Friday, January 22, 2016

Heavy Snow Possible, Coastal Flooding Also In The Mix


Southeastern Massachusetts is right on the edge of what will be a history-worthy blizzard just a bit down the coast. Snowfall is possible, while coastal flooding is more of a certainty.

The Blizzard of 2016 is coming. It's going to hit the mid-Atlantic harder than it is going to hit us. This is a bit unusual, as there will soon be cities in North Carolina that have had a greater one-storm snowfall total than cities in Massachusetts can boast of. Areas in the mid-Atlantic could pick up 3 feet of snow.

They already have a Blizzard Warning there (it's snowing in Charlotte, NC right now), and we have a Winter Storm Warning in SE Massachusetts.

We're not getting that much snow up here in southeast Massachusetts. We are currently forecast to get 3-6" on the South Coast, Cape Cod, and southern Plymouth County. That "three to six inches" thing is a bit touchy, as a slight wobble in the storm path could screw mightily with those projected snowfall totals.


I have no problem at all morally saying something to my readers along the lines of "We could get anywhere between rain, flurries, five inches of snow or two feet of it." Have a wide array of responses at your disposal for Saturday and Sunday.

It should be interesting to see Carolina dealing with  bona-fide blizzard. Washington DC was ground to a halt Wednesday by an inch of snow. They have no means of dealing with the snow they're getting. There should be a lot of wrecked pickup trucks once the F-360s start, a C&W sort of Ice Capades.

New England, should we end up getting socked as well, may have some power outage issues. The mid-Atlantic is going to be commanding the lion's share of the restoring-power resources. This delays their response in Massachusetts. It has happened before, my friends, and it will happen again.

However, our share of the storm could be nothing at all. This is one of those situations with high variety between Best Case and Worst Case scenarios. Accuweather has changed my forecast from 3-6" to 6'-10" and back in just the last 24 hours.

We could even hear that B Word used in our forecasts. Blizzards only need 3 hours of certain conditions to qualify, and we are currently forecast to have all of those conditions at some point between Saturday and Sunday.


Our big concern with this storm will be coastal flooding. This storm will have a small blizzard area, but it will have a much larger area of high winds. Those winds will almost certainly hit Massachusetts, and we could have a long stretch of 35-50 MPH winds.

Those winds will stir up the ocean mightily. We will have problem tides Saturday night and especially Sunday morning. Sunday's tides might be mollified somewhat by the wind shifting to the N/NW direction.

The flooding will be influenced by the full-moon high tides, which are astronomically inopportune this weekend.

Here's a nice link to check tides.

The wind shift makes even coastal flooding a tough call, but it is a bit easier of a sell than predicting the snowfall totals.

The fun should start Saturday AM, and should grind to a halt at some point Sunday.

It goes without saying that you should know which taverns have a generator if the power should go out during the Patriots game.

Here are some more maps:







The map is from Monday, but still interesting

Good Luck!

Friday, January 15, 2016

Know Thy Enemy: The Kansas City Chiefs


Kansas City is pretty much textbook Middle America. You can sail into town on the Missouri River. The thing they are best known for is barbecue food. Walt Disney, Ginger Rogers, Tiny Archibald, Amelia Earhart and Walter Cronkite lived there. Hostess and Hallmark are both headquartered there. They even have a cool theme song.

Its tough to hate them. I'm going to try, however.

You see, Kansas City is the home of the Chiefs. The gods set things up so that these Chiefs are the first team who your Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots have to stomp on to continue being your Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots. No other rubric by which one can judge Kansas City matters. Therefore, an entire American city must be fed into the Hate Machine.

Where to begin?

- Why isn't Kansas City in Kansas? They managed to get New York City in New York, right? It should be automatic... Kansas City, Kansas.

Kansas City is the difference between a C+ and B- on a middle school Geography test. God ony knows how many kids who might have made a difference in the world were instead kept out of AP classes because their mind did the logical leap from Kansas City to Kansas state?

