Trump Cat... It Might Happen

A lot of my pets have political names. I had a litter of kittens once named Republicat, Democat, Romneycat, Obamacat and.....and Puffy Cat, who was too puffy to name anything else.

I ended up with Republicat, which is ironic because I lean left politically. My conservative neighbor got Obamacat. My neighbor and I, who never let politics get in the way of a good cat, are both perfectly happy with our opposition party pets.

That's why, in the spirit of Unity, I'm thinking bout dyeing the top of my cat's head orange and calling it Trump Cat.

He was once known as Saint Nick, became Diamond, morphed into Tummy Cat, and now may become Trump Cat. He's a white Maine Coon, he was brought into my life by an X and I think it would look good on him.

Just a little orange on the top... should wash right out once I regain my senses, right?

I'm fairly liberal, but Trump is our President, and we all have to deal with this fact at some point.

I go way, way back with a noted Kingston hair stylist.... once I talk to her, Trump Cat just may happen. It's a shame that animals feel pain, because I have a Yankee Candle that is just the right color.

Trump Cat... he's the pussy(cat) that grabs YOU.

Update to come....80% chance that someone talks me out of it, 75% chance that the Obamacat neighbor sneaks over while I'm at work and kidnaps Tummy Cat until I regain my composure. Otherwise... Trump Cat.

Hillary/Trump Debate Drinking Game

Donald vs Hillary! Debate time!

Will the former First Lady bury Donald in a blizzard of Wonk? Will Donald's world-swallowing charisma be too much to overcome?

Either way, this website encourages you to view this as a playoff game. You should be heavily into the firewater well before the opening salvo is fired.

You'll need that booze, because it's time to play the Debate Drinking Game!

I used to play Love Boat when I was in high school. Everyone gets a character, and you drink every time your character is on the screen. Everyone drinks if either A) they show the boat, or B) Issac is on the screen. This game, as awesome as it is, won't work for a two person debate.

The debate drinking game is ideally played between two ideological opposites. Both the liberal and the conservative should be able to drink as much as the other. However, you can play it with two libbers, or two rednecks.

Simply put, you each choose a side, and you have to drink when certain keywords come up, or when certain conditions are met, or when certain incidents occur. It might actually be fun for the liberal to choose Donald Trump or vice versa with the conservative and Killary.

I'm using beers and shots, with the shots reserved for special conditions. If you don't drink and favor THC, you can use bong hits and dabs, saving the dabs for the more serious transgressions. If you're a straight-edge fan of this column, try some BDSM thing with cuffs, whips and the strapper.

Either way, we're going to score it with alcohol. Here are the criteria:

* Hillary comes out in a pantsuit, one sip for the liberal

* Donald's tie is red, white or blue, one sip for the con

* Donald declines on saying "Madame Secretary," and refers to her by her first name... one sip, con

* Hillary says "The Donald.".. one sip for the lib.

* Hill'ry suffers a Katniss-style fall as she walks out... one shot for the lib

* Donald declines a pre-debate handshake.... one shot for the con

* Bill Clinton is attending, and he's sitting with a young woman who isn't Chelsea... one sip, lib

* Donald's wife is shown, and her dress shows cleavage... one sip for the con

* Donald dodges a tough question by insulting the moderator... one sip, con

* Hillary tries a joke, and it bombs like the Enola Gay... one sip, lib

* Which comes first, a "Crooked Hillary" or a "Deplorable?"... CH, one sip con, D, one sip lib

* Who gets brought up first, George Bush II or Monica Lewinsky? GB/lib, ML/con

* Donald slips and utters a racial slur.. one shot, con

* Hillary faints on stage... one shot. lib

* Who gets heckled by someone in the crowd first? Trump, one shot lib... Hillary, one shot con

* You see a black Trump supporter in the crowd... one sip, con

* You see a woman in Islamic dress with a Hillary sign. one sip, lib

* Trump throws a joke at Hillary, and she bests it with a comeback... one sip, Con

* Hillary infers that Trump is wearing a wig... one sip, lib

* Someone in the crowd is dressed as a wall... one shot, con

* Donald says "You're not even your husband's first choice"... one shot, lib

* Hillary points out that Donald has 5 kids from 3 wives... one shot, con

* Donald makes a cigar reference... one shot, lib

* Hillary dodges an email question... one shot, lib

* Donald shows that he's not 100% sure where Syria is... one shot, con

* Hillary has a coughing fit... one shot, lib

* Donald claims that managing a wrestler at Wrestlemania makes him qualified to lead our military... one shot, con

