Driving down the Cranberry Highway today, while viewing the normal clutter of signs and billboards, one name caught my eye.
TAYLOR SWIFT
Cartland, an East Wareham amusement park (I'm stretching the term here, it's mini-golf and batting cages) has a sign up today that says "WELCOME TAYLOR SWIFT."
Everyone loves Swiftie, the impossibly cute songbird of kid-pop fame. She is one of the most famous people on the planet. Forbes has her net worth listed in the zillions. What the heck would she be doing in friggin' East Wareham?
I called Cartland. I expected some lame answer, something along the lines of "We're playing Taylor Swift music all day Saturday." What I got was my favorite answer, the one that lets me exercise my skills a bit.
"No comment."
Hmmmm... that leaves a lot to the imagination, no? Here's what I can come up with.
- Taylor is filming a video, and- for artistic reasons- she needs a shabby mini-golf course in a small town.
- Taylor is filming a video at, naturally, Swifts Beach in Wareham. Perhaps she intends to buy the whole of Swifts Beach, it's what I'd do if I were her.
- Taylor took a vow of poverty, and is now shacked up at the Silver Lake Motel with some Cape Verdean dude named Manny.
- Taylor has a place in Rhodey, and made a Rhode Trip into ?ham.
- Taylor, who bought a house in Hyannis Port while she was dating Konnor Kennedy (I may have spelled that wrong), is now in town to sign papers to rid herself of that house.
- Taylor is dating that Kennedy whelp again, and is basing herself in an area where all the roads lead. The Hell's Angels used Bourne for that very reason for several years, and the "all roads lead here" explanation is essentially why Gettysburg was fought where it was fought.
- Taylor, who has a show in Montreal tonight, wanted to play mini-golf in Wareham for reasons that only Taylor Swift knows.
- This paper can neither confirm nor deny the rampant rumors that Taylor Swift was seen having dinner with Duxbury philanthropist Stephen "Hoss" Bowden. Bowden owns property in nearby Buzzards Bay.
- John Henry, who has enough money to date her, has a place in Onset. No, not the steel-drivin' man John Henry, the Red Sox owner John Henry. While we're cherry-picking rich-and-or-cool celebrities, Bob Kraft has a place in Mashpee, Joe Perry lives in Duxbury, Bobby Orr lives in Sandwich, Meghan Trainor lives on Nantucket, Bill Belichick summers on Nantucket, Jay Miller lives in Cataumet, and Ben Affleck is in nearby Boston (and is freshly single). Marky Mark? Matt Damon? Rocky Marciano III? Quint? Crikey, it could be anyone!
- Wareham has been very friendly with the movie industry lately, with Adam Sandler and Steve Carell having filmed movies in a nearby water park.
- Taylor is a Dawson's Creek fan, and is trying to find locations to represent the show's fictional Massachusetts seashore town of "Capeside" for a Dawson's Creek movie. I actually don't know if she acts or not, I'm sort of culturally illiterate.
- Taylor is dating the next A-ROD, who is currently an unknown playing for the Bourne Braves or the Wareham Gatemen. Pop stars have a nose for that kind of thing.
- It's not THAT particular Taylor Swift who is coming to Cartland, as the park instead found someone with that name and is letting them mini-golf for free as a publicity stunt. Cartland is, after all, the home of the Beach Bucket Sundae.
- Swift has a show in Foxboro on July 25th, and is in town doing prep work. She wanted to mini-golf, and her staff was ordered to find mini-golf. Not being locals, they chose a Wareham course instead of something closer to Foxboro.
- South Coast... it's now, it's happening!
Either way.... if you want to see Taylor Swift in person and maybe carry her off in a sack like Borat... you could do a lot worse than to hang around Cartland and see if a limosuine pulls up. Don't say that we didn't warn you.
