The staff of Cranberry County Magazine likes to give back to the community that we serve. We do so every year, by putting in work for the Salvation Army. We'll have an article about that coming up this week, but we have some important stuff that we need to handle first.
We were moved to several different sites (we used to just work the Sagamore Christmas Tree Shop, but that got submarined... an article on that is also coming up later), before they settled on having us at the Hyannis Super Stop & Shop. Once we were there, we started to get acquainted with the regulars.
One regular stood out.
Perhaps it was his stoutness of the tummy, maybe it was the white beard, maybe it was the red felt hat/vest combo... but something looked familiar about the man. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I figured I'd go right to the source.
"Excuse me, Sir... do I know you from somewhere?"
He just laughed... a jolly-sounding "HO! HO! HO!"
Now, I've never been that quick on the uptake. I can give you a lengthy list of people who will tell you that I'm as stupid as a fork jammed into a toaster. But there must have been some magic in that old Bridgewater State College hat I was wearing, because something clicked.
After our friend got into the store, the investigative reporter in me decided to do some legwork. I noticed where he had parked, and decided that I should go have a look at things.
Sho' 'nuff...
It would be Naughty of me to post pictures of the inside of his (Japanese) car, but I can assure you that it was all Reindeer Food, Candy Canes, Tinsel, Elf Meal, Egg Nog, Hot Cocoa... and, I'm sorry to say, Coal.
There was no doubt.
When he came out, I went to say something... but he put his finger to his lips, and I somehow knew that he knew that I knew. I never said a word, I just kept ringing my Christmas bell.
He drove away like a normal human being, but I knew better.
There are a few things to note about this development:
- Santa isn't that fat. My sources tell me that the plump elf you are used to seeing actually rolls around 200 pounds until he finishes his Cape Cod vacation (see below). About 5 days before Christmas, he straps on the feedbag to get himself to the weight people expect to see him at. You know how Santa is nice with the toy-making skills? Mrs. Claus is nice like that in the kitchen. If Santa ate all year like he does the week before Christmas, he could be a yokozuna-level sumo wrestler.
- Santa likes to give out the total assignment, and then let the Elves handle things in the workshop. They are about a thousand years old or so, so it's pretty much a self-cleaning oven by this point. He then gets a little Him time, and he uses it for a tropical vacation to psyche himself up for the 24th.
- Santa, who lives at the North Pole, has a different definition of "tropical" than you and I. Let me explain. Hyannis has an average mid-December high temperature of 42 degrees. Miami has an average December high temperature of 73 degrees. The North Pole has an average September/October/November temperature range of 0-20 degrees.
Therefore, the temperature variance enjoyed by a Cape Cod-to-Miami snowbird would be about going from a 42 degree day to a 72 degree day, a difference of about 30 degrees or so. Santa, who lords over the Pole in the autumn months, gains about the same amount of extra warmth by going to Cape Cod. Everything's relative. If Santa went to Miami, it'd be the equivalent of you or I hanging around near a blast furnace.
- Santa, like any other old person, knows that Cape Cod is often best enjoyed in the off-season. The next time that Santa waits to get a table on Cape Cod will be the first time.
- My sources tell me that Santa shops heavily at the Christmas Tree Shops, even after they dissed the Salvation Army. Santa sub-contracts a lot of his work out, just in case you think that the elves are making Playstations up there or something.
- Santa, a thousand year North Pole resident, can happily swim in New England waters during December. Our local Great White Shark population, who like presents just as much as any other sentient creatures, don't even think about biting him.
- We can neither confirm nor deny rumors that Santa has rented the Kennedy Compound for the rest of this week. The same goes for that Mashpee Ballet sighting.
- Cape Cod is actually a buffer zone in the never-ending Heat Miser and Cold Miser dispute. Neither of the elemental demons claim Cape Cod. The resultant peace and quiet is why Santa likes it here.
- Reindeer tend to prefer Lapland's climate, but I did get this picture from Woodchuck Industries Incorporated in Duxbury last night.