With all the blood that has spilled in Missouri over the years, shouldn't someone have raised a musket to put Kansas City in the right state? Or at least force a change to Missouri City? Am I wrong on this?

- The football team is like the Von Erich curse of the NFL. It's a death ship.

Joe Delaney, a promising young running back, drowned trying to save kids who got in over their heads. He was brave enough that he tried to save them without knowing how to swim.

Derrick Thomas, one of the best linebackers ever, decided to drive 100 mph through a snowstorm without a seat belt on, and he was dead a month after the accident.

Jovan Belcher shot his girlfriend, drove over to the Chiefs practice, and then shot himself in front of Scott Pioli.

Promising youngster Mack Lee Hill died during knee surgery back in the 1960s.

Stone Johnson didn't even get to the regular season before dying of a spinal cord injury.

Hey, our players kill someone now and then, maybe deflate some balls, sometimes peek at the other team's signals... but KC has a body count.

- The Chiefs have been very impolite to Champagne Tom in the past. Bernard Pollard hit Tom Brady in the knee during the very first game of the season after Tom had sh*t on the NFL for 50 TDs. It happened during what ended up being one of the last good seasons Randy Moss had left, too.

Now, they have several guys who could also do a number on Tommy Cool. Justin Houston, who doesn't play for Houston, has about 40 sacks in the last two years. Tamba Hali is known for crushing QBs. Dontari Poe, who isn't related to Edgar Allen but who does weigh about 350 pounds, is also someone who I would not like to see get a hold of the Brady Bunchden.

New England's offensive line has been oft-ineffective this season, and Saturday's game would be a bad time for them to play down to their lowest level.

- For the reputation they enjoy as a barbecue Mecca, Kansas City's most well-known restaurant chain is friggin' Applebee's. I may be skipping something prominent, but I think that their biggest barbecue-related export is KC's Masterpiece, a C- economy sauce.

Of course, that is somewhat cancelled out by KC having 90 barbecue joints in her metropolitan area, a fact that makes me think that I should stop Chief-hatin' and start clean-platin'... but f*cking Applebee's, man? Someone should get a smack for that.

- Their best player is injured... but before he got injured, I had him on my fantasy team. You' the ace of spades, Jamaal Charles, the g*ddamned ace of spades!

- They got the wrong historical Thomas Hart Benton guy.

Senator Thomas Hart Benton was one of a kind. He shot Andrew Jackson, but later counted him as a friend. He also gave us one of the better quotes about ass-kicking, delivered with his proclivity for saying "Sir" every 5 words or so.

"I do not quarrel, Sir, but I fight, Sir, and when I fight, Sir, a funeral follows, Sir."

THAT version of Thomas Hart Benton settled in St. Louis. Kansas City instead got Thomas Hart Benton, painter. I doubt that he threatened anyone with a funeral.

- The Chiefs were founded because the NFL didn't want to water down their product just as they were beginning to compete on even terms with Major League Baseball. This led to the AFL, where the New England (then Boston) Patriots also came from.

The Chiefs were originally the AFL's Dallas Texans, but when the NFL brought the Cowboys to Dallas, the Texans had trouble keeping up with them. Kansas City was able to steal them away. They very nearly ended up in Atlanta or Miami.

- The "Chiefs" name has nothing to do with Native Americans. The team was named for the Mayor (Harold Roe Bartle) who helped get the team there. Bartle was a great organizer, and everyone called him "the Chief."

- No, I don't know why they have an Arrowhead mascot as opposed to a pudgy, nerdy but well-organized white politician mascot.

- The team name was taken from fan suggestions. It is unfair to say "contest," because the two names to get the most votes were "Mules" and "Royals." They later hung the Royals name on their baseball team.

-Owner Lamar Hunt, son of H.L.Hunt, sketched the design for the team's logo (an arrowhead with "KC" in the middle) onto a napkin.

