Last Dance For The Mashpee Ballet?

Supporters of the arts on Cape Cod were dealt a low blow recently, as the Mashpee Center For The Performing Arts is going on the market.

Also known as "Zachary's Pub," it has been one of the few business establishments on Cape Cod to feature Dance as an art form. It is also the only place on Cape Cod where the dancers don't wear clothes.

The Mashpee Ballet is up for sale, for a mere $4.3 million. That gets you not only the MCFTPA, but 6.17 acres with 13 buildings that sport 50 single/multi family housing units.

Zachary's should attract national buyer attention, as they have a hard-to-get "floor show permit" that allows them to let their customers appreciate the Leonardonian mechanics of an idealized human body in motion. Those don't just grow on trees, and people who own strip clubs (plural) are constantly looking for such opportunities.

However, the buyer is under no obligation to provide the girls of Cape Cod and the Greater New Bedford area with an opportunity to show off their pole-dancing prowess. The sale of the Mashpee Ballet to a non-believer of a purchaser could be the end of an era on Cape Cod.

We can't let that happen, people!

Due to some frivolous spending (Cranberry County Magazine has long sought to be the only publication in eastern Massachusetts to have a nuclear weapon, and defense industry experts estimate that we are 3-5 years away from producing a fission device), I don't have the $4.3 million handy right now in liquid assets. Happens to the best of us, right?

Given the ribald nature of the business, it may not be feasible to get $1.14 out of every man, woman and child in Massachusetts to buy the MCFTPA and keep it as a municipal resource, sort of like how the Green Bay Packers are operated.

Strip clubs aren't as bad as they used to be. "You could kill a bitch in a strip club in the 80s," as Joey Diaz once noted. You'll be a much-respected and dare I say much-loved figure on Cape Cod if you intervene here.

One thing I can do to help the cause is make a quick list of:

UNDER THE RADAR REASONS TO OWN THE MASHPEE BALLET

1) All dynasties fall. If there's ever going to be a Kennedy offspring reduced to stripping, she's probably going to come knocking on the Ballet's door.

2) Create a new Thanksgiving tradition by having an authentic Wampanoag stripper and a white (hopefully of English descent) stripper from Plymouth share the stage, sort of a less messy version of the WWE's annual Gravy Bowl Match.

3) A budding reality show producer could immediately see the benefits of buying the Mashpee Ballet and the adjoining housing units. Expand the Ballet somewhat, fill each of the housing units with strippers, and Voila!

Mashpee Ballet!

Motherf***ers be watching reality shows about tow truck drivers, pawn shops clerks, midget couples, tuna fishermen and God knows what else. Who wouldn't watch a show about a dystopian commune village, populated entirely by strippers? Nobody I know, that's who!

4) It's tough for a girl on Cape Cod to find high-paying night-shift work.

5) How many professions truly honor beauty? Supermodel jobs are few and far between, and I think that you have to have been born with an exotic first name. Strippers may have cool names, but they are more of the nom de guerre variety.

6) "Legs and Eggs" as a breakfast option vanishes from Cape Cod the day the Ballet dies. This will be replaced with the much less desirable "Wrists and Cysts" feature at the local orthopedic surgeon's place.

7) Many strip club patrons are respectable men who just want to see a different set of yabbos after 30 years of marriage, but who lack the testicular fortitude (or, perhaps in many cases, the charisma) to accomplish this feat without a place like the Mashpee Ballet.

8) In the same vein, many patrons are the Cape's bottom-feeders, and they will be left with a choice of "never see a nude woman again" or "take one by force." I'd just drive to a New Bedford gentleman's club, myself... but some people don't like commuting. This is more an exception than a rule, but many 108 pound strippers prevent more sexual assaults than the biggest, meanest cop.

9) If I won the lottery, I'd go to great lengths to establish a Hefneresque lifestyle. I wouldn't mind a white trash version of that, where instead of the Playboy Mansion, I'd have my family of lap-dancin' ladies spread out over 6 acres of ramshackle sharecropper-style housing in Mashpee. I can't be the only one on Cape Cod who thinks this way.

10) Its going to be strange when I go Marylou's or Burger King and get waited on by someone named "Synn."

from Becomestripper.com

Overturned Boat Spurs Bourne Search

An overturned boat found floating in Buttermilk Bay set off a search effort.

They had the Bourne Fire Depratment, the Bourne Police Department, and what I think was the Coast Guard looking for it.

There's a good south wind blowing, and it came up out of nowhere.on a summery day. There's a good chance that someone's boat blew off of a pier over by Cohasset Narrows. There are also a few people who leave skiffs on the beach in Hideaway Village, and the tide may have swamped one.

