandwich on the list, a bit of a shocker with towns like Gloucester and New Bedford falling outside of her range.

What's worse is that the Lobster Roll sandwich originated in friggin' Connecticut, and is now most (and perhaps exclusively) associated with Maine.

With all the tourists running through Cape Cod, the Lobster Roll is a good introductory course in Lobster for any landlubber who might need to be eased into things.

This sandwich also owns the immediate coastal areas of the South Coast, and most likely some sections of the South Shore as well. The runner-up Cape Cod Reuben was mentioned, but not much.

It is the signature sandwich for the region of the state that has the town of Sandwich in it, so the who-goes-first argument just ended.

THE SOUTH COAST... THE LINGUICA SUB

The heavily Portuguese sections of the South Coast not only put a stop to the Irish Riviera, but they also drop a spicy sausage into the face of the turkey sandwich and the lobster roll people.

Even areas on the South Coast without large Portuguese populations live close enough to know the Goodness. Linguica, onions, peppers, sub roll... no condiments needed.

Portuguese of any sort don't mess around in the kitchen. I dated a Cape Verdean girl once, take my word for it...

If you've never dated a Cape Verdean girl... let me tell you what her father told me while she was making me wait before picking her up... "There are two rooms in the house where a Cape Verdean girl excels... one is the kitchen, and have I shown you my new rifle?"

Unrelated, but linguica is the best pizza topping out there, IMHO.

PLYMOUTH COUNTY... THE GOBBLER

The Gobbler, aka the Thanksgiving Sandwich, the Any-Pilgrim-Name Sandwich, or the Turkey-Cranberry-Stuffing sandwich, is the only real choice for Plymouth County.

The sub shops may sell more Italians or Ham & Cheese subs than this sandwich, but the Thanksgiving Sub is still very representative of the region. It is the only region of the state with multiple turkey-sandwich shops operating in close proximity.

Only the sections of the state assigned to Roast Beef and Lobster Rolls got less argument than the Gobbler got in Plymouth County. The Gobbler even gobbled up some of Bristol and Norfolk Counties.

On the day after Thanksgiving, the Gobbler goes from being Plymouth County's signature sandwich to America's signature sandwich until the resources are exhausted.


DUXBURY BEACH/BUZZARDS BAY... THE BACON SANDWICH

Many people would consider this to be a BLT, but they would be incorrect. Lettuce goes nowhere near a proper bacon sandwich.

No, a man considering a bacon sandwich wants nothing to do with lettuce. Replace it with cheese, because why go half way when you try to clog an artery?

I listed Duxbury Beach and (the village of) Buzzards Bay as the region for the Bacon Sandwich simply because I grew up in one and presently live in the other. In an episode of mobility unique to this list, the Mecca of Bacon Sandwiches is found wherever you find the author of this article.

Many people consider me to be a sort of Bacon God, mostly due to my heroic consumption of the Death Meat. I actually forced a Cape-area hotel into changing their breakfast buffet menu, just to allow them to stay afloat financially.

Bacon sandwiches are considered to be one of the best hangover cures. They are also the only food you can eat that is somehow better if you smoke during your meal. The tobacco adds nothing to the meal, other than setting the tone for a Live Now sort of dietary style.




SHARON... PASTRAMI SANDWICH

Sharon has a sizable Russian population, and some of them are the sort who eat together at the Carnegie Deli with David Lee Roth and Arthur Fonzarelli.

Hot Pastrami is a heroic meal, not many eat it daily, and it is more of a treat than a sub shop top-seller. It is very fortunate to be on this list.

The ranking of this sandwich in this town is our nod of the head in thanks to all of the delicatessen people of the past. The Greeks and Italians run the sandwich biz these days, but it was once a very Jewish trade... still is, in some parts.

Sharon pays the price for this, but the price is one of the better sandwiches.

BOSTON 1A... THE FLUFFERNUTTER

Fluff was invented in Somerville, while the sandwich was invented by the hyper-intellect of Melrose's Emma Curtis, then was first sold en masse from Swampscott and is now patented by a Lynn company

If my map for Fluffernutter doesn't represent one of those regions, try to understand... if you know the difference, it doesn't matter, and if you don't know the difference, it doesn't matter. We work in blocs.

