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| Great Herring Pond, Plymouth MA |
"There has been multiple sightings of massive turtles on Great Herring Pond. They have been seen to be in size of 4–5 feet long, with heads the size of footballs. They have been seen floating down stream from Little Herring Pond, under Carters Bridge."
Granted, "There has been multiple sightings" is some poor English, but I mangle smart-people talk in here all the time, so who am I to judge? If it's on Wikipedia, it has to be true, right?
If you need a laugh, know that I'm using the "if it's on Wikipedia..." argument to convince Jessica to spend some of her rare off duty time (she's working like 15 of the next 14 days) stomping through a Wallencamp swamp after a fictional giant turtle. I'll take her to Mezza Luna after, she'll be OK.
The important part is that Cranberry County Magazine owes it to our readers to chase monsters, especially when they are in our backyard.
Again, this is most likely what Colonel Potter used to call "bull hockey." Anyone can edit Wikipedia. Some kid may have slipped in a bit of fantasy about his neighborhood. We should be able to see what's what easily enough.
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| You see waves... I see "Monster Turtle Wake" |
The Common Snapping Turtle is the heaviest turtle in Massachusetts by a country mile. Unfortunately a record-breaking snapping turtle would be a shade less than 2 feet long (that's carapace or upper shell length, the lower shell/plastron is smaller... a snapping turtle can't hide in his shell like most other turtles when threatened, hence the Baby's Momma-like disposition), and northern specimens tend to be smaller than southern ones. 75 pounds would approach the weight record. "Two feet long max" is about a yard less Turtle than we need to support a search for a 4-5 foot turtle.
A turtle more in that range is the Alligator Snapping Turtle. They are a more southern turtle, and don't get north (naturally) much further than Tennessee. Could one survive here? Could a breeding, sustainable population exist in Massachusetts? How long until the National Marine Life Center herpetologist calls me back?
Alligator Snapping Turtles can grow to 30 inches long, and there is talk of one caught in Kansas who weighed 403 pounds. 30 inches is about where you call in the QB sneak in a goal line offense.
While a path to the sea does exist (you can herring your way downstream to the Cape Cod Canal from Great Herring Pond, and turtles can walk on land), the presence of giant sea turtles in a freshwater Plymouth pond seems unlikely. Still waiting for that NMLC call....
The kind of turtle we're looking for would have plenty of food to sustain it. This isn't Nessie that we're looking for. Great Herring Pond has, and I quote the Commonwealth of Massachusetts herself:
Fish Populations:
The pond was last completely surveyed in the summer of 1984 and nine fish species were present: yellow perch, white perch, white sucker, brown bullhead, banded killifish, smallmouth bass, chain pickerel, golden shiner and American eel. A May 2001 fish survey found abundant smallmouth bass and three additional species: largemouth bass, pumpkinseed and tesselated darter. Also, an occasional walleye is also reported. Alewife and blueback herring are abundant in the pond from late spring through fall.
That's enough for our Behemoth. The herring alone sustained the entire village of Wallencamp ("Wallencamp" is an avoid-a-lawsuit name an author hung on the Pondville section of the village of Cedarville in the town of Pymouth) for a while, and they eat more than one turtle can... even a big one.
He'd have plenty of room to hide. Great Herring Pond and the swampy area around it use up 400 acres or so, about the same area occupied by the Mission Hill neighborhood in Boston. The pond is 20 feet deep, and the turtle can stay submerged for two hours without breathing.
Great Herring Pond is just off of the southeastern edge of the Myles Standish State Forest. It is part of a vast swampy area that makes up the whole of interior Southern Plymouth. He (or even a brood of them) could very easily range from the Freetown/Lakeville area to Cape Cod up to Duxbury and over to Bridgewater. It'd just take him a while to walk through it all, because he's, like, a turtle.
The authors are not unaware that this monster turtle would be very much like a Bridgewater Triangle story, and his presence in Plymouth would further validate our theory that the Bridgewater Triangle should expand out to Cape Cod. The turtle could even be the guardian spirit for the cursed Sacrifice Rock Woods.
He'd also have plenty of time to grow. Studies suggest a possible 100 year life span for a Snapper, and they grow constantly from when they are born until the day that they die. This monster may have been born during World War I.