I watched them fly/drive/boat around the whole bay, and saw them get nothing. I'll update if we hear anything else.

Sorry about the camera work... had to use my phone, and it wasn't pretty.

Monster Turtle In Plymouth Pond?

Great Herring Pond, Plymouth MA

I was doing some research for an article that involved me needing to know some basic facts about Great Herring Pond in Plymouth/Bourne. I went to the Wikipedia page for GHP, and lo and behold!!

"There has been multiple sightings of massive turtles on Great Herring Pond. They have been seen to be in size of 4–5 feet long, with heads the size of footballs. They have been seen floating down stream from Little Herring Pond, under Carters Bridge."

Granted, "There has been multiple sightings" is some poor English, but I mangle smart-people talk in here all the time, so who am I to judge? If it's on Wikipedia, it has to be true, right?

If you need a laugh, know that I'm using the "if it's on Wikipedia..." argument to convince Jessica to spend some of her rare off duty time (she's working like 15 of the next 14 days) stomping through a Wallencamp swamp after a fictional giant turtle. I'll take her to Mezza Luna after, she'll be OK.

The important part is that Cranberry County Magazine owes it to our readers to chase monsters, especially when they are in our backyard.

Again, this is most likely what Colonel Potter used to call "bull hockey." Anyone can edit Wikipedia. Some kid may have slipped in a bit of fantasy about his neighborhood. We should be able to see what's what easily enough.

You see waves... I see "Monster Turtle Wake"

There are only a few species of turtles in Massachusetts. You can check them all out right here. The biggest of the bunch is the Common Snapping Turtle. They range across the US from the Atlantic to the Rockies, a range that includes all of Massachusetts.

The Common Snapping Turtle is the heaviest turtle in Massachusetts by a country mile. Unfortunately a record-breaking snapping turtle would be a shade less than 2 feet long (that's carapace or upper shell length, the lower shell/plastron is smaller... a snapping turtle can't hide in his shell like most other turtles when threatened, hence the Baby's Momma-like disposition), and northern specimens tend to be smaller than southern ones. 75 pounds would approach the weight record. "Two feet long max" is about a yard less Turtle than we need to support a search for a 4-5 foot turtle.

A turtle more in that range is the Alligator Snapping Turtle. They are a more southern turtle, and don't get north (naturally) much further than Tennessee. Could one survive here? Could a breeding, sustainable population exist in Massachusetts? How long until the National Marine Life Center herpetologist calls me back?

Alligator Snapping Turtles can grow to 30 inches long, and there is talk of one caught in Kansas who weighed 403 pounds. 30 inches is about where you call in the QB sneak in a goal line offense.

While a path to the sea does exist (you can herring your way downstream to the Cape Cod Canal from Great Herring Pond, and turtles can walk on land), the presence of giant sea turtles in a freshwater Plymouth pond seems unlikely. Still waiting for that NMLC call....

The kind of turtle we're looking for would have plenty of food to sustain it. This isn't Nessie that we're looking for. Great Herring Pond has, and I quote the Commonwealth of Massachusetts herself:

Fish Populations:
The pond was last completely surveyed in the summer of 1984 and nine fish species were present: yellow perch, white perch, white sucker, brown bullhead, banded killifish, smallmouth bass, chain pickerel, golden shiner and American eel. A May 2001 fish survey found abundant smallmouth bass and three additional species: largemouth bass, pumpkinseed and tesselated darter. Also, an occasional walleye is also reported. Alewife and blueback herring are abundant in the pond from late spring through fall.

That's enough for our Behemoth. The herring alone sustained the entire village of Wallencamp ("Wallencamp" is an avoid-a-lawsuit name an author hung on the Pondville section of the village of Cedarville in the town of Pymouth) for a while, and they eat more than one turtle can... even a big one.

He'd have plenty of room to hide. Great Herring Pond and the swampy area around it use up 400 acres or so, about the same area occupied by the Mission Hill neighborhood in Boston. The pond is 20 feet deep, and the turtle can stay submerged for two hours without breathing.

Great Herring Pond is just off of the southeastern edge of the Myles Standish State Forest. It is part of a vast swampy area that makes up the whole of interior Southern Plymouth. He (or even a brood of them) could very easily range from the Freetown/Lakeville area to Cape Cod up to Duxbury and over to Bridgewater. It'd just take him a while to walk through it all, because he's, like, a turtle.

The authors are not unaware that this monster turtle would be very much like a Bridgewater Triangle story, and his presence in Plymouth would further validate our theory that the Bridgewater Triangle should expand out to Cape Cod. The turtle could even be the guardian spirit for the cursed Sacrifice Rock Woods.