The Fluffernutter is a strange duck. No one in New England tries to order one in a deli, aside from tourists. It's more of a stoner creation that wasn't invented by a stoner, and very much akin to something that Elvis might have made for himself when his personal chef was away.

The Fluffernutter is frequently mentioned as a candidate for Official State Sandwich, but that's a job for some other food critic.


BOSTON 1B... FENWAY FRANKS

Hot Dogs are a tough sell on this list... but any tourist visiting Boston should check out Fenway Park, and everyone checking out Fenway Park should have Fenway Franks. She gets her own category for this.

Hot Dogs and Hamburgers hold an almost honorary place on this list. It would be hard to choose one spot for each of them. They could very easily dominate this map.

If you need closure, imagine that, if you zoomed in on the map, you'd see tiny little dots of two different colors all over the state. If you zoomed in even further, you'd see these dots almost everywhere. The larger dots would be the 7-11 type stores selling hot dogs, or the McDonald's type stores selling hamburgers. The smaller dots would be an endless series of barbecues.

Remember, hot dogs are a choking risk. 17% of childhood asphyxiations one year involved hot dogs.

If you want a dot for burgers, put it out in Wilbraham or wherever Friendly's keeps her corporate HQ. If you think Italian Sausage belongs, put another dot just outside the stadium.




THE NORTH SHORE... ROAST BEEF SANDWICHES

Places like Mike's and Nick's and Harrison's sort of set the tone. Mike's Roast Beef in Everett pretty much slams the door on the Fluffernutter's run of regional sandwich dominance, although they trade neighborhoods off into Swampscott and Lynn.

You can get a good lobster roll on the North Shore, in spite of what a Cape Codder or a Mainer tells you. They also have enough Italians (and people of other nationalities who know that Italians rule the kitchen) that any sub with "parmesan" in it is going to sell.

However, this is the North Shore. Answer #1 is "roast beef." Answer #2 is "huge gap." Answer #3 is "everything else."

You can get into a Mike's vs Nick's argument on the South Shore, a feat which I- a South Shore kid- can not replicate in the converse with a South Shore restaurant and North Shore people.



NE CENTRAL MASSACHUSETTS... THE ITALIAN SUB

This sub and this region are where we start generalizing.

We're at that section of the menu where we have to make sure that we get all of the important sandwiches into the mix, and we won't allow the Italian to get too far away from Boston.

I'm sure that a thousand Italian Subs are sold in Somerville for every Fluffernutter ordered off a Kid's Menu, although the Fluff makes a comeback when you factor in Home Consumption.

There is no reason other than a high concentration of Italians to put this sub here. The inland areas of Massachusetts rock a 10-15% concentration of people claiming Italian heritage, and those people (and non-Italian lovers of Italian food) move a lot of Large Italian, Everything subs.

It gets points (as do Meatball and Steak Bombs) for being among the most popular in every town. It's a big seller everywhere you put it, even in neighborhoods with people who may have a grandfather who took a bullet at Anzio.

Is there a better use anywhere for oil and vinegar?


SE CENTRAL MASSACHUSETTS... THE STEAK BOMB

BOOM! You dropped a (steak) bomb on me, baby...

Make no mistake, the cheesesteak sandwich is Philadelphia's sandwich by any definition. However, the Steak Bomb is very much identified with New England, and rare is the Massachusetts sub shop which doesn't offer it.

We differ from Philly in that we don't use Cheez-Whiz, and that we do (sometimes) use salami. I think we sort of take the W in that equation, but Philly knows best.

This is another famous sandwich being used for a region that doesn't really have any claim for Steak Bomb dominance. It's just how the map shook itself out. We put the Italian sub up in NE Central Massachusetts because we think- never actually researched- that there are more Eye-tal-yans up there.

We even moved the Bomb down into the sections of Bristol County that the turkeys and the Portagees didn't claim.


NW/CENTRAL MASSACHUSETTS... THE MEATBALL SUB

Meatball, Italian and Steak/Cheese could have gone in any order. The Meatball Sub was sort of driven out into the deep sticks by the other two, but that doesn't mean that we have any less love for it. The sub in this picture ended up in my tummy.