* Donald makes the moderator laugh... one sip, lib

* Donald has to be corrected by the moderator... one shot, con

* Who interrupts who first? Trump, one sip con... HC, one sip lib

* Hillary claims credit for killing Osama bin Laden... one sip, lib

* Hillary utters the words "game show"... one sip, con

* Hillary mentions Liz Warren... one sip, con

* Donald answers it with a Fake Indian line... one sip, lib

* What comes up first, Hillary's email or Trump University? Email, one sip lib,,, scam U, one sip con

* Donald infers that Hillary is killing people who get in her way... one sip, con

* Hillary says Donald's tie is made in China, Trump turns it over, and it says MADE IN USA.. one sip, lib

* Hillary bombs with a Donald Duck reference... one sip, lib

* Trump says "Killary."... one sip, con

* Hillary does a Trump impression, one sip, con

* Trump does a Bill Clinton impression... one sip, lib

* Hillary promises free college for all... one shot, lib

* Donald talks about his dick... one shot, con

* What comes up first, Trump Steaks or Vince Foster? TS, one shot con, VF, one shot, lib

* Hillary promises a minimum wage hike...one shot, lib

* Donald promises a land war in Asia... one shot, con

* Who gets called a rapist first... Bill Clinton or Julian Assange? BC, one shot lib, JA, one shot con

* First celebrity reference? HC, one sip lib.. Trump, one sip con

* Who gets booed first? HC, lib, DT, con

* Anytime the flag is shown full-screen, both opponents drink to the health of the other.

Breaking News: Secret Martha's Vineyard Meeting Between Obamas And Clintons

picture from ABC 

Cranberry County Magazine is hardly a media conglomerate. However, we do have our spies. From Fall River to Falmouth, from Weymouth to Wellfleet... we have eyes everywhere. We even have some people on Martha's Vineyard. which is where today's story comes from.

Several sources have reported that a heavily disguised Hillary Clinton arrived in Martha's Vineyard yesterday for a clandestine meeting with President Barack Obama.

The meeting between the standing President and the 2016 election front-runner happened at Detente, a tony Edgartown bistro. While the restaurant was cleared out by the Secret Service (several patrons had to be stomped and tasered), the food doesn't cook and serve itself, and you'd be amazed at what a waitress will admit to having heard if you pay for her cocaine over 29 hours.

The gist of the story is that Obama and his former SecState are preparing an October Surprise... not just to knock Donald Trump out of the race, but to inflict massive damage upon the GOP as a whole.

Here are the basics of it:

The ascension of a former Wrestlemania participant (and, unlike when Minnesota elected Governor Jesse "The Body" Ventura, the GOP has chosen a grappler with no political experience) to the head of the GOP has presented the Libbers with the opportunity to win not only 2016, but a whole generation.

Trump overwhelmed an underwhelming GOP field in the primaries, seized the nomination over the efforts of his own party, humbled the beaten-down House Speaker and now makes GOP policy off of the top of his head over Twitter.

What primarily drives Trump is his ego. That ego is the Maginot Line into which Clinton and Obama will launch their drang nach westen.

Trump rode a wave of discontent into the GOP nomination. He did a lot of insult comic work, made some outrageous promises, singled out some unpopular minorities and belittled the liberals. That works when fishing for votes in the banjo states, but it doesn't seem to be gaining momentum nationally.

People are looking at Trump vs Hillary and they are using the L word. Not love, not liberal, not lesbian, not Latino... but Landslide. Many/most polls are giving Clinton a double digit lead, and a notoriously sexist Trump is faced with the prospect of getting a nation-wide bitch-slapping from a Pantsuit Patty.

It can only get worse. Clinton, a more nuanced pol than Donald (low bar, granted) was vetted for free by the GOP for the last 4 years or so. They went at her with both fists, and their efforts (which have now sunk into conspiracy theories that have Hillary as a serial killer with 40-50 victims) currently have her as a double-digit favorite.