He'd also have plenty of time to grow. Studies suggest a possible 100 year life span for a Snapper, and they grow constantly from when they are born until the day that they die. This monster may have been born during World War I.

A four-foot snapping turtle, whether it was Common or Alligator, would be a terrible thing to have snapping at you. It could bite through your Achilles Tendon. It could easily kill any unattended baby that it got the drop on. It could kick in your back door, slap your best dog in the face, and make your wife cook it a T-Bone steak. It could tear out your heart and show it to you.

Bah Gawd, you know Cranberry County Magazine has to look for that!

1619 AD Cedarville

The part of Plymouth known as the Lakes region is a series of isolated villages where everyone knows everyone, and outsiders are suspicious just for being there. It's the sort of village where tales of a giant man-eating turtle shouldn't leak onto Wikipedia from. If you ain't from here, you don't come here, son.

Locals are reluctant to speak of the giant turtle, not wanting the circus media environment that would surround the announcement of the presence of a turtle large enough to merit hiring Quint. I'm local enough that I did manage to unearth some amazing stories, as the Monster Turtle is the subject of an intense if isolated urban legend.

"I never let my kids near that cursed pond," said one Cedarville housewife. "I didn't wreck my figure and nag my husband into an early grave just to feed my kid to some lake monster."

"I saw it once. It was the size of one of those sissy electric cars," said one man who asked to not be identified. He asked for privacy because he feared retribution from the turtle. "It was pulling a deer into the pond by the throat."

"You don't see a lot of transients in this area, which is unusual for a seasonal cottage neighborhood," said a source within the Plymouth Police Department. "We do get a lot of calls about roaring, splashing sounds and people screaming 'Help! I'm being devoured by a rhino-sized turtle!' now and then, but you know how those kids eat LSD these days."

"Cape Cod is a vastly overdevloped  tourist region right up until Cedarville, where it suddenly becomes isolated. Isolated forest is one thing, but this is isolated lakefront property on the largest body of freshwater east of Lakeville. It makes one wonder what chased the people away," said a local realtor. She even implied that the Cape Cod Canal was actually dug by the Cape's elite as a sort of anti-turtle salt water moat.

"People assume that the Wampanoags were cleared out of what is now known as Plymouth by plague," said historian Stephen Bowden. "One idea that has never been explored is the possibility that they were instead consumed by a bloodthirsty, Anklyosaurus-looking snapping turtle."

"There's probably a good reason for that," he added, rather buzzkillishly.

Bowden did add that the Algonquin name for the pond was "Dubbadoo," which roughly translates to "the place where the Monitor Lizard-sized turtle lives."

Approaching Carter's Bridge, site of the Turtle Sightings

All of these experts only get in the way of a good Monster Turtle Story. What we need to do is Field Research.

We put on the battle gear, loaded the car and weaved up Bournedale Road/Herring Pond Road, heading into the belly of the beast. We had consumed a large lunch, and partook in some fortifying liquid refreshments.

Of course we were armed!

"Remember, you have to shoot him in the head. His shell can withstand depleted uranium rounds, " I told Jessica needlessly.

"He doesn't scare me a bit. I'll make soup out of him," she replied.

I gave her a serious look. "That's what Doctor Neverwas said before the turtle ate her."

"Doctor Neverwas?"

"OK, I just made her up. Let's park here." I pulled the Volkswagen off onto the shoulder, crushing a dozen saplings.

Missing shoe of a turtle victim?

The people at the car rental place thought it was odd that I wanted a green Volkswagen Beetle, but it is the most turtle-looking car I could think of, and it is important to Go Native in these sorts of situations. I was insistent, and they eventually found me one somewhere.

My man Cranberry Jones and assistant editor Stacey Monponsett pulled up shortly after with the U-Haul. We were planning to not only find this turtle, but to capture him. I'm not sure how much money you can make with a 400 pound killer turtle, but I know that you can make money with such a beast.

"Starve it, sell tickets, feed it steroids, and have a dwarf fight it with a sledgehammer," said Jones, which is why I'm writing this column instead of him. "OK, the dwarf has to be drunk."

"Build a miniature city, teach him to walk upright through it, and make a monster movie," said Stacey, who is too young to have seen Gamera movies.

I was envisioning a scenario where we get it on The Late Late Show, and one of us (whoever has the best Turtle voice, probably Stacey) just hides behind the couch and speaks for him. It would help soften his image some if he got some jokes off, especially if Gamera got all anti-social and bit that chubby little English guy.

Fortunately, it never came to that. We struck out like A-Rod in a playoff game. The four of us have maybe zero (0) hours of turtle-hunting experience, and a turtle hunt is right where a flaw like that becomes apparent.