- The coolest name in Missouri belongs to the "St. Louis Blues." The worst is hung on the "St. Louis Rams," who may be are leaving town anyhow. Blues is a straight A, Rams is a generous F, while both the Royals and the Chiefs are in the C range.

- The Chiefs have a terrible playoff history, which is ironic because they were the first powerhouse AFL team. Joe Namath's Jets just beat them to the title of First AFL team to win a Super Bowl. Their curb-stomping of the Minnesota Vikings in Super Bowl IV was bad enough that the NFL accepted a merger, just ahead of talk that the NFL was no match for the AFL any more.

Their win over the Houston Texans last week was their first playoff win since 1993, when they beat now-retired Warren Moon's now-defunct Houston Oilers. They went most of the 1970s wthout making the playoffs, had a brief resurgence in the 1980s under the dirty rotten rhymer Marty Schottenheimer, got the tail end of Joe Montana and Marcus Allen's careers, had the best Nigerian player ever, and never won Ditka.

- The Chiefs started this season 1-5, and then won 10 straight games to sneak into the playoffs. They destroyed Houston, and now they are the next clown out of the car for New England.

- Know that the Chiefs labor under the Curse Of Hank Stram.

Stram, their first coach, won a Super Bowl, but then the team stagnated. He was fired shortly after the Chiefs lost to Tampa Bay, who had dropped 26 straight games. He resented his firing, and subsequently cursed the team by saying they'd never make it to the Super Bowl until he wore Chiefs red again. Stram died without ever donning Red.

They haven't come close since.

Hopefully, this Saturday, we'll keep it that way.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Arthur & Pat's Going To Hull?

from the Arthur and Pat's Facebook page
People who were mourning the loss of a local institution will now be complaining about the long, strange road they have to go down to get to it.

My sources tell me that the owners of Arthur and Pat's (the D'Allesandro siblings) have bought the former Sea Dog restaurant in Hull. They will kick off the cooking this summer.

Arthur and Pat's was an iconic Marshfield restaurant known for their yummy breakfast menu and their unique customer service. Even with Italian owners, they were a crown jewel of the Irish Riviera. To my knowledge, breakfast there was one of the better South Shore hangover cures.

They announced the end of the road with Marsh Vegas last April.

Everyone from the area has their own favorite A&P story. I liked that the waitresses would tell you what you were having that day if they knew you well enough. I hated their banana bread, but I wolfed down several pieces over the years, rather than risk an argument with someone who cooked 2-5 of my meals every week.

Also, if they knew that you were an orphan, they'd insist that you eat everything on the plate before you were allowed to leave.

Local news legend Jerry Williams ate there every day he was able to, and Aerosmith's Steven Tyler once called it the best food in the world. It won Best Breakfast (and usually retired the trophy) in every local publication, and in several Boston ones.

There is a job fair happening at the former Sea Dog on January 14, from 12-2 and then from 5-7.  They seem to be looking for summer positions. I think that you can also apply to work at the Marina during this job fair.

The Sea Dog is on A Street in Hull.

Here's what I don't know:

- I'm not sure if it will be called "Arthur & Pat's."

- I also don't know if they will keep the Sea Dog name. The Maine-based business never really caught on with the flatlanders.

- I'm not sure if they will be open year-round.

- I'm not sure if this building will be in a flood zone.

- I don't know if they will keep the same basic A&P menu.

- Arthur & Pat's has a mighty reputation, but it sort of exhausts itself by the time you get to Hull. Most of the people on the Hull Facebook page I was monitoring had never heard of it.

So, Arthur & Pat's is not dead! They're just migrating. Strappin' on the feed bag in H-U-Double-Hockeysticks just got a lot better!


Sunday, January 10, 2016

They Call It Stormy Sunday...

I was kind of hoping to have the Kansas City Chiefs coming to town for a playoff game in an old-fashioned New England gale, but no dice. Maybe we'll get worse weather net week!

