The Last Days Of The Salvation Army's Kettle Campaign

We're just sending out a quick reminder that the Salvation Army is out in your town, collecting money to help less fortunate souls during the holiday season.

You can help out by pitching in to their kettles, which are located all over the area. You'll have trouble getting into a supermarket without crossing one of our people. The kettles will be out until early afternoon, Christmas Eve.

The Salvation Army was founded in London's East End in 1865 by former Methodist minister William Booth. It is a church, of the Christian Protestant variety. They ministered unto the poor of London's worst slums, slowly growing in numbers and abilities.

Booth soon had a lot of volunteers helping him, to the extent that he joked of it in a memo as a "volunteer army." Somebody with a good sense of marketing crossed out "volunteer" and drew in "Salvation." Voila! What would grow into one of the world's most powerful charities had a name.

Deciding that there were too many slogans on the sign, one Kettle Master made it more subtle by adding Trump-like levels of gold tinsel and some nice Made In China battery-powered colored lighting.

If you get into it deep enough, you are assigned a military rank. You have to be ordained, which means that I don't have a rank and am technically a Salvationist. I consider myself to be like a Blackwater operative (or, if you prefer something less sinister, a USO volunteer) in this Army.

The Salvation Army started off ministering to undesirables like addicts, drunks and prostitutes. They soon grew beyond that, and are now a common helping hand to any sort of person or family in need.

They crossed the pond to the US soon enough, and their reputation was helped along by their tireless efforts here during the Galveston Hurricane, the San Francisco Earthquake and both World Wars.

The Army has 25,000 volunteers working in the US, many of whom are ringing bells and standing by their kettles. They have operating costs of about $2 billion a year, and serve 32 million people in the USA alone. They are the second largest charity in the US, and hold rankings ranging from A to A- in various charity watchdog groups. They famously had a CEO with a salary of $13,500 for quite some time, while people at other prominent charities were taking home millions per year.

My kettle, which rocks hard like heavy metal...

I work for the Hyannis Corps, which serves all of Cape Cod. The highest ranks that I know there are a Lieutenant and a Major. I offered to accept a rank of Admiral and annex Cape Cod Bay for them, but that whole Ordination thing came up and it was decided in a High Council meeting that I was best left on the kettle in my Blackwater role... Santa's bag man, God's collection agent.

I love the work, even on the coldest nights. I spend most of the year up to no good, so it's nice to be doing God's work (albeit often with Satan's methods) for 6 weeks a year. It never hurts to inch your way up the Nice list in the month before Santa heads out with the goods. I'm not wealthy enough to donate Wealth to charity, so I instead donate my Health.

Most importantly, it means that I'm sort of on Santa's team. I serve in the lowest position that he offers, and only know Saint Nick on a nodding basis. I can get word to him if need be, a fact that I sometimes share with children who donate to my kettle.

I worked in Sagamore at the Christmas Tree Shop for 4 years before the CTS stopped allowing the Army access to their various storefronts. Since then, I have locked down the Stop & Shop on Route 132 in Hyannis. The Army likes to get one person in the same spot over the years, so S&S is my turf.

I'm a very aggressive greeter, and try to wish every single person well. If you've gone there this Christmas season, I have probably said Hello to you. As you can see in my pictures, no expense was spared in decorating my kettle. Many people have told me that they were about to go see the lights of Paris, but the vague Eiffel Tower shape of my garishly-lit kettle stand made that expensive voyage wholly unnecessary. (Editor's Note: No one said that).

I work in any weather. I did that freezing day last week, for instance. I'm not like someone else who works out in the cold, like a roofer, busting his/her ass and working up a sweat. I literally just stand there, unless some funk is on the radio and I'm doing the Twist or the Smurf or the Robot or the Watusi or the Time Warp or the Crank Dat or the Crip Walk... all of which look the same when I do them.

I have also developed an almost preternatural ability to flip my bell in the air, have it rotate at a high speed 10-20 times, and catch it by the handle. This ability is useless in any other position than Kettle Lord, but I swear that I'm like a f***ing samurai with that bell. It helps to keep me from freezing.

The key to withstanding cold like that is to dress in layers. I start off in clothes that fit me snugly, then continue to buy up several sizes that fit over the previous layers. I end up looking like a very cold and bulky defensive tackle.

Here's what I was wearing last Thursday. I had to spread it out on the floor to get the proper perspective.

I wasn't nude when that picture was taken, either, so the total (for those of you keeping score at home) is two hoodies (bonus: the UMASS one has Belichick-style cutoff sleeves), two t-shirts, a turtleneck, a Bruins sweater, a ski vest, a ski jacket, a knockoff Cah-hahhhhht jacket, duck boots, thermal socks, two pairs of sweatpants and two pairs of wind pants. I was also rocking the only Infinity Scarf owned and worn by a heterosexual man, although a teenage girl passing by my kettle had to show me how to put it on properly, before there was a David Carradine-style asphyxiation incident.

I had gloves, too. I gave them to some homeless dude when I was leaving the kettle for the night. I'd have given him my jacket, too, but it is very difficult finding 4XL in stores.

The Hyannis Corps has me at the Stop & Shop. If you fear that I may be too handsome, you can also donate at the AC Moore, Shaw's, Star and the Cape Cod Mall Food Court.... all in Hyannis.

Let's end with something cute.... here's Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott celebrating a touchdown by leaping into a Salvation Army kettle. They say that donations are up 60% since he did that.