However, our ineptitude as turtle hunters should not obscure the fact that there is something very strange going on in Great Herring Pond.

Jess has a better camera....

Suburban Exploration: Plymouth/Bourne

Gooses (hehe), and Bay Bay Gooses, hanging around the Bournedale herring run.

I don't know how many geese make up a gander, so I use the less-definable "Gooses," which I picked up from a 4 year old.

I was going to chase this turkey up the driveway for a better shot, but "Cranberry County Magazine" isn't an impressive enough publication to avoid being shot by a vigilant homeowner.

Once we got up to the waterfront in Plymouth, our subjects were more willing to stay still. These guys just bobbed a bit.

The benefits of Roof Sailing are that you never get wet, you never get seasick and the sail is more for show than anything else.

Personal Use Lighthouse, off Route 3A

Just in case you thought we were in Duxbury Harbor, straight frontin' on you.... Duxbury was founded in 1637.

I'm so g*ddamned 'Merica, I shot the flag and Plymouth Rock like bang-bang.

Long Beach (in background) seems very small and lightly-populated for something that Snoop Dogg sings about so much. 

Lunch at Mamma Mia, ravioli! I ate so much, it hurt.

The cops got a little strange when I anchored my car to the street with this... OK, maybe I was the strange one.

...or not

The Massachusetts Maritime Academy uses Great Herring Pond for skipper training. They do a lot of slalom sailing on a pond before they let you get your hands on one of the Big Boys.

Iconic Regional Businesses: The South Shore

Be sure to check out our CAPE COD and also our SOUTH COAST versions of this article. Same intro, different businesses.

Life has bounced me from Boston to Quincy to Duxbury to Worcester (back) to Duxbury to Monponsett to Cape Motherlovin' Cod. I've seen them come and go, friend.

One thing that I noticed as I hopped around was that some business chains I got used to in one spot would either not exist in another spot, or some other product in the same field would be dominant in this new region.

I'd also see businesses that started in one spot springing up everywhere. That's always nice to see, especially with something you grew up loving... it sort of affirms your sense of good taste for you.

One other phenomena I'd see is that, while my friends and I might favor one particular local place or another, we'd have a regional default option.

To use an example with a powerful business not born of these parts... we both might want a burger. I like Schmuckburgers over on Main Street. You like Ye Olde Slaughtered Cow on the State Road. However, there's always McDonald's.

Massachusetts is a funny place. We like things a certain way. There is an impressive list of otherwise nationally prosperous franchises who flop in Massachusetts. Pizza Hut, Papa John, Little Caesar and Domino's all struggle in Massachusetts, as locals often prefer their town's House Of Pizza. Locals laugh, especially near the coast, if you ask where the Red Lobster is. You might get punched, especially in Italian neighborhoods, if you ask where The Olive Garden is. IHOP and Krispy Kreme may be the biggest names crossed off of the Dunkin' Donut's hit list.

Today, we shall examine a few businesses which have that sort of regional recognition. Some people explore the world. Some people explore regions of it. If you are a regional tourist, look at this as a sort of Bucket List. You should be familiar with all of these businesses we are about to discuss, You can get your Local card pulled, otherwise.

Someone who never went to the Cape as a kid might not know the Thompson's Clam Bar jingle, while someone from Harwich might think that Peaceful Meadows is a pet cemetery. View these places as a sort of Mendoza Line. Thompson's never expanded regionally, and Peaceful Meadows might be an ounce of Swagger away from being listed down below.

I broke this list up by Barnstable/Plymouth/Bristol County, although it could very easily be Cape Cod/South Shore/South Coast. I had to stretch up to Mansfield to fatten the South Coast category, but it's still Bristol, babe.

Here we go...

Plymouth County

Marylou's Coffee

The mocha-making mini-MILFs in the pink shirts have a strong regional presence on the South Shore coffee market, not an easy job in the state that birthed both Dunkin' Donuts and Honey Dew.

Hanover was the site of the first Marylou's, but they have scattered all over the place from Quincy to Providence. I actually fly out of T.F. Green when I have to travel, so that I can load up on Marylou's before I leave. They have two stores on Cape Cod, three if you count the Sagamore one on the mainland.

You could kick my mother in the stomach, but if you gave me a large Almond Joy with cream and sugar first, I'd try to rationalize it.

Just kidding. I'm an orphan.



Mamma Mia

You're going to get a different answer to Best Pizza South Of Boston from a food critic type like the Phantom Gourmet, and that's correct if your one of those trendy people who like getting Goat Cheese on a pizza. If you're serious about pizza, however... there's only one choice once you get out of the city.

Mamma Mia'!