Remember, if all of this rain were falling in colder weather, we'd be looking at Top 20 All Time snowfall.
The fun should start early today, before you wake up if you're one of our more hard-living readers.

It will be very windy today, especially on the South Shore, South Coast and Cape Cod. You could lose your trees or your power. To bring it back to football, I had the power blow during an ocean storm for the Tennessee/St. Louis version of the Super Bowl one year, and I had to drive around Duxbury in my Jeep to "get" the end of the game.

We're not expecting major coastal fooding, even with a New Moon in play today. The SE wind could pile up some water in isolated areas, but I wouldn't wager any money on it.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Opening Day Blues: The Peril Of Driving In The First Snow Of The Season


We have had a couple of minor winter weather events recently, officially kicking off the Snow season. With this snowfall came a slew of fender-bending fun. Monday's evening commute was a doozy on the South Shore, as ocean-effect snow came down hard.

This snow was the catalyst behind dozens of car crashes. If you surfed Facebook on Monday afternoon, you saw the horror stories coming in.

"Kingston to Green Harbor, 60 minutes."

"Tried getting off the highway onto Route 53.... bad idea. Parking lot."

"Four concurrent accidents between Exit 11 and Exit 10 in Duxbury."

"Route 44: 10 Miles, 45 Minutes."

We wrote yesterday about how Southerners have difficulties driving in snow. A warm city like Atlanta can be shoved into zombie-apocalypse chaos by 2 inches of snow. For one day every year, so can Massachusetts.

While it snowed for a good, long time yesterday, in the end, we only got 2-4". That's nothing. Last year, we were getting 2-4 inches an hour for about 6 weeks. While I don't have the numbers for Massachusetts handy, I'd bet that it took 20 inches of February snow to get the highway anarchy that we had Monday night with our 2 inches.


I did poke around those Internets to see if I could find anything official-looking to validate my suspicions. An article from a 2004 Pennsylvania newspaper cites a study of 1.4 million fatal accidents showed that a substantially larger percentage of fatal accidents went down on the first day of snowfall in a season.

First snowfalls are especially deadly for elderly drivers, who seem to be mixing "difficulties adjusting to winter conditions" with "this was the event where Grammy really began to show her age" and adding a touch of "Grandpa needs to upgrade from his 1976 Coupe De Ville."

A more recent article concerning an Iowa State Patrol study showed that in 2014, there were 700 accidents in November. Most of these were attributed to snowfall. In December, which in theory is deeper in the winter and subsequently snowier, the number of accidents drops to 359.

Wisconsin, which is snowier than Massachusetts, agrees with my theory enough that at least one newspaper there titled an article "People Need To Re-Learn How To Drive."

Its the same set of mistakes in any snowy community. People drive too fast, they ride the other car's bumper, and they respond poorly to snow-related hazards. In non-wintry communities, you can add "lack of snow-removal equipment" to the mix.

People who get year-after-year snow have a tendency to adjust as the winter sets in, which the Iowa study shows. They ease up on the gas pedal, they avoid dangerous or busy roads, they remember to leave earlier, they get snow tires, and they perform a zillion other calibrations to their driving style.

We are actually at a high point in snow-driving proficiency among people in Southeastern Massachusetts. Last winter was one of our worst ever. Many towns shattered their winter snowfall record totals. You may live a long time before you see a winter like that one.

This means that almost every driver on the local roads, with the exception of snowbirds and kids who just got their license this year, has some experience driving in the worst winter conditions that Massachusetts can dish out. Teenagers right now have the same Worst Winter Ever perspective as a 70 year old man. That should make for a lengthy period of slightly better local driving.

Except during the first snowfall, of course. We all fall to pieces then.


Monday, January 4, 2016

Why Can't Southerners Drive In Snow?



