I don't know about you, but it is the opinion of this column that the worst way to die naturally would be a shark attack. I use "naturally" differently than you might, but you get the idea. You are seized out of nowhere, dragged beneath the sea and torn to pieces by a torpedo with teeth.
It probably wouldn't happen, but your decapitated head may retain consciousness just long enough as it floats away from the rest of you that you could watch yourself being eaten. It would be the fish paying you back for all of those fish sticks you ate as a kid.
From what I can see of how this magazine makes money (don't ask me how, Jessica does most of the thinking here), I can't afford to have anyone reading this website die. Even with money off the table, I don't want to see anyone get eaten.
So, it's on me to help keep you off the menu. Before I do so, I want to stress just how rare a shark attack is. We've had about 10 or so in Massachusetts since the white man came, three of which were fatal. If you throw in the rest of New England, you get those numbers up to 5 or 6 deaths out of 20 attacks. I think North Carolina has had that many this week, and even their numbers add up to "shark attacks are very rare."
The USA as a whole has had 1976 shark attacks in about the last 115 years or so. That number includes Carolina, Hawaii, Florida and California, who get the majority of our attacks. New England is a minor player in this field, and the field in question is called Anomaly Park.
While I don't have the numbers handy, I'd say that about there were 40-52 times when someone won the Megabucks last year. We had one shark attack in that same year. So, it is 50 times more likely that you'll drop a dollar at the 7-11 and someone will hand you back $1.5 million than it is that a shark will attack you. Adam Lanza killed more New Englanders in 10 minutes than every Yankee shark ever, as did Al Qaeda.
However, any gambler will tell you that there is no sure thing. If the chance- however small- of a shark attack exists, it just makes sense to try to lower your odds. You don't have to be at 0% if some sucker near you is only at 20%, especially if he's a fatty (we'll get to that in a minute) or has an open wound.
It's a lot like the smarter guy said to the dumber guy when they were about to flee from an attacking bear. "I don't have to run faster than the bear, I just have to run faster than You."
We'll mix in tips from experts and officials with some of my own observations and inclinations. I don't have any expert training, other than my research on historical shark attacks for a previous article.
Never Swim With Seals, And Do Nothing At All Seal-Like
One thing that our last two shark attacks had in common was that the victims were messing around near seals. Sharks eat seals, as eating seals is the whole reason they're hanging around Cape Cod Bay.
There wasn't that much time between when Americans first began recreating by the sea and when we had our first fatal modern shark attack. One of the reasons we haven't had one since 1936 is that we had a bounty on seals. Fishermen hate seals, who compete for the same fish. Up until 1962, you could kill seals and get cheddar for it.... not too shabby, as long as you aren't a seal.
There was 40,000 bounties paid in Maine and Massachusetts between 1888 and 1962, when Massachusetts stopped paying bounties. Maine stopped in 1945. Experts say that 70-130K seals were killed once you factor in data fraud, boat strikes, and so forth. That's a lot of shark food exiting the ecosystem.
The region suffered a huge decline in seal activity,and they only really started turning up in large numbers on Cape Cod around the turn of this century. It, in turn, took the sharks about a decade to figure it out.
Humans are pretty easy pickings for a shark if he wanted to have some People Food for a change. We can barely move at all in the water. Even a crippled, drunken, lazy shark could swim circles around Michael Phelps. Other than the slow-motion punch of an underwater boxer, we have no natural defenses against the shark. We're a free lunch, at least from June through September in these parts.
The fact that we have so few attacks means that sharks aren't interested in us as a food source. Neither of our recent human-attacking sharks was killed in the attack... they just went away on their own. They had no interest in continuing the meal.
So, you can really lower your chances of attack by not swimming or boating near the shark's primary food source. Seals are fun, cute, and can even be friendly. They also do tricks, like the one where they disappear faster than you can if a shark comes into the area. Don't be the guy left standing when sharks and seals play Duck Duck Goose.
If seals are around, we can not stress strongly enough that you should make like a TV show and be St. Elsewhere.
Never Swim Near Fishing Boats (Or Fishing Men)
Sharks also have a tendency to follow fishing boats. I suppose they are after table scraps or something, who knows?
Two of the regions's fatal shark attacks involved people swimming to or from a fishing boat. Two others involved sharks swamping smaller boats and devouring the occupant.
Sharks are attracted to several things associated with fishing. Fish, naturally, leads off the list. Injured fish writhing in pain on a fishing hook are also on the list, as an injured fish means an easy meal to a shark. Fishing can be bloody, and blood in the water is like doing a rain dance for a shark. Smarter sharks may know that a fishing boat will throw away smaller fish, who then become almost like delivery food at that point.
Don't Go Over Your Head
Almost all of New England's shark attacks involved the shark hitting someone in deeper (10 feet or more) water. Massachusetts doesn't have a shallow-water shark attack fatality on her books, and most of the non-fatal attacks involved fishing boats or surfcasting.
Sharks like to come up under their prey for the Hit. None of our shark attack victims had any idea there was a shark around until it attacked them. Only one attack I read of had the shark coming at the victim in a manner where witnesses reported seeing a dorsal fin before the strike.
As we just saw with the recent Chatham stranding/rescue of a Great White, they do go close to shore. However, the very rare shark attack becomes very, very rare if you stay in the shallows.