Mamma Mia has expanded in recent years, and they now range from Hanover to Carver to the Pinehills. The best one of the bunch, as is often the case with great restaurant chains, is in a shack-like building in Kingston.

Founded in 1974 in Kingston by the Viscariello brothers, because Italians. Children of the owners work in the shop making pizza boxes "until they are tall enough to reach the pizza counter."

I'm not the only South Shore kid who used to ask for Mamma Mia as a birthday dinner destination, right up until they invented video games. Mamma Mia's was a godsend for Busing refugees who moved out of the city and still wanted Boston-style pizza.


Persy's Place

Being a breakfast franchise in the hard-drinking Irish Riviera means that you are a sort of Emergency Room for hangover sufferers.

The first Persy's Place was opened in Kingston, about 100 yards as the bird flies from the first Mamma Mia. They opened for business in 1982, and now have 9 restaurants ranging from Kingston to Providence to Centerville.

Much like Mamma Mia's, I think they add towns as the owner's children get experienced enough to run a place solo.

A few people tell me that the Wareham one sucks, but I also had a girlfriend who would get angry if we went for breakfast anywhere but the Kingston Persy's.

If you like baked beans served with your breakfast (you don't get much more Massachusetts than that, save for "getting into a fight at a rotary"), this is the place for you.

Ocean Spray

The first name in cranberries was born in Hanson, in 1930. It was originally three farmers looking to expand their reach by pooling their efforts. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts now and then, as Ocean Spray did $2.2 billion in sales in 2013.

They did this simply by inventing what most people would recognize as cranberry sauce, then inventing cranberry juice, then Cran-Apple, then juice boxes and finally sweetened dried cranberries. If they think of it, invest in it... it's probably going to work.

There are plenty of people in America who have never seen a Dunkin' Donuts, have no idea what the Christmas Tree Shops are and think that Papa Gino is a mobster. These people still most likely give some money to Ocean Spray, usually at Thanksgiving.

They're now based in the Middleboro/Lakeville area.

I actually wrote a shameful amount of this article, while drinking a Cran-Grape, without remembering to include Ocean Spray.


Dunkin' Donuts

DD deserves their own category. They not only rule the region, they scare away almost all competitors. Like we said, they own scalps like Krispy Kreme and IHOP. If they don't rule the Coffee Shop world, I'd like to know who does.

The first Dunkin' opened up in 1950, in Quincy. They now have 31,000 locations in 30 countries. You can get Dunkin' in Russia, China, Oman, Syria, Singapore, Peru... while the Navy SEALs who killed Osama bin Laden didn't say whether or not the Al-Qaeda el jefe was holding a Coolatta when they aerated his head, it is possible... there's a Dunkin' Donuts in Karachi, Pakistan. It's not in Abbottabad, but it does deliver.

Dunkin' just opened in California (if you go to business school, you learn that it is natural to expand into Lebanon before California), and they have lines around the block.

The section of Bourne where I live has three Dunkins within one hundred yards of each other, with a half dozen more reachable with a five minute drive..


Papa Gino's

This is a chain that started in East Boston in 1961, founded by Michael and Helen Velario. It was "Piece o' Pizza" until 1968.

Papa Gino's is one of those default chains we spoke of earlier. My girlfriend and I differ on pizza. She likes Greek pizza, which is more popular on the South Coast. I believe that Italians make pizza the best. The one pizza we agree on is Papa Gino's.

If you move to a new town, you love pizza and your local House Of Pizza sucks, you'd better find either a Papa Gino's or a realtor.

Again, Papa Gino's is a Boston chain, but it quickly became the South Shore's baby. This may because Italians tended to move north and west out of Boston when Busing hit, thus giving those towns a better House Of Pizza talent pool. I'm looking at a crowded Locations Near You map right now, and while I may have the numbers fudged a bit, there seem to be as many Papa Gino's on the South Shore as there are in Boston, the North Shore and MetroWest combined.

Pilgrims

Plymouth makes a pretty good dollar milking the Pilgrims.

You can go to Plimoth Plantation, Plymouth Rock, the Mayflower II, several historic sites and several museums to get your John Alden on if that's what you're looking to do.

I've said it before, and I'm saying it now. Plymouth's parade and Thanksgiving football game should be nationally televised events.

While Plymouth may be a hoot and a holler when compared to some of her sleepy neighbors like Plympton or Duxbury, it's hardly New Orleans or Los Angeles. Still, almost every sentient person in America knows at least a little bit about it.

You can make some money off of stuff like that.

Iconic Regional Businesses: Cape Cod

Marylou's, although popular on the Cape, is a South Shore brand. Never hurts to lead off with a Lou, however... especially a Sagamore one.