Is It Really That Difficult?
(Editor's Note: This is from a 2014 article at a site we used to write for...)
Bourne had a bit of snow falling this morning, and it snowed through 10 AM or so. It was good for about 2-3", at least where I am in Sagamore. The schools in Bourne almost but didn't delay or cancel. The roads will be a bit slick, especially if they don't plow them. They may even not plow them, as towns sometimes choose to save Snow Removal funding for more serious events. This is no big deal. 3" or so, maybe 6" on the Islands. We golf in snow like that.
This same storm- granted, with a touch more intensity- just went through the South. Normally warm places like Georgia, Alabama, and South Carolina are getting snow, ice, or both. These are regions of the country that generally don't get snow. Being able to build a snowman in Savannah, Georgia is almost as rare as being attacked by an alligator while swimming in Cape Cod Bay.
You can say that the Confederacy had a philosophical mindset about the snowfall only if you remember that Anarchy is a philosophy. Cars are frozen in place on the highways. Children are stranded in schools, or even- in Hotlanta- in a school bus by the roadside. The Governor is urging citizens to remain in their homes. The term "zombie movie" is used in a descriptive manner by CNN. The storm is being called "the Atlanta Snow Jam" by one newspaper, who have "unspeakably horrible commute" in their headlines. Atlanta had about 1000 motor vehicle accidents, and triple digit casualties.
Atlanta had 2.7" of snow.
There is a State Of Emergency in just about any state that once produced cotton in large quantities. It is a justified condition. In both southern/national headlines and my Facebook, I hear tales of 18 hour commutes, highway parking lots, shelters being opened, people missing or unaccounted for, airport delays, scared kids in buses, and general all-around chaos. The last time this region was so worried about getting someone out of a bus, it was Rosa Parks.
People with even a moderate interest in Weather History, or people who were living in Massachusetts in the 1970s, immediately think "Blizzard of '78" when they read the stories coming out of Alabama (the link leads to an article with "Aaaaughh!" in the headline). You hear the same tales of frozen highways, car-camping, old people freezing to death, pregnant women stranded in their homes, and what have you.
Now, the difference between the two regions in this case is that Atlanta has about 2 inches of snow, and Massachusetts got 2 feet of snow in the Blizzard of '78. Two feet and change, actually.
Before I discuss what I think causes these differences, I want it stated early in the article that the Dirty South are no punks. Most of the Civil War was the South slapping the North around, and the North only really won through attrition. If General Armistead charged a little harder at Gettysburg, you could pretty much look at the numbers and be like "a kid from Louisiana can beat two kids from New York, even if you give the Yankees all of the railroads and food." This snow chaos we have in South Carolina and the relative calm in Massachusetts is not a case where, as General Pickett once said, "I think the Yankees may have had something to do with it."
So, why does snow that a housewife on Monument Beach might not even notice cause such chaos in Mississippi?
We're going to focus on vehicles for starters, in a manner which can be concurrently positive, negative, and a perceived positive that actually works out to be a negative once you think on it a bit. When chaos is ensuing and you need to place blame, it is not a bad idea to think of something you may have been mistakenly confident about.
That's a snow plow. You don't need me to tell you that, because- when it snows- you see them all over Bourne. Someone from Louisiana might look at that same plow sort of like how you or I would look at an armadillo. You'd know what it is, but seeing one in action would be a first.
Plows, and their good friends Salt and Sand, are essential when trying to clear snow from a road. Sand and Salt either provide traction or they melt snow/reduce the temperature at which water freezes. The plows do the bull work of removing the piles of snow that build up.
If you like numbers as much as I do.... chew on these.
- Helsinki, which is in Finland, removes about 200,000 truckloads of snow from their streets in a harsh winter.
- Montreal, which gets 5-6 feet of snow per winter, spends $158 million on snow removal for a year.
- Boston, which has 850 miles of roadway, has over 500 "pieces" of snow removal equipment, and I don't think that they count shovels.
- Miami has never had accumulating snow, and has only had flurries a few times.
- Florida and Louisiana have an average annual snowfall of 0.0". Alabama and the Carolinas, which have mountains, get roughly 1.3" of snow per year.
- Massachusetts gets 43" of snow a year, a bit more inland, a bit less near the Cape.
- New York gets 123" of snow a year, less as you near NYC.
- After the "Great Snow of 1717," much of New England was buried under 25 foot drifts.
- The record snowfall in the US from one storm is 189 inches... in California, of all places. Mount Shasta, to be precise.
- Atlanta has roughly 2.7" of snow so far. Boston, which is nowhere near holding the national record, got 27.1" of snow in 24 hours during the Blizzard of '78. The effects on the people in each city were similar.
- South Carolina, which has some mountainous territory, gets .3 days of snowfall a year. That's about 8 hours, generally spread out over a dozen or two mountain weather events.
-  If you add up the average amount of hours it is snowing in Michigan in a year, snowfall fills 44 days.