There aren't any large concentrations of Italians out in the western part of the state, so why not call it a nice place for New York hero ideas to blend with Massachusetts sub themes?

At worst, even at some dumpy Deerfield sandwich shop, you should be able to get a tolerable meatball sub. Learn to live with it. The original, rough draft of this article had "Something you killed yourself" for everything west of Worcester.

If you want to push the issue, we'd include Chicken, Veal and Eggplant parmesan subs as well in this category.

It sort of serves as the de facto resting place for Hamburgers, too.

SW/CENTRAL MASSACHUSETTS... THE PB&J

The main idea in this section is that the UMass-Amherst area should get dibs on the classic broke-kid sandwich.

The PB&J should probably be the top sandwich in every region of the state, because Children. We kept moving her west, however... but she went no further than Amherst.

I'm tempted to pay homage to Springfield and Holyoke's Latino population with some sort of ethnic sandwich... but, yo, PB&J!

They weren't far from getting Venison, so they should be happy with every kid's fave!

Peanut butter and jelly, her inventor unknown, was first suggested as a pairing for a sandwich  by Julia Davis Chandler in 1901 in the Boston Cooking-School Magazine of Culinary Science and Domestic Economics.


SOUTHERN BERKSHIRES... GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH

Our tendency to outsource kid sandwiches to the western regions continues.

Much like the PB&J, the Grilled Cheese is probably consumed more in the North Shore than the Roast Beef sandwich which the region is known for. It tends to be the first cooked-sandwich that a kid learns how to make.

The GC may have indeed toppled a heavyweight in the East if it were something that you order in a deli. It is a Kid's Menu favorite in family restaurants all around New England, but it heads out to the Berkshires in these rankings.

We were going to link an Epic Meal Time video about Grilled Cheese here, but they put McDoubles and Jagermeister into theirs... which is cool, but not representative of local culinary preferences.



NORTHERN BERKSHIRES... THE HAM AND CHEESE SANDWICH

"Get the cheese and the bread for the ham."

The ham and cheese is the last major sandwich to make this list.

It may also be the most boring sandwich beyond Tuna Fish and (unfried) Bologna. Perhaps the first choice of nobody, it still stops short of being the last resort.

We also have it here as a landmark. Once you have H&C on the menu, you really do have the basics of a sub shop menu completed. We've missed a few (see "Notable Exceptions," below), some of them important, but you would have the basics handled.

I've been disrespecting the Ham... its the #2 sandwich in America, trailing only turkey.


DEEP IN THE SWAMPS AND HIGH IN THE HILLS... FRIED BOLOGNA

This is an Appalachian-born sandwich, and it works up the mountain chains into the Bay State.

I put it out here because you get the sense that it might be someone's Christmas dinner once you get into those mountain towns.

This sandwich is very popular throughout Massachusetts, a sort of Poor Man's Pastrami.

It is a Swamp Yankee treat of the highest order.


Notable Exceptions, or sandwiches that didn't get a region:

Tuna Fish

BLT

Cuban Sandwich

Dunkin' Donuts Breakfast Sandwich

Sausage And Peppers

The Elvis (PB & banana)

Chicken Salad

American

Egg Salad

Vegetarian

Seafood Salad

Corned Beef

Buffalo Chicken

Bratwurst

Butter Sandwich

Taco/Burrito/Enchilada

Jam Sandwich

Pulled Pork

Miracle Whip Sandwich

Chicken Cutlet

French Dip

Filet-o-Fish style sandwiches

Sloppy Joe/Manwich

Friday, April 15, 2016

Buttermilk Bay Beach Replenishment

Buttermilk Bay is a body of water in the village of Buzzards Bay, in the town of Bourne. There is also Little Buttermilk Bay connected to it. I know, it gets confusing, but bear with us here. I am presently unaware of any name existing for the beach in front of Hideaway Village... "Hideaway Beach" is already taken, by Marco Island, Florida. (Editor's Note: We found a reference to "Hideaway Village Cove" on this site)