A four-foot snapping turtle, whether it was Common or Alligator, would be a terrible thing to have snapping at you. It could bite through your Achilles Tendon. It could easily kill any unattended baby that it got the drop on. It could kick in your back door, slap your best dog in the face, and make your wife cook it a T-Bone steak. It could tear out your heart and show it to you.
Bah Gawd, you know Cranberry County Magazine has to look for that!
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| 1619 AD Cedarville |
Locals are reluctant to speak of the giant turtle, not wanting the circus media environment that would surround the announcement of the presence of a turtle large enough to merit hiring Quint. I'm local enough that I did manage to unearth some amazing stories, as the Monster Turtle is the subject of an intense if isolated urban legend.
"I never let my kids near that cursed pond," said one Cedarville housewife. "I didn't wreck my figure and nag my husband into an early grave just to feed my kid to some lake monster."
"I saw it once. It was the size of one of those sissy electric cars," said one man who asked to not be identified. He asked for privacy because he feared retribution from the turtle. "It was pulling a deer into the pond by the throat.""You don't see a lot of transients in this area, which is unusual for a seasonal cottage neighborhood," said a source within the Plymouth Police Department. "We do get a lot of calls about roaring, splashing sounds and people screaming 'Help! I'm being devoured by a rhino-sized turtle!' now and then, but you know how those kids eat LSD these days."
"Cape Cod is a vastly overdevloped tourist region right up until Cedarville, where it suddenly becomes isolated. Isolated forest is one thing, but this is isolated lakefront property on the largest body of freshwater east of Lakeville. It makes one wonder what chased the people away," said a local realtor. She even implied that the Cape Cod Canal was actually dug by the Cape's elite as a sort of anti-turtle salt water moat.
"People assume that the Wampanoags were cleared out of what is now known as Plymouth by plague," said historian Stephen Bowden. "One idea that has never been explored is the possibility that they were instead consumed by a bloodthirsty, Anklyosaurus-looking snapping turtle."
"There's probably a good reason for that," he added, rather buzzkillishly.
Bowden did add that the Algonquin name for the pond was "Dubbadoo," which roughly translates to "the place where the Monitor Lizard-sized turtle lives."
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| Approaching Carter's Bridge, site of the Turtle Sightings |
All of these experts only get in the way of a good Monster Turtle Story. What we need to do is Field Research.
We put on the battle gear, loaded the car and weaved up Bournedale Road/Herring Pond Road, heading into the belly of the beast. We had consumed a large lunch, and partook in some fortifying liquid refreshments.
Of course we were armed!
"Remember, you have to shoot him in the head. His shell can withstand depleted uranium rounds, " I told Jessica needlessly.
"He doesn't scare me a bit. I'll make soup out of him," she replied.
I gave her a serious look. "That's what Doctor Neverwas said before the turtle ate her."
"Doctor Neverwas?"
"OK, I just made her up. Let's park here." I pulled the Volkswagen off onto the shoulder, crushing a dozen saplings.
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| Missing shoe of a turtle victim? |
My man Cranberry Jones and assistant editor Stacey Monponsett pulled up shortly after with the U-Haul. We were planning to not only find this turtle, but to capture him. I'm not sure how much money you can make with a 400 pound killer turtle, but I know that you can make money with such a beast.
"Starve it, sell tickets, feed it steroids, and have a dwarf fight it with a sledgehammer," said Jones, which is why I'm writing this column instead of him. "OK, the dwarf has to be drunk."
"Build a miniature city, teach him to walk upright through it, and make a monster movie," said Stacey, who is too young to have seen Gamera movies.
I was envisioning a scenario where we get it on The Late Late Show, and one of us (whoever has the best Turtle voice, probably Stacey) just hides behind the couch and speaks for him. It would help soften his image some if he got some jokes off, especially if Gamera got all anti-social and bit that chubby little English guy.
Fortunately, it never came to that. We struck out like A-Rod in a playoff game. The four of us have maybe zero (0) hours of turtle-hunting experience, and a turtle hunt is right where a flaw like that becomes apparent.
However, our ineptitude as turtle hunters should not obscure the fact that there is something very strange going on in Great Herring Pond.
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| Jess has a better camera.... |