- Finally.... Bourne, which has 20,000 people in the summer, has enough town plows and subcontractors out on the road that the girl at the Highway Department wouldn't even venture a guess when I called to ask how many plows Bourne had. From what I hear on the news, Atlanta, which has 5 million people in her metropolitan area, has 10 plows. They recently (yesterday) bought 12 plow blades, which they are going to attach to municipal vehicles.
Bourne has all of those plows because they NEED all of those plows. We'd look just as silly on the snowy roads as Alabamians (?) do if we didn't have plows out clearing the streets. Why doesn't Alabama have plows? The last heavy snow in Alabama was 1993's most-likely-aptly-named Storm Of The Century. They'd be fools if they bought and maintained 500 snow plows. The environment doesn't merit it. It's why people in Kansas don't have surfboards.
A bias exists, and it gets worse as you head North. People in Massachusetts laugh at people from Georgia when snow falls. People from New Hampshire laugh at how poorly Massachusetts flat-landers drive in snow. People in Canada laugh at people in New Hampshire. Eskimos laugh at Canadians, and Santa Claus thinks everyone South of him (at last count: all of us) are wussies.
But are there other factors for the Great Atlanta Snow-In?
I spent some time searching for Southern driving apologists on the Internet. You hear a lot of talk about snow tires and chains. While Massachusetts is snowy a little bit, I don't know anyone who uses chains on their tires. I'm sure that there are people in Alberta who don't know anyone who doesn't use chains.
There was also some discussion regarding the relative predominance of dirt roads in the South, with other people pointing out that some people from places like Mobile had never driven on anything but pavement (with the only variation ever being wet pavement). People who have lived in both climates (many northerners move south, and they dilute the "southerners can't drive in snow" argument as they multiply... our own Snowbirds are guilty of this, especially in the winter) say that dirt roads are actually better for snow, but become worse when the snow melts.
You also hear a lot of pickup truck talk. If you don't have a pickup truck in the South, you're kind of like a sissy. They're everywhere in the Confederacy, sort of like grits. Most of the problems lie in relation to the pickup having almost all of her weight in the front. This leads to those spinning crashes you see on The Weather Channel so often during Southern snowfall. Weather watchers call those the "F-360."
You hear NASCAR mentioned a lot, and it is important to the discussion. It comes down to interests vs environment.... nature vs nurture, if you will.
Southerners adore NASCAR. They follow it extensively, and being a fan of NASCAR means that even a dummy is going to pick up a lot of how-a-car-works knowledge. That should lead to how-a-car-performs knowledge, which should lead to a better, more educated driver. Throw in the better intersection behavior you see in Southern Hospitality culture and the Hurricane Belt earned-wisdom sense of "let's just work together and get through this storm," and you'd think the car-loving Southerners would do all right in storms.
All that is true, but it is somewhat offset by the fact that NASCAR is essentially Tailgating and Hostile Passing at 190 mph. "Driving well" in Daytona is "being 6 inches from someone's rear bumper on a turn." A little exchange of paint is almost like a Hello, especially among the veteran NASCAR drivers.
Of course, Southerners don't generally try to drive like their NASCAR heroes when commuting home from their office jobs in Savannah. However, what a Duxbury housewife thinks is tailgating might be different than what someone who roots for Dale Junior thinks tailgating is. When a Yankee with a brain in her head backs off someone on the highway in a snowstorm, the distance might be 100 yards. A serious NASCAR fan might view a proper distance as 20 yards.
The NASCAR expertise of the Southerner is offset by the snowy experience of the Civil War victors, even when the aggressive/possibly insane Boston driving style is figured into the equation. Pocasset people know to pump their brakes, and how to turn into a skid. We develop a sense of how to drive in different rates of snowfall. We look at a balding tire in October and think that we'd better change it soon with more foreboding than someone from Ole Miss does. Crikey, we're even a much better bet to have the little bear paw ice-scraper thing than an Auburn fan would be.
To be fair and honest, I think that, if people who are deep into NASCAR lived in more wintry climates, they would evolve to be better snow drivers than Cape Codders. But they don't, and they aren't.
In fact, looking at relative impact and using my old Civil War logic.... 2.7 inches of snow in a day hits Atlanta like 27.1 inches of snow hits Boston. Therefore, we drive about 10 times better in snow than one of those Roll Tide SOBs. This is a personal guess of mine, and I'm using a rubric that State Farm probably doesn't recognize. If the Civil War were fought by my rubric, the key to beating Bobbie Lee would have been to lure him into Maine.
In closing, I want to say that I have a lot of sympathy for our Red State cousins. They are getting a snow event that they can tell their grandchildren about. It is hitting a region where no one has a puffy coat, and where fireplaces- if they exist at all- are ornamental. The ice will take down power lines, so people used to Mississippi in the middle of a heat wave will instead have Jack Frost nipping at their noses. As I publish this at noon, there are kids in Georgia who still haven't gotten home from school yesterday.
And there, but for the grace of God, Jimmie Johnson, and the snow plow, goes You.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Handling Important Business

