Handling Important Business

To Hostess Cakes,

I am writing to express my desire that you bring back the Suzy Q snack cakes. I realize that you guys had those business issues a few years ago and that things may have become confusing. However, this is no excuse for not bringing back Suzy Qs. I mean, WTF? You have Sno Balls, Chocolate Twinkies, Zingers... but no Suzy Qs?

You're very lucky that I m heavily drugged most of the time, because I am constantly tempted to come down to your offices and cause difficulties. I am presently refusing to allow myself to see where your corporate offices are located, because I may be like "Oh, they're only in Pennsylvania, I can be there in 8 hours." Nothing good would come from that.

I'll be frank with you. Healthy eating means little to me, as I feel it is the realm of the weak. Ever since I was a kid, I liked to come home to some Quik, some Pub Fries, and some Suzy Qs. None of those items are available to me any more (Quik changed their formula a decade or so ago, and hasn't been good since, and ConAgra refused my less strident demands that they bring back Pub Fries), and I'll admit that some unwarranted frustration is building. I am not alone.

I've been filling the void with Devil Dogs and Cup Cakes, but this is a lot to ask of two individual snack cake brands.

Since you've had some business trouble lately, let me offer some free advice as to what you need to do to get the ship righted over there:

1) Bring back Suzy Qs.

2) Determine which executive was responsible for killing off Suzy, and literally kick him down the hallway and out of the door. I would not be above lobotomizing this individual.

3) Take out an advertisement during the next Super Bowl to apologize to America for this error. Show the beating/involuntary surgery from Item #2 if you wish.

4) If you refuse to bring back Suzy Qs, the only way to keep me safely on Cape Cod is to immediately send me one (1) carton of Devil Dogs weekly for the rest of my life. I'm 47 and do not have a healthy lifestyle, but I have terrific resiliency and stamina. I'd say that you could lay off the throttle by 2050 or so.

I thank you for the time, and urge you to do the right thing,

Cranberry Jones