People ask "Why don't they just call this part of town Buttermik Bay?" Sorry, but that's taken by Plymouth. "Buttermilk Bay" is the southernmost village in Plymouth. If the Plymouth version of Buttermilk Bay touches the body of water that is Buttermilk Bay, it doesn't touch much of it. (Editor's Note: The Plymouth village doesn't touch her namesake bay it stops at Head Of The Bay Road. Bourne is the only town which touches both Cape Cod Bay and Buzzards Bay)

I'd complain, but I live in the village of Buzzards Bay, which only touches the body of water that is Buzzards Bay in the slightest way. If you need to be more confused, you enter Buttermilk Bay by going through Cohasset Narrows. The actual Cohasset town is about 40 miles north, in Norfolk County. Welcome to Cape Cod.

All of this sand is going to help restore the beach in the Hideaway Village area of Buzzards Bay. HV fronts Buttermilk Bay, if I phrased that proper-like. They get low (3 foot, as opposed to 8-9 foot tides I used to see on Duxbury Beach) tides, and minimal wave action.

However, it doesn't take much tidal compulsion to move beach sand down the line into Wareham. This sand meets with soil run-off from the Red Brook in the Wareham/Plymouth/Bourne tri-corner, and helps form an ever-growing estuary. There is some danger of sanding over a rather nice clam-digging area, but you can always buy some hip-waders and march out into the shallows with a fat rake. There is also a history in this direct area of rapid/total eelgrass depletion following development.

Erosion wins by attrition, rather than in a singular, overwhelming charge. Even if you just lose a few grains of sand with each wave, it all adds up over time. It's perfectly natural, and all good... unless, of course, you want to sit by the shore instead of having the shore move inland past your house. In that case, you need to replenish the lost sand.

Have no fear, Hideaway Village is here! They're dumping all of this sand down, hopefully the X part of a "Beach Remaining After Erosion + X Amount Of Sand = Cozy Beach" equation. By my own conservative estimates, they have enough sand stacked on this beach to fill 873,290 kitty litter boxes.


One thing we always said on Duxbury Beach.... never do work on shoreline property until mid-to-late April. This is 25% because of "the chance of storms," 25% because of "high spring tides," and 50% of "both." The Hideaway people are nowhere near the high tide line, and should lose no new sand to a high tide.

We'll be back with more pics once they've spread it around a bit.


Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Shadowy, Baseless Dominique Easley Speculation





A few thoughts about the release of New England Patriots DL Dominque Easley:

- Dom has an extensive injury history. He's wrecked both of his knees, has never finished an adult season healthy, and will now be someone else's problem.

- Perhaps the Pats had a look at his knees, saw something they couldn't stand, and bailed out early.

- Dominque is Easley the worst draft pick of the 2010s for Bill Belichick.

- He just converted to Islam last month. Perhaps he either turned up on the wrong Homeland Security list, or the FBI came calling about his activities? This is our wildest guess, it is an ugly guess, and I have no reason to believe it's true. We're just kicking up ideas here following the unexpected release of a 23 year old kid ranked 12th in the NFL at his position by Pro Football Focus.

- I do wonder if, when you release a player who has the FBI calling about him, you are obligated to tell potential suitors about it... kinda like when you buy a house that someone died in?

- Belichick has determined that not only will Donald Trump win the election, but that Trump will deport Muslims once he is President.

- He was in Miami on the night of the Tray Walker accident, and is often mentioned as the Patriots player that the police were interested in speaking with. After the Hernandez circus, they can't afford to have a second player turn up in a trial.

- Various player movements could speak of the Pats going back to a 3-4 defense.  If the knee won't hold up on a 3-4 D-Line and he's too hobbled to play LB, there's not much we can do with him.

- Belichick's legal people found a mistake in the wording in the penalty issued by the NFL over Deflategate which says they have to give up a first round draft pick... but not which first round draft pick.

- Dominique is somehow able to suffer knee injuries while playing Madden.

- Easley is an avid motorcycle guy with a clause in his contract prohibiting motorcycles. The Pats found out and stand a chance of getting out of a first-rounder contract with an oft-injured player.

- Check that... he likes regular bikes.