Hillary is also not in office now, and can create no more disasters that she may need to defend herself from. Her reputation is as low as it is going to get. She'd be very well-served by just hiding from now until November, something that her disguised arrival on the Vineyard yesterday (she was dressed as R&B diva Mary J. Blige) points to. Keep in mind that "as low as her reputation can get" today means "10 point lead in the polls."

Trump, meanwhile, seems to be about as high as he's going to get. He has the billionaire vote, he should own the gun vote, he is the main man of the anti-immigrant crowd, and he is by far the more charismatic candidate ( in the words of some comic I wish I could remember the name of, when Hillary appears on television she involuntarily and unconsciously makes your mouse hand start sliding to the SKIP THIS AD part of the screen  even if Hillary isn't being broadcast on your computer). This seems to be good for 35-45% of the national vote... if you believe in today's polling methods.

Trump seems to have political ADHD. He picks fights with the parents of dead soldiers. He somehow has polled a negative 5%  among Latinos. You can check out his (third) wife's nude pics online, there may even be some lesbian stuff. He mocks the handicapped, he belittles POWs, he seems to hate babies, and he still has 90 days or so to offend other groups of people. Most of his own party doesn't want anything to do with him.

He's not going to go much higher (unless he has an October Surprise of his own, of course), and the possibility of the bottom falling out is looming quite large. He could suffer a Nixon/McGovern 49-1 crusher, although the more likely result would be an LBJ/Goldwater-style blitz where Donald only wins Army Of Northern Virginia states.

Trump is a rich man, and the GOP is the rich man's party. If he steps up and Hillary slaps him down, he's not going to be able to show his face in any place fancier than an Arby's or a Golden Corrall. That's sort of his power base anyhow, but he didn't enter this campaign so that he can be the most popular guy at the KFC.

His best option at redemption among the billionaire crowd may indeed rest on preparing Ivanka for a 2024 catfight with the she'll-be-ready-by-then Chelsea Clinton. If his daughter becomes the second Trump to bow before a Clinton in combat, Donald may not be alive by the time that Barron is ready to take on the non-stoner Obama daughter in 2032.

Donald is that rare dog who finally caught the car he was chasing, only to be looking like a good bet to get pancaked by it.

He needs an Out, and he doesn't appear to have one at his disposal. This is something that was discussed in great detail, and it is why we have our entire staff staking out landing strips and docks on Martha's Vineyard right now. There are rumors that Trump is coming to town to try to get better terms.

The Clinton/Obama plan calls for Trump to drop out of the race. He will admit that he was a liberal sleeper agent all the time, and he will denounce a Republican Party that has crapped all over him anyhow. He will bury, by means fair and foul, anyone who may be written in as a last-second GOP candidate. He will drive a wedge between his voter base and the GOP, and his defection will be felt all the way down the ballot. He will do this on the first Monday of November.

To insure this plan, the Clinton/Obama axis is prepared to make the Donald an offer large enough to make refusal impossible. Among the terms of the deal will be:

- Immediate dismissal of any suits involving any Trump brand.

- While a Mexico wall will not be built, the entire southern borders running between California and Texas will be re-fashioned as a Komodo Dragon habitat.

- Overwhelming and decisive intervention in the Syrian and Iraqi civil wars. Donald Trump will be appointed as military governor in the newly-formed OPEC nation of "Syriraq." He will have no mandate other than to "clean this place up." All future oil revenue from Syriaq would go to pay the off the US federal debt.

- The White House will be bulldozed, and replaced with a Trump-designed modern building. No expense will be spared... diamond chandeliers, ivory doorknobs, gold walls, mink bathtubs..... you name it.

- The $500 bill will be re-introduced, and it will have Donald Trump on it. In honor of Cheeto Jesus, the bill will have an orange tint similar to that seen on the $500 bill in Monopoly.

Should Trump submit to the plan, the Democrats would seize control of political power for a generation. Hillary and Obama will set themselves up a dynasty that essentially runs from 1992 to 2048 or so, with a mere 8 year interruption of a dimwitted Bush failure.

By the time the GOP rebuilt itself, the libbers would have named all of SCOTUS justices, they'd have 100% tax reform, they'd have crushed Islam's baddest bad boys while concurrently scaring anyone else who may disagree with us, and they'd have liberal reforms in education, trade, science, energy and you name it. All of it would be dictated to us by five members of two families... and that is if Michelle doesn't throw herself into the mix.