Shark Repellent
If you can get Bat Shark Repellent like Batman has, do so. He's smart, and his repellent probably works.
Scientists began work on shark repellents after WWII, when shipwrecks like that of the USS Indianapolis saw hundreds of people eaten by sharks. They've been working at it ever since, and generally can't come up with anything that is 100% efficient. They've tried electricity, chemicals and even magnetism.
It may or may not amuse you to know that Coppertone was one of the big investors in shark repellent research. Your sun tan lotion may have been doing double duty if someone hit the right chemical signature in the repellent lab. SP-40 may have had a more Sharkish meaning to it had they stuck it out.
They did find one thing that repels almost all sharks all the time... dead sharks. Fishermen and scientists both agree that sharks don't like to be around dead sharks. Glandular secretions from dead sharks are the current focus of shark repellent research.
Of course, that was in a 1994 article I found. I assume that someone from Coppertone pointed out that A) you can't swim around with a dead shark, and B) "Honey, would you rub the lotion with the decaying shark liver oil into my shoulders?" sort of takes the fun out of sun-tan-lotion application.
Swim With People Who Are Fatter Than You
Sharks around New England aren't sick, lost, old or demented. They are exactly where they are supposed to be and where they have always been. However, one attacking a human is generally making a mistake.
The mistake is thinking that the human is a seal/tuna/sea lion/sea turtle or whatever else it eats. It's unavoidable, and the shark- to his credit- usually breaks off the attack once he realizes his mistake.
For a fish with such a ravenous reputation, sharks don't eat that much. They expend a lot of energy attacking, and risk significant injury. They want the most bang for their buck when it comes to Epic Meal Time.
That means smoking a Fatty.
Fat people swim slower, and look more like seals than thinner people. They have more flesh, which makes them less crunchy (sharks don't do crunchy if they can avoid it) to the shark, as well as more filling.
I actually asked Dr. Gregory Skomal about this. He did admit that it made perfect sense, but that no research had been done on the subject.
This is a steroid-powered version of the Don't Ever Swim Alone rule. Sharks will pick off soloists if they can. However, given a choice, they will always Super-size their meals. Remember this, use it to your advantage, and waste little pity on the run-stopper.
Avoid Guido-like Bejewelment
I'm not sure if there is a noun for what I'm trying to say there, hence the odd sub-title. I had no way to tie Only Built 4 Cuban Linx to anything sharky.
Things like necklaces and bracelets shine sort of funny in the water, and will look like fish scales to a shark in the wrong conditions. Fish are right at the top of the shark's menu, and he may come closer to see if you are worth biting. You want to avoid being in this calculation if at all possible.
Experts say only the filthy,polluted waters of Boston Harbor prevent more shark attacks from happening at Revere Beach, which has a lot of guidos running around. Boston Harbor had an attack in colonial days,and a Boston kid was the meal in 1936.
Be Local
Just as "Swim with fat people" is probably my advice and not the official advice offered by experts, this one also springs exclusively from my research.
Here's a list of who was bitten in Massachusetts shark attacks... guy from England here courting a woman, a guy from Swampscott, a Boston kid, a Nahant local, a bunch of tourists chartering a boat, a NYC guy, a pair of Truro rental guys and two Plymouth girls... and it didn't bite the Plymouth girls, just their kayak.
You see the pattern.
It's not just a Cape Cod thing, where there are masses of tourists. The last fatal attacks were in Mattapoisett, Scituate, and Boston. Sharks seem to go out of their way to avoid locals, even passing on the two Plymouth girls (who were cute, I might add... I don't have records of the charisma of the other victims, but it may or may not be important) after knocking them both into the water.
Maybe we have Spider Sense from living near the water, and we can subconsciously read the signs of imminent danger. Maybe "exotic" people taste better. Maybe tourists lack tans that locals have, and stand out more in the water. Who knows?
What I do know is that sharks seem to favor out-of-towners.
The Other White Meat
I so wanted to find a racial trend I could exploit for laughs here, but I was amazed to find that sharks- at least our sharks here in New England- attack pretty much along the demographic averages regarding skin color. We've had about 20 attacks in our post-colonial history, and maybe 2 were on black people.
The number might be one, I'm not 100% sure of a Connecticut attack. Even with just one Black Attack, you have to crunch the numbers with the knowledge that white people beach out more than blacks do, at least around here. "Like I need a tan," my black roomie used to tell me.
I think the sharks have bitten at least one Jew. He may have been feasted upon by a shark who wished for a kosher meal. He was taken on the Sabbath, I believe.
Anyhow, your race or your God won't save you if Ol' Toothy thinks you look tasty. To my knowledge, he doesn't give a damn about such things. We all look alike to apex predators.
Swim During The Day
Sharks attack with power and speed,but they hunt via stealth. They also don't really sleep, to my knowledge.
While they hunt all day, they are more active and more successful at night. The shadows work in their favor, and they work against the prey.
What weak and pitiful defenses you have in the water vanish at night. Even if it swims around you with his fin out of the water, you won't see him coming. They started Jaws the way they did for a reason.
In Conclusion,,,,
Follow these rules, and you'll have mad bread to break up.
If not, 17 feet on the wake up....