(Check out our SOUTH COAST and our SOUTH SHORE versions of this article. Same intro, different businesses)

Life has bounced me from Boston to Quincy to Duxbury to Worcester (back) to Duxbury to Monponsett to Cape Motherlovin' Cod. I've seen them come and go, friend.

One thing that I noticed as I hopped around was that some business chains I got used to in one spot would either not exist in another spot, or some other product in the same field would be dominant in this new region.

I'd also see businesses that started in one spot springing up everywhere. That's always nice to see, especially with something you grew up loving... it sort of affirms your sense of good taste for you.

One other phenomena I'd see is that, while my friends and I might favor one particular local place or another, we'd have a regional default option. To use an example with a powerful business not born of these parts... we both might want a burger. I like Schmuckburgers over on Main Street. You like Ye Olde Slaughtered Cow on the State Road. However, there's always McDonald's.

Massachusetts is a funny place. We like things a certain way. There is an impressive list of otherwise nationally prosperous franchises who flop in Massachusetts. Pizza Hut, Papa John, Little Caesar and Domino's all struggle in Massachusetts, as locals often prefer their town's House Of Pizza. Locals laugh, especially near the coast, if you ask where the Red Lobster is. You might get punched, especially in Italian neighborhoods, if you ask where The Olive Garden is. IHOP and Krispy Kreme may be the biggest names crossed off of the Dunkin' Donut's hit list.

Today, we shall examine a few businesses which have that sort of regional recognition. Some people explore the world. Some people explore regions of it. If you are a regional tourist, look at this as a sort of Bucket List. You should be familiar with all of these businesses we are about to discuss, You can get your Local card pulled, otherwise.

Someone who never went to the Cape as a kid might not know the Thompson's Clam Bar jingle, while someone from Harwich might think that Peaceful Meadows is a pet cemetery. View these places as a sort of Mendoza Line. Thompson's never expanded regionally, and Peaceful Meadows might be an ounce of Swagger away from being listed down below.

I broke this list up by Barnstable/Plymouth/Bristol County, although it could very easily be Cape Cod/South Shore/South Coast. I had to stretch up to Mansfield to fatten the South Coast category, but it's still Bristol, babe.

Here we go...

Barnstable County

Cape Cod Potato Chips

Cape Cod Potato Chips were first made in Hyannis, in 1980. The guy who founded CCPC had a $3,000 potato slicer, and had taken a one-week class in potato chip-making.

They use a kettle (as opposed to a conveyor belt like other chip-makers) to produce a crunchier potato chip. They were very unique in the industry when they appeared, and the business blew up like the Maine. Kettle chips are very prominent now, much because of CCPC.

They were bought out by Anheuser-Busch in 1985. They bought it back in 1996, before selling it again to Lance Inc. They do $30 million annually in sales. At one point, they were selling 80,000 bags of chips a day.

You might break off a tooth if you get one of the bottom-of-the-kettle chips, but there are worse reasons to go to a dentist.

Cape Cod Baseball League

Cape Cod doesn't have a monopoly on minor-league baseball. You can drive to Pawtucket and see higher-level minor league ball. Maine has the Sea Dogs, which is a cooler name than those used by any other local team. Brockton has or had the Rock Lobsters, and Plymouth has a team.

However, to paraphrase Ric Flair... if your team isn't in the Cape Cod Baseball League, you're playing catch-up ball, no matter what you tell yourself.

You're also sort of shorting yourself if you're on Cape Cod and not checking out a CCBBL game now and then. They've been in business since 1885, and are as integral to a proper Cape Cod vacation as swimming and lobster rolls.

They have ten teams running from Wareham to Harwich, and the season starts on June 10th.


Four Seas Ice Cream

Four Seas (not 4 Cs, that's Cape Cod Community College) Ice Cream has been in business since 1934. Cape Cod has always had a sweet tooth, even during the Great Depression.

Four Seas ranks highly on a national recognition scale, as many tourists have made sometimes daily trips to Four Seas a part of their vacation routine.

They were a seasonal business for some time, but they began selling ice cream to various shops and restaurants, and demand soon brought about year-round work.

Cape Cod Creamery also merits a mention in this field... but when they were naming ice cream after Cape Cod towns, they gave us Bourne Butter Pecan. I can't forgive that kind of slight.

Try to not eat Chappaquidick Chocolate Chip when driving, especially with people from Hyannis Port.

Christmas Tree Shops

If you want to see a man's facial expression collapse, get one trapped in a car and bring up the prospect of a "quick" stop at the Christmas Tree Shops. Dude may throw himself out onto the pavement at 65 mph.

However, mention it to your girlfriends when you all just cashed paychecks, and you have a pretty good night out planned... as long as said plan involves a stop somewhere for vineyard-based fortification.