As for Trump:

- His defection saves him from sending a 500 point Electoral College whipping through eternity with his name at the bottom. Ego problem, solved.

- It gives him some people to govern who he might just grow fond of over time... and perhaps even vice-versa. Donald does have an odd charisma. At worst, he keeps his promise to crush ISIS.

- He fixes the budget. Promise, kept.

- He gets to crumble up the Republican party that scorned him and toss it over his shoulder into the bonfire of history. Winning.

- He gets to claim Daddy status over whatever the GOP reforms itself into. More winning.

- While he doesn't stop illegal immigration, he insures that those who do make it here deserve to make it here. That's a semi-kept promise, not a bad thing to get from a politician or a businessman in this Year Of Our Lord 2016.

- He secures his tree-hugger bona fides by moving Komodo Dragons from "Threatened" status to the lesser-known "Amazingly well-fed" status. He never promised that, but it might help him with the jury of History.

- He becomes the immediate winner of Most Influential Private Citizen Ever. Ego, refreshed!

- His name replaces "Willie Horton" as the term for a political dirty trick. That's admirable, in some circles.

- While he never lives there, the White House becomes his house. He wins by Technicality.

Charles I would marvel at the decapitation strike that was discussed on Martha's Vineyard yesterday.

Hulk Smash(ed)!

I'm not a Trump supporter, and would vote for him only for economic reasons (i.e. "We get paid to write comedy on this website"). However, I'm here today to speak out against a damaged Trump sign.

I would vote for Trump if I was told to do so by The Incredible Hulk, of course... also for economic reasons ("I can't afford the hospital bills were I to be smashed into pulp by a big green gamma ray monster"). Vote early and often, my friend.

A home in Halifax had a TRUMP sign damaged last night, right in their own front yard. We're not cool with that. If you hate a candidate or the sitting President, hit back by peaceful means. Vote against him, aid the campaign of his/her rival, start a blog and mouth off all day... that's all good.

If your hatred leads you to invade and destroy someone's private property... well, you're an @ss clown.

My man in Halifax had a sign up... hanging off of what looks like a ten foot high Incredible Hulk statue. Because it's in Halifax, the Hulk had a really cool hat, too.

My friend decided to hang his TRUMP sign off of his Hulk statue, probably to attain greater visibility and probably not to reference the Trump SMASH! meme. He doesn't get in the streets and yell at people, nor does he go to rallies and sucker-punch Bern victims. He just hung a political sign off of his 10 foot Incredible Hulk statue, just like the Constitution says he can. I actually checked with the police, and found that 0.00 people were harmed by this sign.

That respect was not returned to the Hulk. Some butt-munch, most likely striking when a calmed Hulk was in his more-easily-messed-with Dr. David Banner personification, tore the sign down. Because the sign was tied to the statue by something stronger than what the statue was made off, the villain(s) tore the feet off of the statue in the process.

If you did this vandalism, here's why you suck.

The Hulk actually pre-dates Donald Trump in my friend's yard by a few years, and most likely viewed Trump as a potential VP candidate during the brief time that they shared the yard. The reason that the Hulk hangs around a Halifax front yard is because a mother took a lot of time to stitch the Hulk together. She did so because she had a child, a guy we'll call MADD MIKE.

(Editor's note: We're not sure if MADD MIKE is a drunk driving reference, and we don't plan to ask)

MADD MIKE passed away, and the Hulk was left up as a sort of tribute. A tribute to a lost son, in case we didn't hammer the point home hard enough earlier.

Now, someone who prefers Hillary or Ted Cruz might snatch a sign here and there. "Hey, what harm could it do?" or "How was I to know that the sign was something special to a grieving family?

Well, that's why you don't destroy the sign, pal. You never know...

There is a reward for information leading to the identification of the people responsible. I'm hoping that the owner of the Hulk, who I can assure you is not a man to be trifled with, understands the difference between an "A reward will be given if an arrest is made" legal bounty and an "A reward will be given once I break this kid's jaw" agreement (known among people who specialize in these matters as a "blood money contract") which the detectives will visit his house for.

Just to play it safe... if you know something, talk to the Halifax Police. You can reach them at 781-294-8713. If you worry that the police won't rough the perp up... understand that this is a small town, know that word gets around small towns, and karma is a bitch Hulk.

Super Tuesday: Vote Early And Often

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.