To Hostess Cakes,

I am writing to express my desire that you bring back the Suzy Q snack cakes. I realize that you guys had those business issues a few years ago and that things may have become confusing. However, this is no excuse for not bringing back Suzy Qs. I mean, WTF? You have Sno Balls, Chocolate Twinkies, Zingers... but no Suzy Qs?

You're very lucky that I m heavily drugged most of the time, because I am constantly tempted to come down to your offices and cause difficulties. I am presently refusing to allow myself to see where your corporate offices are located, because I may be like "Oh, they're only in Pennsylvania, I can be there in 8 hours." Nothing good would come from that.

I'll be frank with you. Healthy eating means little to me, as I feel it is the realm of the weak. Ever since I was a kid, I liked to come home to some Quik, some Pub Fries, and some Suzy Qs. None of those items are available to me any more (Quik changed their formula a decade or so ago, and hasn't been good since, and ConAgra refused my less strident demands that they bring back Pub Fries), and I'll admit that some unwarranted frustration is building. I am not alone.

I've been filling the void with Devil Dogs and Cup Cakes, but this is a lot to ask of two individual snack cake brands.

Since you've had some business trouble lately, let me offer some free advice as to what you need to do to get the ship righted over there:

1) Bring back Suzy Qs.

2) Determine which executive was responsible for killing off Suzy, and literally kick him down the hallway and out of the door. I would not be above lobotomizing this individual.

3) Take out an advertisement during the next Super Bowl to apologize to America for this error. Show the beating/involuntary surgery from Item #2 if you wish.

4) If you refuse to bring back Suzy Qs, the only way to keep me safely on Cape Cod is to immediately send me one (1) carton of Devil Dogs weekly for the rest of my life. I'm 47 and do not have a healthy lifestyle, but I have terrific resiliency and stamina. I'd say that you could lay off the throttle by 2050 or so.

I thank you for the time, and urge you to do the right thing,

Cranberry Jones