Girls still are the primary arbiter of where the spending money gets spent, which is why the Christmas Tree Shops expanded all over the region, and why there is 24/7/365 sports programming on the telly back home where the husband hopefully got to stay.

The CTS was founded in Yarmouth in the 1950s, and- like Four Seas- was a seasonal business for a while. That all changed, and, well... Don't You just Lovvvve A Bargain?

You can bring your dog into the CTS, as long as it's one of those wussy purse dogs. Don't show up with your Rotty, and an eager Border Collie could do thousands of dollars worth of damage in there.


Barnstable Municipal Airport

They got a TV show out of Cape Air, which trumps almost everyone (see Captain Phillips, below) on this list.

Founded in 1928, it spent World War II being used as a base for anti-submarine planes. It is now Cape Cod's major airport.

You can land a 727 there, something I was not aware of.

Cape Air has a 91 plane fleet, including 83 Cessnas.

If you want to enjoy island life on Martha's Vineyard or Cape Cod without the getting-on-a-boat stuff, you're going to have to visit the Barnstable Municipal Airport.

Business picks up in the summer, as is often the case with Cape Cod businesses. Be sure to file a flight plan and stuff.


Massachusetts Maritime Academy

The Massachusetts Maritime Academy is only one small college, but it has a ripple effect throughout the globe. They touch a lot of businesses, as Harvard does. However, MMA guys get their hands a lot dirtier than (most) Harvard guys do.

Founded in 1891, MMA cranks out Merchant Marines. They then spread out to an untold number of businesses, shipping their products across the seas.

In that sense, the single-entity MMA is actually like a McDonald's or something similar. It's just that, instead of franchising out hamburger stands, they franchise out their developed talent to anyone

Speaking of McDonald's... unless all of those Chinese-factory-made Happy Meal toys float over to America on tsunami waves, there's a good chance that you can't even run a McDonald's without a few MMA grads.

Grads include Captain Phillips of Captain Phillips fame amd Emery Rice, who is credited with firing the first American shot of World War I. Rice also picked up a Navy Cross for ramming and sinking a U-Boat.

We'll buy him a pie from Monument Beach House Of Pizza for that!

Iconic Regional Businesses: South Coast

Be sure to check our SOUTH SHORE and CAPE COD versions of this article. Same into, different businesses.

Life has bounced me from Boston to Quincy to Duxbury to Worcester (back) to Duxbury to Monponsett to Cape Motherlovin' Cod. I've seen them come and go, friend.

One thing that I noticed as I hopped around was that some business chains I got used to in one spot would either not exist in another spot, or some other product in the same field would be dominant in this new region.

I'd also see businesses that started in one spot springing up everywhere. That's always nice to see, especially with something you grew up loving... it sort of affirms your sense of good taste for you.

One other phenomena I'd see is that, while my friends and I might favor one particular local place or another, we'd have a regional default option. To use an example with a powerful business not born of these parts... we both might want a burger. I like Schmuckburgers over on Main Street. You like Ye Olde Slaughtered Cow on the State Road. However, there's always McDonald's.

Massachusetts is a funny place. We like things a certain way. There is an impressive list of otherwise nationally prosperous franchises who flop in Massachusetts. Pizza Hut, Papa John, Little Caesar and Domino's all struggle in Massachusetts, as locals often prefer their town's House Of Pizza. Locals laugh, especially near the coast, if you ask where the Red Lobster is. You might get punched, especially in Italian neighborhoods, if you ask where The Olive Garden is. IHOP and Krispy Kreme may be the biggest names crossed off of the Dunkin' Donut's hit list.

Today, we shall examine a few businesses which have that sort of regional recognition. Some people explore the world. Some people explore regions of it. If you are a regional tourist, look at this as a part of Bucket List. You should be familiar with all of these businesses we are about to discuss, You can get your Local card pulled, otherwise.

Someone who never went to the Cape as a kid might not know the Thompson's Clam Bar jingle, while someone from Harwich might think that Peaceful Meadows is a pet cemetery. View these places as a sort of Mendoza Line. Thompson's never expanded regionally, and Peaceful Meadows might be an ounce of Swagger away from being listed down below.

I broke this list up by Barnstable/Plymouth/Bristol County, although it could very easily be Cape Cod/South Shore/South Coast. I had to stretch up to Mansfield to fatten the South Coast category, but it's still Bristol, babe.

Here we go...


Bristol County

Honey Dew Donuts

Honey Dew and Marylou's make a tough dollar fighting for coffee sales (Honey Dew doubles down by going after the donut market, too) on the home turf of Double D. Honey Dew has fought hard enough to scatter 165 locations around Massachusetts.

They started in Mansfield, are now based in Plainville, and they own interior Bristol County. They have done a very good job of establishing themselves in Boston. Dunkin' kicks the spit out of them, but the people who like Honey Dew better are a loyal and dedicated bunch.

You can survive quite nicely like that, especially if you make a decidedly different donut than Double D does.

No one said it was easy, but Honey Dew is faring well enough for themselves. I want to see them cross paths with Marylou's somewhere, just to see who wins.


Gaspar's

Gaspar's is the largest manufacturer of Portuguese smoked sausage in the USA. Most of this is via their sales of Linguica and Chourico.

They have been whipping out the sausage for 4 generations from their Meat Mecca on Faunce Corner Road in North Dartmouth. They started in 1923.

Linguica is smoked sausage, made from smoke-cured pork, garlic and paprika. It is the go-to meal for any Portuguese person, but white people can shovel it down, too.

In Brazil, it is served with rice and beans. In Massachusetts, it is generally sliced open and grilled.

IMHO, it's the best pizza topping.


Minerva

You could very easily scratch out "Minerva" from the heading, fill in "Rose & Vickie's" or "Venus Cafe" and pretty much tell the exact same story. Someone of Southern European heritage starts a pizza joint, has some luck, wins over the locals and expands somewhere in the region.

Minerva started out in 1969, in Wareham. They carved out a nice niche serving Wareham, Onset and Marion. They expanded west, into Fall River, and east, into the Cedarville section of Plymouth.

Rose & Vickie's has Manomet, Cedarville and Marion. The Venus chain, which numbers all of their franchises other than the original Venus Cafe in Whitman, also has the Venus II in Brant Rock and Venus III in Hanson.

I have friends who eat 7 meals a week easy out of the Cedarville Minerva. They eat enough that their dog, Joe Biden, has grown accustomed to it. He eats enough of it that we re-named him "Joey Takeout."

"Joey Takeout" sort of morphed into a joke among my friends and I, and we work Joey Takeout references into our phone conversations... always with ominous overtones that are funny if you know that Joey Takeout is a ragamuffin Shih-Tzu dog and not the dangerous Sicilian mobster who we make him out to be.

Granted, this is a lot funnier if you have reason to believe that the police are tapping your phone. Somewhere in Plymouth, there is a police file on a non-existent gangster with transcripts like "Joey Takeout gets a bite out of everything coming into the White Cliffs."

Titleist

Golfers know all about Titleist golf balls, which enjoy a fine reputation among golfers and have been spoken for by many of the great ones.

Titleist got started just like every other business did, even yours... a MIT grad missed a putt, blamed the ball, had his dentist friend X-Ray the ball, and then transitioned a rubber-making company into golf ball production factory. They did $1 billion in sales in 2003.

Titleist, originally the Acushnet Process Company or something like that, is now based in Fairhaven. Staying true to their Original Recipe, every single ball made by Titleist is X-Rayed to ensure that the center is balanced.

The cursive "Titleist" logo scrawl on the golf balls belongs to Helen Robinson. She was a secretary for the Acushnet Company who was known for her exquisite penmanship. They gave her a pen and a scrap of paper, she hit it in one take, and her writing has appeared on every single product that the company has produced ever since. Her writing has appeared on more balls than Jasmine St. Claire.

I think that this is Helen Robinson. She looks like she was about to get taken off to see the Wizard.

Trucchi's

William Trucchi opened a supermarket off Tremont Street in Taunton with $500 that he borrowed from his parents. The Great Depression went down shortly after, but Italian grocers don't get Depressed! Especially in Taunton!

They have six stores scattered from Taunton to West Bridgewater to Abington to Middleboro to New Beffuh.

This is no mean feat in this age where a Super Wally opens down the road and every business nearby dies.

Angelo's, A&P, Shaw's, Star, Purity Supreme... supermarkets come and go, change names, and all sorts of stuff. Trucchi's keeps trucking along.


Fishing

The port of New Bedford is America's leading fishing port, with landings valued at $369 million. They have 30 wholesale processing plants, and employ 4400 people.

New Bedford lands 117 million pounds of product, including 50 million pounds of scallops. During the height of the season, 500,000 pounds of scallops move through New Beddy in a day.

Gloucester has the Gorton's Fisherman and the George Clooney movie, but New Bedford has the money. The port, and the economic activity associated with it, haul in $1 billion a year.

New Bedford has whatever you need to get fishing done. New Beige has chandlers, ice houses, welders, net designers, boatyards, gear builders, engineers, maritime attorneys, insurance brokers, settlement houses and every other conceivable shoreside marine support business.

They also have pretty girls hanging around the docks while we were shooting.